(no subject)
i take it from your lack of response to my sms I sent you, you don’t want to hear what I have to say. Sorry to send one saying ‘I have something to tell you’ - I know you hate that type of a thing with a passion, but I couldn’t sleep and I wasn’t gonna blurt it all out in a few sms’s - I just wanted you to know I wanted to talk to you, or rather communicate something to you, so I couldn’t back out later. In a sense I made a deal with myself to go thru with it and tell you.
So I’m biting the bullet and telling you anyway. It’s a bit scary to be saying all I’m gonna say - for some reason telling you everything has always scared me. I guess your just one of those people in my life - one of the ones whose thoughts mean a lot to me and thus are scary to blurt it all out to. And I’m scared of destroying anything we may have rebuilt, although I’m not sure how much that is.
Ok.
So to start.
I did what I did the other night, the night of “Head for Steven”, because I needed to know something. I needed to know within myself that this ‘stringless shagging’ was my choice as much as yours. That I chose to do it, that I wanted to do it, that I wasn’t a whore, but rather a willing partner in crime. And what better way to do it then give it all to you? And see how I felt. Don’t get me wrong, giving you head is something I generally enjoy very muchly for some reason, its just this time i had another reason too past enjoyment factor for me and you.
And the next day I felt two things. One was that i knew I wasn’t a whore or being used by you. All this, I was as much in it as you, and I wanted to do it, I chose to do it, and asked you to do it. So I came away the next day saying to myself, ‘I am not a whore. I’m young, want to do this and can’.
But I also felt something else. And this is where my problem is. The next day when i woke up, I wanted to wake you with a kiss. I wanted to pull you into my arms and cuddle you. But I knew I couldn’t. and knowing that, knowing that I couldn’t do what i wanted, it hurt me in my tummy. For the first time, I felt something I hadn’t felt quite a while with you. Feeling that feeling made me want to slap your ass hard instead but I knew that would be a rude way to wake you up so I left the room instead and chilled out in the shower.
And driving home I knew that I was now in deeper than I thought. I promised myself I would watch myself so carefully but somehow it had slipped in undetected. All those weeks I managed to keep distance, and I did it so well. All those weeks I didn’t give in to temptation to give you little hugs, and even cuddling you when we slept, I had to think twice about. But the other morning I knew that I loved you again. And knowing that I know I cant continue the way we are cos its not good for me or you, and you prolly already know it all anyway. Body language is not hard to see, no matter what the lips are saying.
So that left me with a dilemma. I know what it is I think I want, but I cant have it. So what do I want as second choice?
Here I don’t know.
I see a few options.
1. We continue cos as you said, sex is good, and a good shag is a great release. But I don’t stay over, or I sleep in the spare room. Cut back cuddles and things cos they aren’t good for keeping distance. I know we cuddled in sleep as friends, but i think we need a little more time first before we are back there.
2. we stop shagging and just hang if we feel like it.
3. we stop seeing each other all together.
I’m not sure what it is I want or what it is I need. My choice number two is not as clear as my choice number one. So this is where you come in.
I want to know how you feel about the situation. What it is you want or need. Not just a ‘fine lets stop’ cos its easier to agree with me - that is a cop out.
I’m happy to stop cos i know this has to end somewhere, but only if its what we both want. And if I know its what I need. And if you don’t wanna hang, cool too, cos I know I don’t prolly rate high on the ‘hanging scale’.
I know I don’t want to lose you completely - somewhere you mean too much, but I am happy to take space again.
I just want to know how you feel about the whole situation. Not a ‘my feet are frozen’ in response to ‘are you cool with this?’, but an answer I don’t have to second guess. ‘Set me straight’ I guess I am saying. We haven’t said a lot the last few weeks, so I guess its now time to say things. Well I know I needed to anyway. Before I got in so deep that I hurt me again. Please respond steven. And not just finding an easy way out. Actually tell me what you have been feeling and what you want. I realise I prolly asked to see you a few too many times and it wasn’t cos I wanted you back - it was cos i enjoy hanging with you and having sex with you. And it was good to be able to do that again. But i understand your need for space, prolly more post break up than ever. So I just want to know where we stand. You now know what I have been thinking. I’d like the same privilege in return if its possible. where you would like to go from here. A different path, or not one at all?
