"And in the dark I want to find that door and go within."

[justbeingaqueen]

Who: justbeingaqueen and couturejourno
What: All these sides of me
Where: Neuroscience Unit, Mount Sinai
When: Around the time of THISThe padded bench along the wall just along the from the water cool was probably intended to be comfort, made for lengthy periods of sitting, but to Kurt, it felt like he was sitting on a rock hard cold slab. He had his arms crossed tightly over

Comments

[couturejourno]

Leslie was terrified, if she were honest with herself. And it wasn't being terrified that Blaine wasn't going to make it nearly so much as that Kurt's resolve to stay strong would weaken with every passing day that Blaine suffered from amnesia. Her heart was broken for her friend, and seeing him hurt so much was something that was still new to her. She'd never seen him hurt before Blaine was back in his life because he'd never given her a chance. The heartache and the pain and the addictions and the sickness that had firmly planted themselves in his life were never visible to her. And now that they were, she wasn't sure how best to be there for Kurt, so she remained quiet for a short time.

With a small nod, she glanced at him, knowing full well what he meant. "Okay. I won't ask. I'm just going to stay here with you as long as you need me to. Have... Have the doctors said anything?" That was a huge question in and of itself, and Les knew full well that it would have a lot of bearing on how Kurt would come through this whole thing. The fact was, if Blaine never remembered their marriage, or worse, that he even had reunited with Kurt? There would be no coming back from the edge for him. In fact, if Leslie knew Kurt... the real Kurt... she could almost bet money that he would, instead, take a swan dive off of the edge voluntarily.

[justbeingaqueen]

"They don't know what it is. They think it's something neurological, but they need to do more tests. It... it can't be a coincidence that his mind has gone back to a time right before I came into his life again..." The paranoia was already setting in. It always came hand-in-hand with the cravings. Not just about the fact he couldn't get drugs, but about a lot of different things. Kurt was never a paranoid person in the past. He made a conscious decision to own who he was from a young age and paranoia only came when you were insecure about something. The shrinks told him it was a link to the depression and anxiety, but right now, he didn't feel like he could make it through anything without something to help get him through. It felt like it was too much to cope with and there was too much happening before he could process it and deal with it. It was Blaine himself who had been helping him take the smaller steps on the bigger things to make it through them, and now Blaine wasn't there... not really.

Blaine was hurting and it was killing him. It was like a massive burning ache was swelling up inside him and he had no way to stop it. Well, he did have a way, but he had to try and fight this. He had to try and stay strong for Blaine. The notion Blaine might not ever remember him or their marriage was terrifying him, though, and he couldn't sit still. His leg was bouncing and his arms kept fidgeting. He just wanted to hold Blaine, and he wanted to know it was all going to be okay. "I need something. I just need it. It will help me deal with this! It always does! Why doesn't anyone understand that?!"

[couturejourno]

Leslie caught on to what Kurt was getting at with his not-so-casual mention of the timing of Blaine's sudden illness and loss of memory, and she wanted to take him by the shoulders and shake him and yell at him that it wasn't his fault and somehow break through the wall she could feel going up around him so quickly. He was shutting down on them all, and she knew it. He was miserable and aching, and all the time and effort that both he and Blaine had poured into bringing him back from the hell he'd put himself through. But that wouldn't do any good, and Les knew it well, as much as she wanted to convince herself that it would. "It's just something the doctors will have to find out. They'll keep doing tests until they know something. Honey, Blaine's brain is in a bad way, and that's not anyone's fault. It's just because he's sick."

God, did she wish there was something she could say to take Kurt's mind off of getting high. But he seemed so utterly set on it that there was no knowing what the hell he might do. "It helps you for a while, honey. But what happens when it's never enough. You keep wanting more, and you fucking hurt because you want it... So you either detox and hurt like hell through that, or you keep taking more, and you die, and then what? What if Blaine comes back and he's looking for you, and you're gone like that. Kurt, I'm not trying to be a bitch. But I know what that shit feels like. It's fucking heaven when you're on it, but then it's hell, and no matter how much you get, it's never enough to get that feeling back. You're always going to be chasing the dragon, and you know that as well as I do."

[justbeingaqueen]

"He... he shouldn't be this sick. They should be getting him better. No one ever warned me of any of this. He is supposed to have the fits, and then get better. He's not supposed to get worse. I can... I... I can do it when he gets better. I know how to do that. He told me what to do! He's not supposed to forget me, he promised me he wouldn't ever leave me again! He promised he would help me, but how can he help me if he doesn't remember me?" Kurt pleaded, choking on a sob.

