"Come here and smell his lemony head furs!"
So, here is a piece of creative nonfiction I'm feeling VERY awkward about, but really need ConCrit on. I intend to send this in to an anthology about women's and transfolk's sexuality, so I want it to be perfect.
( This is a sexually explicit work dealing with masturbation, boydykery, sadomasochism, and voyeurism. You are warned. )
( This is a sexually explicit work dealing with masturbation, boydykery, sadomasochism, and voyeurism. You are warned. )
It's Red-- Lanthir linked me here. It was pretty cool to read about everybody from your point of view (I'm flattered to have appeared)... I'm glad you weren't just flamingly uncomfortable for all that stuff (I was never entirely sure).
Question: Do you think it would work to end with the second masturbating part, instead of the Rin part? Somehow that seems more balanced to me-- you know, start with masturbating, end with masturbating (which I feel that all nonfiction should do)
Other stuff:
On her orders, I am overjoyed to dig my teeth into the pale curve of her neck. --> totally subjective, it sounds better to me without the "overjoyed" part.
she is the one struggling way. --> way=away, right?
I follow Her fingers fist tight in the silk of my vest --> whose fist is in your vest? And are you follow her fingers with your eyes? Your mouth? I got a little lost
haplessly on her plump thighs --> my personal kinkitude says "helplessly" is hotter than "haplessly." But again, totally subjective.
What had been a quest for a particular DVD --> this is not concrit. But what the hell DVD was it? I was trying to remember, and I couldn't...
rapidly mutated into an excersize --> exercise
I am pined between all that bare skin --> pinned
As ‘010 dawns --> "as '10 dawns"?
Ok, that's all from me! Hope you didn't mind me gatecrashing... I'll be in Staunton sometime in October, so we should hang then.
--Red
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