Nov 10, 2007 11:27
I am just fucking tired. Of everything.
When did I start getting blamed for everyone's issues. Ohh, like the day I was born, I know. But when did the Californians catch on to the trend? I've done nothing, except move my ass out here, at huge expense to my own fucking life and dreams. And I was lied to! They told us we'd be fine out here. They told us everything would be better out here. Well it's not! And I'm fucking tired of it. Wendy's financial state and mental state are not result of Jason and I moving in with her. That's a result of buying too much beer for a guy who never works...and of course, the mental problems have ALWAYS been there. No offense to my future MIL, cuz I love her, but these things happen.
And fucking Dyana! Holy shit, what the fuck happened to the cool sister "Oh I can't wait until you come back to CA! We'll go shopping and go out to clubs and see movies....blah blah blah." Now it's "Everytime you call me it's drama. I won't call you anymore. You should be paying mom's bills not your own! And you shouldn't be trying to pay for your wedding! What's wrong with you? You're so inconsiderate and selfish!"
So now Wendy is in the loony bin, and everyone is blaming everyone else for it, when in reality we all have a hand in each others sanity, which is why none of us have any! She just can't handle the stress of all her bills. We've all been getting along just fine. No bitching or anything...out of Jason and I at least. I don't know what Keith says behind closed doors. And I gave the woman $170 last week, and she refused it. Dyana bitches at us, telling us that everything would be fine if we just paid rent, and Wendy bitches about no one having any money...but I offer her money and she refuses. Where is the sense???
And now we're both just aching to go HOME. And Jason is regretting the move, which serves him right, if you ask me. He wasn't making friends, and he hated his job, so he wanted to come back to Cali. But everything in Cali is even worse, but he has a couple friends and a good job. And I love my job, but have no friends, no theatre, no school, and no family. I have not felt happy or at peace in this place since arriving. I have constant anxiety "Is the earth going to open up and swallow me whole? Is Keith going to freak out and shoot me in the head? Is Wendy going to lose everything and we wind up on the street? Is the terrible Bay area traffic going to cause my fiance to get into another horrific car crash and die?"
Already the stress is weighing so heavy on us that we had a terrible fight two days ago, and if it had gone much further, I would have left him or he would have killed himself. Sounds like a healthy relationship, I know. God help me, I wouldn't have actually left him...I just get so much more frustrated a lot quicker out here. I have no place to go. No friends or family to help me deal with this stuff. If I did, I wouldn't be in this fucking house. And if I did there wouldn't be an issue figuring out who was going to replace Dyana in the wedding party. Because there's no way I want her anywhere near our celebration. "You guys shouldn't be dancing or drinking...you should be working, so you can pay mom's bills." Oh! And maybe its a good thing I don't want her there anymore, because she gave us the worst fucking time about the date, because its a holiday weekend, and if she flew out Thursday, like everyone else in the family was going to, she'd miss a full day of pay. She wasn't going to fly out until late Friday night! For my Saturday afternoon wedding. So, no bridal shower and bachelorette party or rehearsal dinner for my bridesmaid??? What the fuck is wrong with this girl?!?! Whatever. Good fucking riddance.
I am so SO ready to go home.
california,
family,
jason