He looked at her, his eyes still struggling to actually hold the gaze without flicking all over the place, but he still managed to look at her briefly at her words. She was right, and he turned back to Blaine's room, rocking forward while his leg continued to bounce with the aggravation pulsing through him. What if Blaine did wake up and wanted him, needed him, and he wasn't there for him? If he was off getting trashed. What if something happened and Blaine needed him, and he wasn't there, and because he wasn't there, Blaine died? Tears of pained frustration spilled down his cheeks as he fought one of the hardest internal battles he ever had. There was even a soft whimper of struggle when his mind tried to sought through everything beyond the haze of craving and desperation he was feeling. "I-I can't... I can't do this... I don't know how to do this..."

[couturejourno]

"I know, babe. Trust me, I know." Blaine had looked so tiny (even more than usual) lying there in the bed, and part of Leslie had just wanted to reach out and give him a good shake, as if waking him might make all the difference in the world. As if somehow, physically waking him might mentally wake him, too. Something nurturing awoke in Les, something she wasn't sure she'd ever felt, as Kurt fell apart next to her like a brokenhearted child instead of the nearly-thirty year old man that he was. "Kurt, honey, we can't give up. Not yet. We have to trust that the doctors will do their jobs and find a way to help him. It's all we can do."

Her hand reached out to hold Kurt's as if to steady him a bit. "Kurt, you can. I know you can. If not for yourself, then for Blaine. He's not gone, not yet. And there's still hope that he'll be okay. But he's going to need you, baby. I know it's hard, but you have so many people here who want to help you. Please let us." She literally ached for Kurt. She'd never fallen as far into the drug world as he had, but watching someone struggling this long after being without his substance of choice was breaking her damn heart.

[justbeingaqueen]

Everything that Kurt had felt like he had regained a hold on lately was all slipping away from him again. Over and over in his mind, he was getting a replay of what happened when Blaine had woken and not remembered anything about their previous months together. It felt like everything was crashing and burning all over again and he wanted to be able to just trust what everyone was saying, but none of this made sense. No one could tell him what was wrong. If only they could tell him something he might have some sort of hope in hell of holding onto the tiny shred of rationality he had left. It was rapidly moving further and further out of his reached, and the cravings were just increasing ten-fold. He was an absolute mess, and it felt like he was torn down the middle. He wanted to stay here in case Blaine needed him, but what if Blaine never remembered him? Wouldn't it be best to just get all of this over with?

And there were those horrible thoughts back again. That he didn't want to go on, that the blackness was creeping up on him again and trying pull him down to suffocate him. There was no Blaine there to reach out and stop him from falling, because Blaine was in there seriously sick and couldn't remember anything of the beautiful things they had shared together recently. More helpless tears splashed down his cheeks and he couldn't control them anymore. When Leslie took his hand, he returned the grip probably to almost painful levels, but it was at least something he could try to use as a life-preserver right now. Finn had called Burt and taken care of all the things Kurt had been incapable of right now. Kurt was hardly aware of anything going on around him except for how much all this was engulfing him again. "I just need a little bit. That's all. Please, Les, you have to help me. I can be here for him then and I'll be able to think more clearly. It stops, you know. The hurting stops if I can just have a little bit. It's important this time. It's not like the rest of the times. I need it this time! I fucking need it! Why can't anyone understand that?! None of you want to understand! None of you fucking care what it's like for me!"

[couturejourno]

Leslie turned in her chair slightly to the side as Kurt's hand tightened around hers, wrapping her other hand around his to keep a grip on him. "Kurt, honey, I can't. You know I can't." God knew there was a part of her that wanted to, if only because it fucking hurt to see her friend in agony like this. If it were any other thing he was asking... anything, she would've given it to him. But she couldn't give him drugs. Not even the "little bit" he was asking for. Not even a joint, which honestly, she could've gone for herself at the moment. But no. She couldn't. She couldn't provide him the relief he so longed for, because it would only lead to a world of agony later, when it was gone.

Blaine needed Kurt. Of that much, Leslie was entirely certain, and her heart ached knowing that Blaine was completely unaware that the love of his life was right here with him, loving him through this whole thing, and aching all over because of the pain of it all. "I know you want it, Kurt, But you can't do this. Not to yourself, not to Blaine. I do want to understand, and God knows I care, but I can't let you do this to yourself, sweetheart, Or to Blaine. Or anyone else who loves you. You might not come out again, and Blaine can't lose you, either." Her hands still clung to his, trying to ground him in some way, and knowing that nothing she could do could truly do that. Kurt had to make that choice himself, or he would lose this fight.