[fic] the proof's in the way it hurts
Title: the proof's in the way it hurts
Author: badboy_fangirl
Characters/Pairings: Stefan POV; Stefan/Caroline, with appearances by Damon and Elena.
Word Count: ~3400
Rating/Warnings: PG-13
Spoilers: Everything through 6x06, plus the preview for 6x07.
Summary:
Author's notes: Title lifted from Sam Smith's "I'm Not the Only One." Also, I'm not sure about this one. I think this is more what TVD would be like if it were written as situation comedy. So, I hope it works.
She just walks away. And he, he just stands there, watching her.
It's what he's done all summer. He just.
Maybe it's because Damon's back, and the world has started spinning again, or maybe it's because Stefan has been the one to walk away the last couple of times, but something about her blonde head fading away down the street seems much more final.
(Probably because he knew he wanted to mean it, but he never did, so his walking away had never had any finality to it at all.)
But whatever, it just hits him.
Hard.
Caroline's never walked away. Caroline's always been there. In his mind, even when he was ignoring her, he had known deep down, she would always be there. Loyal, to a fault. Never gives up. When he really, really wanted her to, he had known she never would.
But, now. Now, she has. Now, when he doesn't want her to. Now, when rebuilding everything in his life is not just doable, but is in fact necessary. Because he's a creature who lives forever.
Forever.
The next morning, as soon as it opens, he's at the local cell phone store getting a new phone to replace his old one. He asks the guy about accessing his old voicemails. The ones he deleted without listening to. All of the ones from Caroline.
"Oh, sure," the young, bright-red-shirt-wearing tech geek says, punching buttons that transfer all of Stefan's data from some magical Cloud in the sky into his new phone. "It's all still there. Here's how you get into that." His finger moves quickly over the screen, but then he puts the phone in front of Stefan's face. "Just hit, undelete, and Voila! You never really lose anything this way. It's genius."
Stefan thanks him, pays for the new phone, and walks outside. The town square is similar to Mystic Falls, and the ache in him for home grows, too. All of these things that he had avoided, and had convinced himself he didn't want anyway were so easily right there again, now that Damon was home.
It's a bit pathetic, he knows, that all it took was his brother coming back. He should be something more, after all these years, than the guy who can't really do anything without his big brother.
(And he is. He's the guy who can't do anything without his big brother except ruin all the other important relationships in his life. Which, when you think about it, is very ironic. Because Damon Salvatore has never made it easy for Stefan to have relationships.)
(Or, maybe that was just Stefan Salvatore.)
(Maybe it was that he'd tried living without Damon for 150 years, and really only the last three where he made it mostly work were the ones where he'd been happy.)
As he sits on a well-placed bench in the square and watches people walk by, he listens to months' worth of pleadings from Caroline, and he marvels. Not that she went through so much, not even that she confided those things to him, but that she kept coming back, time and time again. When he deserted her, when he left her with nothing to hold on to, when he failed to be there for her, even though.
Even though she would never fail him.
(She would never have failed him. If he would have let her remain.)
The ache in his chest seems deeper, wider, a chasm of infinite proportions that he can't bridge, alone, or with his brother. This is more than missing his home, or the people he's familiar with.
(The people he loves.)
This is letting them down. This is being all the things he worried for years that he was: evil, awful, terrible. This is what he never wanted to do.
(Disappoint people.)
(Disappoint himself.)
He sticks the phone in the front pocket of his hoodie and sits there, brooding. It is, after all, what Damon has always thought he did best.
Let me know when you figure out what you're gonna do to make everything up to me!
There had been too much going on since she said that to him for him to even formulate a plan. He's never been particularly creative when it comes to these things, and with Caroline, he's never needed to be. Even when he worried she would judge him, she never had.
Until now. Until he let her down so badly that she couldn't just forgive him. It wasn't even that she judged him, and he could understand that at least. It was how much he had hurt her. It was the pain in her voice in every single one of those 15 messages that he had never listened to until today.
