Update - W&13 - Chapter 7 - Morose
Title: Washington & Thirteenth Street By Miztrezboo
Chapter: 7. Morose
Genre: Twilight - Hurt/Comfort / Romance
Characters: Jasper/Rosalie
Details: AH, OOC
Rating: MA/NC17
Warnings: Strong Language, Character Death,
Status: Work In Progress
Beta'd By: Ilsuocantante
Contest Entry For: Twilght 25
Summary: "For the Winter Twilight25 2010 - Life can change in an instant,
leaving you numb and barely moving forward - if at all. How can two perfect
strangers with nothing obvious in common help each other find a way out of the
dark and into the light?"
Disclaimer: All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.
Warning! This does deal with death and grief.. if this is a trigger for you or something you are uncomfortable reading, then maybe this little fic is not for you.
Thanks and snugs to Kwala aka Most Awesomeuberiffic Betafish o' mine Ilsuocantante and especially my Twi25 partner in crimeLightStarDusting...
The Twilight Twenty-Five
Prompt: Morose
Pen name: Miztrezboo
Pairing: Jasper/Rosalie
Rating: M
7. Morose
Washington and 13th Street
Chapter Seven - Morose "gloomily or sullenly ill-humored, as a person or mood."
It had been a month and five days since I'd last seen Rose.
I hated how it made me feel.
I hated that I felt guilty for making an empty promise to see her again.
I hated that I avoided her phone calls and texts.
I hated that I could still remember her smile. Her smell. Her stupid ugly tea pot.
I hated that I hated all of those things.
I hated that I actually felt again.
I longed for the blissful numbness my life had been up until that stupid semi mud wrestling match we'd had.
I wished for the ability to block everyone and everything out like I had before.
Before Rose.
Yet it seemed now it had been turned on, the slow and steady drip my life had once been was overflowing like a waterfall after a heavy rain.
I felt peoples' well wishes in the morning as I arrived at the office.
I felt the kind touches on my arm that Esme, my boss, still gave me whenever she came to discuss business during the day.
I felt … emotions that I had hoped, had thought, were long since filed away as no longer needed. Happiness, sadness, guilt, worry, care, wonder, intrigue, lust. Fuck, lust. Lust was just about killing me, especially when I had realized what it was. That daydreaming about the feel of her hair in my fingertips, or what face she would make during climax weren't what a normal person in grieving might find acceptable. They were actually pretty depraved.
I didn't want to feel the highs and lows. I didn't want to feel at all. I tried once more, locking myself away in work and turning my phone off; hiding from those that cared. Those that would bring out more than what I wanted to give.
And it worked, for a little while.
For four weeks and five days it was an imperfect balance of ups and downs and somewhat blissful ignorance. Right up until I had a visit from a certain someone that I could never ignore. Before I knew it I was sitting down at a full table, eating dinner and being gently prodded into polite conversation. I participated as little as possible, content to give snappy returns and maintain my sullen disposition with those around me. I had hoped to raise less questions on where exactly my own head was at by offering non-commital grunts and the air of a caveman. Which, when you had dinner with the McCarty clan, was actually pretty easy. They were a very spirited bunch, to say the least.
"Hey, Jasper."
I sighed continuing to draw circles on the table with my finger in the condensation gathering from my rapidly warming beer.
"Earth to Jay, is anyone home?"
Emmett's fist bumped my shoulder and roused me from my monotonous staring competition with inanimate objects.
I raised my head and noticed that somehow, in my desire to block out the world around me, I'd missed the entire family going inside. It was just Emmett, me and a few of Vicky's battery run candles amongst the plate of leftovers from tonight's barbeque.
"What was that for?"
"I don't know, just thought I'd see if you were actually in there? What's up with you tonight - actually strike that - what's up with you the past few weeks? Every time I call I get your voice mail, you constantly have your assistant tell me you're in a meeting and I practically had to beg to get you over for dinner."
"You beg? Sending Charlie into my office all big blue eyes and cute little lisp isn't what I'd call you begging, Em. More like a guilt trip."
Em chuckled before picking up another rib then sucked the meat from the bone like it was his last meal. He smacked his lips together noisily, sauce dribbling down his chin.
