Everyone is suffering still...
anonymous
November 22 2004, 09:50:50 UTC
(Just looking in on you...doesn't everyone need a Guardian Angel sometimes?)
So much pain and hurt...and so unfortunate when someone lashes out against the only people they can reach...even though to do such a thing is certainly unfair...and unfeeling and uncaring.
I know what it is like to be so overwhelmed by circumstances that a bottle of sleeping pills washed down by a bottle of wine looks very tempting. Bills without available money to pay them...everyone wanting what you can do but not really caring about you...realizing that you will be alone the rest of your life unless you just accept that as something inevitable, and so just enjoy whoever crosses your path instead of waiting for a meaningful embrace by someone you really care about...and who cares about you...looking in the mirror and seeing that you look a bit older each day...that it takes twice as long to do half as much.
And then to further "add insult to injury", someone stands before you who needs a hug...who so wants to be held and told everything will be all right, and I cannot even touch her, much less embrace her...partly because I could never be allowed...and partly because if I so much as gave a meaningful embrace...I would never want to release her from my arms.
So, yes, I understand...even though that might not really help you. No one can replace your Dad...he is gone. In some ways it is as simple as that. But you hold him in your thoughts...and there are those who can embrace you...who do embrace you...such warm hugs you enjoy...such caring hugs...and they do not threaten any special closeness that you might share with only one so special in your heart right now...but they keep you alive...keep you from thinking about choosing a "permanent solution to a temporary problem".
Would I say that all the work I do...all the challenges...all the burdens placed on me...do they move me closer to my own "permanent solution to a temporary problem"? I think not. If anything, they keep my mind off "sometimes feelings of hopelessness". They keep me busy so I will not miss a non-existant "family" Thanksgiving...or a Christmas without my own tree.
You keep yourself quite busy as well...do you find it helps? And the people surrounding you...so many people, so many new "friends"...does that help, or do you still feel alone in a room full of such people?
As far as your mother...the things she says sometimes...just think about how much pain lives inside her...all the pain you feel...and much more I would imagine. Is she wrong in striking out at you? Certainly. But when hate is met with hate it grows...when it is met with love and understanding...it silently shrinks away. Do you really want to hate? I don't think so. The you that I see is filled with so much love, that just walking near allows others to capture some of that and hold it inside themselves, I would think....
No, you are a lover, not a hater. That is the person you are...the person I think I know a little...just a little, but enough to consider you a friend.
(And now it is time to leave your journal to yourself...and to those whom you really wish to share it with...)
So much pain and hurt...and so unfortunate when someone lashes out against the only people they can reach...even though to do such a thing is certainly unfair...and unfeeling and uncaring.
I know what it is like to be so overwhelmed by circumstances that a bottle of sleeping pills washed down by a bottle of wine looks very tempting. Bills without available money to pay them...everyone wanting what you can do but not really caring about you...realizing that you will be alone the rest of your life unless you just accept that as something inevitable, and so just enjoy whoever crosses your path instead of waiting for a meaningful embrace by someone you really care about...and who cares about you...looking in the mirror and seeing that you look a bit older each day...that it takes twice as long to do half as much.
And then to further "add insult to injury", someone stands before you who needs a hug...who so wants to be held and told everything will be all right, and I cannot even touch her, much less embrace her...partly because I could never be allowed...and partly because if I so much as gave a meaningful embrace...I would never want to release her from my arms.
So, yes, I understand...even though that might not really help you. No one can replace your Dad...he is gone. In some ways it is as simple as that. But you hold him in your thoughts...and there are those who can embrace you...who do embrace you...such warm hugs you enjoy...such caring hugs...and they do not threaten any special closeness that you might share with only one so special in your heart right now...but they keep you alive...keep you from thinking about choosing a "permanent solution to a temporary problem".
Would I say that all the work I do...all the challenges...all the burdens placed on me...do they move me closer to my own "permanent solution to a temporary problem"? I think not. If anything, they keep my mind off "sometimes feelings of hopelessness". They keep me busy so I will not miss a non-existant "family" Thanksgiving...or a Christmas without my own tree.
You keep yourself quite busy as well...do you find it helps? And the people surrounding you...so many people, so many new "friends"...does that help, or do you still feel alone in a room full of such people?
As far as your mother...the things she says sometimes...just think about how much pain lives inside her...all the pain you feel...and much more I would imagine. Is she wrong in striking out at you? Certainly. But when hate is met with hate it grows...when it is met with love and understanding...it silently shrinks away. Do you really want to hate? I don't think so. The you that I see is filled with so much love, that just walking near allows others to capture some of that and hold it inside themselves, I would think....
No, you are a lover, not a hater. That is the person you are...the person I think I know a little...just a little, but enough to consider you a friend.
(And now it is time to leave your journal to yourself...and to those whom you really wish to share it with...)
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