In a way it reminded him of the day Elena broke up with him, when she told him the truth about the feelings she had for Damon being stronger, bigger than what either of them could deal with. That had hurt him, not because he didn't understand, though he'd told her (at the time) that he didn't. And maybe (at the time) he hadn't fully; what had hurt him, what had injured him to the point that he knew he couldn't be with her anymore was that whatever that feeling was for Damon was more than what she felt for him.
But it was, it had always been. The proof had come after that, in every step Damon and Elena had taken together.
And yet, through all that, there had been Caroline. Holding his hand, squeezing his shoulder, agreeing that Elena had to be nuts. She had been the definition of supportive, always and forever. Everything he'd ever needed from her, she had supplied. Without price, without return. It hadn't mattered, because in the end, it all evened out one way or another, right?
Until it hadn't anymore. Until his pain was so great, he couldn't see outside of it, even when she came and pleaded with him to his face.
You're a dick.
Of all the truths that Stefan had been forced to acknowledge and accept over those four months without Damon, it's really Caroline's opinion of him that wounds him the most. Alaric and Elena had had their thoughts and feelings on the matter, and they didn't favor him necessarily, but he could deal with that.
With Caroline, it's like a bloom of blood across his chest, where a shotgun opened him up wide. Where his soul leaked out and took flight, only to be trapped into a body that really couldn't die. Or wouldn't die. Or would die, but would return, again and again, despite everything.
He pulls his phone out, finds Caroline's name in the contacts, and starts a new text message to her. I'm sorry. Or, maybe, please forgive me.
I know I don't deserve it. But I need it anyway.
His finger hovers over the send button, but he can't push it. He sounds like Damon.
Is he Damon? To Caroline's Elena? Is he the only one who could matter so much that life without him was so difficult to comprehend?
No, because she walked away.
Because Caroline is not Elena, has never been Elena.
He's not sure when that became the reason he loves her.
Yeah, well, you know, that's the thing, Stefan. After all of this, I...I don't want to be friends anymore.
All of a sudden he's on his feet, and he's running. He pushes a different button on his phone and Damon answers a moment later. "Perfect timing, Stef. Just trying to figure out where Elena's hiding from me today. We had this great heart to heart last night, and then this morning, it's like we reset to I don't want to see you! mode. So, how can I help you?"
"Where are you?" Stefan asks as he jerks open the door of his car and jumps inside.
"Getting fitted for a tux. There's an event tonight, and invited or not, I'm going. Dances. It's one of our things."
"I need to talk to you, in person, where are you?"
Damon rattles off the address of the bridal shop that is across town from Whitmore College. As Stefan drives there, he is reduced to irony again that he's going to ask Damon for advice about girls, and of all girls, Caroline, who's thorny history with Damon has been the seat of so much contention all the years he's known her.
But, somehow, it's the perfect thing to do.
Damon's expression of disbelief unsettles Stefan.
"What?" he demands and Damon shrugs while the tailor kneels in front of him, measuring his inseam.
"I know you have this tendency to have girls for best friends, which I've never been a fan of, by the way, so maybe this is a good chance to get a bro in your life. Other than me, I mean." He waggles his eyebrows and Stefan huffs out an irritated breath.
"I don't want a new best friend, I want Caroline," Stefan says.
"Yes, I understand," Damon continues, vaguely patronizing. "But I'm suggesting an alternative route...ya feel me?"
"Damon..."
"Okay, okay," Damon holds his hands up as though calming Stefan. "Why exactly do you think I can help with this problem, anyway?"
"Because! How many assy things have you done? And I forgive you! And Elena forgives you! And Alaric forgives you! So, what do I need to do to get her to forgive me?"
Damon purses his lips and drops his eyes down to the tailor who is working impervious to their conversation, having been compelled to disregard what he hears. "Looks good, James," he says, and the man glances up, smiling. "It's a real bitch to not be able to go to your house and get all your clothes, you know," he directs at Stefan. "I think we need to get Donovan and Little Gilbert to retrieve some of our belongings, don't you?"
