Don't you just hate that feeling...
...when you feel like everyone means WAY more to you than you do to them?
I don't know. I get that feeling all too often and I just can't shake it. I know I'm probably overanalyzing it like everything else in my life, but it always gives me the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach, like some day, I'll lose all the friends that meant so much to me and that they'll not feel regret or loss.
It's happened to me before, so that's why I'm so scared now. I once had a friend whom I thought would never grow apart from me. We were practically one. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves. It was probably the definition of the perfect friendship, but, alas, it came to an end.
Don't get me wrong, we're still friends, but not like we once were. I can feel it building back up, though.
But other than that, I'm terrified of being alone and forgotten. I know I'll never be completely forgotten, but alone... yeah, I don't know. I feel alone a lot. Even when I'm talking to or with my best friend in the entire world, I feel a little bit of me is missing. I honestly don't know why I feel like this. I mean, if I think about it, I have a beautiful life and I'm so blessed to have the things I do and know the people I do, but there's something missing and I feel like an ignorant brat for even thinking that, but I can't shake that feeling.
And this whole school thing is getting old, let me tell you. School just drains me and it's awful knowing that the next day will be the same. And the next and the next until the weekend. But being me, I always think about the fact that the weekend will end and the same monotonous routine will start once again. And that fact literally just kills me a little each and every day.
Two more years... I can do this.
I really can't imagine being that person that has a 9-5 job and sits at a desk, taking phone calls and typing up things that mean nothing to me except that these numbers and figures get me money. I need something out of the ordinary. I just can't be a creature of routine. I've had that for over ten years with school and it's just not me. I need to have a different challenge every day and not know entirely what to expect.
The same goes for family. I cannot see myself having kids and being the wife that stays at home until their kids are old enough to go to school and going to PTA meetings and taking my kids to sports practice... no. In fact, the thought makes me a bit queasy. I have to live my life and I don't want anything to hold me back. I'm not much of a kid person anyway.
Well, I have no idea why I felt the need to spew this unto you, but here it is. My artistic word vomit for the day, if you will. I'm not sure if anyone will actually read it, but it feels good to get it off your chest.
<3 Ashley
I don't know. I get that feeling all too often and I just can't shake it. I know I'm probably overanalyzing it like everything else in my life, but it always gives me the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach, like some day, I'll lose all the friends that meant so much to me and that they'll not feel regret or loss.
It's happened to me before, so that's why I'm so scared now. I once had a friend whom I thought would never grow apart from me. We were practically one. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves. It was probably the definition of the perfect friendship, but, alas, it came to an end.
Don't get me wrong, we're still friends, but not like we once were. I can feel it building back up, though.
But other than that, I'm terrified of being alone and forgotten. I know I'll never be completely forgotten, but alone... yeah, I don't know. I feel alone a lot. Even when I'm talking to or with my best friend in the entire world, I feel a little bit of me is missing. I honestly don't know why I feel like this. I mean, if I think about it, I have a beautiful life and I'm so blessed to have the things I do and know the people I do, but there's something missing and I feel like an ignorant brat for even thinking that, but I can't shake that feeling.
And this whole school thing is getting old, let me tell you. School just drains me and it's awful knowing that the next day will be the same. And the next and the next until the weekend. But being me, I always think about the fact that the weekend will end and the same monotonous routine will start once again. And that fact literally just kills me a little each and every day.
Two more years... I can do this.
I really can't imagine being that person that has a 9-5 job and sits at a desk, taking phone calls and typing up things that mean nothing to me except that these numbers and figures get me money. I need something out of the ordinary. I just can't be a creature of routine. I've had that for over ten years with school and it's just not me. I need to have a different challenge every day and not know entirely what to expect.
The same goes for family. I cannot see myself having kids and being the wife that stays at home until their kids are old enough to go to school and going to PTA meetings and taking my kids to sports practice... no. In fact, the thought makes me a bit queasy. I have to live my life and I don't want anything to hold me back. I'm not much of a kid person anyway.
Well, I have no idea why I felt the need to spew this unto you, but here it is. My artistic word vomit for the day, if you will. I'm not sure if anyone will actually read it, but it feels good to get it off your chest.
<3 Ashley