In which everything goes wrong at once in a spectacular fashion
Found on aff.net under the Gundam Wing/AC section, if you're the masochistic type - full length tl;dr spork at my journal here, in four parts.
Ahem. Gundam Wing fandom is/was fairly notorious for being comprised of people who haven't watched the series and are in it for the hot angsty teen boys. And who can blame them? But this fic is really a gem among gems. What makes it so amazing is that I'm 99% certain that the author was totally serious. So here's a bit of the first chapter, thoroughly sporked.
Warnings: Horrible writing. Gay sex. Very bad language on my part. Not safe for anyone, anywhere, regardless of whether you are at work. Original text in plain, my comments in bold.
Wings of the Dragon
By ChimeraDragon
Warnings: Lemon, slight Sci-Fi, remembered pain, slight OOCness, and Yaoi
At this, the experienced reader’s ears should prick up with alarm. “Slight OOC”? “Slight Sci-Fi”? Yaoi with a capital Y?
Parings: 5x1 2x3x4
This is why I read this fic. I am a Wufei fangirl. My first thoughts went along the lines of “Oh, I get it. It’s metaphorical, because Wufei is the “dragon” of the five pilots, and his relationship with Heero is obviously strained because of that; and yet Wufei is also magnificent, in a noble sort of way. How fitting.” …Please don’t hate me. I didn’t know. Oh, god, I didn’t even know. The pain. THE PAIN.
Notes: // thoughts //
Not too alarming, really. I’ve seen published works rely on this sort of thing to denote mindspeech and the like. Ho hum.
Wing of the Dragon
FIRST RED FLAG: The title is misspelled.
Wufei walked quietly into the small house he shared with Heero Yuy. /at’sat’s is he doing? // Wufei thought to himself looking at Heero who was curled up on the couch. Heero moaned very quietly in his sleep, Wufei noticed that more and more Heero was relaxing around him since the wars had ended. They were both 18 now. Living on their own. They would be leaving high school this year and then they would head off to college.
What’s wrong with this paragraph? Number one: Wufei and Heero are sharing a small house. Number two: The weird typo. “at’sat’s” is one of those weird things that ff.net and aff.net sometimes cause in story files when you upload them; however, the author didn’t care to fix it. Bad mojo. No brownie points. Number three: Heero moaning in his sleep and not waking up the minute someone opened the door. Number four: “Living on their own” is not a sentence. Lastly: “Hey, Heero, now that the war is over and I’ve stopped being a royal dick to everyone we know for the sake of my ideals, and now that the Gundams are out of the picture and we’re not child-soldiers any more, want to quit the Preventer world police force, live in a small house with me, and go to college together?”
“No . . . please Odin . . . no,” Heero whimpered quietly, his voice took on the qualities of a young child.
… Oh fuck no. “Remembered pain”? They meant child abuse of some sort, I bet you a million bucks. Not, you know, war injuries or the death of comrades - child abuse. Heero HAS a childhood, guys, and although it was pretty traumatic, MUST we turn him into an angstbucket?
// He’s so innocent lookwhenwhen he sleeps. I really like watching people sleep, because innocence attracts me. I wonder what he sees when he dreams? The past? The future? Love? Shopping? Unicorns? Nail polish? Boys?// Wufei thought to himself. He sighted his own “OOCness” and was horrified beyond belief and headed towards his own room but was stopped by a pained nose from Heero. He turned and looked, as small shocked gasp escaped from his lips when he saw the state Heero was in and no that sentence was not grammatically correct.
Wufei: King of compassion. Prince of peace. Tooootally.
The once stoic, cold hearted, Perfect Solider lay on the couch; covered in a fine layer of sweat, curled up in the fetal position, a pained expression on his face. Because someone had shot him in the stomach, and he was bleeding to death.
“Odin please . . . no! Don’t let him! Please no!” Heero cried, tears leaked out from his closed eyes. Wufei moved to sit on the floor before his sleeping friend. Because obviously anyone can just waltz right up next to Heero Yuy, the ultimate weapon, in the middle of a horrific nightmare episode. It’s cool, it’s not like he’s a murderous bastard who prefers shooting to oh wait fuck.
