When lunchtime did roll around, it unfolded just as Yosuke had hoped. Souji led them up to the roof quickly and nobody attempted to follow them, electing instead to stare. Yosuke was tired of staring. What the hell were they looking at? What was so fascinating? Did he suddenly glow purple because he put his ass on the internet? Were they trying to achieve enlightenment by trying to become one with his headphones? Maybe it was just the site of another human being who had done something so abysmally stupid that he had a lot of nerve even showing his face? He wasn't sure.
They met the others and Yosuke found he had been dreading this part most of all, being back in the group with the people he had alienated and screamed at and embarrassed himself in front of, people that used to be his friends and were still his friends, but whom he had allowed himself to corrupt into something else, and he didn't know how to apologize for it. Worse, they had probably seen everything, every picture, that fucking video, and now that would be what they saw every time they looked at him, the skinny pathetic kid they could all easily imagine without clothes because they knew for fucking sure what was under them, and whenever they looked at him they'd see it. He scratched at his arm, wished he could peel off his skin and start over again, not put his body on the internet for every asshole with a monitor to stare at and exploit. How could he ever explain what he had done to his friends?
"Glad you're back, senpai," was the first thing Yosuke heard, from Kanji, and when he took his eyes off the concrete it was clear that Kanji was speaking not just to Souji but to both of them. Yosuke couldn't stand it anymore.
"I'm sorr-" he started to say, but Chie cut him off, grabbed his hand and kicked him in the shin. Well, at least she was acting normally.
"Shut up, Yosuke. Don't. Nothing to apologize for, okay?"
"But I--"
"Chie-senpai is correct. The person whose behavior necessitates an apology is not you, Yosuke-senpai. As to that matter..."
---
From: Kazunari Kenta (bouken55@live.jp) Sent: Saturday, April 21, 2012 11:45:52 To: Matsubara Ryohei (mryo12@goo.ne.jp)
why step it up
why go after hanamura at all
he was our friend once
---
Naoto glanced over to Souji and Souji nodded, produced a piece of paper from his pocket, and Yosuke furrowed his brow, confused.
"What's that?"
"Suzuki-kun passed it to me this morning in the hallway."
Oh. That explained that weird handshake.
The guy who went after Hanamura-senpai is Mori from 2-D. I don't know anything else, Seta-senpai. I'm sorry.
"Does anyone know him?"
Nobody answered. Yosuke stared at the paper blankly. He had no idea who this guy was - had never even heard of him - what the fuck was his problem?
"What are we going to do, Souji-kun?"
Souji didn't respond at first. Yosuke looked over at him, sitting slightly forward with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands folded, and he was hit with another wave of guilt, this one stronger than the ones before it. Until now, he had been thinking only of himself - how embarrassed he was, how afraid he was, wondering what people would think of him, what his friends would think of him, how he was going to get through this - and he had not thought of how Souji was doing today, not once. This was affecting Souji, too, it was embarrassing to him as well, it was damaging his reputation too, but unlike Yosuke, he had done nothing to cause it. Souji hadn't asked to be humiliated, pointed at, whispered about, fucking outed - Yosuke had single-handedly done all of that for him, and it made him sick, and he was sorry, so fucking sorry.
Yosuke couldn't argue with that. If Souji needed to talk to him - for whatever reason - then Yosuke had nothing to say about it. Souji was good at that, good at talking to people, understanding them, influencing them. Yosuke had the distinct feeling that Souji didn't want to have a heart-to-heart chat with this 'Mori,' whoever the hell he was, but that Souji had another goal in mind, something that this guy was just a part of. That was okay. That was how it usually was.
"I want to go with you."
Everyone was silent. If they all just fucking stare at me, I don't think I can take it - but they didn't. Souji just nodded.
"Okay."
"Okay?! Souji, you can't just - he just - hurt him! Yosuke can't--"
"He can. And if he wants to, he should. It's okay."
"Senpai, if you and Yosuke-senpai intend to confront him, it ought to be now. He will not be expecting you to mobilize so quickly."
"Naoto-kun is right. Go now. We'll keep watch."
Now? Yosuke hadn't been expecting it to be now... but would putting it off make it any easier? No, he'd just think about it, roll it over and over in his head until it made him sick and sat like lead in his stomach, until he had thought of every possible way it could go wrong and end badly, until it had him shivering under the blankets with his hair plastered to his forehead by sweat. He hated that, hated that he couldn't be like Souji, that he could never be like Souji. But... if he could never be like Souji, then putting it off was pointless.
