(no subject)
This is probably going to come out sounding emo and woe is me. It's not intended this way. It's just the outpouring of thinking thoughts that occurred at 10pm on a Monday night whilst sitting in the bath washing my hair.
I'm starting to think that my 13 year love affair with the internet, fanfiction and fandom in general is pretty close to being run its course.
There was a time when the first thing I'd do on waking up was check my flist and make a post. Then when I'd get in from work, I'd do the same. Hell, I'd even sit in work writing the 'about my day' blog and writing fanfiction in between calls.
Now.. I don;t know if its the mundaneness of my existence because I have no interest in blogging. All I'd be able to blog about was "got up, went to work, answered the phones for 8 hours, got bitched at by customers,came home"
I wouldn't want to read that so why would I inflict it on other people? Why would I want to pretend that people give a shit about the minutiae of my day?
I keep trying to kick myself back in to blogging. It seems to work for... a day or so but then it stops again.
I tried to get myself back into the fanlistings thing because OMG i used to be SO into it. I ran hundreds of the things and had collectives and it was fantastic.
But then depression struck
Also, with fandom... I don't know... when it feels like everyone else is doing it for one reason and it's not the same reason you're doing it, you start to feel like you're doing something wrong which makes it... kinda difficult to enjoy anymore.
With online fandom... when was the last time someone wasn't complaining about wank? Now, I'm obviously in all the wrong places because I never see anything about it but all that ever seems to happen is someone is attacking someone else, or their friends, or the actors, or their partners or the writers or the directors.
Once upon a time, fandom was about community. That's what I used to enjoy. There was a sense of... I dunno... belonging. It was there in Phantom Menace, The Sentinel, Bon Jovi and in the early days of Good Charlotte. Before that got wanky and people started to attack the band and their music and seemed to forget the meaning of the word 'fan' Oddly enough - that was about the time I left the fandom!
Sometimes.. I don't know... it feels like I'm the only person here who simply wants to sit back and enjoy.
I don't want to pull apart every minute aspect of every word, every inflection, every movement of an eye in every scene. I don't want to try to break down everything and find hidden meanings. Mrph there was a reason I hated English Literature.
I ENJOY things. I like enjoying them for what they are. I like the stories the way they are - if I didn't, I wouldn't be watching the show or reading the book in the first place.
I want to go to a gig and enjoy it. I go to gigs because I happen to enjoy the artists music. No, I don't want to steal them, I don't want to monopolise every second of their time. No, I really don't want to be BFFs with them.
I just want to hear them play their music
Nothing more, nothing less.
I'd also like to... well... to go to a gig that isn't in the back room of a pub. Nothing wrong with those back room of pubs gigs. But fuck I miss going to the NEC, the NIA, the O2... heck even the Civic and the Little Civic
I just don't have anyone to go with. Or know/like any bands that play them anymore.
Yeah, its getting very hard to enjoy things when everyone else seems to want to be in fandom to get something out of it, or you keep running into entitled fans at every corner.
(Also - none of the behaviours that I'm writing about is exhibited by anyone reading this post. I wouldn't be friends with you if I thought you were... well... like this)
Like I said... love for internet, fanfiction and fandom dying.
But how do I know if its genuinely dying or if this is just depression talking. Because fuck knows I've lost enough of my life to depression and I don't want it to take this too.
But then, if it is genuine... what the fuck do I DO?
Fandom is all I've known since I was 15 years old. I'm 29 in a few weeks. I don't know anything else. I don't know how to be anyone other than 'Cassie Morgan'
Fuck I'm scared.
I don't know what I want or what I want to do.
Well, other than that I want Farmville to fucking work so I can harvest my crops and feed my puppies. And I want to crawl into bed with my book and listen to music until I fall asleep
I'm starting to think that my 13 year love affair with the internet, fanfiction and fandom in general is pretty close to being run its course.
There was a time when the first thing I'd do on waking up was check my flist and make a post. Then when I'd get in from work, I'd do the same. Hell, I'd even sit in work writing the 'about my day' blog and writing fanfiction in between calls.
Now.. I don;t know if its the mundaneness of my existence because I have no interest in blogging. All I'd be able to blog about was "got up, went to work, answered the phones for 8 hours, got bitched at by customers,came home"
I wouldn't want to read that so why would I inflict it on other people? Why would I want to pretend that people give a shit about the minutiae of my day?
I keep trying to kick myself back in to blogging. It seems to work for... a day or so but then it stops again.
I tried to get myself back into the fanlistings thing because OMG i used to be SO into it. I ran hundreds of the things and had collectives and it was fantastic.
But then depression struck
Also, with fandom... I don't know... when it feels like everyone else is doing it for one reason and it's not the same reason you're doing it, you start to feel like you're doing something wrong which makes it... kinda difficult to enjoy anymore.
With online fandom... when was the last time someone wasn't complaining about wank? Now, I'm obviously in all the wrong places because I never see anything about it but all that ever seems to happen is someone is attacking someone else, or their friends, or the actors, or their partners or the writers or the directors.
Once upon a time, fandom was about community. That's what I used to enjoy. There was a sense of... I dunno... belonging. It was there in Phantom Menace, The Sentinel, Bon Jovi and in the early days of Good Charlotte. Before that got wanky and people started to attack the band and their music and seemed to forget the meaning of the word 'fan' Oddly enough - that was about the time I left the fandom!
Sometimes.. I don't know... it feels like I'm the only person here who simply wants to sit back and enjoy.
I don't want to pull apart every minute aspect of every word, every inflection, every movement of an eye in every scene. I don't want to try to break down everything and find hidden meanings. Mrph there was a reason I hated English Literature.
I ENJOY things. I like enjoying them for what they are. I like the stories the way they are - if I didn't, I wouldn't be watching the show or reading the book in the first place.
I want to go to a gig and enjoy it. I go to gigs because I happen to enjoy the artists music. No, I don't want to steal them, I don't want to monopolise every second of their time. No, I really don't want to be BFFs with them.
I just want to hear them play their music
Nothing more, nothing less.
I'd also like to... well... to go to a gig that isn't in the back room of a pub. Nothing wrong with those back room of pubs gigs. But fuck I miss going to the NEC, the NIA, the O2... heck even the Civic and the Little Civic
I just don't have anyone to go with. Or know/like any bands that play them anymore.
Yeah, its getting very hard to enjoy things when everyone else seems to want to be in fandom to get something out of it, or you keep running into entitled fans at every corner.
(Also - none of the behaviours that I'm writing about is exhibited by anyone reading this post. I wouldn't be friends with you if I thought you were... well... like this)
Like I said... love for internet, fanfiction and fandom dying.
But how do I know if its genuinely dying or if this is just depression talking. Because fuck knows I've lost enough of my life to depression and I don't want it to take this too.
But then, if it is genuine... what the fuck do I DO?
Fandom is all I've known since I was 15 years old. I'm 29 in a few weeks. I don't know anything else. I don't know how to be anyone other than 'Cassie Morgan'
Fuck I'm scared.
I don't know what I want or what I want to do.
Well, other than that I want Farmville to fucking work so I can harvest my crops and feed my puppies. And I want to crawl into bed with my book and listen to music until I fall asleep