“Heero?” Wufei asked quietly, gently he pushed the sweat soaked hair from Heero’s eyes. “What’s wrong Heero?” // He’s never let me do this if he was awake. I care for him too much, I’m weak. Strange, I don’t care. I just want to be there for him when he needs me. // Wufei smiled wistfully. He and Heero had been sharing a house for nearly a year now and they were still only friends.
In the space of a single year, these two children, brutalized by war, murderers of hundreds if not thousands of people, antisocial, emotionless, and barely human, have become loving, caring teenaged girls whose most pressing worries include “How can I tell him I love him?”, and “Does my ass look fat in these pants?”
“Aah“Aahh! NO!” Heero screamed his back arching off the couch. Wufei caught the poor sleeping boy as he slipped off the couch. Then, once they were off the couch… Redundancy! We all love it, deep down in our black hearts.
“Wha-?” Heero asked waking up in Wufei’s warm and comforting embrace. // What am I doing in Wufei’s arms? How long have I been asleep? // Heero thought to himself allowing himself to relax into the embrace of his friend. // I wish we could be more than just friends. //
NEXT, ON “AS THE WORLD TURNS” - HEERO WISHES THEY COULD BE “MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS”! WILL THEY EVER REVEAL THEIR TRUE FEELINGS? IT’S NOT LIKE EITHER OF THEM ARE BLUNT AND STRAIGHTFORWARD AND OH WAIT FUCK. Join us next time as Heero enjoys the tender comforts of human contact.
Heero: Human… contact? … Like punching?
“Are you alright?” Wufei asked gently lifting Heero in his arms so that he could sit on the couch with the Japanese boy in his arms. // He’s not pulling away from me! Could this be the beginning of us being more than just friends? Maybe he feels the same way about me! // Wufei thought to himself, his heart soared. Meanwhile, Heero thought to himself, “Oh em gee, the Chinese boy is totally holding me in his totally hot manly arms. I wonder what the American boy would say if I texted him about it~! But he’s probably too busy with Former Acrobat boy and Blonde boy.”
“H-Hai, I think I’ll be alright,” Heero said quietly in a very defeated tone of voice. …“Yes, 俺は大丈夫だと思う。” I mean, uh, WOW GUYS THIS CHICK SURE KNOWS LOTS OF JAPANESE I’M PRETTY IMPRESSED WITH THE REALISM HERE Y/Y? My personal issues with fangirl Japanese aside, since when does Heero say things “quietly” in a “very defeated tone of voice”? For god’s sake, he’s an unemotional block of wood!
“Do you want to talk about it?” Wufei dared to ask. “Was it about your childhood?” He winced mentally not having meant to probe so much. Ho ho ho. Probing, you say? Also: Wufei would make a terrible therapist. “What’s the matter?” “My girlfriend dumped me for smoking too much, but I’ve got a lot of things going on in my family life, and sometimes it feels like smoking is the only thing that -” “You’re a pathetic weakling! Get the fuck out of my office!”
“I-I’m not ready to talk about it with anybody, not even you Wufei . . . not yet,” Heero replied. // Baka! You don’t even know if he swings that way! // Heero mentally berated himself. Talking to someone about your childhood is apparently the Heero Yuy equivalent of screaming the lyrics to “Sexual Healing” in public to your straight same-sex friend. That’s actually pretty funny! However, the author did not intend it to be funny. Awww. “B can can tell you that, yes, it was about my . . . childhood.” “W-wufei? Um, um, do you… think that maybe… you could… um… go to the prom with me? I mean, um, …. If… you’re not busy…”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to pry,” Wufei said apologetically. // He trusts me! Yay! Finally I shall find Justice in this screwed up universe! // “Do you want me to leave you alone to your thoughts? I can stay if you don’t mind . . . I mean if you want me to stay!” // Baka! That was brilliant Chang! // Wufei mentally kicked himself.
Wufei overusing the word “justice” because the author has no idea what his character is like, really, and just wanted to choose a recognizable trait: Check. The author using weird, confusing stylistic layout so that it takes a while to differentiate thought and speech: Check. Wufei, the Chinese character, using fangirl Japanese in his VERY THOUGHTS: Check, baby.
“Please . . . stay. I-I feel better with you near,” Heero said flatly and unconvincingly as he readied his pistol quietly. // He does! He wants to be around me! // AT LAST, I SHALL FIND THE LOVE I WAS LOOKING FOR ALL THOSE YEARS AS I DESTROYED BUILDINGS AND LIVES WITH EQUAL NONCHALANCE RELENA GOES WHERE??