"Damon? Focus, please."
"Oh, god," Damon laughs, placing a hand over his stomach. "You just reminded me of her! See, you need guy friends!"
Stefan says nothing, and just stares at his brother. Damon blinks first. "Fine. Okay. An apology is one thing, but Caroline's a grand gesture kind of girl. I mean, it's always a big event with her, right? Remember Elena's 18th birthday--oh, wait, no you weren't around for that. Okay, well, how about all those dances she planned? She's into that shit. So, do something like that?"
This is not going at all the way Stefan hoped it would; though to be fair, he's not sure what he thought Damon would say that would solve his problem. "Elena," he mutters.
Damon leans forwards slightly, putting a cupped hand around his ear. "What's that, brother?"
"I need to talk to Elena. You are absolutely no help."
Stefan turns on his heel and as he hits the door, Damon shouts, "Please say nice things about me! Remind her that she loves me!"
The saddest thing in the world is when you realize that the person who would help you is the person you need help with. Who he needs is Caroline.
For now, Elena will have to do.
Elena's chewing on her thumbnail when he tracks her down in the Whitmore College Library. "Damon's not following you, is he?" she asks nervously as Stefan takes a seat across a small study table from her.
"No, he's getting fitted for tux. So he can crash your thing tonight? You told him there was a thing; it's your own fault."
Elena makes a face. "You know, I liked you better when you weren't supportive of this. Because that I do remember. When did it change?"
Stefan presses his hands flat to the table and says, "As much as I'd love to talk about my brother some more with you, I actually came here for something about me." When Elena raises her eyebrows in question, he continues. "Caroline told me she doesn't want to be friends anymore. Like, you know, she's so mad at me for all my trying to start over business that she can't forgive me."
Elena frowns. "That doesn't sound like Caroline."
Stefan inclines his head. "I hurt her, pretty badly. I ignored all her calls this summer. And there were a couple of times she really begged me to stop being so selfish, and I just didn't..."
"Oh, I know. I was there for her big speech about if even a little tiny part of you came back to check on her. You broke her heart. You really did."
"I know," Stefan says. "But I'm trying to fix it now."
"I thought about talking to you about this when we were in Savannah, but I didn't because...you just seemed so intent on this whole new life thing. And I don't know, I didn't want to betray Caroline, not when it wouldn't do any good."
"Betray Caroline how?"
Elena puts one of her hands on top his, gently. "Stefan. Caroline isn't Lexi. She's not going to be your friend for a hundred years and end up sleeping with your brother one wild weekend in 1977."
"What?" Stefan asks, dumbfounded.
Elena shakes her head. "Oh, god. I totally didn't mean to--nevermind. Just. Forget I said that. Okay. Um, so you know, Caroline just, she loves, you know? And if she said she doesn't want to be friends anymore...I would guess that means..." She trails off and raises her eyebrows again, nodding her head at Stefan like she just revealed something important.
If she did, he has no idea what it is.
At his blank stare, Elena shakes her head again. "Okay, let me try this from a different angle...you want Caroline to forgive you, for things to just go back to how they were, right?"
Stefan nods. "Yeah. I want my best friend back."
"She doesn't."
"I know, Elena. She told me that. So, I'm trying to figure out how to win her ov--"
"No, Stefan," Elena interrupts. "She doesn't want to go back to how it was. She wants it to be something different. Maybe, something more."
Elena's eyes widen ever so slightly as she stares at him, and it's a slow but sudden realization. It's the little things that add up all at once, it's the thing he's never let himself think about.
Because, you know, complicated.
He would rather have Caroline in his life in some way than ever chance it out. He remembers what it was like when Damon and Elena broke up the year before; the friendship couldn't survive. Not when the love was so big.
"No," he denies, shaking his head, dropping her gaze. "She doesn't feel that way about me. I mean, there's Matt, and Tyler...Klaus, even..."
"Stefan," Elena says softly, and he has to look back at her; there's no other choice. "There's Stefan." She squeezes her hand around his fingers. "She's amazing, Stefan. You know it. She's the girl who would do anything for you. So, what are you gonna do for her?"
