18th illusion ||Rokudo Mukuro|| [in person/video]
[And whatever you all were doing it is no longer important because Mukuro is on the screen, looking mighty irritated. Well... at least as irritated as he CAN look... which, given his perpetual smile, comes off as being more perturbed than irate. However, that doesn't matter, something is at hand that needs to dealt with immediately and he doesn't
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Something... wasn't right. He... could put his finger on WHAT wasn't right.... but something felt off. He didn't feel in control. He didn't like it... but at the same time...
He was conflicted. It was a foreign sensation to him. His emotions were always minimal, muted, ina a way, they never presented themselves enough for him to be... conflicted... about them. But now he was working against his foolish notions of his child-self's mind.
Teru was safe. A lie, people can't be trusted.
Teru is special because he's from the outside. Wrong, his eye made him special. There was nothing special about Mikami. He wasn't even worthy enough to be a pawn.
Teru saved me, I'm going to stay with him from now on. ...Nonsense. That never happened.
He wanted to despise Mikami for this indignity to him... but he simply couldn't bring himself to. It was maddening. But he could not reveal it, he switches the feed to private. He didn't want anyone to witness his possible mistakes in dealing with this peculiar situation.
He quickly puts his trademark pleasant grin on his face, acting as he usually did.]
I would concur, though I must thank you for your patience dealing with that.
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The way Mukuro said 'that' made him look up fully. He shook his head slowly]
It was nothing. My self from then rather enjoyed it.
[He didn't even know why he said this out loud. Teru adjusted his glasses to get the awkwardness to go away. His past self was past, it should not be allowed to talk out of him. It should not even be able to affect him anymore. That had been 13 years ago. Why did it mean so much to him back then? It made no sense for that to still reach out into the presence]
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[He had enjoyed it too... and now he just felt disgusted with himself for it. This was something for people lesser than him. Insignificant people who had not bothered to change their own world. He had transcended these flaws though the cycle of reincarnation. He was a flawless being. Free of sin. Why did this flaw brought on by some warped memory feel as though it had somehow tainted that? But the child in him felt compelled to speak...
and he felt compelled to allow it to speak.]
It was a refreshing reprieve from what I was used to. It's almost a pity it couldn't have stayed that way.
[Almost. He had power now. Power he had earned through his trials. And with that power he would ensure there would be another case like his in the world. Even if he had to nearly destroy it first.
He was being foolish. He had needed to go through those trials to understand just how vile humanity was. To give up back then he would have grown up to become one of them. Someone of clouded judgement who would bring everyone around them to ruin, then there would have been no one to try and mend the corruption of the world.]
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Would he have been able to prevent this from happening?
He wanted to get the thoughts out of his head, they were ridiculous. Maybe when he was little he had believed that people could change, but that was because he had been naive back then.
But then again, Mukuro had not crossed the point of no return back then... Maybe...
There was no maybe. There was no way to go back to that and it would be the most chaotic and frightening way of messing with time either way. Mikami was in no way desiring it.]
Almost, yes. But it's not like we could go back and it's useless thinking about it.
[Completely useless. Like every single of his feelings in this moment.]
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[Nor would he regret his actions for a moment- even if the massacre was not fully intentional... as first.]
And even if things had miraculously somehow been changed, there would be no telling how long the Estraneo would have continued what they were doing.
[That should wipe any doubts he had in his mind. Not Mikami's, but his own. He was chosen to put an end to it. No one else could have. It was for the best that he was not freed.
Though there was that burning curiosity ever-present in his mind: What would have happened if he had remained here? The thought is quickly pushed aside. He would be just as undeserving to live as so many others. He would have grown up as something pathetic and weak... though if he had stayed with Teru- Mikami...
this whole ordeal was absolutely maddening.]
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This was a lose-lose situation in his mind.
And for once he did not even know how to reply.
Mukuro questioned his sense of justice in a way that was threatening and hurtful. Mikami wished he could just click the feed away and not talk to Mukuro ever again. He was unrighteous, there was no reason to try having a conversation with him.
There never had been.
If only it was this simple.
The conflicts in his mind were just unlike him and he needed to chase them away. But he couldn't, if he just left this as it was.
He knew he could push emotions far away, but this was more than that, this was logic, too, and it would keep nagging at his mind forever, even if he pretended Mukuro did not even exist.]
There's also no telling on the chances that things would have turned out better. All evil is punished, one way or the other.
But this is just hypothetical speculations with no use at all....
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[something about that reassures him. Yes, he was right. Though for whatever reason he did not want to accept that him being the end of the Estraneo was not fitting. He could not blame him. In fact it was part of the reason Mukuro was so "fond" of him initially. He very much approved of the way the man thought. He could not blame him for his ignorance of his circumstance. He did not know the entire story, nor would he unless Mukuro decided to tell him... which was a pending thought. For now though, he would only slightly elaborate on what Mikami already knew.]
I was their punishment. It was their own folly that I accidentally stumbled upon the most vile of my skills.
[The path of humans. He loathed the ability, but accepted it. It was simply a part of his burden to take that form when need be. It was the form of the sins of man. It was dangerous, and even he did not have absolute dominance over it. The crass vulgarity that over took him was most regretful, but he could not rise above it. The most important part of that path was controlling it enough to prevent a rampage, which he had successfully done. Still, there was an element of not being in control, as long as that element was there the path would remain a danger and a last resort. Still, the vulgarity and raging violence made a fitting end for the Estraneo.]