"Yosuke?"
Souji was on his feet and Yosuke got to his.
I'm useless, partner, but somehow, with you, I think I can do anything. Even this.
Re: Thread 78/?
anonymous
April 7 2012, 04:51:36 UTC
You go, guys. Fight-o. ;; Man, they're both so brave this update. I think I'd have puked by now, in either of their shoes. Also mentioning again how much I love your Souji characterization.
Re: Thread 78/?
anonymous
April 8 2012, 00:57:33 UTC
I just read this in one go and I'm all teary and there's a huge lump in my throat now. This is a masterful fanfic. Do you have it hosted anywhere else?
dkfhsdfkj omg thank you. as of right now, it's not hosted anywhere else, but when it's finished, it will go elsewhere - not because i think it's a spectacular work of art lol IT'S NOT but because these comments are stripping my formatting out of the chats/texts/emails/etc. preferably, it will eventually end up at ao3, but i don't know how much html ao3 allows, so if that doesn't work out, it will have its own journal. ♥
Re: Thread 78/?
anonymous
April 9 2012, 13:57:10 UTC
YOUSUKE I AM SO PROUD OF YOU so brave, they both of them. A-and I love that the others are backing them up--the image of Yukiko, Chie, Souji and Yousuke making an island in the middle of classrom has so much feelings I can't even.
Yosuke's palms were sweating, his stomach felt sick and heavy, and he concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, walking just a half-step behind Souji so that he could see him in his peripheral vision, looking strong and determined and everything that Yosuke felt he was not. He hated this part of himself, the part that doubted his own abilities and even his own worth - the part that had led to him standing naked in front of a mirror with a camera and a broken heart. His hands were beginning to shake. He balled them into fists, tried to mask it, and when Souji glanced back at him, checking on him, Yosuke only nodded, pressing forward. Souji nodded back and Yosuke wished so much that he could grab Souji's hand, squeeze it hard, maybe slow his racing heart a little... but he couldn't.
That was another thing Yosuke hated about himself - the fear. He could fight monsters that would kill him if he let his guard down, he could throw himself in the way of a certainly lethal attack against his friends, but he could not hold his boyfriend's hand. It wasn't that he was ashamed of Souji - if anything, it should be the other way around - and, he had come to realize, it wasn't exactly the whole "gay" thing either. If he were to be completely honest, he still didn't know what the hell he was, in terms of orientation, but he loved Souji and he definitely liked Souji's dick and that was just the way it was, so he had accepted it. He figured he had plenty of time to figure that out later, and it wasn't like anybody was going to interview him about it. It was none of anybody else's business anyway. He remembered how he had treated Kanji, and he still felt like he should apologize for that at some point, but that hadn't been about Kanji's Shadow or the bathhouse or any of it, it had been about Kanji being different, something that other people would find undesirable, something they would shun, and Yosuke needing to distance himself from it as much as possible before they began to shun him as well.
Not that it would make much difference, Junes boy.
What the hell was he even going to say? How could you phrase something like that? Sorry I antagonized you, but it wasn't really about you, it was about me, I was trying to protect myself from a pain I never wanted to feel again and I wanted everyone to like me, you forgive me, right? And Yosuke did want people to like him, still wanted them to like him, even now, when that was largely proving impossible. If people didn't like boys holding hands with boys, well, Yosuke wasn't going to hold hands with boys, even if it meant he had to see the hurt flicker across Souji's face when he pulled away from him. Souji had touched his hand once, sitting on the train back from Okina, just trying to link their little fingers together. It was highly unlikely - probably impossible - that anyone would see them, and Yosuke had still refused, put his hand in his pocket where Souji couldn't reach it, and Souji had spent the rest of the ride sitting quietly with his hands folded in his lap, staring down at his knees. He had later told Yosuke that he was sorry - he was sorry - and that he didn't mean to force him into anything. Yosuke had said he just wasn't ready for anything public, Souji had nodded, and Yosuke had gone to bed feeling like the worst person in the world.
Souji had not tried to hold his hand outside a bedroom since.
"2-D," Souji announced, and it broke Yosuke's train of thought.
"Huh?"
"2-D. This is his classroom."
Yosuke could not respond. His throat had closed up. There he was, sitting in the classroom, laughing like he had every reason to be happy, like he didn't have a new hobby of assaulting people in bathrooms. His nose looked even more like a beak in natural light and Yosuke had the perverse urge to break it.
"Which one is he?"
Yosuke gestured and Souji's mouth closed into a tight line.
