Contentment
All I ever wanted
All I ever dreamed of
Everything I hoped
And all the things I prayed for
Couldn’t hold a candle to what I’ve been given--
I’ve been given what I need
A mansion on a hill
Or love like in the movies
Perfect little dreams, where no one has a problem
Instead of all those things I thought I really wanted
I’ve been given what I need.
Even when I didn’t understand
When I thought you had no heart
Thank you for rejecting my demands
And always giving me the better part
All I ever wanted
All I ever dreamed of
Everything I hoped
And all the things I prayed for
Couldn’t hold a candle to what I’ve been given--
I’ve been given what I need.
(Michael McLean)
I wasn't going to have a problem with turning 40.
Most of my friends are older
It was to be a coming of age--finally becoming mature
The beginning of living!
Four days to go and I have a sense of panic!
So I step back and try to figure out why...
And I discover that it all comes down to more of the hype that the world fills us with.
We are never supposed to feel like we have enough, like we have achieved enough, like we are CONTENT
Because then there would be no reason for us to look to the world for an answer.
If we were content, then we wouldn't need to purchase anything more, pursue desperately something we have not yet achieved.
So I look at my almost 40 years, and I ask myself honestly:
Is there anything the world could give me that I really want?
And the answer is no.
Then I get scary and probe a little deeper.
Am I spiritually content?
And I realize that this is the place where my contentment has gaps.
I have investigated and inventoried myself enough to know that I am guilt-based, which means that I can accept and embrace the Atonement for others but have trouble accepting it for myself.
That's a big problem because the only one I am ultimately responsible for is ME! The atonement only matters, in this sense, for me.
I am doing so much better accepting His love and sacrifice than I used to.
But I still have doubts as to my worth for such a sacrifice.
Are my efforts enough?
Has my life been valuable to Him?
Then I remember the words:
You are one of the ninety-and-nine
Have you any idea how brightly you shine?
You are safe in this fold
And it’s time you were told
That I know where you’ve been,
So I know where you’ll be,
Because all of your life you’ve been following Me
You are more than just one of the sands of the sea
Or just one of the ninety-and-nine
You are Mine.
I am one of the ninety-and-nine
(Michael McLean)
And that is a powerful reminder.
I have not been perfect-- He never meant for me to be.
But I have tried so hard, and it does matters to Him.
So, let it happen quietly, without fanfare or flash.
There is, really, nothing new or different to this birthday fast approaching.
Except that I am different.
I am on the cusp of contentment (Philippians 4:11-13)
And that is closer than I have ever been before.
With my hand in His, I am absolutely going to get there.