It was a fitting end for them.
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[The imagery of the small Mukuro standing in the middle of bloody corpses... Mikami does not want to think about it, yet he does. There was no running away from this reality. People chose their paths and often the wrong one. It had always been like that and Mukuro was not even special in this sense.
Mikami was sure he had to act driven by a need of revenge, because that was how these things usually went... No matter what Mukuro said about it, it was impure. A sin.
He needed to ban the picture of the little boy with the empty eye-socked out of his head. He just had to.
Mikami had never done many under-classifications among the unrighteous. But he couldn't help thinking Mukuro was at least above his tormentors.]
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[Yes, he remembered wandering around the facility with Ken and Chikusa looking for a way out of the building. He was able to see a number of "interesting" things, for those with a morbid sense of curiosity anyway.]
Do not underestimate how a mafia family can get rid of evidence. I had been there for as long as I can remember, until I was about eight years old according to my papers.
[unfortunately, the papers he found on himself only had his birth year. It did give him the opportunity to come up with his own, but really he would much rather know all the details.]
And I know I was far from the first batch of children they brought in. So tell me, what other choice did I have? It was either perservere and see how long I can live until my usefulness ends and they put me down, or start damaging the eyes I was endowed with in hopes they would put me down and put me out of my misery. Or perhaps they would be merciful. If I survived I could help them conduct more experiments on other children. Those were my choices. I chose to end it all and destroy the family. What would you have done in my place?
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But then again Teru was himself. His morals were stable, he could defend them no matter what, which was exactly why he needed to finish this discussion.
For a moment Mikami was silent. What he would have done... When he looks up again, his eyes are determined and full of strong will and belief]
I would've tried to protect the others to the best of my ability, even if that meant my own death.
[There was no way evil would not get punished. As long as he stayed righteous God would be on his side.
There was no saying what would would have been if Mikami had actually grown up in Mukuro's place, if he would've taken Mukuro's path...
But he was not Mukuro. He was Teru Mikami and he knew exactly where he stood on this matter.... hopefully, in his not-very-empathetic-way.]
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[He chuckled and shook his head.]
But as I said, you were not there. It is easy for the human mind to allow oneself to envision being the hero in a cruel and unjust situation. However being there was a different matter entirely, especially as a child. What would you really do if you knew little to nothing about the world outside the walls that you were imprisoned in, what hope would you have of escaping?
[He leaned back and sighed. He would get it into this man's head eventually that there was no other hope.]
Most children only had brief vague memories of a time before the experiments. I, myself had never seen the outdoors until the day of our escape. I thought the idea of an infinite blue ceiling and green hair that grew out of dirt was some elaborate fairytale that was brought on by the experiments. There was no such thing as hope in that place, only self preservation and an almost futile attempt to cling to one's existence. The closest thing to "hope" we had was that one of us may survive and remember that we existed.
[The smile fades for a rare moment of seriousness. Mikami was sharp, he knew that the best way to get to him was through this brutal honesty. It was quite different with Saguru, he knew better than to take his words at face value. It was a 'trust game' between them, but that would not do as well here. If he were to slip into his lies too much Mikami would completely shut him out. Made for quite the interesting challenge.]
I have memorized all of their names, unfortunately for some there was no name, only a number in which case I gave them a name myself. Regardless, if you still do not feel as though my actions were righteous, I must apologize for my different perspective. Eight years is a long time to exist in such a way.
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He listens up at the word hero though and shakes his head after Mukuro has ended]
I do not envision myself to be any sort of hero. Trying to protect someone is rarely as heroic as portrayed by fiction. Quite the contrary, but I suppose you would know.
[Unless being a hero meant being kicked, stripped, tasting dirt in your mouth and hurting with every movement. If being despised and looked down up by everyone around one, made them a hero, then Mikami could maybe qualify for it.
But he had never seen himself as a hero or a victim. He was not a victim, because he helped. And he was not a hero, because everything he did was just right and should not be anything out the ordinary.
He cleared his throat]
Either way, you are right. I have no been there and I can not determine how I would've felt in the situation. Especially given that memories greatly form a person and I would not be the me I am now in that case.
[He fell silent for another moment, thinking about Mukuro's words. It was difficult. He knew that what Mukuro did was not acceptable, but at the same time it seemed to really have been the best thing to possibly happen at that place.
He could not reject Mukuro for who he had been back them, but at the same time he could not accept him for who he was now.
Mukuro's smile had been off-putting, always was, the seriousness was far more endurable to Mikami, but also it was hard to block out. He wished Mukuro would smile again, laugh, be mad and insane, so that he could leave it at this and end it.
But he couldn't and Mikami knew that he wouldn't be able to for quite some time.
When he finally spoke he tried to sound indifferent and serious, banning the thoughts and emotions out of his voice.]
I maybe can't understand your actions and their reasons on a deep level, but I see where you're coming from.
But as I said, I am me. I have grown up and lived after my world's morals [more extremely so, than most people] and I can not judge from any other perspective but that. And seeing it as that, murder is murder. I doubt we can reach a full agreement on this subject, based on how we lived and what basis we act on.
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