"So, I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight."

[alittletoolegal]

Who: alittletoolegal and jewhawk
What: It's all coming back to me now
Where: Maternity Unit, Mount Sinai Hospital
When: Early ours of the morning following THIS
Rating: Probably swearing

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[jewhawk]

For a moment there, Puck wasn't sure he'd heard right, nor was he sure why there was an ultrasound photo being handed to him. It wasn't that he was thick so much as that none of this made complete sense to him. He and Dani had used protection, or so he thought, back in Vegas. There had been the litter of condom wrappers all over the floor, though if they were wasted enough to get married and not remember it, there was no telling what else they could have failed at remembering.

It was a few long moments before Puck spoke, eyes carefully studying the photo in his hand. "M... my daughter?" he stuttered, still not quite wrapping his head around it. "I... we're having..." He was stunned. They were having a baby together. Him and Dani. And this time he knew she was pregnant, albeit far later than she had known, and he'd get to be there, maybe, when the baby was born, get to have a part in her life from the beginning, get to know her...

That was, if Dani wanted him to do those things. He looked up at her, wide-eyed. "We're having a little girl? Is... Is she okay? She's not hurt, is she? Are you okay?" There had been a lot of blood in the courtroom, and Puck knew that bleeding like that during pregnancy wasn't a good thing. "You're both going to be okay, right?"

[alittletoolegal]

Dani began to tear up with a shake of her head, but she exhaled heavily and managed not to burst into tears. Her words were shaky when she spoke, though, choked up and clearly difficult to piece together, but she knew she had to and she was going to try her best. It just felt like with the court case, all she had done lately was talk and she was beyond exhausted. "No, s-she's not okay right now. Um..." She had to pause and again take some bracing breaths to try and make it through this conversation, and her hand tightened around Puck's reflexively, just needing to know he was there. "When I had Benny, I had a lot of problems. Right through the pregnancy and with the birth. It was actually a horrible time for me, but when he came, it was all worth it. It just made me want to fight more for him. I had gestational diabetes and really high blood pressure. Everytime I stood up, I kept passing out. I had something called pre-eclampsia. I ended up on bed rest for the last couple of months of the pregnancy, and Benny was premature because they had to induce him. It's part of the reason why he's so small."

A couple of tears spilled over and dripped down her cheeks. She put her hand on her stomach where there was an obvious bump now that she had been hiding behind strategic clothing cuts and jackets. "It's happening again. Same thing. Gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia... a-and because of the stress, it's weakened her. Her heart isn't as strong as it should be and I nearly lost her. Maybe an hour or so more without treatment, I would have. They're just monitoring her heart now, pumping a whole lot of stuff into me like insulin and fluids. I just... I did it for Nick. I had to do it for him."

[jewhawk]

Puck wasn't sure what made Dani hold onto his hand like that, but he held to hers just as tightly, nodding slowly as she explained to him what was going on. Their baby wasn't okay, and he was pretty sure that his heart felt like a washcloth being wrung out for all the tightness and hurt there. "I... I'm sorry I wasn't there," he said, his thumb stroking the knuckles of her hand gently, needing that connection to her more than he realized. "I wish I'd been there for you and him..."

His own tears filled his eyes as he looked at her. She told him how close she'd come to losing her, and he met her gaze reassuringly. "I know, Dani... I know you had to help Nick. B... But you could've told me. I would've helped you. I'll still help you if you'll let me. I want her to be okay... I want you to be okay." He fell quiet for a moment, looking down at the bump that was all the evidence in the world that there was another Puckerman-Lorenzi baby on the way... a baby Puck wasn't willing to lose. "Can... Can I touch your belly? Is that okay? It's not gonna... Hurt you or anything, is it?" He wasn't sure what was okay or acceptable, because she wasn't his girlfriend, and was only his wife in the legal sense, but that was his baby... his little girl inside of her belly, and he wanted to bond with his daughter every single day for the rest of his life.

[alittletoolegal]

Fear, above all else, was what was driving all of Dani's reactions and responses right now. She had spent weeks on end trying to conceal the pregnancy but with a very, very real awareness of the baby growing inside her. She had done her best to go it all alone, suffering through horrible morning sickness and exhaustion, along with the desperate worry she would go through the same stuff she did with Benny. And then all of a sudden, she was, and the doctors had told her she skimmed so close to losing the baby last night, and to face that had been one of the hardest moments of her life. She blamed herself, even if she had tried to do the right thing for Nick. She could never forgive herself if their baby died. "When... when I go home, they're probably going to put me on bed rest again. That pretty much means nothing but the occasional trip to the bathroom. It's horrible, but I have to... and I'm going to need your help with Benny. He doesn't know... I... I don't know how he's going to take it. He's always wanted a brother or sister, but I don't know how he will be in reality with everything so shaken up."

