Got your will to live? Wanna lose it?
Last week I sporked some epic "Buffy" summaries that I found by searching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" + "pregnant." Fortunately for me, one of the summaries led to a story so awful that I knew I had to share it with you.
So, the summary that I sporked was "The girls find out their pregnant" or something on that caliber of awfulness. Then I made the mistake of opening it and realizing it had 28 chapters. Then I made the mistake of reading it.
Sporking, as always, in bold.
(And BTW, it's a crossover with "Angel.")
The only weird thing is that almost all of them has either never even had sex or hasn’t had sex in a really long time so they can’t be pregnant…right?
This sentence confused me so much I had to go get a drink of milk and eat some Jelly Bellys. And this was the summary.
He [Wesley] didn’t want to come right out and say what he was thinking but he didn’t know how else to put it.
Smoke signals? Morse code? Semaphore?
"To be pregnant you have to actually have a sex life and I pretty much gave that up when I took this job."
Cordelia obviously became a nun.
Tara had pretty much known that she was gay at a fairly young age so she had never been with a man
This explains a lot. Not about Tara, but about the author.
"Willow and Tara are gay, as in they don’t sleep with men"
Gee, Buffy, I had no idea what the definition of "gay" was. Thanks a bundle.
Again Buffy found that she was at a lose for words.
Oh, me too, Buffy.
“This is Cordelia, I gave you Fred and my work number.”
Cordelia is extremely generous.
... Gunn asked Angel as he saw the wheels turning in his head.
Angel is so transparent.
“You can’t go fighting all the big nasties while you’re pregnant. If you get hit in the wrong spot it could hurt the baby.”
I'm learning so much from this fic! Thanks, Spike!
“Giles has mostly the same books that we posses.”
Giles has so many books that they go out as a posse - seeking vengeance.
When Angel went to the prison to give Faith the pregnancy test he ended up breaking her out of jail instead.
Talk about misdirected actions.
“Cordelia,” Willow yelled suddenly
“FAITH!?” Willow yelled
I'm going to yell out people's names now just for fun.
the lobby was pretty awe worthy.
I don't think those two words are supposed to go together.
"Yawl can call me Fred"
That's fine for Yawl, but what should everyone else call her?
Lorne said with a soothing ton.
of bricks.
plus his reading abilities
In the words of Dorothy from "Golden Girls": "He was a stud... and he could read."
... the girls on the west wing close to the stairs since he knew that it would make things just a little easier when their bellies started to grow.
Does this logic make sense to you? No, me neither.
... but they mainly only used the truck for work purposes.
*wink*
the others threw the window of the hotel
Where did they throw it?
“If I was having a girl I’d probably go for something more exotic like…Charisma maybe,” Cordy added. “Now that’s a good strong name.”
Oh, badfic author, you're so cute. Making the characters choose the actors' names for their babies. Gag me.
“She had some amazing wind pips on her."
I wish I guy would say that about me.
“Well at least I’m not suggesting something stupid like…Joss or something.”
Repeat after me, badfic author: Joss. Is. Boss.
He was acting kind of strange like there was something he needed to say but he couldn’t get it out.
Bathroom's down the hall, on the right.
grabbed some antiseptic and gauss
You can spell antiseptic but not gauze? Or are you really into physics?
“You’re not like other slayers. You’re different, special. Plus you have something that pretty much no other slayer ever had.”
“Oh yeah and what’s that?”
A pony! No? Damn.
“Pop-tarts?” Tara asked looking confused.
This one's a gift for you, readers.
"He’s homeless people, what do you expect?"
Soylent Green is people. Oh, wait...
"Tara and I went out and bought one [a tranquilizer gun]." - Willow
Just for kicks, obviously.
Willow had purposed to Tara.
It was a purposeless gesture.
“What’s with all the creepy stairs?”
The stairs are staring at you? They're giving you creepy stares?
The only one who wasn’t smiling was Spike.
Damn it, Spike!
“Oh bolics,” Spike said as he jumped out of his seat at the sight of Willow’s water breaking.
No wonder he's not smiling.
“I’m going to have to take the baby ... make sure everything is running properly.”
Babies = plumbing. Apparently.
... Buffy said as her face began to turn very pail.
Get that girl a bucket!
Dr. Carter approached her with all of her doctor gear on.