“Not a problem Heero,” Wufei replied. He began to gently rub Heero’s back in soothing circles. // What in the hell?! // Wufei noticed a ton of scar tissue around Heero’s shoulder blades. // I’ve never seen a scar on him before! But I’ve never seen him without a shirt on. // Wufei thought to himself unconsciously continuing to rub at the scars on both of Heero’s shoulder blades. Heero relaxed further into Wufei’s arms.
Wufei is Chinese, so obviously he is an excellent masseuse. This reminds me of that line from the Pet Shop of Horrors manga, where the Count, a supernatural being, passes off his obviously supernatural abilities to the dumb American cop by saying “Didn’t you know? All Chinese people can fly. Special martial arts.” Blah, blah, Heero has scars, Wufei has never seen any scars on Heero’s skin because he STAYED THE FUCK AWAY LIKE A SANE MAN WOULD, blah.
(snip)
The fic continues on in much the same way. Surprise, surprise, both Heero and Wufei are actually dragons - in that they suddenly grow cute "dragon" wings with attractive color schemes and some other physical changes that the author completely forgets about after bringing them up. The laws of physics are ignored. The laws of probability are thoroughly sassed. Childhood trauma is handled as a convenient plot device for getting characters in bed with each other.
Fangirl Japanese is littered hither and yon. There's awkward unintentional racism. There's poorly written, poorly understood gay sex that is clearly written by someone who does not have a penis (or a clue) - a large amount of it. There are attempts at humor that are nowhere near funny. There's deus ex machina, duo maxwell ex machina, and deus ex where the fuck did that come from? There is a notable dearth of logic.
Duo is characterized as a crack-addled squirrel. Wufei is 'Chinese' and says "justice" way too often. Trowa and Quatre are so bland it's painful - and they are also, in addition to Duo, mystical healing empathic angel ex-terrorists. There's even a poorly disguised self-insert Mary Sue, towards the end of the second chapter - which is a cliffhanger ending because the story was abandoned. Oh, dear. You can change the gender to male and the name to "Ryo", but when you spend a paragraph unnecessarily describing the outfit, you really give the game away.
I'd divulge more of the horrors, but that would be spoiling it for the adventurous. :D
Love,
-Yuuki
Ahem. Gundam Wing fandom is/was fairly notorious for being comprised of people who haven't watched the series and are in it for the hot angsty teen boys. And who can blame them? But this fic is really a gem among gems. What makes it so amazing is that I'm 99% certain that the author was totally serious. So here's a bit of the first chapter, thoroughly sporked.
Warnings: Horrible writing. Gay sex. Very bad language on my part. Not safe for anyone, anywhere, regardless of whether you are at work. Original text in plain, my comments in bold.
Wings of the Dragon
By ChimeraDragon
Warnings: Lemon, slight Sci-Fi, remembered pain, slight OOCness, and Yaoi
At this, the experienced reader’s ears should prick up with alarm. “Slight OOC”? “Slight Sci-Fi”? Yaoi with a capital Y?
Parings: 5x1 2x3x4
This is why I read this fic. I am a Wufei fangirl. My first thoughts went along the lines of “Oh, I get it. It’s metaphorical, because Wufei is the “dragon” of the five pilots, and his relationship with Heero is obviously strained because of that; and yet Wufei is also magnificent, in a noble sort of way. How fitting.” …Please don’t hate me. I didn’t know. Oh, god, I didn’t even know. The pain. THE PAIN.
Notes: // thoughts //
Not too alarming, really. I’ve seen published works rely on this sort of thing to denote mindspeech and the like. Ho hum.
Wing of the Dragon
FIRST RED FLAG: The title is misspelled.
Wufei walked quietly into the small house he shared with Heero Yuy. /at’sat’s is he doing? // Wufei thought to himself looking at Heero who was curled up on the couch. Heero moaned very quietly in his sleep, Wufei noticed that more and more Heero was relaxing around him since the wars had ended. They were both 18 now. Living on their own. They would be leaving high school this year and then they would head off to college.
