Singles Awareness Day.
So.. all the flowers.. and couples.. and... yeah... definetely was made aware of my singleness, especially when I saw certain people today. But I try not to dwell on that.
I got some pictures of me and stuff from the last few years. Some of Nick, mostly of me. A few of Alex and I... none of just her... or just pics in general of friends... oh well. Having what I have is nice. Though I might be recieving more at some point, somehow. I'm not sure if, when or how I would be getting more. And it would require me to send a message through proly Scott.
The new lease is signed and turned in. Something almost ironic.. or symbolic about that being done today of all days. Kinda like one of those ..yeah.. symbolic things.
Today isn't sucking to bad I guess. I went to Northlights for open mic, a guy played a mandoline at some point, that was really the only person I found food. But there was A amusing comedian up there at one point. Scott met me there, and we hung about, not his cup of tea it would seem. Though he did talk to a girl. But she didn't seem like she was much interested in talking to us.
So, I'm interestingly enough excited about tomarrow a lil for some reason... Strange that is. But I wanna go to class. Well, yeah.
So I'm gonna get a trim proly tomarrow afternoon. It's getting in my eyes again. My hair grows fast when it's short.
I feel like writing tonight. But also going to bed by 12.... I slept so badly last night... couldn't sleep till 4am.. but at about 3 I gave up for a while an IM'd Dan! Haven't talked to him in a while. So we chatted of old times, good times, of women, or school, of Acetone Peroxide. Good memories. It brought some joy to my heart, to remember a time when I was happy.
One of the pictures I got was of Alex and I laying on a bed or couch or such, snuggled up together. I was only able to look at it long enough to decide which pile it went in. (The keep around, or the put in a box pile) But... While it hurt me, it also made me remember, and hopeful of a future time when I will find a new girl, one that'll treat me right, one I can have those moments of relaxation, and contentment with. Those times lounging together, not a care in the world. Snuggled up.
It reminds me of a time with Isa accually. At her house, the fireplace going, sitting together, happy and content in its warm glow. Talking of life, love, everything. A time of joy, relaxed joy.
And I also remember a time with Alex, on her dorm bed, freshmen year. Mid spring. Mid afternoon. The sun shining through the blinds, a light breaze moving the leaves of a tree, causing shadows to move accross us as we lay peacefully on her bed. Nearly asleep. Barely aware of the world. Just happy in each other's arms. Nothing wrong, nothing to hide from or forget. A time when we had no darkness over our heads. Just us, carressed by the gentle winds through the open window. The smell of grass and each other.
That memory is accually quite strong in my mind. And while the memory of Alex brings up a memory of a stupid whore who lied and cheated, and caused me great pain, and who I cannot forgive, and have not, and who I hate deeply. The memory, is of simply the experience now, seperated from the person. So I can enjoy it. And wish for it, the experience, not the past.
Even now.. when the breaze blows the right way, and the shadows of trees are moving around me, and the sun is shining...I am reminded of it. And I think of the fact that in theory, some day, I will experience this again. I will have a moment of peace, happiness and love, cuddled with a girl who loves me, and who I love.
Now I remember another time with Isa. In a park, in MoHill, laying in the cool, relaxed and happy.
It's the feeling I long for. Not the memories. But memory is all I have to work with. I am single now, with no women to dream of. Though I do have some prospects. But proly nothing but friendships.
There really is nothing being with someone you love. With no cares. Cuddled together. Relaxed in the cool shade of a sunny day. With truely nothing wrong, nothing hanging over your head, no pain to interfer.