"Hey, it wasn't my idea, Charlie and Felix have been harping about how you missed the last two Wednesday night dinners. Even Jane asked and she isn't your greatest fan."
I sat up a little in my seat with that. Jane had always been Alice's girl and I had a feeling that she blamed me for her death. We were never that close before, and she'd barely spoken a word to me since. For Jane to be wondering about my whereabouts meant a lot and added to the guilt I'd already felt when all three children attacked my legs and ears with squeals of Uncle Jasper.
"I know, big deal right?" Em nodded as I rubbed my hands over my face. "I'll tell you one thing, Jasper. I can't help but want my kids to be happy, and if that means resorting to coaching my little girl in the ways of the wicked pout and big eyes combo that has gotten her father some serious fu-"
"Language, Emmett!" Vicky's voice called out from somewhere inside. She'd must have been putting the kids to bed if the lack of noise and darkened sky were anything to go by.
"I'll never understand how she does that." I laughed, shaking my head.
"Me neither." He dropped his voice to just above a whisper and leaned over to my side of the table, "The kids say she has eyes in the back of her head, I say she has the ears of a bat."
"That thing we were going to do later, the one you've been looking forward to once the kids went to bed? We're not now, just so you know."
Vicky appeared in the doorway, arms crossed and a smile on her face, her red hair looking almost flame-like bathed in the warm light of the kitchen.
Em's face dropped into a familiar puppy dog look that I recalled seeing earlier in the day but on a shorter body with a much prettier face. "But, baaaaaabe!" he whined, as she sauntered over and sat on his lap. When Vicky started squeezing his cheeks and he the ones located on her - but a lot lower - I took that as my cue to clear the last of the plates off. I'd just made it inside the door when Vicky called out to me that Charlie had been asking for her favorite Uncle to read a bed time story.
Of course, another thing I'd missed out on during my 'woe is me, why can't I figure out if it's alright to actually feel anything that I'd felt with Rosie and if it is okay, then why do I feel like I'm cheating on Alice?' pity party of one. I knew what I'd been doing, just running on neutral even more than I had been since before that fateful visit to Made For You and the fact that I'd been avoiding Rosie's calls and letting them go straight to voicemail wasn't the best idea either. Avoidance was my middle name and I hadn't even realized it was affecting anyone but me. Not until all four feet and five inches wandered into my office with a handmade invitation to dinner. Even that, amongst the guilt of missing out on my regular family time with the McCarty clan, was interwoven with something that reminded me of Rose.
I just didn't want to feel anymore.
The sound of Em and Vicky getting a little too busy for my ears was just a little too much to bear. I tried to block them out as I finished scraping off the dishes and piled them in the sink before heading down to Charlie's room. The pale pinkish glow from the fairy lights Em and I had setup for her birthday the previous year guiding my way down the hallway to my little princess' room. As I pushed the door further open, I was met by a gap toothed smile and my heart melted all the more.
"I have the book ready, Uncle Jathper. I got it marked from last time. I wouldn't even let Daddy read it even when he whined like a baby." She nodded her head solemnly, looking so much wiser than her seven years.
Charlotte Mary-Alice McCarty was a perfect blend of both Em and Vicky. Em's big baby blue eyes and dimples with Vicky's fiery red curls and temperament. She was the most inquisitive and curious seven year old I knew, and had been since she was born. I could still remember the first night Alice and I babysat for our precious godchild, both of us freaking out over having something so small in our care - even if it was for just a few hours.
Of course, with Emmett and Victoria a few hours turned into a few more as they got comfortable in the hotel suite he'd booked for the afternoon, which then became the whole night. Apparently, they'd both been hoping for some much needed nookie, but a colicky baby meant they spent the whole afternoon and until early the next morning sleeping. We however, had a completely sleepless night just watching Charlie and holding our breath with every jerk or slight gurgle she made. Both of us deciding we were far too young and inexperienced to try our hand at being parents at the time. But the moment she was gone and Em and Vicky had driven away, we had turned to each other and made promises that we would try the following year.
But by the time we did get around to discussing it, we were both so busy with our careers and getting our home into order that it still didn't feel like the right time. I know we'd both been thinking about it, the baby booties I'd found in Alice's hand bag were a definite sign that she'd done a little more than just thinking. A searing pain burned in my chest, loss and hurt and anger soured my stomach and it was all I could do to swallow it all down, and concentrate on the hopeful face before me, patting my side of the bed to sit down.
