I'll be impressed if anyone makes it all the way through...
I can't sleep... Haven't been sleeping well. Stress, as always Sometimes I wonder what it's like to not be stressed. I suppose even then that would stress me out because I would be worried about the lack of stress. Thanks Mom! *eye roll*
I guess that sort of brings me to the point of this post. My Mother. Now, all ya'll know about my Mom, so I don't want to have to rehash all that, just know that she hasn't changed much since I've been out of HS. Lightened up a bit, but lately she's been getting tense and bitchy again. I think it might be because my sister was just down visiting.
I love my sister, but I wish she wouldn't come to visit, it just makes my life harder, and honestly, I dont want my life to be harder. This last time she came to visit with her boyfriend, and he's pretty cool and all, but it was just so hard to have them here, because everyone was bending over backwards to come and see them while they were here. And I understand. Logically, I really do understand - she's not here often, and they love my sister and want to see her while she's here. I like to think that if our roles were switched, and I were living far away, and came to visit, that they would all fall over themselves to see me as well.... but I dont actually feel that's true.
Everyone likes my sister, she's kinda hard not to like. She's a people pleaser, after all. She morphs into who you want her to be, and she doesn't ever really talk about her problems, she just listens and doesn't judge. And I'm not like that, as all you guys are well aware of. Sarah is a lot of fun, and there isnt anything she won't do - karaoke, playing games, all that stuff I usually prefer to sit out on. Sarah's always there, having a great time. And I just can't.
So yeah, people want to be around her. I get it. But it just really really hurts that I don't feel like these people who have actually, literally known me every single day of my life - who have all had a huge hand in raising me - don't love me like they love my sister. They don't care to be around me that much (though I know they like me, I would hesitate to say they love me) and won't exert themselves to spend time with me.
My Mom is a different story. With her, I think she only likes my sister better because she lives far away. I can't decide if this is better or worse than everyone else. The knowledge that simply because I'm here is the reason my mother can't even look at me some days is really killing me. I can't deal with the bullshit anymore, and it's not fair that I have to deal with it. She always treats me like everything is my fault and i'm just a huge failure at being a daughter. I mean, how do you deal with that? Logically, I'm like, duh, obviously you'll never be good enough no matter what, so don't even worry about it, it's her deal. But then there's that little girl in me who just wants to be cradled by her mommy and told that she's loved and that she's a good girl and mommy will always be there for her just wants to cry every time mommy is sad, because she can't make it better, and that makes it her fault. Then mom goes and cuddles with the dogs and never makes them feel like it's their fault, and I wonder why she never did that with sarah and I. It was always our fault. There was this time, this memory that I can’t let go of;
my sister and I were in the living room at our old house, and i was probably like 6 at the most, and we were watching tv, and I dont remember what else was going on, but all of the sudden my mom comes around the corner, and yells at us and tells us that we're worthless. and every day, I still hear that in my head. Every time I can't make my mom smile when she has a headache. every time I do something she doesn't like and she gets all silently disapproving. That's what I hear. I'm Worthless.
All this crap has come up again mostly because Zev and I are finally talking again. (Yes, this was the original reason I couldn't sleep and decided to write - I got kinda sidetracked, but whatever.)
And yes, I am so completely over the moon about that, like there's actually been hours in the days that I couldn't stop smiling because of it.
But it also brings up a lot of crap from the past.
I can't stop thinking about how i was in high school. why I was the way I was in high school, why I treated everyone (and especially Zev, who I would argue cared about me the most) like I did. Is it because of my mom? Is it convenient excuses to say that it was because I was scared? That Zev was the first person in my life (well, guy, at least, “at all” is maybe debatable. Maybe.) who seemed to love me unconditionally? That no matter what I did, still cared about me - no matter how far I pushed? That growing up, I was taught that you earned love, and if you were bad it was taken away from you?
It kind of makes sense, but somehow it feels too easy to say that, like it eases my responsibility/guilt level for what I did. It almost goes against what I feel, in that self responsibility is the most important. I'm not denying that my mom fucked me up, nor am I denying that that is a direct descent from what my grandma did. Yeah, I admit it, my grandma was the closest to evil that I've ever known. And I still wouldn't say that she did it on purpose, though I feel she should have taken a step back and realized how badly she was fucking her kids up. But I won't say she was maliciously evil - just blindly. But I refuse to say that about myself. I don't want to be blindly anything. I worry that maybe I'm just incapable of letting myself love someone without suspicion. Waiting for the day that they stop loving me.
