Something is Missing!
So... yeah. I've said this before, but I really want to start posting here again!
Just recently someone that loooves me decided to go back and read a bunch of my old journals, which prompted me to do the same thing. Honestly, this is something that I myself haven't ever really done, so it was pretty interesting to go back and see what I had written when I wrote a journal almost daily!
It's really odd and kind of unfortunate. The past few months I've felt really disconnected and pessimistic, despite life going quite well and being quite happy. I don't really know WHY I've felt so disconnected and cynical.. but it's been something of a massive frustration for me.
Looking back and reading my old journals makes things all the more evident. I just had SOMETHING back then that I don't feel I possess now. I had a certain level of optimism and excitement that just is FLAT these days. I don't REALLY know why. My life is better than before. I am very happy. But life is also a MILLION times more complicated. Maybe part of it is these constantly complicated situations that I have never been used to?
Back when I first got involved with the fandom, everything was so new... so exciting! Its not that I feel much has changed, but I'm a LOT less naive about things than I used to be. There are aspects of the fandom that I really am not too gung-ho about, there are people in the fandom that really cross me the wrong way, and there's just a general sense of entitlement that really, really frustrates me.
Again, it's not that I'm unhappy in the least. I have a wonderful situation, and have wonderful people whom I absolutely love and care about.... I have more than I think I ever could have hoped for! Certainly didn't EXPECT! But there's still that sense of something missing. Not relationship wise, not friendship wise, not fandom wise. Just something within ME. I can just FEEL my excitement from my old entries... I can feel just how badly I wanted to communicate with everyone I possibly could, and I can honestly say I miss aspects of that feeling.
There came a point where I just needed to become harder to reach. I was so overwhelmed by all the people I was chatting with and talking with, that I actually just felt like I needed to disappear. And I did... at least I became a lot harder to reach. It all coincided with a wonderful relationship, right at the same time, so it made it easier to become very out of touch. I liked that! It was perfect timing, and a great excuse to not sit around 24\7 and chat. Granted, in retrospect, I most certainly should not have disappeared in the way that I did.. but hey... mistakes are meant to be learned from and analyzed, and believe me I have spent a lot of time doing that :)
In any case.. here I am. I just feel like my communication skills have gone down the tubes. I'm just so dry and cynical, when in the past, I was the exact opposite of that! There are a few specific instances within 2009 that I can attribute to my level of jadedness and difficulty connecting with people, but I still feel that ultimately, this type of personality is not who I really am. I've always been an upbeat positive individual, and I think that I really need to try my best to regain some of that. I can't ever go back to being so naive about things, but I most certainly should be able to recapture a part of me that I feel is missing.
Life is good. I'm exceptionally happy and pleased with things, and I have so much goodness and such -wonderful- relationships in my life. It's time I really let that happiness and positivity come back into my psyche, into my interactions with others, and into my general outlook on things. I'm tired of being grumpy and cynical, even if it's grumpy and cynical just in my own mind. Time to refine my attitude into being a little more like it used to be... just a little smarter and wiser this time.
Just recently someone that loooves me decided to go back and read a bunch of my old journals, which prompted me to do the same thing. Honestly, this is something that I myself haven't ever really done, so it was pretty interesting to go back and see what I had written when I wrote a journal almost daily!
It's really odd and kind of unfortunate. The past few months I've felt really disconnected and pessimistic, despite life going quite well and being quite happy. I don't really know WHY I've felt so disconnected and cynical.. but it's been something of a massive frustration for me.
Looking back and reading my old journals makes things all the more evident. I just had SOMETHING back then that I don't feel I possess now. I had a certain level of optimism and excitement that just is FLAT these days. I don't REALLY know why. My life is better than before. I am very happy. But life is also a MILLION times more complicated. Maybe part of it is these constantly complicated situations that I have never been used to?
Back when I first got involved with the fandom, everything was so new... so exciting! Its not that I feel much has changed, but I'm a LOT less naive about things than I used to be. There are aspects of the fandom that I really am not too gung-ho about, there are people in the fandom that really cross me the wrong way, and there's just a general sense of entitlement that really, really frustrates me.
Again, it's not that I'm unhappy in the least. I have a wonderful situation, and have wonderful people whom I absolutely love and care about.... I have more than I think I ever could have hoped for! Certainly didn't EXPECT! But there's still that sense of something missing. Not relationship wise, not friendship wise, not fandom wise. Just something within ME. I can just FEEL my excitement from my old entries... I can feel just how badly I wanted to communicate with everyone I possibly could, and I can honestly say I miss aspects of that feeling.
There came a point where I just needed to become harder to reach. I was so overwhelmed by all the people I was chatting with and talking with, that I actually just felt like I needed to disappear. And I did... at least I became a lot harder to reach. It all coincided with a wonderful relationship, right at the same time, so it made it easier to become very out of touch. I liked that! It was perfect timing, and a great excuse to not sit around 24\7 and chat. Granted, in retrospect, I most certainly should not have disappeared in the way that I did.. but hey... mistakes are meant to be learned from and analyzed, and believe me I have spent a lot of time doing that :)
In any case.. here I am. I just feel like my communication skills have gone down the tubes. I'm just so dry and cynical, when in the past, I was the exact opposite of that! There are a few specific instances within 2009 that I can attribute to my level of jadedness and difficulty connecting with people, but I still feel that ultimately, this type of personality is not who I really am. I've always been an upbeat positive individual, and I think that I really need to try my best to regain some of that. I can't ever go back to being so naive about things, but I most certainly should be able to recapture a part of me that I feel is missing.
Life is good. I'm exceptionally happy and pleased with things, and I have so much goodness and such -wonderful- relationships in my life. It's time I really let that happiness and positivity come back into my psyche, into my interactions with others, and into my general outlook on things. I'm tired of being grumpy and cynical, even if it's grumpy and cynical just in my own mind. Time to refine my attitude into being a little more like it used to be... just a little smarter and wiser this time.