(Untitled)

[badhairdays]

Sequence of events:

Ronnie called last night.

He picked me up at 9:30PM.

We went to the local pub.

We chatted for two hours.

On the way home he held my hand.

I didn't let go.

We sat in his car and talked for a bit outside of my apartment.

He leaned over and kissed me.

And I didn't stop him.

I feel dirty.

Comments

[charmo]

You're not at all pathetic -- serious long-distance relationships are (but shouldn't be) a test of will and morals, heh. I think we're just too young to be concerning ourselves with whether someone is "the One" or holding on to something already slipping away. Not to apply that to your situation, nor am I arguing this on pure physical needs -- but companionship! I think it's COMPLETELY fair and justified on your part that you went for it.

Of course, J should be told -- I really jumped the gun when I started liking someone early in spring. As soon as I began to have amorous feelings toward him, I broke up with Jesse. I didn't even wait to see if things would pan out (and they didn't) but just the thought of wanting to do something with this guy forced me to end things ..

Ugh and the guy I slept with! I didn't document it in LJ but that was serious drama for all of November. The day after, we went out with a friend of ours and ended up getting into the hugest argument .. it was awful. I've never felt more hurt or vulnerable than I did then. It's kind of funny just thinking about the things he said to me ("You were just a warm body!") but instead of countering with equally offensive and hurtful words, I've been biting my tongue and doing my best to be nice to him. I can't stand the thought of knowing a guy that i've shared an intimate moment with would speak or think ill of me, so I want things to be amicable.

We really rushed into things anyway (caved in to our desires after 3 weeks) so now we're actually getting to know one another and becoming friends. Which is how it should've been in the first place. Aside from that, I'm a woman on a mission. If things are going to end, they'll end on my terms.

[badhairdays]

Word.

What sucks about having to tell J is the TIMING. Christmas is in two weeks. The second that Ronnie kissed me, I knew I was in the shithole. During the first few minutes, the only thing that was running through my head was how I was going to tell J.

I'm already the bad guy here for making out with another guy behind my boyfriend's back. To break the news to him AND break up with him just a few weeks shy of Christmas would make me the devil.

J is an English teacher like myself in Prague. He doesn't have a phone in his apartment, and the only way I can communicate with him is through Skype (an internet phone service) while he's at school. He never has any privacy or even an ample amount of free time to talk during school hours making my task a little harder.

Uggghhhhh and I haven't even mailed his Christmas present yet.

Oh yeah. And breaking up with him will just make his year even shittier. Two words: Hurricane Katrina. He's from New Orleans.

I'm not trying to beat myself up for what I did. I could've avoided this mess if I hadn't fiddle-daddled with my feelings towards John and ended it sooner. But the damage has been done. The damage has been done.

Should I tell him now? Charmaine, I suck at relationships.