Fic: Weird Fortunes
Title: Weird Fortunes
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Ianto, Jack, Owen, OMC.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1037
Summary: Ianto and Jack get some really strange messages in their fortune cookies.
Spoilers: None.
Written For: tigriswolf’s prompt ‘author's choice, author's choice, You will die alone and poorly dressed,’ at comment_fic.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood or any of the characters.
Relaxing back on the sofa, stuffed from a very tasty dinner of Chinese takeaway, Ianto broke open his fortune cookie, extracted the slip of paper, and frowned at it.
“Huh. I thought fortune cookies were meant to be inspirational, or at least hopeful.”
“Why? What’cha get?” Jack mumbled around a mouthful of noodles. He was still eating like a starving man, which might well be the case since he’d been killed twice in the space of an hour while dealing with a very nasty alien that spat toxic venom. It wasn’t even the first time that had happened to him; it seemed quite a few alien species relied on similar defence mechanisms.
Ianto handed his fortune to his lover. “See for yourself.”
Setting his chopsticks in his takeaway carton for a moment, Jack whisked the paper out of Ianto’s fingers, deftly turning it around one-handed so he could read the single line of type.
‘You will die alone and poorly dressed.’
Flipping it over to check the other side and finding it blank, he raised his eyebrows. “Seriously? That sounds more like a threat than a fortune.”
“Probably a disgruntled employee.” Ianto shrugged. “It’s not like anyone believes these things. What did you get?”
“Don’t know.” Jack shovelled another pile of noodles into his mouth before putting the carton down and reaching for his cookie. He swallowed quickly. “Let’s see… ‘Things are looking up’. Okay, that doesn’t exactly fill me with optimism, but it’s still better than yours.”
“I don’t know, it rather depends what sort of things they are, and where they’re looking up at you from,” Ianto teased. “I mean, this is Torchwood.”
“Good point. On the other hand, at least it doesn’t say I’m going to die. Again.”
“There’s that. Or maybe we accidentally got each other’s fortunes.” Catching the look on Jack’s face, Ianto smiled apologetically. “Sorry, probably shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s fine. I was thinking the same thing.”
“Not that we believe in fortunes though, right?”
“Right,” Jack agreed, turning back to his meal and putting the weird fortunes out of his mind.
OoOoOoO
Two days later, Ianto died. He was alone in his back garden, up a ladder, dressed in his scruffiest clothes and cleaning out the gutters, when a stray dog came charging around the back of the house in hot pursuit of a neighbour’s cat and knocked the ladder right out from under him. It happened so fast he didn’t even have time to register the impact when he hit the ground.
He revived to find Jack kneeling beside him, face pale and eyes wide. “Ianto! Are you alright?”
“Stupid question,” Ianto grumbled, sitting up. “I don’t ask you that after you die.” Normally, when Jack revived from one of his deaths Ianto would reassure him that he was safe and not alone. “Are you ever alright after dying and coming back to life?”
“No, you’re right, it was a stupid question, and I’m sorry. It’s just unsettling, coming home and finding you lying on the ground like that, dead. I’m just not used to this, you being like me.”
“Neither am I.” Ianto sighed. “I’m alive though, which I suppose is what matters.” He held his hand out to Jack, who pulled him to his feet, then did what he could to dust himself off, not that it made any noticeable difference. “Looks like my fortune cookie was right though, which is a seriously disconcerting thought. I died, alone, dressed like this.”
Jack looked worried. “Suddenly I’m nervous.”
“Mm,” Ianto agreed. “So am I. If you happen to come across any Things and they’re looking up…”
“I don’t think I want to wait for that to happen.” Jack gnawed on his bottom lip, thinking. “We should probably find out where the Chinese takeaway got that last batch of fortune cookies, because either that was an extraordinary coincidence, or something very weird is going on.”
“I don’t believe in coincidences. at least not this kind. Let me just put the ladder away and get changed into something more presentable, then we should pay the Lotus Blossom Chinese Takeaway a visit.”
Ianto showered quickly to get rid of the dried blood, before dressing in smart casuals. Then he and Jack set off for their favourite local Chinese takeaway place where, to their utter lack of surprise, they found the owner, Mr Li, standing on the counter. The bottoms of this trouser legs were shredded and stained with blood, and there were approximately thirty Things arrayed across the floor, looking up at him with malevolent, beady red eyes and wide mouths dripping saliva.
On the plus side, they were only six inches tall, so although they had sharp claws on each of their six feet, as well as wickedly barbed tails, and teeth a piranha would envy, they were nothing Torchwood couldn’t handle. Jack called in the rest of the team, and twenty minutes later, all the Things were securely contained, awaiting transport back to the Hub. Ianto helped Mr Li down from the counter and cleaned up while Owen treated the poor man’s injuries. Thankfully, it turned out the Things weren’t venomous.
“You saved my life, I cannot thank you enough,” Mr Li exclaimed, clasping first Jack’s hand, then Ianto’s. “If you had not come, evil Things might have climbed onto counter and eaten me! How did you know?”
“We didn’t, exactly,” Jack said.
“We sort of a had a hunch something might be a bit off,” Ianto added. “Mostly because of what we found in our fortune cookies a couple of days ago.”
“Fortune cookies?” Mr Li looked confused. “Not have fortune cookies. Ran out two weeks ago, suppliers say cannot deliver more until weekend.”
“Okay, so that was weird, even for us,” Jack said as they loaded the captured Things into the SUV. “If Mr Li didn’t put those fortune cookies in with our order, where did they come from?”
“Knowing our luck, we’ll probably never find out.” Ianto gave a wry smile. “At least we were forewarned, but I wish whoever was responsible could have found a less unpleasant way of convincing us something weird was going on than having me fall off a ladder and die.”