He gets back into the Porsche, and fights against his primary instinct, which is to run. Far and wide, as fast as he can, away from this thing that feels like it's sitting on his chest, making it impossible to breathe.
It's the same feeling he'd had every time her name popped up on the screen of his phone. There had been this innate knowledge that if he picked it up, he would end up back in Mystic Falls County, even if he couldn't be in actual Mystic Falls, and he would probably feel better. And he couldn't do either of those things.
So, he never picked up.
He supposes now, it's obvious. If Damon and Elena couldn't be happy, neither should he. And Caroline makes him happy.
Or, rather, Caroline has the power to make him happy. The tendency even. She also kinda drives him crazy.
In a way he's never examined too closely, because that's just a dangerous road to walk down. And it took him so long to get over Elena.
I don't want to be friends anymore.
The reality is, neither does he. But being friends is safe. Being friends is easy. Being Caroline's friend means he'll always have a place in her life. Sure, he might have to hear about sex in the woods from time to time, but he can handle it.
Something new erupts under his skin at that thought. Klaus. Touching Caroline. Caroline wanting Klaus to touch her.
Enzo.
Caroline wanting to save Enzo.
God, no. He will not be okay with that. He doesn't want to hear about it, and he doesn't want to see it, and now that they saved Enzo's sorry ass, who knew what would happen.
Who knew what could happen.
He looks at his phone again, but then just tosses it into the passenger seat.
There's only one thing to do.
He finds her outside the dorms. She's talking, very animatedly, to a girl about something to do with the party that evening, and when her eyes land on him, she freezes. She watches him for a long moment as he closes the distance between them and when he draws near, she says a quick and rude goodbye to the girl, spins around, and walks away.
He hurries his pace to fall in line next to her. "What? Not gonna introduce me to your friend?"
She side-eyes him with blatant annoyance, and he puts his hand out, grabbing her elbow, pulling her to a stop. He's not Damon, and he knows it, but some part of him wishes he could be that flip, and mean it.
He's just pretending. He does that a lot.
And that's how he decides to lead. "Look, Caroline, I'm a liar," he says, and her eyes widen and her breath catches. "I'm a really good liar. I'm so good, I often fool myself. Why you'd want to be...friends with me at all is probably a valid question. And after I say my piece, you should really ask yourself that."
He squeezes her arm in his hand, gets distracted for a moment by the softness of her skin, and realizes how fucking beautiful she is. How her face has been this image in his mind's eye for such a long time, he doesn't even remember when it became so prominent. He does remember, however, the first time he saw Ivy, and how she didn't remind him at all of Caroline; it had been a relief to go to bed with her, because there was nothing there. Just a body, just a place to find some release. Just a nice girl who he didn't care if he ever saw again or not.
(He told himself of course he cared, but he really hadn't.)
"I'm sorry, Caroline. I'm sorry that I left you. I'm sorry I abandoned you. I'm sorry I never called you back. I'm sorry that you were so sad, and alone, and that you wanted to solve mysteries with me and I couldn't be bothered. I'm sorry that today is the first time I listened to any of your messages. But while I'm saying all these things I'm sorry for, I really need to tell you, thank you. Thank you for never giving up on me. And thank you for believing that I could somehow fix things for you. And thank you for taking care of Elena when I couldn't. And thank you for loving me when I clearly don't deserve any of it."
She's crying now, and Stefan doesn't pause to see if his own cheeks are wet or not, but his eyes feel moist. "And I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore, because I've been a shitty friend. And I don't think it really bodes well that I'd make a great boyfriend, but if you think it's worth a shot, I know you're worth it. And I know that I can never deserve you, but I'll try, really hard to--"
He stops talking mostly because she knocks the wind out of him when she throws herself against his chest. But also, it's hard to talk when someone's lips are on yours.
Caroline Forbes kisses Stefan Salvatore, and he sees stars, galaxies, universes.
He sees a life he never let himself dream of before.
