let it fall.. let it fall..
i have seen this coming.. i just didn't know it would be this soon.. and i thought i was ready..
last night i faced my greatest fear. seeing them together. seeing how happy he is with her. realizing how they have missed each other so much. hurting because i know he didn't feel that way for me. but i give kudos to myself on how i handled it. i stayed composed. maybe that's real love. just seeing him happy kept me smiling though inside i was tearing up. i had to pretend that i'm okay. that everything's gonna be alright. that i've accepted them being whatever they are now. but when i left, i broke down. i couldn't control myself. all the pain i've kept for years came out uncontrollably. and now, i totally am broken. into bits. i couldn't start picking pieces of myself. from here, i don't know where i'm heading. i have always made my world turn around him. he's been part of my present and future plans. and now that things went this way, i don't know what to do next. i don't have a plan b. like, "where to now?". my world stopped. my life ceased. my future (our future) crashed before me.
after this writing, when i get out of this office, i'll walk but i'd be heading nowhere. everywhere i'll go, everything that i'll do, everyone that i'll meet, will only remind me of him. i'm trapped. in our memories. if only i could wipe out all my memories of him like in "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind". if only i could return to my life when i haven't met him. then i could keep myself from this severe pain i'm undergoing now. then my life would have taken another direction. a happier one. this ranting could go on and on but still i couldn't heal myself. i don't know how to. nobody knows how to.
i'm a psychologist who needs another psychologist. where have all those studying went. majoring in this course can't be put to use. fuck! nuff of this! i feel stupid. i find comfort in writing something which i know nobody would pay attention to.
kill me. kill me. kill me.