Just keep moving on
My life has shifted so radically since my last update. I dont even know where to begin. I'm having a hard time organizing this in any way, so this entry is going to be pretty stream of consciousness. For those of you who haven't heard, I live in Texas now. So far, Austin seems like a pretty cool city. Honestly, I love where my life is right now, but sometimes it is really exhausting. Things often go from not bothering me at all to being quite difficult.
I think the thing that bothers me most frequently is the fact that I don't have any friends here. I dont even really know too many people. Very often, I am surprised by how ok I am with it. For example, I am totally ok with the fact that I havent done anything on a weekend but practice since I got here. I'm actually starting to get to the point where I look forward to coming home and sitting at my computer for the night, which frightens me a little. It would be nice to have a friend or two to hang out with on the weekends. I'm sure I'll make friends eventually, and it isn't like I don't have friends, they just all live in a different time zone.
Next, the piano program here is phenomenal. There are so many awesome opportunities and I am learning so much. I didnt get to study with Nancy Garrett, like i had planned to because her studio was full. I may or may not transfer to her next semester, I cant really decide. My teacher now is really nice and definitely very knowledgeable. I'm practicing well here and I think my technique has improved in the three weeks I've been here. The thing that terrifies me though, is that my teacher now is very much about independent study, which is kinda like taking the training wheels off. Until now, my teacher would tell me what to do and how to get better. Now though, my teacher is more a guiding figure in my own study, which is both good and terrifying. Terrifying because if I'm not careful, i'll end up worse than when I got here. This semester, I'm tackling Beethoven concerto number 1, which should be very good for me. Technically, its not too much more difficult than I'm used to, but it is by far the longest piece I have ever played (over forty minutes when fully orchestrated.) So I've got until December to learn 40 minutes of music, plus a few other pieces. I'm terrified that its a little too ambitious a goal, but its definitely what I need to take my playing to the next level.
The other pianists here are extraordinarily intimidating, however. I found out that theres a sophomore here who is playing some of the Schumann Symphonic Etudes. I dont know if this means much to you guys, but they are exceedingly difficult and by faaaaaar beyond me. I go back and forth very often of this subject. Sometimes, I wonder if I am wasting my time because I started so late. My technique is quite a bit underdeveloped and my repertoire is probably the smallest of any musician currently enrolled at UT. Then sometimes I wonder how much its going to matter 20 years from now that these people played when they were 10. I sometimes feel like as long as I work my ass of at school, I can certainly put myself on par with these people.
Also, I have a terrible track record of liking my roommates when I live with them. Let me preface this paragraph by stating that Pierre is often a cool guy, that is just not nearly as interesting to write/read about. My new roommate pierre is at once hilariously deluded and annoyingly pretentious. He is really pretentious about the things that he does. The only issue with this is that hes not that smart. He once told me that the human race was a virus on the planet because we use up all the earth's resources and that because there were so many of us, we were no longer part of the natural order of the world. The question I asked him in response to this was "So wait, did aliens come by and drop us off on their way to the supermarket, because thats the only way I see that we could exist outside earth's natural order?" Also, if there were six billion beavers on earth, our rainforests would probably be in pretty bad shape too. dummy. Just to be clear, I wouldn't take nearly so much pleasure in deflating his absurdity if he wasnt such a pretentious cunt about his ideas. Also, he is kind of a big tool about girls. Apparently he doesn't know that I'm gay because he keeps asking me about hot girls. I dont understand how this is possible, because we are facebook friends. also, there was a very awkward moment at our floor meeting, which I will speak about in a second. The message I get from this is that he assumes that I am straight to the point that he didn't even bother to glance at it on facebook. I understand that he might not look at it immediately, the way I might, since sexuality is not nearly as large a point of contention in his life as it is in mine. Still though, not even a glance? Also, funny roommate story: He got a call from a wrong number from this girl named Alisona (a girl he doesnt know in any way), who he thought sounded hot, so he hit on her over the phone when she called and he saved her number. That is the creepiest/most ridiculous thing I have seen another person do, maybe ever.