And the pain finally recedes.
Author: badboy_fangirl
Characters/Pairings: Stefan POV; Stefan/Caroline, with appearances by Damon and Elena.
Word Count: ~3400
Rating/Warnings: PG-13
Spoilers: Everything through 6x06, plus the preview for 6x07.
Summary:
Author's notes: Title lifted from Sam Smith's "I'm Not the Only One." Also, I'm not sure about this one. I think this is more what TVD would be like if it were written as situation comedy. So, I hope it works.
She just walks away. And he, he just stands there, watching her.
It's what he's done all summer. He just.
Maybe it's because Damon's back, and the world has started spinning again, or maybe it's because Stefan has been the one to walk away the last couple of times, but something about her blonde head fading away down the street seems much more final.
(Probably because he knew he wanted to mean it, but he never did, so his walking away had never had any finality to it at all.)
But whatever, it just hits him.
Hard.
Caroline's never walked away. Caroline's always been there. In his mind, even when he was ignoring her, he had known deep down, she would always be there. Loyal, to a fault. Never gives up. When he really, really wanted her to, he had known she never would.
But, now. Now, she has. Now, when he doesn't want her to. Now, when rebuilding everything in his life is not just doable, but is in fact necessary. Because he's a creature who lives forever.
Forever.
The next morning, as soon as it opens, he's at the local cell phone store getting a new phone to replace his old one. He asks the guy about accessing his old voicemails. The ones he deleted without listening to. All of the ones from Caroline.
"Oh, sure," the young, bright-red-shirt-wearing tech geek says, punching buttons that transfer all of Stefan's data from some magical Cloud in the sky into his new phone. "It's all still there. Here's how you get into that." His finger moves quickly over the screen, but then he puts the phone in front of Stefan's face. "Just hit, undelete, and Voila! You never really lose anything this way. It's genius."
Stefan thanks him, pays for the new phone, and walks outside. The town square is similar to Mystic Falls, and the ache in him for home grows, too. All of these things that he had avoided, and had convinced himself he didn't want anyway were so easily right there again, now that Damon was home.
It's a bit pathetic, he knows, that all it took was his brother coming back. He should be something more, after all these years, than the guy who can't really do anything without his big brother.
(And he is. He's the guy who can't do anything without his big brother except ruin all the other important relationships in his life. Which, when you think about it, is very ironic. Because Damon Salvatore has never made it easy for Stefan to have relationships.)
(Or, maybe that was just Stefan Salvatore.)
(Maybe it was that he'd tried living without Damon for 150 years, and really only the last three where he made it mostly work were the ones where he'd been happy.)
As he sits on a well-placed bench in the square and watches people walk by, he listens to months' worth of pleadings from Caroline, and he marvels. Not that she went through so much, not even that she confided those things to him, but that she kept coming back, time and time again. When he deserted her, when he left her with nothing to hold on to, when he failed to be there for her, even though.
Even though she would never fail him.
(She would never have failed him. If he would have let her remain.)
The ache in his chest seems deeper, wider, a chasm of infinite proportions that he can't bridge, alone, or with his brother. This is more than missing his home, or the people he's familiar with.
(The people he loves.)
This is letting them down. This is being all the things he worried for years that he was: evil, awful, terrible. This is what he never wanted to do.
(Disappoint people.)
(Disappoint himself.)
He sticks the phone in the front pocket of his hoodie and sits there, brooding. It is, after all, what Damon has always thought he did best.
Let me know when you figure out what you're gonna do to make everything up to me!
There had been too much going on since she said that to him for him to even formulate a plan. He's never been particularly creative when it comes to these things, and with Caroline, he's never needed to be. Even when he worried she would judge him, she never had.
Until now. Until he let her down so badly that she couldn't just forgive him. It wasn't even that she judged him, and he could understand that at least. It was how much he had hurt her. It was the pain in her voice in every single one of those 15 messages that he had never listened to until today.
