Hi there, I was just perusing this fic and I saw a few errors that are easy to fix, but would definitely improve the overall quality of your writing. I hope you don't mind if I point them out here.
1)Try to use only ellipses or a dash when indicating a stutter or a pause. In a couple of parts you used both ("D-…did you") when only one was needed. Not only is it incorrect to use both, but it also makes your dialogue look cluttered.
2)Some small typos or grammatical errors: -"to the arm Doojoon so powerfully pounded" - it should be "HAD so powerfully pounded", because it's an action that occurred before Ki Kwang began talking. (And as a side note I'm not a big fan of the word choice here either, but that's just my opinion.) -"there’s no such thing" - it might work better if you changed this to plural, as in "there are no such things," because you have multiple nouns following this phrase. Same thing with "there’s cow, sheep," as they would also work better in the plural form. -I've noticed that at the beginning, "domechild" was one word, but towards the end you began to separate it into two words. It's a small point, but it's better to keep it consistent.
3)Watch your commas! To give you an example: "...this universe but this dimension’s God, chose not to..." Here, you should put a comma after "universe," because "but" is usually preceded by a comma. On the other hand, you should take out the one between "God" and "chose," because you don't need a pause between a subject and its verb. There is also a bit of comma abuse in "kept human, from their head, to their toes..." and "said child, is dead."
4)I noticed that you had quite a few sentences that stand alone as paragraphs. This isn't necessarily a bad thing when it comes to dialogue, but for exposition or action, it makes your story seem quite choppy. You have a good balance of long and short paragraphs, but towards the end there were a few sentences that could have been combined.
5) Your writing has a good flow, but while I personally enjoyed having an external narrator for exposition, it was a lot of information to take in at once. Next time, it might work better to have characters explain bits of it at a time or put it into their background story. By using a more dynamic storytelling style, you would be "showing" your AU a lot more than simply "telling" it.
6) One final point to nitpick: a "gene" is actually defined by its ability to be passed on from one generation to the next, so a it doesn't just spontaneously appear in the population. What you're actually talking about is probably a mutant allele/somatic mutation. I doubt most people who read this would care, but research is an important part of the writing process, so always double check your facts! :)
Overall, I liked your writing style and you have a proficient grasp of grammar and spelling. Just watch for small errors in your writing, such as plural verb agreement and comma usage, and you'll definitely improve. I hope you're not offended by my suggestions and that you keep doing what you enjoy. Good luck writing! Cheers! :)
1)Try to use only ellipses or a dash when indicating a stutter or a pause. In a couple of parts you used both ("D-…did you") when only one was needed. Not only is it incorrect to use both, but it also makes your dialogue look cluttered.
2)Some small typos or grammatical errors:
-"to the arm Doojoon so powerfully pounded" - it should be "HAD so powerfully pounded", because it's an action that occurred before Ki Kwang began talking. (And as a side note I'm not a big fan of the word choice here either, but that's just my opinion.)
-"there’s no such thing" - it might work better if you changed this to plural, as in "there are no such things," because you have multiple nouns following this phrase. Same thing with "there’s cow, sheep," as they would also work better in the plural form.
-I've noticed that at the beginning, "domechild" was one word, but towards the end you began to separate it into two words. It's a small point, but it's better to keep it consistent.
3)Watch your commas! To give you an example: "...this universe but this dimension’s God, chose not to..." Here, you should put a comma after "universe," because "but" is usually preceded by a comma. On the other hand, you should take out the one between "God" and "chose," because you don't need a pause between a subject and its verb. There is also a bit of comma abuse in "kept human, from their head, to their toes..." and "said child, is dead."
4)I noticed that you had quite a few sentences that stand alone as paragraphs. This isn't necessarily a bad thing when it comes to dialogue, but for exposition or action, it makes your story seem quite choppy. You have a good balance of long and short paragraphs, but towards the end there were a few sentences that could have been combined.
5) Your writing has a good flow, but while I personally enjoyed having an external narrator for exposition, it was a lot of information to take in at once. Next time, it might work better to have characters explain bits of it at a time or put it into their background story. By using a more dynamic storytelling style, you would be "showing" your AU a lot more than simply "telling" it.
6) One final point to nitpick: a "gene" is actually defined by its ability to be passed on from one generation to the next, so a it doesn't just spontaneously appear in the population. What you're actually talking about is probably a mutant allele/somatic mutation. I doubt most people who read this would care, but research is an important part of the writing process, so always double check your facts! :)
Overall, I liked your writing style and you have a proficient grasp of grammar and spelling. Just watch for small errors in your writing, such as plural verb agreement and comma usage, and you'll definitely improve. I hope you're not offended by my suggestions and that you keep doing what you enjoy. Good luck writing! Cheers! :)
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