"It doesn't matter if it's wrong or right, I really need you tonight."

[nickthewarbler]

Who: nickthewarbler and warble_on_jeff
What: The start of a long road
Where: Medical Unit, Mount Sinai Hospital
When: Morning after THIS
Rating: Probably innocent enough

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[warble_on_jeff]

Jeff was quietly sitting by Nick's bed when Kurt walked in. He wasn't exactly sure how Kurt had found out Nick was there, or what room he was in, but there was something in the quiet shared moment between the two other men that shook Jeff down to his very core, but in a comforting way. As Kurt left the room, Jeff's dark eyes turned back to find Nick's filling with tears. "Don't be sorry," Jeff replied quietly, shaking his head with a comforting smile. "He is right." Jeff couldn't begin to explain how freeing that realization was for them. For so long, part of him had struggled with the feeling that he was somehow supposed to be able to help more than he really could, that he was letting Nick down by not being able to do more or help more. But Nick was allowed to take his time... to work his way through all the pain of his past, and heal, and find himself again. No one could rush that process or speed it along, but Jeff would be there along the way to hold him when he felt safe in letting him do that, to listen if he wanted to talk, but above all, to love him and remind him every day, silently or with words when necessary, that he was loved and wanted and cared for.

"Nicky," he whispered, holding his hand out gently to take Nick's in his own. "I won't rush you," he promised. "But I want to be here for you... No matter what happens, or how long it takes... I'm not going to be that obnoxiously optimistic Jeff anymore, but I will be the Jeff who loves you, and will do anything he can to help you find yourself again. I promise you." He found himself quickly running over the words he'd just said in his mind and hoping that he hadn't said anything that would hurt Nick or make things worse. It had been a hard road so far in so many ways, just not knowing how things might come across to Nick one day, and then the next day, have him take the same concept very differently and get upset over it. It was going to take time, just like Kurt had said, but with the trial behind them, and Nick's freedom certain, Jeff couldn't help the tiny spark of hope deep down that things might just be okay again someday.

[nickthewarbler]

Nick barely even noticed that Kurt had a couple of burly dudes with him hovering out in the corridor that were probably security of some sort. It was so easy to forget he was international hot property and probably couldn't just go walking around a hospital alone... or anywhere really. He did wonder very fleetingly how Kurt knew, but for all Nick was aware, it could have been Puck that told him, or even Nick's own parents. They had been talking about visiting Blaine. It was probably no secret that Nick was in here, and all he could think of how relieved he was that he was in here, and not inside.

That was when it all finally hit him. He hadn't had time to absorb and process the verdict and the enormity that he was being set free when it happened. Dani fell sick and he had absolutely freaked out. But it was true. The jury found him not guilty for all the charges the prosecution had been laying on him, and in the process, gaining that verdict, he was awarded the entirety of his husband's estate... including their house, the two cars, all the money he had... everything. It was overwhelming, and Nick started to feel like he was about to have an all-out panic attack. He shook his head, pressing his lips together. "I-I can't do this. I... I don't know what... I can't... I don't know what to do!" he panicked when it all felt like so much he had to take in.

[warble_on_jeff]

Jeff could almost sense the panic in Nick before he even saw it, and he quickly moved so that he could get the other man's attention and hold it. "Nicky," he whispered, still keeping a gentle hold on Nick's hand. "Nicky, look at me. It's okay to not know what to do. There's nothing wrong with that," he assured him, following that up with gently murmured shushing sounds of comfort when no words would do what he wanted them to.

This journey was going to be far longer than the trial, or the lead up to it. All of those things had more or less set times with set goals in mind... beginning a trial, finishing a trial, bringing witnesses in, the whole nine. But there was no knowing how long it would take for Nick to finally begin to wrestle back some semblance of the person he was before he'd had everything ripped away from him, or even what that would look like. But that didn't matter nearly so much at the moment as the knowledge that at least that process could start now that the fear of incarceration wasn't in the picture anymore. "Just stay with me, okay, Nicky?"

[nickthewarbler]

Nick just held up his hand and shook his head. "I'm not freaking out." His voice was hoarse and choked, but he didn't want everyone to think that every time he got emotional or upset, he was having some sort of mental break down. He knew Jeff didn't mean anything by it, but it pissed him off that just because hew as trying to offload after the whole shock and panicking about what should come next, didn't mean he was going to fly off the mental handle. He clamped his mouth and eyes shut, turning his head up towards the ceiling a little to try and calm himself down.