Ps. It may seem I am asking you to respond as a woman might. Sorry. I just wanna know what it is your thinking and not second guess. I want to know what it is we are doing, or gonna do. wher it is we stand
So I’m biting the bullet and telling you anyway. It’s a bit scary to be saying all I’m gonna say - for some reason telling you everything has always scared me. I guess your just one of those people in my life - one of the ones whose thoughts mean a lot to me and thus are scary to blurt it all out to. And I’m scared of destroying anything we may have rebuilt, although I’m not sure how much that is.
Ok.
So to start.
I did what I did the other night, the night of “Head for Steven”, because I needed to know something. I needed to know within myself that this ‘stringless shagging’ was my choice as much as yours. That I chose to do it, that I wanted to do it, that I wasn’t a whore, but rather a willing partner in crime. And what better way to do it then give it all to you? And see how I felt. Don’t get me wrong, giving you head is something I generally enjoy very muchly for some reason, its just this time i had another reason too past enjoyment factor for me and you.
And the next day I felt two things. One was that i knew I wasn’t a whore or being used by you. All this, I was as much in it as you, and I wanted to do it, I chose to do it, and asked you to do it. So I came away the next day saying to myself, ‘I am not a whore. I’m young, want to do this and can’.
But I also felt something else. And this is where my problem is. The next day when i woke up, I wanted to wake you with a kiss. I wanted to pull you into my arms and cuddle you. But I knew I couldn’t. and knowing that, knowing that I couldn’t do what i wanted, it hurt me in my tummy. For the first time, I felt something I hadn’t felt quite a while with you. Feeling that feeling made me want to slap your ass hard instead but I knew that would be a rude way to wake you up so I left the room instead and chilled out in the shower.
And driving home I knew that I was now in deeper than I thought. I promised myself I would watch myself so carefully but somehow it had slipped in undetected. All those weeks I managed to keep distance, and I did it so well. All those weeks I didn’t give in to temptation to give you little hugs, and even cuddling you when we slept, I had to think twice about. But the other morning I knew that I loved you again. And knowing that I know I cant continue the way we are cos its not good for me or you, and you prolly already know it all anyway. Body language is not hard to see, no matter what the lips are saying.
So that left me with a dilemma. I know what it is I think I want, but I cant have it. So what do I want as second choice?
Here I don’t know.
I see a few options.
1. We continue cos as you said, sex is good, and a good shag is a great release. But I don’t stay over, or I sleep in the spare room. Cut back cuddles and things cos they aren’t good for keeping distance. I know we cuddled in sleep as friends, but i think we need a little more time first before we are back there.
2. we stop shagging and just hang if we feel like it.
3. we stop seeing each other all together.
I’m not sure what it is I want or what it is I need. My choice number two is not as clear as my choice number one. So this is where you come in.
I want to know how you feel about the situation. What it is you want or need. Not just a ‘fine lets stop’ cos its easier to agree with me - that is a cop out.
I’m happy to stop cos i know this has to end somewhere, but only if its what we both want. And if I know its what I need. And if you don’t wanna hang, cool too, cos I know I don’t prolly rate high on the ‘hanging scale’.
I know I don’t want to lose you completely - somewhere you mean too much, but I am happy to take space again.
I just want to know how you feel about the whole situation. Not a ‘my feet are frozen’ in response to ‘are you cool with this?’, but an answer I don’t have to second guess. ‘Set me straight’ I guess I am saying. We haven’t said a lot the last few weeks, so I guess its now time to say things. Well I know I needed to anyway. Before I got in so deep that I hurt me again. Please respond steven. And not just finding an easy way out. Actually tell me what you have been feeling and what you want. I realise I prolly asked to see you a few too many times and it wasn’t cos I wanted you back - it was cos i enjoy hanging with you and having sex with you. And it was good to be able to do that again. But i understand your need for space, prolly more post break up than ever. So I just want to know where we stand. You now know what I have been thinking. I’d like the same privilege in return if its possible. where you would like to go from here. A different path, or not one at all?
Ps. It may seem I am asking you to respond as a woman might. Sorry. I just wanna know what it is your thinking and not second guess. I want to know what it is we are doing, or gonna do. wher it is we stand