Every now and again I get these moment of internal tranquility. When depression and anger are not dominating my heart. When idealism and optimism return to me, and I can reflect clearly upon myself and my life. This last year has been excruciatingly hard on me, and will have lasting affect on me. But. I have learned alot about life. Pain is, indeed, learning. I've learned alot about love, relationships, people, and myself. I try to put it into words, but most of it comes out as angry rants and depressed monologues. (Hamlet would be proud)
Take vengance for example. I am vengeful. Those who wrong me, make a very dangerous enemy. Between skills, knowledge, contacts, allies and patience I could exact some very evil revenge upon others. It further doesn't help that I am capable of doing some very dark things, and that deep down, I'm a dark person. Well, part of me, not all. So I could kill, maime, torture and cause insanity and never blink doing it. I prefer insanity. I think it is my prefered mode of revenge. However, I have learned that their is a cost for revenge. The Count of Monte Cristo is an exellent book, and exellent example of this. Revenge, I have learned, will profit me nothing. I will get the evil satisfaction of causing pain to those that have caused me pain, but outside that, I gain nothing. And further, I would have to become like those I wish revenge upon. I would have to act as they do, and have to cause pain as they do. In the process too, innocents would likely be harmed as pawns. Anyhoo, yes. Revenge profits me nothing. Wasted energy. And loss of honor.
I can feel my internal traquility fading. Moment of lucid peace. I'm starting to learn how to truely milk these times, and to entice them to be. And I find I'm happier for doing it.
The darkness of my worldview is not complete. There are a few honorable, careing folk out there, who understand honesty and loyalty. I realize this, so not all is darkness. And I've found a few of them. And I keep them close to me. Many of the people I've befriended in the last year I must say do somewhat restore my faith in individuals. Ryan, Jenna, Jaimie, Matt. Good people. Honorable people. Neither acting with dishonor, nor condoneing it with words or with silence. It's one thing to not be a disloyal liar, it's another to not simply stand by and let others be such.
If I don't lie. But I'm close friends with someone who lies there head off, what does that say about me?
And that's my philosophy ramble for the moment.
I had abs again. Not a pack of anything yet. But they are there again. And my arms are strong again. And my flexability is returning. my personal exercise routine is paying off. I need to modify it though a bit. My upper abs aren't getting well worked I don't think, and some muscles are getting worked to much in comparison. I'll talk to scott about some ideas and the Kata for Pysch of the Body has some stuff in it that might be of interest. Also, I want to rework my back too. and I need to get on a bike for my legs...
I got some pictures of me and stuff from the last few years. Some of Nick, mostly of me. A few of Alex and I... none of just her... or just pics in general of friends... oh well. Having what I have is nice. Though I might be recieving more at some point, somehow. I'm not sure if, when or how I would be getting more. And it would require me to send a message through proly Scott.
The new lease is signed and turned in. Something almost ironic.. or symbolic about that being done today of all days. Kinda like one of those ..yeah.. symbolic things.
Today isn't sucking to bad I guess. I went to Northlights for open mic, a guy played a mandoline at some point, that was really the only person I found food. But there was A amusing comedian up there at one point. Scott met me there, and we hung about, not his cup of tea it would seem. Though he did talk to a girl. But she didn't seem like she was much interested in talking to us.
So, I'm interestingly enough excited about tomarrow a lil for some reason... Strange that is. But I wanna go to class. Well, yeah.
So I'm gonna get a trim proly tomarrow afternoon. It's getting in my eyes again. My hair grows fast when it's short.
I feel like writing tonight. But also going to bed by 12.... I slept so badly last night... couldn't sleep till 4am.. but at about 3 I gave up for a while an IM'd Dan! Haven't talked to him in a while. So we chatted of old times, good times, of women, or school, of Acetone Peroxide. Good memories. It brought some joy to my heart, to remember a time when I was happy.
One of the pictures I got was of Alex and I laying on a bed or couch or such, snuggled up together. I was only able to look at it long enough to decide which pile it went in. (The keep around, or the put in a box pile) But... While it hurt me, it also made me remember, and hopeful of a future time when I will find a new girl, one that'll treat me right, one I can have those moments of relaxation, and contentment with. Those times lounging together, not a care in the world. Snuggled up.
It reminds me of a time with Isa accually. At her house, the fireplace going, sitting together, happy and content in its warm glow. Talking of life, love, everything. A time of joy, relaxed joy.