So I keep coming back to the fact that it’s my mother’s influence and I need to work though it. But I’m so scared that I cant and that I will just drive away every guy who tries to love me. That isn’t, like, a complete jerk… but yeah. Different issues and concerns there…
Basically I don’t want to become my mother, I guess. And I am so not ever having kids, because while sometimes I do have moments where I want them, and I even tell myself that I wont make the same mistakes, I can’t bring myself to want to risk it. To tempt fate and risk making yet another person that I love hurt unimaginably.
Zev admitted last night that sometimes, even now, after not talking to me for two years, that it’s hard to be around me. I was afraid of that - I noticed that sometimes he had to actually make a visible effort to force himself to even look at me. I wanted to cry. After all he went through with sarah, and his other ex, what I did 3+ years ago still hurts him. It’s almost enough for me to tell him that he’s way better off with out me, and to do the noble thing and walk away and let the poor boy be. But then there’s that selfish part of me that wants to be around him constantly and isn’t happier anywhere else than with him, and I think about the last two years and how every day he wasn’t around hurt more. And how I got to the lowest point I had been in years, and I sat in the shower for 2 hours because I couldn’t think of a single good reason to get out, and had he not agreed to see me the next day, I don’t know what I would have done. And I think that maybe I should stick it out, and hopefully prove to him that I’m a different person, or that I at least realize I’m fucked up and am trying to change. I don’t even know how to make up what I did. Can I? I want things between us to be okay, but I really don’t know how to do that.
This is incredibly long, and now you can see why I can’t sleep, all this shit racing around my head. Well. I haven’t solved anything, but now I’ve written it down and can come back and read it later and hopefully let it go so I can sleep and go to work in the morning. And not be preoccupied with it, cus let me tell ya, it’s preoccupied me so much that it’s dangerous - seriously. It’s gotten me into a lot of trouble that I don’t feel like going into, because I’m an idiot basically, and I don’t want to talk about it. And seriously, this keyboard on my laptop is pissing me off. It keeps randomly jumping to previous sentences and typing in the middle of random words, I can’t figure out why it’s doing it, and my back hurts. So I need to go now.
I guess that sort of brings me to the point of this post. My Mother. Now, all ya'll know about my Mom, so I don't want to have to rehash all that, just know that she hasn't changed much since I've been out of HS. Lightened up a bit, but lately she's been getting tense and bitchy again. I think it might be because my sister was just down visiting.
I love my sister, but I wish she wouldn't come to visit, it just makes my life harder, and honestly, I dont want my life to be harder. This last time she came to visit with her boyfriend, and he's pretty cool and all, but it was just so hard to have them here, because everyone was bending over backwards to come and see them while they were here. And I understand. Logically, I really do understand - she's not here often, and they love my sister and want to see her while she's here. I like to think that if our roles were switched, and I were living far away, and came to visit, that they would all fall over themselves to see me as well.... but I dont actually feel that's true.
Everyone likes my sister, she's kinda hard not to like. She's a people pleaser, after all. She morphs into who you want her to be, and she doesn't ever really talk about her problems, she just listens and doesn't judge. And I'm not like that, as all you guys are well aware of. Sarah is a lot of fun, and there isnt anything she won't do - karaoke, playing games, all that stuff I usually prefer to sit out on. Sarah's always there, having a great time. And I just can't.
So yeah, people want to be around her. I get it. But it just really really hurts that I don't feel like these people who have actually, literally known me every single day of my life - who have all had a huge hand in raising me - don't love me like they love my sister. They don't care to be around me that much (though I know they like me, I would hesitate to say they love me) and won't exert themselves to spend time with me.