"Then let's not stand here and think about it anymore."
And just like that, Souji was opening the door, walking into the classroom like it was his own, and Yosuke watched the expression on Seagull-Mori-whoever's face change from bewilderment at the sight of Souji to realization at the sight of Yosuke and finally to apprehension bordering on fear when he made the connection. Yosuke would have thoroughly enjoyed it if he didn't feel that, at any minute, he was going to wet himself. The classroom was completely silent and Yosuke wondered if anyone else could hear his heart pounding in his chest. The hair at the back of Souji's neck was damp and slightly curling. So... he really is nervous too.
"Mori-kun?"
"Who wants to know?"
Yosuke wanted to roll his eyes, but stopped himself when he remember he had actually allowed a loser like this to... to... he couldn't finish the thought.
"I have something I would like to discuss with you."
"You're Seta, right? Seta Souji? That faggot's boyfriend? You looking for a threesome or something? Sorry, I'm not into guys, and even if I was, Hanamura's so fucking weird looking I couldn't even get it up."
Mori's friends snickered. Yosuke swallowed hard and dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands. Souji did not waver.
"If that's the case, I'm fairly certain you'll want to have this conversation in private."
Yosuke watched as the cockiness slowly drained out of Mori's eyes and was replaced with a mix of horror and loathing. His friends looked confused, Yosuke could feel the focus shifting off of him, and finally Mori stood up, glaring at Souji.
"Yo, Mori, what the hell is he talking about?"
"It's fine, it's fine. I'll get rid of him and be back before lunch is over."
Not likely, the way Souji looked, but Yosuke said nothing, wordlessly followed them down the hallway and out a side entrance of the school, one used only for deliveries and that was completely deserted now. Nobody could possibly see them out here. Mori looked cornered, trapped, like some kind of angry feral animal, and Yosuke was half-expecting him to lunge. He wished he had his knives.
"I understand there was an incident between you and Yosuke."
"Yeah. He's a cocksucker and I let him suck my cock. It was pretty charitable of me, I think."
"Why did you do that?"
"What? Nobody has to tell you what to do with a bitch like Hanamura. You know what he does when you're not around, don't you? Sucks other guys' cocks, probably takes it up the ass from anyone who wants to give it... he's worse than a hooker, right, at least they make you pay for it, Hanamura gives it up for free--"
Souji moved so fast it took Yosuke a moment to even register it. Souji had Mori pressed against the wall, one arm under his chin and pressing against his throat, and for the first time Mori looked honestly, truly scared. Yosuke knew Souji wouldn't kill him, but Mori didn't, and that was a piece of information Yosuke took pleasure in not divulging.
"You watch your mouth."
Mori nodded, eyes wide.
"I asked you why you did that."
"Look, it wasn't me, okay?! I got no problem with Hanamura, I swear, it's just my friend told me he was a thief, like he owed him money or something, you know, and he showed me those pictures and I was like, holy shit, this kid's seriously wacked, he's like a slut and a thief, right? So my friend told me to fuck him up a little, add some new material to his greatest hits, you get it, right?"
They met the others and Yosuke found he had been dreading this part most of all, being back in the group with the people he had alienated and screamed at and embarrassed himself in front of, people that used to be his friends and were still his friends, but whom he had allowed himself to corrupt into something else, and he didn't know how to apologize for it. Worse, they had probably seen everything, every picture, that fucking video, and now that would be what they saw every time they looked at him, the skinny pathetic kid they could all easily imagine without clothes because they knew for fucking sure what was under them, and whenever they looked at him they'd see it. He scratched at his arm, wished he could peel off his skin and start over again, not put his body on the internet for every asshole with a monitor to stare at and exploit. How could he ever explain what he had done to his friends?
"Glad you're back, senpai," was the first thing Yosuke heard, from Kanji, and when he took his eyes off the concrete it was clear that Kanji was speaking not just to Souji but to both of them. Yosuke couldn't stand it anymore.
"I'm sorr-" he started to say, but Chie cut him off, grabbed his hand and kicked him in the shin. Well, at least she was acting normally.
"Shut up, Yosuke. Don't. Nothing to apologize for, okay?"
"But I--"
"Chie-senpai is correct. The person whose behavior necessitates an apology is not you, Yosuke-senpai. As to that matter..."
---
From: Kazunari Kenta (bouken55@live.jp)
Sent: Saturday, April 21, 2012 11:45:52
To: Matsubara Ryohei (mryo12@goo.ne.jp)
why step it up
why go after hanamura at all
he was our friend once
---
Naoto glanced over to Souji and Souji nodded, produced a piece of paper from his pocket, and Yosuke furrowed his brow, confused.