The End
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Ianto, Jack, Owen, OMC.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1037
Summary: Ianto and Jack get some really strange messages in their fortune cookies.
Spoilers: None.
Written For: tigriswolf’s prompt ‘author's choice, author's choice, You will die alone and poorly dressed,’ at comment_fic.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood or any of the characters.
Relaxing back on the sofa, stuffed from a very tasty dinner of Chinese takeaway, Ianto broke open his fortune cookie, extracted the slip of paper, and frowned at it.
“Huh. I thought fortune cookies were meant to be inspirational, or at least hopeful.”
“Why? What’cha get?” Jack mumbled around a mouthful of noodles. He was still eating like a starving man, which might well be the case since he’d been killed twice in the space of an hour while dealing with a very nasty alien that spat toxic venom. It wasn’t even the first time that had happened to him; it seemed quite a few alien species relied on similar defence mechanisms.
Ianto handed his fortune to his lover. “See for yourself.”
Setting his chopsticks in his takeaway carton for a moment, Jack whisked the paper out of Ianto’s fingers, deftly turning it around one-handed so he could read the single line of type.
‘You will die alone and poorly dressed.’
Flipping it over to check the other side and finding it blank, he raised his eyebrows. “Seriously? That sounds more like a threat than a fortune.”
“Probably a disgruntled employee.” Ianto shrugged. “It’s not like anyone believes these things. What did you get?”
“Don’t know.” Jack shovelled another pile of noodles into his mouth before putting the carton down and reaching for his cookie. He swallowed quickly. “Let’s see… ‘Things are looking up’. Okay, that doesn’t exactly fill me with optimism, but it’s still better than yours.”
“I don’t know, it rather depends what sort of things they are, and where they’re looking up at you from,” Ianto teased. “I mean, this is Torchwood.”
“Good point. On the other hand, at least it doesn’t say I’m going to die. Again.”
“There’s that. Or maybe we accidentally got each other’s fortunes.” Catching the look on Jack’s face, Ianto smiled apologetically. “Sorry, probably shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s fine. I was thinking the same thing.”
“Not that we believe in fortunes though, right?”
“Right,” Jack agreed, turning back to his meal and putting the weird fortunes out of his mind.
OoOoOoO
Two days later, Ianto died. He was alone in his back garden, up a ladder, dressed in his scruffiest clothes and cleaning out the gutters, when a stray dog came charging around the back of the house in hot pursuit of a neighbour’s cat and knocked the ladder right out from under him. It happened so fast he didn’t even have time to register the impact when he hit the ground.
He revived to find Jack kneeling beside him, face pale and eyes wide. “Ianto! Are you alright?”
“Stupid question,” Ianto grumbled, sitting up. “I don’t ask you that after you die.” Normally, when Jack revived from one of his deaths Ianto would reassure him that he was safe and not alone. “Are you ever alright after dying and coming back to life?”
“No, you’re right, it was a stupid question, and I’m sorry. It’s just unsettling, coming home and finding you lying on the ground like that, dead. I’m just not used to this, you being like me.”
“Neither am I.” Ianto sighed. “I’m alive though, which I suppose is what matters.” He held his hand out to Jack, who pulled him to his feet, then did what he could to dust himself off, not that it made any noticeable difference. “Looks like my fortune cookie was right though, which is a seriously disconcerting thought. I died, alone, dressed like this.”
Jack looked worried. “Suddenly I’m nervous.”
“Mm,” Ianto agreed. “So am I. If you happen to come across any Things and they’re looking up…”
“I don’t think I want to wait for that to happen.” Jack gnawed on his bottom lip, thinking. “We should probably find out where the Chinese takeaway got that last batch of fortune cookies, because either that was an extraordinary coincidence, or something very weird is going on.”
“I don’t believe in coincidences. at least not this kind. Let me just put the ladder away and get changed into something more presentable, then we should pay the Lotus Blossom Chinese Takeaway a visit.”
Ianto showered quickly to get rid of the dried blood, before dressing in smart casuals. Then he and Jack set off for their favourite local Chinese takeaway place where, to their utter lack of surprise, they found the owner, Mr Li, standing on the counter. The bottoms of this trouser legs were shredded and stained with blood, and there were approximately thirty Things arrayed across the floor, looking up at him with malevolent, beady red eyes and wide mouths dripping saliva.
On the plus side, they were only six inches tall, so although they had sharp claws on each of their six feet, as well as wickedly barbed tails, and teeth a piranha would envy, they were nothing Torchwood couldn’t handle. Jack called in the rest of the team, and twenty minutes later, all the Things were securely contained, awaiting transport back to the Hub. Ianto helped Mr Li down from the counter and cleaned up while Owen treated the poor man’s injuries. Thankfully, it turned out the Things weren’t venomous.
“You saved my life, I cannot thank you enough,” Mr Li exclaimed, clasping first Jack’s hand, then Ianto’s. “If you had not come, evil Things might have climbed onto counter and eaten me! How did you know?”
“We didn’t, exactly,” Jack said.
“We sort of a had a hunch something might be a bit off,” Ianto added. “Mostly because of what we found in our fortune cookies a couple of days ago.”
“Fortune cookies?” Mr Li looked confused. “Not have fortune cookies. Ran out two weeks ago, suppliers say cannot deliver more until weekend.”
“Okay, so that was weird, even for us,” Jack said as they loaded the captured Things into the SUV. “If Mr Li didn’t put those fortune cookies in with our order, where did they come from?”
“Knowing our luck, we’ll probably never find out.” Ianto gave a wry smile. “At least we were forewarned, but I wish whoever was responsible could have found a less unpleasant way of convincing us something weird was going on than having me fall off a ladder and die.”
The End