I took the book out of her hands and sat down in my spot, and pulled her to my side. I was just opening the page where we'd left off when I heard her soft little sigh beside me. I leaned down and pressed my lips to the top of her head, all sweet flowers and candy smells.
"What's that sigh for, Sugarplum?" I smiled, remembering when I had given her that nickname after taking her to The Nutcracker Suite two Christmases ago in Dallas. Alice had season tickets and I had never cancelled them, letting the charge continue on our credit card. Then, Charlie had seen the concert advertised and begged me to take her, she'd been so relentless that it had reminded me instantly of Alice. To make her happy, like all the times I had done it to make Alice happy, I had dressed up, and with my darling girl in her Sunday Best we had gone, and gone again every year since.
It had been the one highlight I had at that time of year.
"I miss you, Uncle Jay."
"How can you miss me, Charlie? I'm right here."
She shook her head from side to side, twisting in my arms so I could see now that her eyes were filled with tears.
"Hey, hey now. What's all this about? I'm here, I'm ready to see exactly what Harry's been doing in the Chamber of Secrets. I'm not going anywhere till you fall asleep, Sugarplum."
"You're here but you're not here."
"What do you mean, sweetheart? I don't think I understand." I brushed the hair out of her eyes and a few stray tears that had fell down her cheek.
She sighed again, and the sound instantly reminded me of her mother doing the same thing to me earlier when she'd asked me how I was and my grunted reply was deemed not enough. I figured a non committal sound really wouldn't be sufficient for someone who once held a two hour "why" conversation with me on a road trip to visit Jake out on the coast. A conversation that had only picked up once more as we turned out of his drive on the way home.
"You missed all our dinners and you we never thee you anymore. You didn't even write me back and Daddy let me use his computer to write to you last week. I miss fun Uncle Jay."
"Awe sweetness, I was very busy with work and I'm sorry I missed your letter. I'll check for it first thing in the morning. And what's all this about fun? I'm still fun, aren't I!" I tickled her sides and was rewarded by her infectious laughter.
Once she'd sufficiently agreed that I was fun and begged me to stop or she'd pee - a real possibility, as I'd learned from previous tickle treatments - we sat back up. With Charlie tucked safe in my arms once more, I picked up the book from where it fell on the floor. Opening the page to where the bookmark was, I was only to be stopped once more by a smaller sigh, but a sigh none the less.
"Yes, Charlie? You have something else you want to add?"
"Are you happy, Uncle Jay?"
Woah, this was taking a fairly serious turn, not something I thought I'd be discussing with a seven year old. I was thinking it was probably going to come up outside with her parents, but not with her.
"Yes, Charlie. Of course I am. I'm here with you and we had a beautiful dinner that your dad nearly burned to a crisp. Of course I'm happy, Sugarplum."
"No, you're not. I saw photos of you and Aunty Alice at your wedding. You had smiles all the time."
I frowned, feeling like sighing myself. "I smile, sweetness. Look, look at my face right now." I pulled my cheesiest grin. She just continued her little frown in my direction. "No, not like that. You don't smile with your eyes anymore."
"I don't understand. How can you smile with your eyes, Charlie?"
She turned around slipping an arm under her pillow and pulling out what looked to be a seriously creased piece of paper. It was only as she placed it in my hand, turning it from the white side to the color, that I realized what it was.
"Where did you get this?" I fought to maintain some type of feeling in my tone. I didn't want to scare her, but what I was holding in my now trembling hand was enough to bring back ill humored part of me that I'd been most of the night and weeks past.
"Mommy said I could have it, I wanted to remember what Aunt Alice looked like, and Momma said she thought she was the most prettiest girl on the planet and that you would say she was the prettiest girl in the uniberse."
I swallowed back the rapidly forming lump in my throat and stroked my finger over the outline of Alice's face. She looked radiant. We both had stupid smiles on our faces. We had been so happy.