"What's that?"
"Suzuki-kun passed it to me this morning in the hallway."
Oh. That explained that weird handshake.
The guy who went after Hanamura-senpai is Mori from 2-D. I don't know anything else, Seta-senpai. I'm sorry.
"Does anyone know him?"
Nobody answered. Yosuke stared at the paper blankly. He had no idea who this guy was - had never even heard of him - what the fuck was his problem?
"What are we going to do, Souji-kun?"
Souji didn't respond at first. Yosuke looked over at him, sitting slightly forward with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands folded, and he was hit with another wave of guilt, this one stronger than the ones before it. Until now, he had been thinking only of himself - how embarrassed he was, how afraid he was, wondering what people would think of him, what his friends would think of him, how he was going to get through this - and he had not thought of how Souji was doing today, not once. This was affecting Souji, too, it was embarrassing to him as well, it was damaging his reputation too, but unlike Yosuke, he had done nothing to cause it. Souji hadn't asked to be humiliated, pointed at, whispered about, fucking outed - Yosuke had single-handedly done all of that for him, and it made him sick, and he was sorry, so fucking sorry.
Reply
"Partner, don't..."
"I need to do this."
Yosuke couldn't argue with that. If Souji needed to talk to him - for whatever reason - then Yosuke had nothing to say about it. Souji was good at that, good at talking to people, understanding them, influencing them. Yosuke had the distinct feeling that Souji didn't want to have a heart-to-heart chat with this 'Mori,' whoever the hell he was, but that Souji had another goal in mind, something that this guy was just a part of. That was okay. That was how it usually was.
"I want to go with you."
Everyone was silent. If they all just fucking stare at me, I don't think I can take it - but they didn't. Souji just nodded.
"Okay."
"Okay?! Souji, you can't just - he just - hurt him! Yosuke can't--"
"He can. And if he wants to, he should. It's okay."
"Senpai, if you and Yosuke-senpai intend to confront him, it ought to be now. He will not be expecting you to mobilize so quickly."
"Naoto-kun is right. Go now. We'll keep watch."
Now? Yosuke hadn't been expecting it to be now... but would putting it off make it any easier? No, he'd just think about it, roll it over and over in his head until it made him sick and sat like lead in his stomach, until he had thought of every possible way it could go wrong and end badly, until it had him shivering under the blankets with his hair plastered to his forehead by sweat. He hated that, hated that he couldn't be like Souji, that he could never be like Souji. But... if he could never be like Souji, then putting it off was pointless.
"Yosuke?"
Souji was on his feet and Yosuke got to his.
I'm useless, partner, but somehow, with you, I think I can do anything. Even this.
Reply
Reply
BTW, you might want to start a new thread again (hurhur /bad pun) - this one's getting awfully squashed. ;)
Reply
Reply
Reply
A++++, never stop anoooonnnn keep being amazing
Reply
Reply
Reply
That was another thing Yosuke hated about himself - the fear. He could fight monsters that would kill him if he let his guard down, he could throw himself in the way of a certainly lethal attack against his friends, but he could not hold his boyfriend's hand. It wasn't that he was ashamed of Souji - if anything, it should be the other way around - and, he had come to realize, it wasn't exactly the whole "gay" thing either. If he were to be completely honest, he still didn't know what the hell he was, in terms of orientation, but he loved Souji and he definitely liked Souji's dick and that was just the way it was, so he had accepted it. He figured he had plenty of time to figure that out later, and it wasn't like anybody was going to interview him about it. It was none of anybody else's business anyway. He remembered how he had treated Kanji, and he still felt like he should apologize for that at some point, but that hadn't been about Kanji's Shadow or the bathhouse or any of it, it had been about Kanji being different, something that other people would find undesirable, something they would shun, and Yosuke needing to distance himself from it as much as possible before they began to shun him as well.
Not that it would make much difference, Junes boy.
