(no subject)
there are ways in which home is nice: i get to see a few friends, family, and i do whatever i want for a week. cool.
but there are ways in which home is uncomfortable: my room doesn't really feel like my own room where i live anymore. i don't have much of a connection with most of the things i have on the wall; they're all things i put up in high school. they had significance to me then, but not now. they only serve to remind me of that time and memory is what's troubling me.
people and places are haunting me slightly. i have a nasty habit of disconnecting with people who don't immediately surround me, and so i lose a lot of friends that way. of course, some losses bother me more than others, but then those particularly bothersome losses are bothering me particularly. i don't know. i'd almost rather forget you all. not all of you. not really, of course, but it seems so rare, these days, that much of anything from hastings is pertinent. we're all going off in different directions and into oblivion where we decide we need to check in with home base. but we get here, find everything is ok, that the place has moved on without us, and then we leave again. what's the point? soon we're going to be checking in less and less frequently. what's going to happen when we all leave college? there's going to be no regularity. it's hard to think that my visits to hastings might never again coincide with people i was friends with in high school. we're all going to have separate lives and probably mostly in separate places and we'll all have jobs and - shit... i don't know. i can just feel my life turning into something different right now. it's not too drastic of a change so far, and maybe it never will be, but it seems like the ragnarok is going pave the ground flat so we can all build our separate enclosures that don't include one another. it seems monumental and imminent and it's making my blood boil.
that's why this seems all the more important to me. it's just a lot of love and desire and lust and regret about to be snuffed out by time. i'm starting to hate it here. i don't live here any more and these visits keep tricking me into thinking that i do.
but there are ways in which home is uncomfortable: my room doesn't really feel like my own room where i live anymore. i don't have much of a connection with most of the things i have on the wall; they're all things i put up in high school. they had significance to me then, but not now. they only serve to remind me of that time and memory is what's troubling me.
people and places are haunting me slightly. i have a nasty habit of disconnecting with people who don't immediately surround me, and so i lose a lot of friends that way. of course, some losses bother me more than others, but then those particularly bothersome losses are bothering me particularly. i don't know. i'd almost rather forget you all. not all of you. not really, of course, but it seems so rare, these days, that much of anything from hastings is pertinent. we're all going off in different directions and into oblivion where we decide we need to check in with home base. but we get here, find everything is ok, that the place has moved on without us, and then we leave again. what's the point? soon we're going to be checking in less and less frequently. what's going to happen when we all leave college? there's going to be no regularity. it's hard to think that my visits to hastings might never again coincide with people i was friends with in high school. we're all going to have separate lives and probably mostly in separate places and we'll all have jobs and - shit... i don't know. i can just feel my life turning into something different right now. it's not too drastic of a change so far, and maybe it never will be, but it seems like the ragnarok is going pave the ground flat so we can all build our separate enclosures that don't include one another. it seems monumental and imminent and it's making my blood boil.
that's why this seems all the more important to me. it's just a lot of love and desire and lust and regret about to be snuffed out by time. i'm starting to hate it here. i don't live here any more and these visits keep tricking me into thinking that i do.