SP 2.0
It happened again.
I didn't even realize it until the familiar stiffness flowed throughout my body and the buzzing vibrated inside my ears.
I laid there, supine and helpless. I looked to my side, or at least I thought I was. Sometimes I never really know if I'm looking around or if it's just my mind playing tricks. I heard the soft music playing below, at least it stayed that way and I felt safer it wasn't the sounds that usually come out of the dark.
Other times, in bed, I would hear whispered voices, coming in and out so fast in a rush, but then slowing down for only a single word to be heard before flying back up. The music stayed, but I still I felt exposed, my arm felt the push of air from the fan above and I expected at any moment for it to grab on or lightly tingle the hairs on my skin before stealing at least a scrape.
I tried moving my hands, I sensed them on my chest but I could feel nothing. Both sets of fingers were facing in and creeping towards one another to attempt a pull, to lift me from this state. My feet wiggled, but only slightly. Usually I'm able to make some kind of moderate action, but weakness strongly overcame and my efforts seemed futile.
I tried to speak, words came out, but only as a dulled ramble within my ears. I yelled repeatedly, "wake up... wake up...WAKE UP" and still it sounded like someone had a thick cloth to my mouth while I was fighting to scream for help and only distorted words could barely be able to escape.
I stopped for a moment, calmed down, and looked up. . .that is when I had enough. My eyes flickered constantly. I was confused. I had no idea what I was seeing. Small images were flashing everywhere, my eyes jolted back and forth, up and down . . . I think I could even see back at my own eyes, I was terrified. I looked away and tried moving my hands again, pulling them closer and closer to each other until finally I got a hold of my left middle finger with my right hand. I still had no feeling in my body, but I knew I was successful. I pulled and pulled, trying to make a rustle, but no luck.
I looked up again and the fluttering of my eyes continued, running rampant like wild wolves across a dark forest. The pictures were everywhere and I could hear the beat beat beating sound of the my eyes, hitting so hard in every direction as the small framed images continued to flash.
I looked away and I continued to vocalize "wake up . . wake up . . . wake up. . .just wake up . . ." I couldn't breathe and the air was getting thinner and thinner. I felt something on my face, quite possibly the blanket or pillow, stealing my oxygen and making my breathing harder and harder.
Finally, with a strong gasp and lift, I'm awake and sitting up. I'm panting heavily and looking around. What felt only like minutes, was actually hours. The light of the day hadn't quite broken in under the curtains, but I did not feel the need to attempt to slip into a more comfortable sleep because at that moment I felt I would only get trapped again.
That's how it happens sometimes, in cycles. I've endured repeated episodes over and over, waking my self up only to fall back in to the fluttering madness, scraping nails, and inescapable frightening whispers.
I'm aware of it all, from beginning to end. Sometimes I dream at the same time, but I can also see what's around me. It gets confusing to distinguish what is real and what is not, especially when someone else is there trying to wake me up. I've felt the shake of another, trying to bring me back, but on their end they're saying my name over and over and on my end I hear the dark whispers and feel the claws clutching my arms. I awaken to see what's real. . .at least so I think.
It's been a long time since this has happened. The time in between has become greater and greater, but I think this will always be with me. Stress, sleep deprivation, anxiety, depression, worry . . .so many triggers.
I'm hopeful that one day it will end, but until then, I should still sleep cautiously. I often wonder what would happen if I just laid there and just watched.
Even though I know it's all in my head (isn't it?) it still terrifies me.
It's just all in my head. . .
I didn't even realize it until the familiar stiffness flowed throughout my body and the buzzing vibrated inside my ears.
I laid there, supine and helpless. I looked to my side, or at least I thought I was. Sometimes I never really know if I'm looking around or if it's just my mind playing tricks. I heard the soft music playing below, at least it stayed that way and I felt safer it wasn't the sounds that usually come out of the dark.
Other times, in bed, I would hear whispered voices, coming in and out so fast in a rush, but then slowing down for only a single word to be heard before flying back up. The music stayed, but I still I felt exposed, my arm felt the push of air from the fan above and I expected at any moment for it to grab on or lightly tingle the hairs on my skin before stealing at least a scrape.
I tried moving my hands, I sensed them on my chest but I could feel nothing. Both sets of fingers were facing in and creeping towards one another to attempt a pull, to lift me from this state. My feet wiggled, but only slightly. Usually I'm able to make some kind of moderate action, but weakness strongly overcame and my efforts seemed futile.
I tried to speak, words came out, but only as a dulled ramble within my ears. I yelled repeatedly, "wake up... wake up...WAKE UP" and still it sounded like someone had a thick cloth to my mouth while I was fighting to scream for help and only distorted words could barely be able to escape.
I stopped for a moment, calmed down, and looked up. . .that is when I had enough. My eyes flickered constantly. I was confused. I had no idea what I was seeing. Small images were flashing everywhere, my eyes jolted back and forth, up and down . . . I think I could even see back at my own eyes, I was terrified. I looked away and tried moving my hands again, pulling them closer and closer to each other until finally I got a hold of my left middle finger with my right hand. I still had no feeling in my body, but I knew I was successful. I pulled and pulled, trying to make a rustle, but no luck.
I looked up again and the fluttering of my eyes continued, running rampant like wild wolves across a dark forest. The pictures were everywhere and I could hear the beat beat beating sound of the my eyes, hitting so hard in every direction as the small framed images continued to flash.
I looked away and I continued to vocalize "wake up . . wake up . . . wake up. . .just wake up . . ." I couldn't breathe and the air was getting thinner and thinner. I felt something on my face, quite possibly the blanket or pillow, stealing my oxygen and making my breathing harder and harder.
Finally, with a strong gasp and lift, I'm awake and sitting up. I'm panting heavily and looking around. What felt only like minutes, was actually hours. The light of the day hadn't quite broken in under the curtains, but I did not feel the need to attempt to slip into a more comfortable sleep because at that moment I felt I would only get trapped again.
That's how it happens sometimes, in cycles. I've endured repeated episodes over and over, waking my self up only to fall back in to the fluttering madness, scraping nails, and inescapable frightening whispers.
I'm aware of it all, from beginning to end. Sometimes I dream at the same time, but I can also see what's around me. It gets confusing to distinguish what is real and what is not, especially when someone else is there trying to wake me up. I've felt the shake of another, trying to bring me back, but on their end they're saying my name over and over and on my end I hear the dark whispers and feel the claws clutching my arms. I awaken to see what's real. . .at least so I think.
It's been a long time since this has happened. The time in between has become greater and greater, but I think this will always be with me. Stress, sleep deprivation, anxiety, depression, worry . . .so many triggers.
I'm hopeful that one day it will end, but until then, I should still sleep cautiously. I often wonder what would happen if I just laid there and just watched.
Even though I know it's all in my head (isn't it?) it still terrifies me.
It's just all in my head. . .