(no subject)

[bad_ass_bitch]

it finally hit home what it was to him. it wasn't a cheat althought because of his baggage those emotions did fit in. it was a turning point. steven knew that richard loved me - probably as muc as what he did. and he endured months of seeing rich hug me and kiss me and such knowing full well what was behind him on his side. i may not have meant anything, and richard didn't initaiate it, but there was enough gun powder there to be ignited by the smallest spark. it was a turning point and ryan was an innocent bystander. but it was also more that that. it was a turning point to cut out the people in his life he counted as freinds, but probably not that close a mate. ryan particuarly and prolly rich to some degree espacially after rich totally disregarded what i told him - to leave steven alone.

i can finally understand the depth of what went on there. it finally as hit me. took me long enough. no excuse for all the crap i put up with but i do get it.

and eventually ryan and rich would have stopped being his freind cos they aren't made to be ferinds forever.

today we had our first shower in a long time without fighting. and lots of littel kisses. we were both pretty tired and so didn't last as well as we normally do but it was really good sex. but after, after i cried. today, for the first time ever it stopped working for me. and it is now time to stop it. i love steven and this constant tooing and froing is not good. i need to know where i stand and i need to get over him. i need to give myself the chance.
i need to to cry anymore. then he was high and got all silly on me. i wasn't in the mod for sillyness.

i will talk to him sunday cos i am now ready.

i understand a lot but i will not be easy. i want little kisses as well as sex, i want hugs as well as caresses. and i want feeling - not just lust.

and i want to be loved - and wanted. not just for sex.

its time to stop.
i am dodging myself out on good things.