What’s wrong with this paragraph? Number one: Wufei and Heero are sharing a small house. Number two: The weird typo. “at’sat’s” is one of those weird things that ff.net and aff.net sometimes cause in story files when you upload them; however, the author didn’t care to fix it. Bad mojo. No brownie points. Number three: Heero moaning in his sleep and not waking up the minute someone opened the door. Number four: “Living on their own” is not a sentence. Lastly: “Hey, Heero, now that the war is over and I’ve stopped being a royal dick to everyone we know for the sake of my ideals, and now that the Gundams are out of the picture and we’re not child-soldiers any more, want to quit the Preventer world police force, live in a small house with me, and go to college together?”
“No . . . please Odin . . . no,” Heero whimpered quietly, his voice took on the qualities of a young child.
… Oh fuck no. “Remembered pain”? They meant child abuse of some sort, I bet you a million bucks. Not, you know, war injuries or the death of comrades - child abuse. Heero HAS a childhood, guys, and although it was pretty traumatic, MUST we turn him into an angstbucket?
// He’s so innocent lookwhenwhen he sleeps. I really like watching people sleep, because innocence attracts me. I wonder what he sees when he dreams? The past? The future? Love? Shopping? Unicorns? Nail polish? Boys?// Wufei thought to himself. He sighted his own “OOCness” and was horrified beyond belief and headed towards his own room but was stopped by a pained nose from Heero. He turned and looked, as small shocked gasp escaped from his lips when he saw the state Heero was in and no that sentence was not grammatically correct.
Wufei: King of compassion. Prince of peace. Tooootally.
The once stoic, cold hearted, Perfect Solider lay on the couch; covered in a fine layer of sweat, curled up in the fetal position, a pained expression on his face. Because someone had shot him in the stomach, and he was bleeding to death.
“Odin please . . . no! Don’t let him! Please no!” Heero cried, tears leaked out from his closed eyes. Wufei moved to sit on the floor before his sleeping friend. Because obviously anyone can just waltz right up next to Heero Yuy, the ultimate weapon, in the middle of a horrific nightmare episode. It’s cool, it’s not like he’s a murderous bastard who prefers shooting to oh wait fuck.
“Heero?” Wufei asked quietly, gently he pushed the sweat soaked hair from Heero’s eyes. “What’s wrong Heero?” // He’s never let me do this if he was awake. I care for him too much, I’m weak. Strange, I don’t care. I just want to be there for him when he needs me. // Wufei smiled wistfully. He and Heero had been sharing a house for nearly a year now and they were still only friends.
In the space of a single year, these two children, brutalized by war, murderers of hundreds if not thousands of people, antisocial, emotionless, and barely human, have become loving, caring teenaged girls whose most pressing worries include “How can I tell him I love him?”, and “Does my ass look fat in these pants?”
“Aah“Aahh! NO!” Heero screamed his back arching off the couch. Wufei caught the poor sleeping boy as he slipped off the couch. Then, once they were off the couch… Redundancy! We all love it, deep down in our black hearts.
“Wha-?” Heero asked waking up in Wufei’s warm and comforting embrace. // What am I doing in Wufei’s arms? How long have I been asleep? // Heero thought to himself allowing himself to relax into the embrace of his friend. // I wish we could be more than just friends. //
NEXT, ON “AS THE WORLD TURNS” - HEERO WISHES THEY COULD BE “MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS”! WILL THEY EVER REVEAL THEIR TRUE FEELINGS? IT’S NOT LIKE EITHER OF THEM ARE BLUNT AND STRAIGHTFORWARD AND OH WAIT FUCK. Join us next time as Heero enjoys the tender comforts of human contact.
Heero: Human… contact? … Like punching?
“Are you alright?” Wufei asked gently lifting Heero in his arms so that he could sit on the couch with the Japanese boy in his arms. // He’s not pulling away from me! Could this be the beginning of us being more than just friends? Maybe he feels the same way about me! // Wufei thought to himself, his heart soared. Meanwhile, Heero thought to himself, “Oh em gee, the Chinese boy is totally holding me in his totally hot manly arms. I wonder what the American boy would say if I texted him about it~! But he’s probably too busy with Former Acrobat boy and Blonde boy.”
“H-Hai, I think I’ll be alright,” Heero said quietly in a very defeated tone of voice. …“Yes, 俺は大丈夫だと思う。” I mean, uh, WOW GUYS THIS CHICK SURE KNOWS LOTS OF JAPANESE I’M PRETTY IMPRESSED WITH THE REALISM HERE Y/Y? My personal issues with fangirl Japanese aside, since when does Heero say things “quietly” in a “very defeated tone of voice”? For god’s sake, he’s an unemotional block of wood!