A flash of Rosalie's smile flickered over Alice's and that warm feeling that I had whenever I thought of her turned into a pile of guilty stones in my stomach. I cleared my throat. I could see Charlie looking up at me, hesitance and worry, I suppose, at what my reaction would be, and I hated that she had to look at me that way. It should be fine for us to talk about the aunt that she loved. It should be fine for me to tell her of all the fun things the three of us had done together, four even when Jane had come along. To tell her how much Alice would have fallen in love with Felix and would have probably prevented her Daddy from getting to name him that on the hospital papers while her Mommy was still out cold from exhaustion. To tell her how much her Aunt Alice loved her, still loved her wherever she now was.
But I couldn't.
I couldn't because I was a selfish asshole who lived in a cloud of despair and sorrow and couldn't even pull himself out for a moment to ease the thoughts of a worried seven year old that he loved like a daughter. I couldn't because I was still so confused as to how I could begin to feel things for a woman I'd only just met, the very same feelings that I had for the woman that was her aunt. The woman that I had thought was my one and only. With whom I had thought I would have had cousins for Charlie and her brother and sister to play with by now.
I hated myself for not being able to give Charlie any comforting words. I hated myself as I kissed her forehead and tucked her picture back under her pillow. I hated myself as I stroked her hair and read the end of the chapter we were up to. I hated myself as I quickly made my goodbyes to Emmett and Vicky before rushing out the door once Charlie was asleep.
I hated myself as I drove past a sign for a little Specialty Tea store and it reminded me of Rosalie. I hated myself as I pulled up at my house, the home I had shared with my wife, and I hated myself all the more that I wasn't thinking of her as I fell into bed that night.
Only blond hair and red lips and summer and sweetness filled my mind.
I hated that I wanted to call her, wanted to see her.
I hated that I knew I would call her in the morning.
And I hated that I knew I wouldn't say a word.
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alone apathy awe bitter bound collide comfort dark fragments earnest honest languid lithe morose obsession patience prelude rapacious red restraint slip taut vibrant willing worry
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A/n Oh Jasper, your such a fool for fighting it.. Thank you ALL for taking a chance on a lil Jasper Rosalie romance.. or at least we all hope it'll go that way ;o) Your reviews make me GRIN like well.. a grinning fool ;o)
Boo
Chapter: 7. Morose
Genre: Twilight - Hurt/Comfort / Romance
Characters: Jasper/Rosalie
Details: AH, OOC
Rating: MA/NC17
Warnings: Strong Language, Character Death,
Status: Work In Progress
Beta'd By: Ilsuocantante
Contest Entry For: Twilght 25
Summary: "For the Winter Twilight25 2010 - Life can change in an instant,
leaving you numb and barely moving forward - if at all. How can two perfect
strangers with nothing obvious in common help each other find a way out of the
dark and into the light?"
Disclaimer: All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.
Warning! This does deal with death and grief.. if this is a trigger for you or something you are uncomfortable reading, then maybe this little fic is not for you.
Thanks and snugs to Kwala aka Most Awesomeuberiffic Betafish o' mine Ilsuocantante and especially my Twi25 partner in crimeLightStarDusting...
The Twilight Twenty-Five
Prompt: Morose
Pen name: Miztrezboo
Pairing: Jasper/Rosalie
Rating: M
7. Morose
Washington and 13th Street
Chapter Seven - Morose "gloomily or sullenly ill-humored, as a person or mood."
It had been a month and five days since I'd last seen Rose.
I hated how it made me feel.
I hated that I felt guilty for making an empty promise to see her again.
I hated that I avoided her phone calls and texts.
I hated that I could still remember her smile. Her smell. Her stupid ugly tea pot.
I hated that I hated all of those things.
I hated that I actually felt again.
I longed for the blissful numbness my life had been up until that stupid semi mud wrestling match we'd had.
I wished for the ability to block everyone and everything out like I had before.
Before Rose.
Yet it seemed now it had been turned on, the slow and steady drip my life had once been was overflowing like a waterfall after a heavy rain.
I felt peoples' well wishes in the morning as I arrived at the office.
I felt the kind touches on my arm that Esme, my boss, still gave me whenever she came to discuss business during the day.