What the hell was he even going to say? How could you phrase something like that? Sorry I antagonized you, but it wasn't really about you, it was about me, I was trying to protect myself from a pain I never wanted to feel again and I wanted everyone to like me, you forgive me, right? And Yosuke did want people to like him, still wanted them to like him, even now, when that was largely proving impossible. If people didn't like boys holding hands with boys, well, Yosuke wasn't going to hold hands with boys, even if it meant he had to see the hurt flicker across Souji's face when he pulled away from him. Souji had touched his hand once, sitting on the train back from Okina, just trying to link their little fingers together. It was highly unlikely - probably impossible - that anyone would see them, and Yosuke had still refused, put his hand in his pocket where Souji couldn't reach it, and Souji had spent the rest of the ride sitting quietly with his hands folded in his lap, staring down at his knees. He had later told Yosuke that he was sorry - he was sorry - and that he didn't mean to force him into anything. Yosuke had said he just wasn't ready for anything public, Souji had nodded, and Yosuke had gone to bed feeling like the worst person in the world.
Souji had not tried to hold his hand outside a bedroom since.
"2-D," Souji announced, and it broke Yosuke's train of thought.
"Huh?"
"2-D. This is his classroom."
Yosuke could not respond. His throat had closed up. There he was, sitting in the classroom, laughing like he had every reason to be happy, like he didn't have a new hobby of assaulting people in bathrooms. His nose looked even more like a beak in natural light and Yosuke had the perverse urge to break it.
"Which one is he?"
Yosuke gestured and Souji's mouth closed into a tight line.
"You're sure you want to do this?"
Reply
"Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure."
"Then let's not stand here and think about it anymore."
And just like that, Souji was opening the door, walking into the classroom like it was his own, and Yosuke watched the expression on Seagull-Mori-whoever's face change from bewilderment at the sight of Souji to realization at the sight of Yosuke and finally to apprehension bordering on fear when he made the connection. Yosuke would have thoroughly enjoyed it if he didn't feel that, at any minute, he was going to wet himself. The classroom was completely silent and Yosuke wondered if anyone else could hear his heart pounding in his chest. The hair at the back of Souji's neck was damp and slightly curling. So... he really is nervous too.
"Mori-kun?"
"Who wants to know?"
Yosuke wanted to roll his eyes, but stopped himself when he remember he had actually allowed a loser like this to... to... he couldn't finish the thought.
"I have something I would like to discuss with you."
"You're Seta, right? Seta Souji? That faggot's boyfriend? You looking for a threesome or something? Sorry, I'm not into guys, and even if I was, Hanamura's so fucking weird looking I couldn't even get it up."
Mori's friends snickered. Yosuke swallowed hard and dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands. Souji did not waver.
"If that's the case, I'm fairly certain you'll want to have this conversation in private."
Yosuke watched as the cockiness slowly drained out of Mori's eyes and was replaced with a mix of horror and loathing. His friends looked confused, Yosuke could feel the focus shifting off of him, and finally Mori stood up, glaring at Souji.
"Yo, Mori, what the hell is he talking about?"
"It's fine, it's fine. I'll get rid of him and be back before lunch is over."
Not likely, the way Souji looked, but Yosuke said nothing, wordlessly followed them down the hallway and out a side entrance of the school, one used only for deliveries and that was completely deserted now. Nobody could possibly see them out here. Mori looked cornered, trapped, like some kind of angry feral animal, and Yosuke was half-expecting him to lunge. He wished he had his knives.
"I understand there was an incident between you and Yosuke."
"Yeah. He's a cocksucker and I let him suck my cock. It was pretty charitable of me, I think."
"Why did you do that?"
"What? Nobody has to tell you what to do with a bitch like Hanamura. You know what he does when you're not around, don't you? Sucks other guys' cocks, probably takes it up the ass from anyone who wants to give it... he's worse than a hooker, right, at least they make you pay for it, Hanamura gives it up for free--"
Souji moved so fast it took Yosuke a moment to even register it. Souji had Mori pressed against the wall, one arm under his chin and pressing against his throat, and for the first time Mori looked honestly, truly scared. Yosuke knew Souji wouldn't kill him, but Mori didn't, and that was a piece of information Yosuke took pleasure in not divulging.
"You watch your mouth."
Mori nodded, eyes wide.
"I asked you why you did that."
"Look, it wasn't me, okay?! I got no problem with Hanamura, I swear, it's just my friend told me he was a thief, like he owed him money or something, you know, and he showed me those pictures and I was like, holy shit, this kid's seriously wacked, he's like a slut and a thief, right? So my friend told me to fuck him up a little, add some new material to his greatest hits, you get it, right?"
"Name."
"I c--"
"Tell me this person's name."
"Matsubara. Matsubara Ryohei."
[aaand we're going back to the beginning of this thread for the next parts i'm about to post as we are now very squishy: http://badx2bathhouse.livejournal.com/543.html?thread=984607#t984607]
Reply
Leave a comment