"I don't want to talk to about it." Maybe that was a lie, and maybe talking about it was exactly what he needed, but he was getting a sense now that Jeff was just too close to everything to make it work. Nick didn't want Jeff to be his counsellor, he just wanted him to be his friend, and if his friend was going to think every time he talked about his ordeal, he was losing it, Nick wouldn't be able to cope with it. "What does that even fucking mean anyway, Jeff? Stay with you? Seriously? What the hell does that mean?" he finally demanded when the frustration over the whole thing kicked in. If not Jeff or some stranger therapist, who the hell else could he talk to about anything right now? Not Kurt who was just here, because he had his own worries with Blaine. And now Blaine, because he wasn't conscious. Not Dani, because she was sick, not his folks, because his mom could barely meet his eye right now without breaking down in tears of relief and heartache over dealing with hearing what her son went through. All of a sudden, Nick felt completely and utterly alone, with a horrible sensation that he had been banking so hard on being thrown in prison that he honestly had no idea what he was supposed to do next.

"I'm not mental," he eventually added in a voice that was barely audible.

[warble_on_jeff]

Jeff nodded, relief slowly sinking in. He really didn't want to be that obnoxious pain in the ass who stressed every time Nick had a moment. He was allowed to have moments, and he didn't need Jeff up in his face, making it worse by panicking himself. "I'm sorry," Jeff replied quietly, taking a deep breath to calm his own nerves.

"Nicky... You can talk to me. I didn't mean to panic." He hung his head quietly for a moment before looking back up at Nick. He'd seen him freak out so many times that his first reaction was to try to stop him, calm him down. Clearly, he hadn't had the desired effect, and he'd just pissed Nick off. "I... I'm still learning with everything, you know? I don't want to be weird and make stuff harder on you. I just want to be with you while you work through everything. I don't want you to feel alone or scared, and I know that it's going to be a while before those feelings go away... Maybe they never will completely, but if there's a shot in hell I want to be here for you while you get through it all. No rushing or pushing... Take all the time you need. I love you. With all my heart, Nicky, And I want to be here when you need me and not freak you out more. I promise to work on it."

"I know you're not," Jeff explained. "I do. Hell, maybe I'm the one who's mental. I just want to help. And I know you told me before that I can't, so I don't wanna keep bringing that up if there's nothing I can do. But I'm here, and I'll listen. And I'll try not to freak out anymore."

[nickthewarbler]

"I don't want to feel like everyone is watching me and waiting for me to have some sort of psychotic breakdown. That's how I feel right now. It's like no one understands that I'm not mental. I'm not. I'm still me. I've just... fuck... I've have the living shit beaten out of me repeatedly. I've been slammed into walls, pushed down stairs, had booze bottles smashed on me, my hands burned when he hated my cooking. Maybe I do have mental moments, but when you have to try and survive stuff like that every day, and go for ages wondering if it will be your last day on earth because it might be the one he finally snaps and puts a knife through your chest? It's a little hard to not sometimes freak out a little." Nick put his hand over his face, pretty sure by this point he was completely aware of every little fibre of his body and how exhausted and painful it was. The relief was giving way to numb resolution. It was going to take time to adjust.

He fell quiet, swallowing to wet his dry throat. "Jeff, I'm not okay. I'm far from it. Most days, I don't know who the fuck I am anymore, so I can't know how to make other people feel okay. I just need everyone to... put up with me a bit longer. If they can. If they can't, I get it. I... I'v gone it alone so long, I'll be okay..." He was cold, shivering, and he pulled the blanket a little tighter around himself like he could use it to hide under like when he was a toddler and afraid of the wind outside his between window. "I... need to go back to my house."

[warble_on_jeff]

This was the first time Jeff could remember Nick saying that, under all the fear and the heartbreak, and the scars, physical, emotional, and mental, he was still Nick. In fact, he could remember specifically talking to Nick and having him insist that he wasn't himself anymore. But thinking back to that conversation, it was one of several times Nick had been trying to push Jeff away. And maybe that as the most telling thing of all. Nick finally wasn't trying to push him away, and he wanted him to know that the Nick he loved wasn't gone... Just hiding somewhere deep inside because of everything he'd been through. As Nick recounted all the things he'd been through, and the fears he'd had to live with every day, Jeff just nodded, fighting back his tears.