“Do you want to talk about it?” Wufei dared to ask. “Was it about your childhood?” He winced mentally not having meant to probe so much. Ho ho ho. Probing, you say? Also: Wufei would make a terrible therapist. “What’s the matter?” “My girlfriend dumped me for smoking too much, but I’ve got a lot of things going on in my family life, and sometimes it feels like smoking is the only thing that -” “You’re a pathetic weakling! Get the fuck out of my office!”
“I-I’m not ready to talk about it with anybody, not even you Wufei . . . not yet,” Heero replied. // Baka! You don’t even know if he swings that way! // Heero mentally berated himself. Talking to someone about your childhood is apparently the Heero Yuy equivalent of screaming the lyrics to “Sexual Healing” in public to your straight same-sex friend. That’s actually pretty funny! However, the author did not intend it to be funny. Awww. “B can can tell you that, yes, it was about my . . . childhood.” “W-wufei? Um, um, do you… think that maybe… you could… um… go to the prom with me? I mean, um, …. If… you’re not busy…”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to pry,” Wufei said apologetically. // He trusts me! Yay! Finally I shall find Justice in this screwed up universe! // “Do you want me to leave you alone to your thoughts? I can stay if you don’t mind . . . I mean if you want me to stay!” // Baka! That was brilliant Chang! // Wufei mentally kicked himself.
Wufei overusing the word “justice” because the author has no idea what his character is like, really, and just wanted to choose a recognizable trait: Check. The author using weird, confusing stylistic layout so that it takes a while to differentiate thought and speech: Check. Wufei, the Chinese character, using fangirl Japanese in his VERY THOUGHTS: Check, baby.
“Please . . . stay. I-I feel better with you near,” Heero said flatly and unconvincingly as he readied his pistol quietly. // He does! He wants to be around me! // AT LAST, I SHALL FIND THE LOVE I WAS LOOKING FOR ALL THOSE YEARS AS I DESTROYED BUILDINGS AND LIVES WITH EQUAL NONCHALANCE RELENA GOES WHERE??
“Not a problem Heero,” Wufei replied. He began to gently rub Heero’s back in soothing circles. // What in the hell?! // Wufei noticed a ton of scar tissue around Heero’s shoulder blades. // I’ve never seen a scar on him before! But I’ve never seen him without a shirt on. // Wufei thought to himself unconsciously continuing to rub at the scars on both of Heero’s shoulder blades. Heero relaxed further into Wufei’s arms.
Wufei is Chinese, so obviously he is an excellent masseuse. This reminds me of that line from the Pet Shop of Horrors manga, where the Count, a supernatural being, passes off his obviously supernatural abilities to the dumb American cop by saying “Didn’t you know? All Chinese people can fly. Special martial arts.” Blah, blah, Heero has scars, Wufei has never seen any scars on Heero’s skin because he STAYED THE FUCK AWAY LIKE A SANE MAN WOULD, blah.
(snip)
The fic continues on in much the same way. Surprise, surprise, both Heero and Wufei are actually dragons - in that they suddenly grow cute "dragon" wings with attractive color schemes and some other physical changes that the author completely forgets about after bringing them up. The laws of physics are ignored. The laws of probability are thoroughly sassed. Childhood trauma is handled as a convenient plot device for getting characters in bed with each other.
Fangirl Japanese is littered hither and yon. There's awkward unintentional racism. There's poorly written, poorly understood gay sex that is clearly written by someone who does not have a penis (or a clue) - a large amount of it. There are attempts at humor that are nowhere near funny. There's deus ex machina, duo maxwell ex machina, and deus ex where the fuck did that come from? There is a notable dearth of logic.
Duo is characterized as a crack-addled squirrel. Wufei is 'Chinese' and says "justice" way too often. Trowa and Quatre are so bland it's painful - and they are also, in addition to Duo, mystical healing empathic angel ex-terrorists. There's even a poorly disguised self-insert Mary Sue, towards the end of the second chapter - which is a cliffhanger ending because the story was abandoned. Oh, dear. You can change the gender to male and the name to "Ryo", but when you spend a paragraph unnecessarily describing the outfit, you really give the game away.
I'd divulge more of the horrors, but that would be spoiling it for the adventurous. :D
Love,
-Yuuki