"But she... she nearly died. She was nearly gone," she continued, tearing up even more now with a soft sob, putting her other hand over her face when it all felt like it was getting too much. On top of all the physical stress and strain of the trial, she was also brimming with maternal hormones, and from her experience with Benny, they always hit her hard. She had to just sit there crying quietly for a few moments while she worked to regain her composure, and when she took her hand down again, her face was soaked with tears, and her eyes red-rimmed and puffy. She moved Puck's hand that she had a hold of to her stomach so he could feel it. "I'm not going to let you miss any of it this. I just... I-I can't promise it's going to be easy. We have to prepared for the fact she might not make it. It depends if her heart gets stronger. But it... it might not."

[jewhawk]

"Don't worry about that," Puck replied easily. "I'll do anything you need me to. Help with Benny, or with you. I want to help. I'll be with you when we tell him about her. I'll do whatever I need to do to make this as easy on you as I can and keep your stress level down. We'll take care of our kids together, Dani. Both of them, no matter what happens." The truth was, he was terrified, too. He wanted this baby. He'd only known about her for a very short time, but he wanted her more than he even knew how to express. This baby was his chance to finally get it right. To be there every step of the way, and see his child grow from the time her mother was carrying her, to the time, hopefully, Puck died as a very old man 70 years in the future.

"She didn't, though," Puck reassured her. "Shhh, Dani, she's still there. She's weak, yeah, but she's not gone." As his hand rested on Dani's bump, he looked up to meet her gaze. "Thank you for... for letting me be part of this. I want to be her daddy. And I'll do whatever I can to help you... whatever I can to try and help her make it okay." Tears flooding his own eyes with the emotion of everything, Puck leaned down over Dani's belly, and quietly whispered, "Hey... Hey, baby girl... I'm your daddy. You scared me and your mom really bad, you know. We need you to be okay, though... So just... Just keep on fighting for us... We want to get to meet you and hold you and love you for a really long time, okay?"

[alittletoolegal]

Dani tried to wipe away the tears, but more just replaced them when she did. "I need to see him. I need my baby boy. But it's the middle of the night, and he's at home in bed where he needs to be. And he's okay... they said he was okay, but I hate this. I miss him so damn much it aches like hell inside. I hate being still. I can't be still! I nearly went crazy last time. The only thing that kept me sane was feeling him there inside me and reminding me he was there so I knew why I was doing it. None of this should have happened, and I don't even know how it did. I mean, I do know, but I just... I-I swore I wouldn't make the same mistakes all over again. If I ever did this again, I wanted to be married, and in love, and doing it right. Not for me, but for Benny, and I'm terrified of this. I'm terrified of being still. I'm terrified of telling him and him getting excited if it's only all going to go horribly wrong if we lose her. I'm terrified to move in case it hurts her or makes her more sick. I'm terrified to tell Nick..." she finally ended through a ragged gasp for air, all the fears pulsing to the forefront and spilling of her. Even then, it only felt like she was scratching the surface with it.

She had to put both hands up over her mouth then, feeling herself stressing out and nearly having a panic attack about it, because she shouldn't be stressing. Her fingers pressed against her lips and the IV needle in the back of her hand her like hell, but she needed to calm down, and looked over at the readings the fetal monitor were printing out and it all seemed mostly like it had been before. It was okay, she wasn't killing their baby. But seeing herself actually looking pregnant with the bump, and Puck responding to it broke even more of something inside her, and she just started to cry like she could never stop after months of trying to hold it all together to protect everyone.

[jewhawk]

"I'll bring him to you tomorrow," Puck promised. "I can keep him out of school if you want me to. I know you miss him. This is a huge thing, but Benny's a smart little boy, and he'll cope. We'll be there for him every step of the way. We're a team in this, Dani. I know you're used to doing it all on your own, and that's largely my fault, but that's changed. I'm here, and I'm in this with you one-hundred percent. For our kids. Both of our kids, and for you." He met her gaze and held it with a quiet certainty. "I know you're not in love with me, Dani. And I know that we're getting a divorce. But I am still going to be here for you whenever you need me, if you're scared, or you feel alone... We made two babies together, two babies I love with every fiber of me, and I will never stop loving you for the amazing person you are and for being their mom. I promised you I wouldn't push you to be with me, and I'm not. But I will be here to listen if you need to talk, or stay with you if you don't want to be alone. I promise you that, Dani."