He didn't speak, letting Nick work his way through what he needed to say. There were so many things, and Jeff knew that sometimes, Nick would need to just feel like he could talk and Jeff would listen without putting in his two cents in about everything. "Nicky?" he finally murmured when Nick paused to pull the blanket closer. "I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere. Like I told you before, if you need space or need some time to yourself, you can tell me, and I'll step away. I don't want to make you feel smothered or anything. But as long as you want me here, I'm staying. We'll take it as it comes, but you're not going to be alone anymore, Nicky. I can't promise you much, but I can promise you that." He was silent again when Nick's words came as a bit of a shock, but earned him a nod. "Okay. Okay, do you want me to take you? Once you're out of the hospital?"

[nickthewarbler]

"I feel like I could sleep for a month. It... it doesn't feel real..." It was more thinking out loud than anything, Nick putting his thoughts out there and realising there was just a numbness there that probably wasn't going to lift any time soon. The whole trial had become like an out-of-body experience for him as the weeks ticked over and some days, he woke up feeling like it had all just been a really horrible nightmare, including his marriage and what he did to his husband. Realising it was reality crashed him back down with a thump and he realised that could probably be a continuing thing until he got some psychological help from the trauma he had suffered. In fact, it was court-ordered and part of the entire judgement. Nick was rightfully awarded the entire of his husband's estate, awarded victim's compensation that included ongoing therapy for the affects the abuse left him, which would be officially diagnosed by a court-appointed psychologist. But he could only process one little bit at a time and take each day now.

He nodded a little, but there was no confidence in it. "I can't go alone. But I just... um... I need to face it. Somehow. I don't know how, but I do. I-I guess I need to sell the place or something. I can't live there. I always hated it. I don't know... it never felt like home. I just want to get the things that mean something to me, and then pass it over to someone else to take care of. I just need to walk away from it. I need... to resign from my job. I need... a fresh start, I guess. I just don't even know what that is supposed to mean when I can hardly think straight."

[warble_on_jeff]

"You could probably use some serious sleep," Jeff agreed quietly. If he were totally honest, he was exhausted, too. He'd slept on the couch a lot during the trial, because Nick had asked him to. It had been so emotionally draining that Nick had really struggled with letting Jeff stay close on top of everything else he had to deal with, so Jeff had given him what he asked for, but he'd never been far away. All he could think about now was taking Nick back home to the bed they shared and holding him while he slept, hopefully off and on for a few days. There was no way that exhaustion wasn't eating him alive at this point, and Jeff knew it. He knew that right now, though, the most pressing of matters was to get Nick's blood sugar and insulin regulated so that at least that part of his health would be stable, and that dealing with everything else would have to come afterward.

Jeff held Nick's hand gently in his own, brushing his thumb against the back of it. "Of course I'll go with you, Nicky. You just say the word, and I'll take you. The realtor who sold me my apartment's amazing... He might be able to sell it for you, or get you in touch with a realtor in Jersey who could. You don't have to decide anything now as far as what comes after that. One step at a time. And the first thing is getting your body healthy again."

[nickthewarbler]

Nick gave a small nod, but if he was honest, he was scared to close his eyes right now. It would probably come to it that they would sedate him to get some rest, but he wasn't ready for that yet. He was still trying to absorb everything that happened, and worrying about Dani on top of everything else. His own physical condition was in the toilet because he hadn't had the ability to take care of himself. Dani had shouldered some of that on top of everything else, just sweeping him in with taking care of Benny, but now this and Nick was worried she had stressed herself so badly, she was no physically ill. Nick knew Dani had internal issues since Benny had been born, but she had told him they had most been resolved in recent years. "I-I can't believe it's all over," he said with a choked up gasp, feeling like he was going to cry again, but he fought it back.

His hand tightened around Jeff's maybe with even a painful grip. "Will you lie here with me for a little while? I'm scared, I don't want to be alone. I hate hospitals. It's where I ended up after the bad... episodes," he said with a shake of his head. He had no idea what else he was supposed to call the times his husband beat him within an inch of his life. "I can't do any of this alone."