In a way it reminded him of the day Elena broke up with him, when she told him the truth about the feelings she had for Damon being stronger, bigger than what either of them could deal with. That had hurt him, not because he didn't understand, though he'd told her (at the time) that he didn't. And maybe (at the time) he hadn't fully; what had hurt him, what had injured him to the point that he knew he couldn't be with her anymore was that whatever that feeling was for Damon was more than what she felt for him.
But it was, it had always been. The proof had come after that, in every step Damon and Elena had taken together.
And yet, through all that, there had been Caroline. Holding his hand, squeezing his shoulder, agreeing that Elena had to be nuts. She had been the definition of supportive, always and forever. Everything he'd ever needed from her, she had supplied. Without price, without return. It hadn't mattered, because in the end, it all evened out one way or another, right?
Until it hadn't anymore. Until his pain was so great, he couldn't see outside of it, even when she came and pleaded with him to his face.
You're a dick.
Of all the truths that Stefan had been forced to acknowledge and accept over those four months without Damon, it's really Caroline's opinion of him that wounds him the most. Alaric and Elena had had their thoughts and feelings on the matter, and they didn't favor him necessarily, but he could deal with that.
With Caroline, it's like a bloom of blood across his chest, where a shotgun opened him up wide. Where his soul leaked out and took flight, only to be trapped into a body that really couldn't die. Or wouldn't die. Or would die, but would return, again and again, despite everything.
He pulls his phone out, finds Caroline's name in the contacts, and starts a new text message to her. I'm sorry. Or, maybe, please forgive me.
I know I don't deserve it. But I need it anyway.
His finger hovers over the send button, but he can't push it. He sounds like Damon.
Is he Damon? To Caroline's Elena? Is he the only one who could matter so much that life without him was so difficult to comprehend?
No, because she walked away.
Because Caroline is not Elena, has never been Elena.
He's not sure when that became the reason he loves her.
Yeah, well, you know, that's the thing, Stefan. After all of this, I...I don't want to be friends anymore.
All of a sudden he's on his feet, and he's running. He pushes a different button on his phone and Damon answers a moment later. "Perfect timing, Stef. Just trying to figure out where Elena's hiding from me today. We had this great heart to heart last night, and then this morning, it's like we reset to I don't want to see you! mode. So, how can I help you?"
"Where are you?" Stefan asks as he jerks open the door of his car and jumps inside.
"Getting fitted for a tux. There's an event tonight, and invited or not, I'm going. Dances. It's one of our things."
"I need to talk to you, in person, where are you?"
Damon rattles off the address of the bridal shop that is across town from Whitmore College. As Stefan drives there, he is reduced to irony again that he's going to ask Damon for advice about girls, and of all girls, Caroline, who's thorny history with Damon has been the seat of so much contention all the years he's known her.
But, somehow, it's the perfect thing to do.
Damon's expression of disbelief unsettles Stefan.
"What?" he demands and Damon shrugs while the tailor kneels in front of him, measuring his inseam.
"I know you have this tendency to have girls for best friends, which I've never been a fan of, by the way, so maybe this is a good chance to get a bro in your life. Other than me, I mean." He waggles his eyebrows and Stefan huffs out an irritated breath.
"I don't want a new best friend, I want Caroline," Stefan says.
"Yes, I understand," Damon continues, vaguely patronizing. "But I'm suggesting an alternative route...ya feel me?"
"Damon..."
"Okay, okay," Damon holds his hands up as though calming Stefan. "Why exactly do you think I can help with this problem, anyway?"
"Because! How many assy things have you done? And I forgive you! And Elena forgives you! And Alaric forgives you! So, what do I need to do to get her to forgive me?"
Damon purses his lips and drops his eyes down to the tailor who is working impervious to their conversation, having been compelled to disregard what he hears. "Looks good, James," he says, and the man glances up, smiling. "It's a real bitch to not be able to go to your house and get all your clothes, you know," he directs at Stefan. "I think we need to get Donovan and Little Gilbert to retrieve some of our belongings, don't you?"
"Damon? Focus, please."