Next on the list of things I wanted to talk about. I suppose I'll start this section by saying that there is a very very attractive guy in my theory class, who I think is gay, but I'm not sure. The frustrating thing is, I cant find him on facebook to confirm it one way or the other. And you would be border-line disgusted at how good I am at finding people on facebook with minimal information. Heres the thing. I spent so much of the latter parts of high school and the early parts of college complaining about the boyfriend thing and feeling (rather pathetically) sorry for myself. The truth of the matter is, relationships often make you lose sight of other things. I have worked very hard to get to where I am in my life and need to continue to work to get where I want to go. A boyfriend might (and probably would have) distracted me from it. If it were ever in my life to come down to a choice between a relationship and a career as a pianist, I would choose piano every single time. Is there room in my life to practice 6 hours a day, have friends, and have any sort of relationship? probably not at this juncture in my life. In the order of priorities, a relationship comes in last and is dropped from the list. Not because I dont want one, just because there isnt room in my life for one. Now, the thing is, when a relationship comes along, I'm aware that my priorities will probably shift. I dont think I can afford for them to shift. So, in retrospect, I think its probably a good thing that I have been fairly inactive relationship-wise.
Also, I have made quite a few interesting literary acquisitions in the past few weeks. I've been reading a lot since I came to austin and I live across from an awesome bookstore. I just read the Zombie Survival Guide, which was tremendous. I am totally ready when the zombie apocalypse comes. I just started Chelsea Handlers book "Are you there Vodka, It's me, Chelsea" which is thus far one of the funniest things I have ever read in my life. Look into it, its brilliant.
I've also been going to the gym extremely regularly and am actually starting to see some results. I've never cared much about being in shape, but it does make me feel a little better about myself and will certainly help when the zombie apocalypse comes.
Finally, let me end with a funny anecdote. Susan's nephew (my step-cousin, I guess), who I have talked to maybe 5 times in my life, called me this weekend and said he was in Austin and wanted to see if I wanted to "chill or party or something." Let me put this into context for you by telling you that I dont have the heart to inform Susan that I lived in college park for two years and her nephew still manages to top the list of sketchiest people I have ever met. He is that sketchy. In the brief four minute conversation with a very distantly related person who he has seldom talked to, he managed to ask me if I knew any place he could buy weed. I do not, obviously. Needless to say, I will not be partying with him while he is here. I had no idea my fathers marriage was going to make my life so weird and often awkward, though I suppose i am nothing if not awkward.
Just so you guys know, I do have my down moments, but I am in a really good place right now. Important things in my life are working out fairly well. I like where I am. I miss you guys, but I am doing ok.
Stop worrying where you're going, move on.
If you can know where you're going, youve gone.
I think the thing that bothers me most frequently is the fact that I don't have any friends here. I dont even really know too many people. Very often, I am surprised by how ok I am with it. For example, I am totally ok with the fact that I havent done anything on a weekend but practice since I got here. I'm actually starting to get to the point where I look forward to coming home and sitting at my computer for the night, which frightens me a little. It would be nice to have a friend or two to hang out with on the weekends. I'm sure I'll make friends eventually, and it isn't like I don't have friends, they just all live in a different time zone.
Next, the piano program here is phenomenal. There are so many awesome opportunities and I am learning so much. I didnt get to study with Nancy Garrett, like i had planned to because her studio was full. I may or may not transfer to her next semester, I cant really decide. My teacher now is really nice and definitely very knowledgeable. I'm practicing well here and I think my technique has improved in the three weeks I've been here. The thing that terrifies me though, is that my teacher now is very much about independent study, which is kinda like taking the training wheels off. Until now, my teacher would tell me what to do and how to get better. Now though, my teacher is more a guiding figure in my own study, which is both good and terrifying. Terrifying because if I'm not careful, i'll end up worse than when I got here. This semester, I'm tackling Beethoven concerto number 1, which should be very good for me. Technically, its not too much more difficult than I'm used to, but it is by far the longest piece I have ever played (over forty minutes when fully orchestrated.) So I've got until December to learn 40 minutes of music, plus a few other pieces. I'm terrified that its a little too ambitious a goal, but its definitely what I need to take my playing to the next level.
The other pianists here are extraordinarily intimidating, however. I found out that theres a sophomore here who is playing some of the Schumann Symphonic Etudes. I dont know if this means much to you guys, but they are exceedingly difficult and by faaaaaar beyond me. I go back and forth very often of this subject. Sometimes, I wonder if I am wasting my time because I started so late. My technique is quite a bit underdeveloped and my repertoire is probably the smallest of any musician currently enrolled at UT. Then sometimes I wonder how much its going to matter 20 years from now that these people played when they were 10. I sometimes feel like as long as I work my ass of at school, I can certainly put myself on par with these people.
