Yeahno.
GATHER ‘ROUND, KIDS. GATHER ‘ROUND. YOU’RE OLD PAL HAS A RANT FOR YOU ALL. SIT DOWN AND GET COMFORTABLE. READY? OKAY.
Your profile.
Is monumentally.
Retarded.
No, seriously, it’s the dumbest thing I have ever seen.
Ever.
Only about ten per cent of it, at most, is remotely useful, and even then just barely. I hate it. It’s fucking retarded.
First of all, and here is my biggest grievance - all you cunts out there who insist on first-person profiles. Are you mentally deficient? Can you not thinking up something a little more natural if you really want me to fill it out like an introduction in front of the class or whatever? Fucking hell. I swear, if one more of you dumbshits asks how many fucking candles I have on the fucking cake I’m going to go all Bruce-Banner-on-gamma-radiation on your arses. You wanna know how many candles I, as a person, have on my fucking birthday cake? Usually about five, because that’s all it fits, and really, after you’re about twelve, having candles equal to the number of years you’ve been alive is just fucking embarrassing. But no, seriously, who introduces their age to someone by telling them how many fucking candles their cake has.
“Oh, derp, I’m John, and my cake had 43 candles this year, hurr hurr.”
FUCKING.
RIDICULOUS.
No, but, okay, seriously. Will you stop asking for light eight paragraphs on personality? It’s the fucking personality. Most people describe themselves in just a few words - “lazy but well-intentioned” or, “cynical and antisocial”. I’ve got a pretty good grasp on those characters already. I know that one is lazy, but well-intentioned, and the other is cynical and antisocial. At most, I could give you a paragraph, maybe expanding on these points, maybe giving an idea of how they react in other situations, but no more than that. So stop asking for a small essay on how they fucking act and, uh, here’s and idea, leave it to the roleplay. Honestly, I find that people often fail to write their characters true to the personality on their profile, and anyway, isn’t the idea to develop your character, so that by the theoretical end, they’re no longer that person? Fucking hell, talk about redundant anyway.
And you know why I hate writing up histories? Lots of reasons, but mostly, and let’s be honest here, they’re not very interesting. Like. Ever. And aren’t they mostly all the same. JOHN WITH 43 CANDLES WAS ABUSED AS A LITTLE KID AND MURDERED HIS PARENTS/WATCHED HIS PARENTS BE MURDERED IN FRONT OF HIM AND BECAME A BAW ORPHAN AND LED A TRAGIC LIFE BUT TURNED OUT MOSTLY OKAY AND VERY KIND / COMPLETELY PSYCHOTIC AND NOW TOUCHES LITTLE KIDS. Who cares. It’s not like we should be knowing this anyway, unless we have a previous relationship with the character. Because now Lilith the Badass Mafia Queen with sixteen candles knows about John’s past even though they grew up in separate fucking countries, just because Lilith is just sooooo hardcore.
Also, I gotta ask. Seriously, what the fuck, blood type? Star sign? Birthday? Short of a Harvest Moon roleplay, I can’t see the point of knowing the day of John’s birth. Would you like to know the exact time and how heavy he is too? Would you like to know who the doctor on call at the time was, the name of the guy who had his hands thrust up mummy’s vagina when John started coming out the wrong way? Because it’s about as relevant as the rest of it. I know zodiac and blood type is supposed to contribute to personalities, but, uh, yeah, let’s be honest here. It really doesn’t. And don’t you already have me writing you out eight paragraphs on his favourite food and whether or not he likes rainy days? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED THAT SUPERSTITIOUS BULLSHIT TOO?
So fuck you and fuck your blood type. Stop reading all those mangas if you’re gonna be like that.
But another peeve in the realm of useless information - likes and dislikes, as well as “crushes”. How many times do I have to repeat this “personality” exercise? He’s cynical and antisocial, surely from that alone you can already gleam his likes and dislikes. But oh fucking geez, how should I know what he likes and dislikes, I’ve only just made him up, you cunt-licker. Fine, here we go. John with 43 candles like slitting people’s throats and bathing in their blood, and cutting upon their chest and crawling into their insides for warmth while they’re still alive, and fluffy kittens, and making necklaces out dismembered penises. Happy? Good. AND HOW IS HE MEANT TO HAVE A CRUSH HE DOESN’T FUCKING KNOW ANYONE IN THE ROLEPLAY YET WHAT. Unless you’re talking about Lilith the fourteen-year-old drug lord, who apparently knows EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYONE EVER, in which case, fine, he’s into Lolita, let’s go for it.
But as I go even further down, this shit just gets gradually more and more ridiculous, and now I have to tell you what his pet peeves are and where his piercings are and what his shoe size is, and I’m sitting here wondering if I should be playing this character at all, because to be honest, this profile is sucking all the fun out of it. By the time I get to the end of it, I’m going to know more about my character than I think anyone, ever, wanted to know, and that’s just not what I wanted at all in this roleplay. Not even Lilith the 8-year-old sex trafficker needs to know this shit.
The worst trouble is though, the WORST FUCKING TROUBLE, is when I can’t even get to gripe about all this fucking bullshit 20-questions dumbfuckery because I can’t even UNDERSTAND THE FUCKING PROFILE because it’s BURIED IN FUCKING CODING and I’m just trying to figure out where I’m supposed to put my twelve different mandatory posting colours that makes this shit looks like a unicorn on ecstasy shat a fluorescent rainbow all over the screen, and I somehow end up with my fucking character appearance in the favourite fucking food brand section. So you know what?
Fuck this shit. A profile shouldn’t take more time to make than a fucking post. Come get me when you learn how to construct a character.
tl;dr - To quote judge_doom:
"I usually make long profiles over time after I've built up more roleplay with them. I think there should be something, just for folks who aren't familiar with your pup (especially in multifandom), but to demand something that looks like you're being vetted to become Vice President? No. A few lines should be enough to join."
B|b.
Dear Shitstorm; how ya doin'? Just to clarify: I don't disapprove of profiles. I disapprove of stupid profiles.