[warble_on_jeff]

If Jeff was still reeling with the realization that it was all over, he couldn't even begin to imagine what it must be like for Nick. Jeff had only been around for the part after the abusive fucker was dead and buried. Nick was the one who'd suffered through all of it... Every single day for however long it had been going on, and it wasn't just a trial that had ended for Nick today. It was a long, long nightmare. He wasn't out of the woods by any stretch. There was so much to work through and figure out for him now, but he wasn't being hurt anymore, and there was no question hanging over him as to whether or not he'd go to jail. This was a definite step in the right direction. "I know," Jeff replied. "I can't either, honestly." It was a lame reply, but it was the truth. Jeff was at a loss. The trial had seemed to drag on forever, but now it was finally over.

Jeff could've burst into tears himself with the relief when Nick asked him to lie down with him, but he kept it under control, instead nodding for a second before he trusted himself to speak again. "Of course I will," he said softly, taking off his shoes, a pair of flip-flops that one of their friends, Jeff couldn't even remember who at this point, had been so kind to bring him, with a bag of his own clothes from Dani's so he wouldn't be stuck in courtroom-appropriate attire all night. Once his shoes were tucked safely under the edge of the chair he'd been sitting in, Jeff moved toward the bed again, carefully crawling in and curling himself close to Nick's body. "You don't have to be alone anymore. I promise." Leaning close, he placed an ever-so-light kiss on Nick's forehead. "It's okay to be scared, but I'm not leaving you. I'm here as long as you want me to stay. I don't want you to have to do it alone."

[nickthewarbler]

Nick knew he didn't feel good. He hadn't felt good in weeks, months... years, even. But he knew his diabetes was a mess, and it was why they were giving him fluid and insulin therapy right now to start balancing everything back out again. Nick had asked how long he would be in here for, but the doctor said they would talk about it in the morning and maybe even discuss a psych consult in case Nick needed medication to deal with his anxiety or even regulating his sleep patterns. There had been other things mentioned, but Nick's head felt like mush and his mom had done most of the consulting with the doctor whilst Nick's sixteen year old little brother sat there holding Nick's hand in a vice-like grip like he wanted to hit something very hard. He was a lot like Nick had been when he was that age, but unlike Nick, Harry got their dad's height and was the quarterback at Dalton now, as well as the lead Warbler. Nick was so fucking proud of him, and yet another reason for him to try and pull through the psychological mess his husband had left him in.

He felt the tears start to escape down his temples before he even was aware they were coming again. They weren't an avalanche by any means, but just a mix of inner exhaustion and still trying to accept the fact he wasn't in jail. "Jeff..." he began so quietly that it was barely more than a whisper. "What if I never get better? What if I can't ever... give you anything?"

[warble_on_jeff]

Jeff had learned in the time since he and Nick had found each other again, that it was very important that Nick not feel trapped, and he was careful as he lay there not to let that happen. The door was on the other side of Nick from Jeff, and while the other man couldn't really run away without tearing out IVs and knocking over medical equipment, Jeff wanted him to at least know, hypothetically, that he wasn't going to force him to stay here. As soon as he was comfortably in a lying down position, a little sigh escaped him. He was pretty fucking exhausted himself, though, thank God, in good health, and the bed wasn't the most comfortable place, but lying down was a relief. He pressed his head tiredly to Nick's shoulder as they lay there in silence for a while, every one in a while letting his hand come up gently to brush the tears away from Nick's face.

The other man's voice came so softly that Jeff almost wasn't sure he'd heard his name, but he shifted so that he could see Nick's face. "Hey, listen," Jeff responded, his tone as gentle, warm, and careful as he tried to be with everything concerning Nick these days. "Nicky, listen to me, okay? I'm not here for what you can give to me or do for me. I want you to understand that above everything else. I am here because I love you, and I want you to make it through all of this, no matter what happens. I'm here because you've had to fend for yourself and feel alone for so long, and nobody should ever feel that way. Nobody. Ever. You used to take care of me all the time... You looked out for me because I was too foolish and naive to look out for myself, and I needed you. But now you need me, and I'll be damned if I'm going to walk away." Another chaste brush of his lips to Nick's temple, and Jeff added, "When you love somebody, you love them because you love them. Not because of what they do and don't give you."