My Mom is a different story. With her, I think she only likes my sister better because she lives far away. I can't decide if this is better or worse than everyone else. The knowledge that simply because I'm here is the reason my mother can't even look at me some days is really killing me. I can't deal with the bullshit anymore, and it's not fair that I have to deal with it. She always treats me like everything is my fault and i'm just a huge failure at being a daughter. I mean, how do you deal with that? Logically, I'm like, duh, obviously you'll never be good enough no matter what, so don't even worry about it, it's her deal. But then there's that little girl in me who just wants to be cradled by her mommy and told that she's loved and that she's a good girl and mommy will always be there for her just wants to cry every time mommy is sad, because she can't make it better, and that makes it her fault. Then mom goes and cuddles with the dogs and never makes them feel like it's their fault, and I wonder why she never did that with sarah and I. It was always our fault. There was this time, this memory that I can’t let go of;
my sister and I were in the living room at our old house, and i was probably like 6 at the most, and we were watching tv, and I dont remember what else was going on, but all of the sudden my mom comes around the corner, and yells at us and tells us that we're worthless. and every day, I still hear that in my head. Every time I can't make my mom smile when she has a headache. every time I do something she doesn't like and she gets all silently disapproving. That's what I hear. I'm Worthless.
All this crap has come up again mostly because Zev and I are finally talking again. (Yes, this was the original reason I couldn't sleep and decided to write - I got kinda sidetracked, but whatever.)
And yes, I am so completely over the moon about that, like there's actually been hours in the days that I couldn't stop smiling because of it.
But it also brings up a lot of crap from the past.
I can't stop thinking about how i was in high school. why I was the way I was in high school, why I treated everyone (and especially Zev, who I would argue cared about me the most) like I did. Is it because of my mom? Is it convenient excuses to say that it was because I was scared? That Zev was the first person in my life (well, guy, at least, “at all” is maybe debatable. Maybe.) who seemed to love me unconditionally? That no matter what I did, still cared about me - no matter how far I pushed? That growing up, I was taught that you earned love, and if you were bad it was taken away from you?
It kind of makes sense, but somehow it feels too easy to say that, like it eases my responsibility/guilt level for what I did. It almost goes against what I feel, in that self responsibility is the most important. I'm not denying that my mom fucked me up, nor am I denying that that is a direct descent from what my grandma did. Yeah, I admit it, my grandma was the closest to evil that I've ever known. And I still wouldn't say that she did it on purpose, though I feel she should have taken a step back and realized how badly she was fucking her kids up. But I won't say she was maliciously evil - just blindly. But I refuse to say that about myself. I don't want to be blindly anything. I worry that maybe I'm just incapable of letting myself love someone without suspicion. Waiting for the day that they stop loving me.
So I keep coming back to the fact that it’s my mother’s influence and I need to work though it. But I’m so scared that I cant and that I will just drive away every guy who tries to love me. That isn’t, like, a complete jerk… but yeah. Different issues and concerns there…
Basically I don’t want to become my mother, I guess. And I am so not ever having kids, because while sometimes I do have moments where I want them, and I even tell myself that I wont make the same mistakes, I can’t bring myself to want to risk it. To tempt fate and risk making yet another person that I love hurt unimaginably.
Zev admitted last night that sometimes, even now, after not talking to me for two years, that it’s hard to be around me. I was afraid of that - I noticed that sometimes he had to actually make a visible effort to force himself to even look at me. I wanted to cry. After all he went through with sarah, and his other ex, what I did 3+ years ago still hurts him. It’s almost enough for me to tell him that he’s way better off with out me, and to do the noble thing and walk away and let the poor boy be. But then there’s that selfish part of me that wants to be around him constantly and isn’t happier anywhere else than with him, and I think about the last two years and how every day he wasn’t around hurt more. And how I got to the lowest point I had been in years, and I sat in the shower for 2 hours because I couldn’t think of a single good reason to get out, and had he not agreed to see me the next day, I don’t know what I would have done. And I think that maybe I should stick it out, and hopefully prove to him that I’m a different person, or that I at least realize I’m fucked up and am trying to change. I don’t even know how to make up what I did. Can I? I want things between us to be okay, but I really don’t know how to do that.
This is incredibly long, and now you can see why I can’t sleep, all this shit racing around my head. Well. I haven’t solved anything, but now I’ve written it down and can come back and read it later and hopefully let it go so I can sleep and go to work in the morning. And not be preoccupied with it, cus let me tell ya, it’s preoccupied me so much that it’s dangerous - seriously. It’s gotten me into a lot of trouble that I don’t feel like going into, because I’m an idiot basically, and I don’t want to talk about it. And seriously, this keyboard on my laptop is pissing me off. It keeps randomly jumping to previous sentences and typing in the middle of random words, I can’t figure out why it’s doing it, and my back hurts. So I need to go now.