Was she wearing a doctor hat?
There are ten more chapters, but I've just lost my desire to live...
So, the summary that I sporked was "The girls find out their pregnant" or something on that caliber of awfulness. Then I made the mistake of opening it and realizing it had 28 chapters. Then I made the mistake of reading it.
Sporking, as always, in bold.
(And BTW, it's a crossover with "Angel.")
The only weird thing is that almost all of them has either never even had sex or hasn’t had sex in a really long time so they can’t be pregnant…right?
This sentence confused me so much I had to go get a drink of milk and eat some Jelly Bellys. And this was the summary.
He [Wesley] didn’t want to come right out and say what he was thinking but he didn’t know how else to put it.
Smoke signals? Morse code? Semaphore?
"To be pregnant you have to actually have a sex life and I pretty much gave that up when I took this job."
Cordelia obviously became a nun.
Tara had pretty much known that she was gay at a fairly young age so she had never been with a man
This explains a lot. Not about Tara, but about the author.
"Willow and Tara are gay, as in they don’t sleep with men"
Gee, Buffy, I had no idea what the definition of "gay" was. Thanks a bundle.
Again Buffy found that she was at a lose for words.
Oh, me too, Buffy.
“This is Cordelia, I gave you Fred and my work number.”
Cordelia is extremely generous.
... Gunn asked Angel as he saw the wheels turning in his head.
Angel is so transparent.
“You can’t go fighting all the big nasties while you’re pregnant. If you get hit in the wrong spot it could hurt the baby.”
I'm learning so much from this fic! Thanks, Spike!
“Giles has mostly the same books that we posses.”
Giles has so many books that they go out as a posse - seeking vengeance.
When Angel went to the prison to give Faith the pregnancy test he ended up breaking her out of jail instead.
Talk about misdirected actions.
“Cordelia,” Willow yelled suddenly
“FAITH!?” Willow yelled
I'm going to yell out people's names now just for fun.
the lobby was pretty awe worthy.
I don't think those two words are supposed to go together.
"Yawl can call me Fred"
That's fine for Yawl, but what should everyone else call her?
Lorne said with a soothing ton.
of bricks.
plus his reading abilities
In the words of Dorothy from "Golden Girls": "He was a stud... and he could read."
... the girls on the west wing close to the stairs since he knew that it would make things just a little easier when their bellies started to grow.
Does this logic make sense to you? No, me neither.
... but they mainly only used the truck for work purposes.
*wink*
the others threw the window of the hotel
Where did they throw it?
“If I was having a girl I’d probably go for something more exotic like…Charisma maybe,” Cordy added. “Now that’s a good strong name.”
Oh, badfic author, you're so cute. Making the characters choose the actors' names for their babies. Gag me.
“She had some amazing wind pips on her."
I wish I guy would say that about me.
“Well at least I’m not suggesting something stupid like…Joss or something.”
Repeat after me, badfic author: Joss. Is. Boss.
He was acting kind of strange like there was something he needed to say but he couldn’t get it out.
Bathroom's down the hall, on the right.
grabbed some antiseptic and gauss
You can spell antiseptic but not gauze? Or are you really into physics?
“You’re not like other slayers. You’re different, special. Plus you have something that pretty much no other slayer ever had.”
“Oh yeah and what’s that?”
A pony! No? Damn.
“Pop-tarts?” Tara asked looking confused.
This one's a gift for you, readers.
"He’s homeless people, what do you expect?"
Soylent Green is people. Oh, wait...
"Tara and I went out and bought one [a tranquilizer gun]." - Willow
Just for kicks, obviously.
Willow had purposed to Tara.
It was a purposeless gesture.
“What’s with all the creepy stairs?”
The stairs are staring at you? They're giving you creepy stares?
The only one who wasn’t smiling was Spike.
Damn it, Spike!
“Oh bolics,” Spike said as he jumped out of his seat at the sight of Willow’s water breaking.
No wonder he's not smiling.
“I’m going to have to take the baby ... make sure everything is running properly.”
Babies = plumbing. Apparently.
... Buffy said as her face began to turn very pail.
Get that girl a bucket!
Dr. Carter approached her with all of her doctor gear on.
Was she wearing a doctor hat?
There are ten more chapters, but I've just lost my desire to live...