[nickthewarbler]

It was a miracle for Nick not to just lie there in tears then. All those years ago when they were still at Dalton and he realised his sexuality, realised he had feelings for Jeff, this was what he wanted. It was only ever this. Sure, he had career ambitions, and wanted to go to college and be successful, but his heart had only ever wanted this. It terrified him when he came to the realisation his feelings for Jeff went way beyond that of just being BFFs and he panicked beyond belief. There was such a stigma attached to being gay back when they were teenagers, and even though Dalton had a zero-tolerance, there was always this notion that came with it that just because it was an all-boys school, everyone was gay and perving on each other in the showers. It was his insecurities and fears that caused him to ruin the best thing in his life, and from there on, his life just turned into a nightmare. The last time he could remember being truly happy was when Dani had Benny, and how cool Nick thought the whole thing was. After that, he never found his feet in life again. There always felt like there was a giant gaping hole in everything he couldn't fill, and that the sole reason he even ended up marrying his husband... just an attempt to band-aid fix all of that. It just never worked.

He could still feel the tears silently coming, trickling down his face. It might be awhile before he could stop those. "I don't feel like I... will ever have the energy to get beyond this. It's a relief I'm not in jail, but I can't seem to think beyond that. I just feel like I want to sit in the corner with my hands over my ears and wish I could go back and start all over again."

[warble_on_jeff]

Maybe it had taken Jeff longer to figure things out... Then again, it kind of always had. Nick had always rolled his eyes playfully at how indecisive Jeff was, but Jeff had always seen it more as keeping his options open. He wished like hell that he'd known back then that this was an option. But then again, if he'd known, he couldn't say he would've been ready to do the soul searching necessary to realize that he felt the same. They already caught enough flack at Dalton for being "Gay Hogwarts," and after seeing what had happened to Blaine, Jeff probably wouldn't have exactly been raring to go to get his own bisexuality out there. And that would've been assuming that he'd even known he was bi himself. Still here he was, lying next to the man he loved with his whole heart, and for Jeff, there was no looking back. Not now. Not ever. Nick was here, and he was alive, and not in jail. That was a start for Jeff, and no matter what happened, he had no intention of letting go of this man again.

"It's all going to take time," Jeff reassured him. "Maybe months, maybe even years. I'm not ever going to rush you to figure things out. We'll just take it one day at a time, Nicky. And even with time, I don't know where you're going to be, and I'm not going to make you stupid promises. I know it has to be terrifying, sweetheart. I do. I can't wrap my mind around it, and I will never understand what you've been through. And if you have to spend some days literally doing just that, I'll be here when you uncover your ears to remind you one more time that I love you. I swear to you."

[nickthewarbler]

It was hard for Nick to make sense of much of anything right now. He knew a lot of the reason he had continuously pushed Jeff away was because it could have seriously affected his trial if the prosecution got wind that he was with another guy. It could have let to accusations that Nick topped his husband to get rid of him to make way for the new guy, and very little would have been able to recover from that once the seed was planted in the jury's mind. Dani explained that it would be more than enough to develop reasonable doubt as to Nick's motives, and the case could have exploded all around them. The thing was, Nick didn't know how he felt about Jeff. He was scared of loving anyone again and he was scared of relationship, especially marriage. He rationally knew that Jeff wasn't his husband, but it was always his subconscious that got the better of him. He was still emotionally and psychologically scarred, and that very much was going to take time for him to heal from.

But for now, Jeff was the comfort and security Nick needed. For the first time since this whole mess started, Nick felt like he could begin to let Jeff closer. He couldn't promise it would be a consistent thing, and even know what it meant, but he had to start somewhere and if he could begin with building his trust for Jeff, maybe he would have more hope of recovering from all of this. "I... I know I should have gone to police years ago. I do. I don't even have a reasoning of why I let him keep doing that to me. I wanted to love him so fucking much, and I wanted to think it would get better and I would have all the things in like I always wanted. But by then, he'd gotten into my head too much, he had me terrified of his reactions. It was just all down hill from there. If I just went and had him charged with assault, I might have stopped all of this. I might still be able to have kids..."