"Oh, god," Damon laughs, placing a hand over his stomach. "You just reminded me of her! See, you need guy friends!"
Stefan says nothing, and just stares at his brother. Damon blinks first. "Fine. Okay. An apology is one thing, but Caroline's a grand gesture kind of girl. I mean, it's always a big event with her, right? Remember Elena's 18th birthday--oh, wait, no you weren't around for that. Okay, well, how about all those dances she planned? She's into that shit. So, do something like that?"
This is not going at all the way Stefan hoped it would; though to be fair, he's not sure what he thought Damon would say that would solve his problem. "Elena," he mutters.
Damon leans forwards slightly, putting a cupped hand around his ear. "What's that, brother?"
"I need to talk to Elena. You are absolutely no help."
Stefan turns on his heel and as he hits the door, Damon shouts, "Please say nice things about me! Remind her that she loves me!"
The saddest thing in the world is when you realize that the person who would help you is the person you need help with. Who he needs is Caroline.
For now, Elena will have to do.
Elena's chewing on her thumbnail when he tracks her down in the Whitmore College Library. "Damon's not following you, is he?" she asks nervously as Stefan takes a seat across a small study table from her.
"No, he's getting fitted for tux. So he can crash your thing tonight? You told him there was a thing; it's your own fault."
Elena makes a face. "You know, I liked you better when you weren't supportive of this. Because that I do remember. When did it change?"
Stefan presses his hands flat to the table and says, "As much as I'd love to talk about my brother some more with you, I actually came here for something about me." When Elena raises her eyebrows in question, he continues. "Caroline told me she doesn't want to be friends anymore. Like, you know, she's so mad at me for all my trying to start over business that she can't forgive me."
Elena frowns. "That doesn't sound like Caroline."
Stefan inclines his head. "I hurt her, pretty badly. I ignored all her calls this summer. And there were a couple of times she really begged me to stop being so selfish, and I just didn't..."
"Oh, I know. I was there for her big speech about if even a little tiny part of you came back to check on her. You broke her heart. You really did."
"I know," Stefan says. "But I'm trying to fix it now."
"I thought about talking to you about this when we were in Savannah, but I didn't because...you just seemed so intent on this whole new life thing. And I don't know, I didn't want to betray Caroline, not when it wouldn't do any good."
"Betray Caroline how?"
Elena puts one of her hands on top his, gently. "Stefan. Caroline isn't Lexi. She's not going to be your friend for a hundred years and end up sleeping with your brother one wild weekend in 1977."
"What?" Stefan asks, dumbfounded.
Elena shakes her head. "Oh, god. I totally didn't mean to--nevermind. Just. Forget I said that. Okay. Um, so you know, Caroline just, she loves, you know? And if she said she doesn't want to be friends anymore...I would guess that means..." She trails off and raises her eyebrows again, nodding her head at Stefan like she just revealed something important.
If she did, he has no idea what it is.
At his blank stare, Elena shakes her head again. "Okay, let me try this from a different angle...you want Caroline to forgive you, for things to just go back to how they were, right?"
Stefan nods. "Yeah. I want my best friend back."
"She doesn't."
"I know, Elena. She told me that. So, I'm trying to figure out how to win her ov--"
"No, Stefan," Elena interrupts. "She doesn't want to go back to how it was. She wants it to be something different. Maybe, something more."
Elena's eyes widen ever so slightly as she stares at him, and it's a slow but sudden realization. It's the little things that add up all at once, it's the thing he's never let himself think about.
Because, you know, complicated.
He would rather have Caroline in his life in some way than ever chance it out. He remembers what it was like when Damon and Elena broke up the year before; the friendship couldn't survive. Not when the love was so big.
"No," he denies, shaking his head, dropping her gaze. "She doesn't feel that way about me. I mean, there's Matt, and Tyler...Klaus, even..."
"Stefan," Elena says softly, and he has to look back at her; there's no other choice. "There's Stefan." She squeezes her hand around his fingers. "She's amazing, Stefan. You know it. She's the girl who would do anything for you. So, what are you gonna do for her?"