I felt … emotions that I had hoped, had thought, were long since filed away as no longer needed. Happiness, sadness, guilt, worry, care, wonder, intrigue, lust. Fuck, lust. Lust was just about killing me, especially when I had realized what it was. That daydreaming about the feel of her hair in my fingertips, or what face she would make during climax weren't what a normal person in grieving might find acceptable. They were actually pretty depraved.
I didn't want to feel the highs and lows. I didn't want to feel at all. I tried once more, locking myself away in work and turning my phone off; hiding from those that cared. Those that would bring out more than what I wanted to give.
And it worked, for a little while.
For four weeks and five days it was an imperfect balance of ups and downs and somewhat blissful ignorance. Right up until I had a visit from a certain someone that I could never ignore. Before I knew it I was sitting down at a full table, eating dinner and being gently prodded into polite conversation. I participated as little as possible, content to give snappy returns and maintain my sullen disposition with those around me. I had hoped to raise less questions on where exactly my own head was at by offering non-commital grunts and the air of a caveman. Which, when you had dinner with the McCarty clan, was actually pretty easy. They were a very spirited bunch, to say the least.
"Hey, Jasper."
I sighed continuing to draw circles on the table with my finger in the condensation gathering from my rapidly warming beer.
"Earth to Jay, is anyone home?"
Emmett's fist bumped my shoulder and roused me from my monotonous staring competition with inanimate objects.
I raised my head and noticed that somehow, in my desire to block out the world around me, I'd missed the entire family going inside. It was just Emmett, me and a few of Vicky's battery run candles amongst the plate of leftovers from tonight's barbeque.
"What was that for?"
"I don't know, just thought I'd see if you were actually in there? What's up with you tonight - actually strike that - what's up with you the past few weeks? Every time I call I get your voice mail, you constantly have your assistant tell me you're in a meeting and I practically had to beg to get you over for dinner."
"You beg? Sending Charlie into my office all big blue eyes and cute little lisp isn't what I'd call you begging, Em. More like a guilt trip."
Em chuckled before picking up another rib then sucked the meat from the bone like it was his last meal. He smacked his lips together noisily, sauce dribbling down his chin.
"Hey, it wasn't my idea, Charlie and Felix have been harping about how you missed the last two Wednesday night dinners. Even Jane asked and she isn't your greatest fan."
I sat up a little in my seat with that. Jane had always been Alice's girl and I had a feeling that she blamed me for her death. We were never that close before, and she'd barely spoken a word to me since. For Jane to be wondering about my whereabouts meant a lot and added to the guilt I'd already felt when all three children attacked my legs and ears with squeals of Uncle Jasper.
"I know, big deal right?" Em nodded as I rubbed my hands over my face. "I'll tell you one thing, Jasper. I can't help but want my kids to be happy, and if that means resorting to coaching my little girl in the ways of the wicked pout and big eyes combo that has gotten her father some serious fu-"
"Language, Emmett!" Vicky's voice called out from somewhere inside. She'd must have been putting the kids to bed if the lack of noise and darkened sky were anything to go by.
"I'll never understand how she does that." I laughed, shaking my head.
"Me neither." He dropped his voice to just above a whisper and leaned over to my side of the table, "The kids say she has eyes in the back of her head, I say she has the ears of a bat."
"That thing we were going to do later, the one you've been looking forward to once the kids went to bed? We're not now, just so you know."
Vicky appeared in the doorway, arms crossed and a smile on her face, her red hair looking almost flame-like bathed in the warm light of the kitchen.
Em's face dropped into a familiar puppy dog look that I recalled seeing earlier in the day but on a shorter body with a much prettier face. "But, baaaaaabe!" he whined, as she sauntered over and sat on his lap. When Vicky started squeezing his cheeks and he the ones located on her - but a lot lower - I took that as my cue to clear the last of the plates off. I'd just made it inside the door when Vicky called out to me that Charlie had been asking for her favorite Uncle to read a bed time story.
Of course, another thing I'd missed out on during my 'woe is me, why can't I figure out if it's alright to actually feel anything that I'd felt with Rosie and if it is okay, then why do I feel like I'm cheating on Alice?' pity party of one. I knew what I'd been doing, just running on neutral even more than I had been since before that fateful visit to Made For You and the fact that I'd been avoiding Rosie's calls and letting them go straight to voicemail wasn't the best idea either. Avoidance was my middle name and I hadn't even realized it was affecting anyone but me. Not until all four feet and five inches wandered into my office with a handmade invitation to dinner. Even that, amongst the guilt of missing out on my regular family time with the McCarty clan, was interwoven with something that reminded me of Rose.