Also, I have a terrible track record of liking my roommates when I live with them. Let me preface this paragraph by stating that Pierre is often a cool guy, that is just not nearly as interesting to write/read about. My new roommate pierre is at once hilariously deluded and annoyingly pretentious. He is really pretentious about the things that he does. The only issue with this is that hes not that smart. He once told me that the human race was a virus on the planet because we use up all the earth's resources and that because there were so many of us, we were no longer part of the natural order of the world. The question I asked him in response to this was "So wait, did aliens come by and drop us off on their way to the supermarket, because thats the only way I see that we could exist outside earth's natural order?" Also, if there were six billion beavers on earth, our rainforests would probably be in pretty bad shape too. dummy. Just to be clear, I wouldn't take nearly so much pleasure in deflating his absurdity if he wasnt such a pretentious cunt about his ideas. Also, he is kind of a big tool about girls. Apparently he doesn't know that I'm gay because he keeps asking me about hot girls. I dont understand how this is possible, because we are facebook friends. also, there was a very awkward moment at our floor meeting, which I will speak about in a second. The message I get from this is that he assumes that I am straight to the point that he didn't even bother to glance at it on facebook. I understand that he might not look at it immediately, the way I might, since sexuality is not nearly as large a point of contention in his life as it is in mine. Still though, not even a glance? Also, funny roommate story: He got a call from a wrong number from this girl named Alisona (a girl he doesnt know in any way), who he thought sounded hot, so he hit on her over the phone when she called and he saved her number. That is the creepiest/most ridiculous thing I have seen another person do, maybe ever.
Next on the list of things I wanted to talk about. I suppose I'll start this section by saying that there is a very very attractive guy in my theory class, who I think is gay, but I'm not sure. The frustrating thing is, I cant find him on facebook to confirm it one way or the other. And you would be border-line disgusted at how good I am at finding people on facebook with minimal information. Heres the thing. I spent so much of the latter parts of high school and the early parts of college complaining about the boyfriend thing and feeling (rather pathetically) sorry for myself. The truth of the matter is, relationships often make you lose sight of other things. I have worked very hard to get to where I am in my life and need to continue to work to get where I want to go. A boyfriend might (and probably would have) distracted me from it. If it were ever in my life to come down to a choice between a relationship and a career as a pianist, I would choose piano every single time. Is there room in my life to practice 6 hours a day, have friends, and have any sort of relationship? probably not at this juncture in my life. In the order of priorities, a relationship comes in last and is dropped from the list. Not because I dont want one, just because there isnt room in my life for one. Now, the thing is, when a relationship comes along, I'm aware that my priorities will probably shift. I dont think I can afford for them to shift. So, in retrospect, I think its probably a good thing that I have been fairly inactive relationship-wise.
Also, I have made quite a few interesting literary acquisitions in the past few weeks. I've been reading a lot since I came to austin and I live across from an awesome bookstore. I just read the Zombie Survival Guide, which was tremendous. I am totally ready when the zombie apocalypse comes. I just started Chelsea Handlers book "Are you there Vodka, It's me, Chelsea" which is thus far one of the funniest things I have ever read in my life. Look into it, its brilliant.
I've also been going to the gym extremely regularly and am actually starting to see some results. I've never cared much about being in shape, but it does make me feel a little better about myself and will certainly help when the zombie apocalypse comes.
Finally, let me end with a funny anecdote. Susan's nephew (my step-cousin, I guess), who I have talked to maybe 5 times in my life, called me this weekend and said he was in Austin and wanted to see if I wanted to "chill or party or something." Let me put this into context for you by telling you that I dont have the heart to inform Susan that I lived in college park for two years and her nephew still manages to top the list of sketchiest people I have ever met. He is that sketchy. In the brief four minute conversation with a very distantly related person who he has seldom talked to, he managed to ask me if I knew any place he could buy weed. I do not, obviously. Needless to say, I will not be partying with him while he is here. I had no idea my fathers marriage was going to make my life so weird and often awkward, though I suppose i am nothing if not awkward.
Just so you guys know, I do have my down moments, but I am in a really good place right now. Important things in my life are working out fairly well. I like where I am. I miss you guys, but I am doing ok.
Stop worrying where you're going, move on.
If you can know where you're going, youve gone.