The Weirdness
While PAX East was a rollicking good time there was a bit of weirdness. I waited in line with my friends around four hours for the doors to open on Friday so we could grab seats for Wil Wheaton's keynote speech. I've found that conventions of this sort have a lot of waiting around in ques. We made good use of the time playing with Magic starter decks, and also a game called Gullotine. I also got to know Adam better which was great as I find him quite nifty. When the doors opened the first person I saw was my ex girlfriend. Not just any ex, but The Ex that I do not get along with. It's always awkward. She was my first love, and my first experience that just because I love someone doesn't mean they have to love me back or treat me accordingly.
I was surprised to see her because I knew that she had relocated to the West Coast a few years ago which was cool with me because it meant I would never have to see her again. We shared friends in college, but she seemed to have moved on to other friends and venues. These friends are my gamer group so I'm holding on fast because these are some of the best and most fun people I've ever had the priviledge of knowing. I seriously would go to the ends of the earth for these people. Hell, I'd even race for the galaxy with them.
It goes to note that there have been three women in my life that can physically affect me. The first being The Girl. Sometimes she surprises me at work, and I don't notice the phone ringing because the world falls away. All that's left is the two of us, and the butterflies in my stomach. The second is Morena Baccharin. I met her at Dragoncon a few years ago when she was promoting the Serenity movie. She was so charming and physically alluring that I was struck dumb. The third of course is The Ex. Whenever I see her I feel physically ill, then I feel annoyed that she still has any effect on my emotions.
So when I saw her with her geek frame glasses and hipster haircut, I quickly averted my eyes. Then I cursed out loud. Casey said some nicely horrible things about The Ex. I can always count on her to say the most random thing, and to have my back. She's a fierce creature. I tried to put it behind me, but I was shaken. I didn't get why she was there since she's never been a fan of video games. I wasn't surprised that she was an Enforcer at the con. That would be to her liking. I realize that people can change, but when you know the core of someone it's hard not to ride on your assumptions. One of my friends saw her later on, and didn't add who was at the con with them. It just seemed so random. I was relieved that I managed to avoid her because I didn't want to deal her. We always start out getting along, but after an hour things get edgy. We're both sarcastic, and we both know how to push each others buttons.
On the last day, my avoidance technique failed as I ran into her in the Classic Console Room. I was jamming on some Colecovision with bonelesspuppy when I saw her enter the room with her husband. I decided to just keep doing what I was doing, and if she saw us she saw us. Also, I'd felt slightly guilty for not telling bonelesspuppy that she was there as they are friends. She was surprised to see us at PAX East which didn't really make sense to me because we live on the East Coast. Then she introduced us to her husband. The whole time I was trying not to say, "Hi, I used to fuck your wife." I succeeded in that venture. It was awkward.
The awkwardness stems from The Closet. Obviously, I'm an out gay lady. When we were together the whole relationship was in The Closet. I'm not really an in The Closet kind of girl. I live my life out loud. I don't like secrets. I don't lie about who I am. These are things I learned about myself while in that relationship. Being part of a relationship that's in The Closet is nerve wracking. When it busted, it was even more infuriating because I couldn't tell my friends what was wrong. Years later I did, and some had figured it out while others were "oh that makes sense now." I forgave The Ex for breaking my heart a long time ago. However, I do not enjoy being the dirty little secret in the back of her sock drawer. I also still can't believe I let someone like her into my heart so there's some emo self blame there too. Ultimately, it became the litmus tests for relationships in a negative sense. Most people look for what they want in a relationship while that whole drama gave me a list what I did not want in a relationship. I guess that was my way of turning the negative into the positive.
It's been years, and yet when I see her it is what is not said that stands out.
I was surprised to see her because I knew that she had relocated to the West Coast a few years ago which was cool with me because it meant I would never have to see her again. We shared friends in college, but she seemed to have moved on to other friends and venues. These friends are my gamer group so I'm holding on fast because these are some of the best and most fun people I've ever had the priviledge of knowing. I seriously would go to the ends of the earth for these people. Hell, I'd even race for the galaxy with them.
It goes to note that there have been three women in my life that can physically affect me. The first being The Girl. Sometimes she surprises me at work, and I don't notice the phone ringing because the world falls away. All that's left is the two of us, and the butterflies in my stomach. The second is Morena Baccharin. I met her at Dragoncon a few years ago when she was promoting the Serenity movie. She was so charming and physically alluring that I was struck dumb. The third of course is The Ex. Whenever I see her I feel physically ill, then I feel annoyed that she still has any effect on my emotions.
So when I saw her with her geek frame glasses and hipster haircut, I quickly averted my eyes. Then I cursed out loud. Casey said some nicely horrible things about The Ex. I can always count on her to say the most random thing, and to have my back. She's a fierce creature. I tried to put it behind me, but I was shaken. I didn't get why she was there since she's never been a fan of video games. I wasn't surprised that she was an Enforcer at the con. That would be to her liking. I realize that people can change, but when you know the core of someone it's hard not to ride on your assumptions. One of my friends saw her later on, and didn't add who was at the con with them. It just seemed so random. I was relieved that I managed to avoid her because I didn't want to deal her. We always start out getting along, but after an hour things get edgy. We're both sarcastic, and we both know how to push each others buttons.
On the last day, my avoidance technique failed as I ran into her in the Classic Console Room. I was jamming on some Colecovision with bonelesspuppy when I saw her enter the room with her husband. I decided to just keep doing what I was doing, and if she saw us she saw us. Also, I'd felt slightly guilty for not telling bonelesspuppy that she was there as they are friends. She was surprised to see us at PAX East which didn't really make sense to me because we live on the East Coast. Then she introduced us to her husband. The whole time I was trying not to say, "Hi, I used to fuck your wife." I succeeded in that venture. It was awkward.
The awkwardness stems from The Closet. Obviously, I'm an out gay lady. When we were together the whole relationship was in The Closet. I'm not really an in The Closet kind of girl. I live my life out loud. I don't like secrets. I don't lie about who I am. These are things I learned about myself while in that relationship. Being part of a relationship that's in The Closet is nerve wracking. When it busted, it was even more infuriating because I couldn't tell my friends what was wrong. Years later I did, and some had figured it out while others were "oh that makes sense now." I forgave The Ex for breaking my heart a long time ago. However, I do not enjoy being the dirty little secret in the back of her sock drawer. I also still can't believe I let someone like her into my heart so there's some emo self blame there too. Ultimately, it became the litmus tests for relationships in a negative sense. Most people look for what they want in a relationship while that whole drama gave me a list what I did not want in a relationship. I guess that was my way of turning the negative into the positive.
It's been years, and yet when I see her it is what is not said that stands out.