He gets back into the Porsche, and fights against his primary instinct, which is to run. Far and wide, as fast as he can, away from this thing that feels like it's sitting on his chest, making it impossible to breathe.
It's the same feeling he'd had every time her name popped up on the screen of his phone. There had been this innate knowledge that if he picked it up, he would end up back in Mystic Falls County, even if he couldn't be in actual Mystic Falls, and he would probably feel better. And he couldn't do either of those things.
So, he never picked up.
He supposes now, it's obvious. If Damon and Elena couldn't be happy, neither should he. And Caroline makes him happy.
Or, rather, Caroline has the power to make him happy. The tendency even. She also kinda drives him crazy.
In a way he's never examined too closely, because that's just a dangerous road to walk down. And it took him so long to get over Elena.
I don't want to be friends anymore.
The reality is, neither does he. But being friends is safe. Being friends is easy. Being Caroline's friend means he'll always have a place in her life. Sure, he might have to hear about sex in the woods from time to time, but he can handle it.
Something new erupts under his skin at that thought. Klaus. Touching Caroline. Caroline wanting Klaus to touch her.
Enzo.
Caroline wanting to save Enzo.
God, no. He will not be okay with that. He doesn't want to hear about it, and he doesn't want to see it, and now that they saved Enzo's sorry ass, who knew what would happen.
Who knew what could happen.
He looks at his phone again, but then just tosses it into the passenger seat.
There's only one thing to do.
He finds her outside the dorms. She's talking, very animatedly, to a girl about something to do with the party that evening, and when her eyes land on him, she freezes. She watches him for a long moment as he closes the distance between them and when he draws near, she says a quick and rude goodbye to the girl, spins around, and walks away.
He hurries his pace to fall in line next to her. "What? Not gonna introduce me to your friend?"
She side-eyes him with blatant annoyance, and he puts his hand out, grabbing her elbow, pulling her to a stop. He's not Damon, and he knows it, but some part of him wishes he could be that flip, and mean it.
He's just pretending. He does that a lot.
And that's how he decides to lead. "Look, Caroline, I'm a liar," he says, and her eyes widen and her breath catches. "I'm a really good liar. I'm so good, I often fool myself. Why you'd want to be...friends with me at all is probably a valid question. And after I say my piece, you should really ask yourself that."
He squeezes her arm in his hand, gets distracted for a moment by the softness of her skin, and realizes how fucking beautiful she is. How her face has been this image in his mind's eye for such a long time, he doesn't even remember when it became so prominent. He does remember, however, the first time he saw Ivy, and how she didn't remind him at all of Caroline; it had been a relief to go to bed with her, because there was nothing there. Just a body, just a place to find some release. Just a nice girl who he didn't care if he ever saw again or not.
(He told himself of course he cared, but he really hadn't.)
"I'm sorry, Caroline. I'm sorry that I left you. I'm sorry I abandoned you. I'm sorry I never called you back. I'm sorry that you were so sad, and alone, and that you wanted to solve mysteries with me and I couldn't be bothered. I'm sorry that today is the first time I listened to any of your messages. But while I'm saying all these things I'm sorry for, I really need to tell you, thank you. Thank you for never giving up on me. And thank you for believing that I could somehow fix things for you. And thank you for taking care of Elena when I couldn't. And thank you for loving me when I clearly don't deserve any of it."
She's crying now, and Stefan doesn't pause to see if his own cheeks are wet or not, but his eyes feel moist. "And I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore, because I've been a shitty friend. And I don't think it really bodes well that I'd make a great boyfriend, but if you think it's worth a shot, I know you're worth it. And I know that I can never deserve you, but I'll try, really hard to--"
He stops talking mostly because she knocks the wind out of him when she throws herself against his chest. But also, it's hard to talk when someone's lips are on yours.
Caroline Forbes kisses Stefan Salvatore, and he sees stars, galaxies, universes.
He sees a life he never let himself dream of before.
And the pain finally recedes.