I just didn't want to feel anymore.
The sound of Em and Vicky getting a little too busy for my ears was just a little too much to bear. I tried to block them out as I finished scraping off the dishes and piled them in the sink before heading down to Charlie's room. The pale pinkish glow from the fairy lights Em and I had setup for her birthday the previous year guiding my way down the hallway to my little princess' room. As I pushed the door further open, I was met by a gap toothed smile and my heart melted all the more.
"I have the book ready, Uncle Jathper. I got it marked from last time. I wouldn't even let Daddy read it even when he whined like a baby." She nodded her head solemnly, looking so much wiser than her seven years.
Charlotte Mary-Alice McCarty was a perfect blend of both Em and Vicky. Em's big baby blue eyes and dimples with Vicky's fiery red curls and temperament. She was the most inquisitive and curious seven year old I knew, and had been since she was born. I could still remember the first night Alice and I babysat for our precious godchild, both of us freaking out over having something so small in our care - even if it was for just a few hours.
Of course, with Emmett and Victoria a few hours turned into a few more as they got comfortable in the hotel suite he'd booked for the afternoon, which then became the whole night. Apparently, they'd both been hoping for some much needed nookie, but a colicky baby meant they spent the whole afternoon and until early the next morning sleeping. We however, had a completely sleepless night just watching Charlie and holding our breath with every jerk or slight gurgle she made. Both of us deciding we were far too young and inexperienced to try our hand at being parents at the time. But the moment she was gone and Em and Vicky had driven away, we had turned to each other and made promises that we would try the following year.
But by the time we did get around to discussing it, we were both so busy with our careers and getting our home into order that it still didn't feel like the right time. I know we'd both been thinking about it, the baby booties I'd found in Alice's hand bag were a definite sign that she'd done a little more than just thinking. A searing pain burned in my chest, loss and hurt and anger soured my stomach and it was all I could do to swallow it all down, and concentrate on the hopeful face before me, patting my side of the bed to sit down.
I took the book out of her hands and sat down in my spot, and pulled her to my side. I was just opening the page where we'd left off when I heard her soft little sigh beside me. I leaned down and pressed my lips to the top of her head, all sweet flowers and candy smells.
"What's that sigh for, Sugarplum?" I smiled, remembering when I had given her that nickname after taking her to The Nutcracker Suite two Christmases ago in Dallas. Alice had season tickets and I had never cancelled them, letting the charge continue on our credit card. Then, Charlie had seen the concert advertised and begged me to take her, she'd been so relentless that it had reminded me instantly of Alice. To make her happy, like all the times I had done it to make Alice happy, I had dressed up, and with my darling girl in her Sunday Best we had gone, and gone again every year since.
It had been the one highlight I had at that time of year.
"I miss you, Uncle Jay."
"How can you miss me, Charlie? I'm right here."
She shook her head from side to side, twisting in my arms so I could see now that her eyes were filled with tears.
"Hey, hey now. What's all this about? I'm here, I'm ready to see exactly what Harry's been doing in the Chamber of Secrets. I'm not going anywhere till you fall asleep, Sugarplum."
"You're here but you're not here."
"What do you mean, sweetheart? I don't think I understand." I brushed the hair out of her eyes and a few stray tears that had fell down her cheek.
She sighed again, and the sound instantly reminded me of her mother doing the same thing to me earlier when she'd asked me how I was and my grunted reply was deemed not enough. I figured a non committal sound really wouldn't be sufficient for someone who once held a two hour "why" conversation with me on a road trip to visit Jake out on the coast. A conversation that had only picked up once more as we turned out of his drive on the way home.
"You missed all our dinners and you we never thee you anymore. You didn't even write me back and Daddy let me use his computer to write to you last week. I miss fun Uncle Jay."
"Awe sweetness, I was very busy with work and I'm sorry I missed your letter. I'll check for it first thing in the morning. And what's all this about fun? I'm still fun, aren't I!" I tickled her sides and was rewarded by her infectious laughter.