And I also remember a time with Alex, on her dorm bed, freshmen year. Mid spring. Mid afternoon. The sun shining through the blinds, a light breaze moving the leaves of a tree, causing shadows to move accross us as we lay peacefully on her bed. Nearly asleep. Barely aware of the world. Just happy in each other's arms. Nothing wrong, nothing to hide from or forget. A time when we had no darkness over our heads. Just us, carressed by the gentle winds through the open window. The smell of grass and each other.
That memory is accually quite strong in my mind. And while the memory of Alex brings up a memory of a stupid whore who lied and cheated, and caused me great pain, and who I cannot forgive, and have not, and who I hate deeply. The memory, is of simply the experience now, seperated from the person. So I can enjoy it. And wish for it, the experience, not the past.
Even now.. when the breaze blows the right way, and the shadows of trees are moving around me, and the sun is shining...I am reminded of it. And I think of the fact that in theory, some day, I will experience this again. I will have a moment of peace, happiness and love, cuddled with a girl who loves me, and who I love.
Now I remember another time with Isa. In a park, in MoHill, laying in the cool, relaxed and happy.
It's the feeling I long for. Not the memories. But memory is all I have to work with. I am single now, with no women to dream of. Though I do have some prospects. But proly nothing but friendships.
There really is nothing being with someone you love. With no cares. Cuddled together. Relaxed in the cool shade of a sunny day. With truely nothing wrong, nothing hanging over your head, no pain to interfer.
Every now and again I get these moment of internal tranquility. When depression and anger are not dominating my heart. When idealism and optimism return to me, and I can reflect clearly upon myself and my life. This last year has been excruciatingly hard on me, and will have lasting affect on me. But. I have learned alot about life. Pain is, indeed, learning. I've learned alot about love, relationships, people, and myself. I try to put it into words, but most of it comes out as angry rants and depressed monologues. (Hamlet would be proud)
Take vengance for example. I am vengeful. Those who wrong me, make a very dangerous enemy. Between skills, knowledge, contacts, allies and patience I could exact some very evil revenge upon others. It further doesn't help that I am capable of doing some very dark things, and that deep down, I'm a dark person. Well, part of me, not all. So I could kill, maime, torture and cause insanity and never blink doing it. I prefer insanity. I think it is my prefered mode of revenge. However, I have learned that their is a cost for revenge. The Count of Monte Cristo is an exellent book, and exellent example of this. Revenge, I have learned, will profit me nothing. I will get the evil satisfaction of causing pain to those that have caused me pain, but outside that, I gain nothing. And further, I would have to become like those I wish revenge upon. I would have to act as they do, and have to cause pain as they do. In the process too, innocents would likely be harmed as pawns. Anyhoo, yes. Revenge profits me nothing. Wasted energy. And loss of honor.
I can feel my internal traquility fading. Moment of lucid peace. I'm starting to learn how to truely milk these times, and to entice them to be. And I find I'm happier for doing it.
The darkness of my worldview is not complete. There are a few honorable, careing folk out there, who understand honesty and loyalty. I realize this, so not all is darkness. And I've found a few of them. And I keep them close to me. Many of the people I've befriended in the last year I must say do somewhat restore my faith in individuals. Ryan, Jenna, Jaimie, Matt. Good people. Honorable people. Neither acting with dishonor, nor condoneing it with words or with silence. It's one thing to not be a disloyal liar, it's another to not simply stand by and let others be such.
If I don't lie. But I'm close friends with someone who lies there head off, what does that say about me?
And that's my philosophy ramble for the moment.
I had abs again. Not a pack of anything yet. But they are there again. And my arms are strong again. And my flexability is returning. my personal exercise routine is paying off. I need to modify it though a bit. My upper abs aren't getting well worked I don't think, and some muscles are getting worked to much in comparison. I'll talk to scott about some ideas and the Kata for Pysch of the Body has some stuff in it that might be of interest. Also, I want to rework my back too. and I need to get on a bike for my legs...