Once she'd sufficiently agreed that I was fun and begged me to stop or she'd pee - a real possibility, as I'd learned from previous tickle treatments - we sat back up. With Charlie tucked safe in my arms once more, I picked up the book from where it fell on the floor. Opening the page to where the bookmark was, I was only to be stopped once more by a smaller sigh, but a sigh none the less.
"Yes, Charlie? You have something else you want to add?"
"Are you happy, Uncle Jay?"
Woah, this was taking a fairly serious turn, not something I thought I'd be discussing with a seven year old. I was thinking it was probably going to come up outside with her parents, but not with her.
"Yes, Charlie. Of course I am. I'm here with you and we had a beautiful dinner that your dad nearly burned to a crisp. Of course I'm happy, Sugarplum."
"No, you're not. I saw photos of you and Aunty Alice at your wedding. You had smiles all the time."
I frowned, feeling like sighing myself. "I smile, sweetness. Look, look at my face right now." I pulled my cheesiest grin. She just continued her little frown in my direction. "No, not like that. You don't smile with your eyes anymore."
"I don't understand. How can you smile with your eyes, Charlie?"
She turned around slipping an arm under her pillow and pulling out what looked to be a seriously creased piece of paper. It was only as she placed it in my hand, turning it from the white side to the color, that I realized what it was.
"Where did you get this?" I fought to maintain some type of feeling in my tone. I didn't want to scare her, but what I was holding in my now trembling hand was enough to bring back ill humored part of me that I'd been most of the night and weeks past.
"Mommy said I could have it, I wanted to remember what Aunt Alice looked like, and Momma said she thought she was the most prettiest girl on the planet and that you would say she was the prettiest girl in the uniberse."
I swallowed back the rapidly forming lump in my throat and stroked my finger over the outline of Alice's face. She looked radiant. We both had stupid smiles on our faces. We had been so happy.
A flash of Rosalie's smile flickered over Alice's and that warm feeling that I had whenever I thought of her turned into a pile of guilty stones in my stomach. I cleared my throat. I could see Charlie looking up at me, hesitance and worry, I suppose, at what my reaction would be, and I hated that she had to look at me that way. It should be fine for us to talk about the aunt that she loved. It should be fine for me to tell her of all the fun things the three of us had done together, four even when Jane had come along. To tell her how much Alice would have fallen in love with Felix and would have probably prevented her Daddy from getting to name him that on the hospital papers while her Mommy was still out cold from exhaustion. To tell her how much her Aunt Alice loved her, still loved her wherever she now was.
But I couldn't.
I couldn't because I was a selfish asshole who lived in a cloud of despair and sorrow and couldn't even pull himself out for a moment to ease the thoughts of a worried seven year old that he loved like a daughter. I couldn't because I was still so confused as to how I could begin to feel things for a woman I'd only just met, the very same feelings that I had for the woman that was her aunt. The woman that I had thought was my one and only. With whom I had thought I would have had cousins for Charlie and her brother and sister to play with by now.
I hated myself for not being able to give Charlie any comforting words. I hated myself as I kissed her forehead and tucked her picture back under her pillow. I hated myself as I stroked her hair and read the end of the chapter we were up to. I hated myself as I quickly made my goodbyes to Emmett and Vicky before rushing out the door once Charlie was asleep.
I hated myself as I drove past a sign for a little Specialty Tea store and it reminded me of Rosalie. I hated myself as I pulled up at my house, the home I had shared with my wife, and I hated myself all the more that I wasn't thinking of her as I fell into bed that night.
Only blond hair and red lips and summer and sweetness filled my mind.
I hated that I wanted to call her, wanted to see her.
I hated that I knew I would call her in the morning.
And I hated that I knew I wouldn't say a word.
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alone apathy awe bitter bound collide comfort dark fragments earnest honest languid lithe morose obsession patience prelude rapacious red restraint slip taut vibrant willing worry
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A/n Oh Jasper, your such a fool for fighting it.. Thank you ALL for taking a chance on a lil Jasper Rosalie romance.. or at least we all hope it'll go that way ;o) Your reviews make me GRIN like well.. a grinning fool ;o)
Boo