"Hey," he whispered, his tone soft and soothing. "We're gonna get through this. I don't think for a minute it's going to be easy, but we're going to make it." His hand still rested gently on her pregnant belly as he watched her. "Can... Can I help you name her and stuff? Can we name her now, or do you want to wait until she's born?"

[alittletoolegal]

As scared as Dani was about this and how everyone would react, it was at the point of no return now. She knew they had to tell Benny ASAP and before anyone else, because if he caught wind of it from someone else, it could be disastrous. He was just at that pre-teen age where he wasn't completely a kid anymore because he was a smart little cookie and had his own little bucket of feelings. Not to mention the fact he had always been observant and emotional. He knew when something wasn't right with Dani, whether it was just a case of the sniffles, or something much more serious. He hated when she was ill because he couldn't help her and stuck close to her if it ever happened. She just nodded. "I need to tell him, he needs to know. However he reacts, we just needs to brace ourselves to deal with it. It could go either way. After all the shake-ups lately, I'm just really worried this might affect him a lot more than I hope it will. Affect him really negatively. He's such a good kid. I... I wouldn't know what to if he started..." It was on the tip of her tongue to say 'Turn out how you used to be', but she didn't go there. It didn't need to be verbalised because they both knew what she was thinking. It was what she had worked so hard to prevent, and she wasn't about to start stop now.

The reality was really setting in distinctly now the trial was over. It was over, and she really was pregnant again. She really was having those scary complications, and she really had nearly just miscarried. Their baby nearly died. She was on a lot of medications at the moment and it was hard to think straight and she just looked at him in confusion for a moment. How did she feel about naming a baby that was at risk? That they could still lose? But at the end of the day, the pregnancy was so far along now, that there was no denying it was a tiny person growing in there. If something happened, she deserved to have a name an acknowledgement that she existed. "I-I guess so," she agreed quietly. "I didn't really think about it. Had so much else to think about... Benny was easy. It's family tradition to name your first born after a patriarch. Even if I bent the rules a little and gave him your name as a middle name."

[jewhawk]

"Okay. We'll come up here first thing in the morning," he said firmly. His son needed to know about his baby sister, regardless of anything else. Whether this was a perfectly healthy pregnancy, or, as it unfortunately had turned out to be, a very scary and dangerous one, Benny needed to know. It wasn't fair to have something this big happen in his family and have it hidden from him. Puck choked up slightly, remembering how Benny had mentioned to him once that he wanted a baby sister. God, he hoped that his little man's dream would come true, and that in a few months, he and Dani would be parents of a healthy baby girl as well as a healthy ten year old boy. He was afraid to hope on one hand, but on the other, he was damn afraid not to. He didn't want to give up on their daughter and lose her... It felt like he owed it to her to hold onto the hope he had. "I know. I know it's gonna be a huge thing for him, and I'm worried, too. God knows I don't want this to have a negative effect on him. I promise you I'll do whatever I can to help you with him." He felt like he was repeating that a lot, but there was some overwhelming need in him to let her know she wasn't alone this time. Her children's dad was going to be here every step of the way this time, no turning back.

Puck nodded slowly, settling into the spot beside her on the bed, but being extremely careful to avoid jostling her. He was terrified that one wrong move on his part would ruin everything, would harm the fragile life that hung in the balance inside of Dani. He was just about to start thinking of ideas for a name for their little girl when she mentioned that she'd given Benny his name as a middle name. That was new information, and he turned his eyes to meet hers quickly in surprise. "You... But I thought his middle name was Angelo," he replied, feeling a tugging at his heart that his son had carried his name all this time, had carried it even when Puck didn't know he existed... Even when Puck was lying in some rat-infested motel room with a needle still stuck in his arm, or begging at the point of tears for his dealer to just advance him until he got paid on Friday... As all those thoughts crossed his mind it hit him that much harder that he was bound and determined not to go back there again. He couldn't go back to that life. He couldn't further tarnish the name that his son carried... that the boy's mother had deemed worthy of giving him... or the blood that flowed through his veins. He couldn't, and he wouldn't, no matter how hard the cravings hit. He would live a life that he could be proud of, because he wanted his son, and now his daughter to be able to be glad that he was their dad.

[alittletoolegal]

Dani bit down on the inside of her lip to the point she could taste blood. She was terrified about revealing this to Benny, and then to Nick. It was going to change everything, and she knew Benny wanted a sibling for as long as she could remember, but when it came to the crunch, how would he cope with it? Cope with no longer being an only child, and having to make room for yet another person in his life when he had become so accustomed to it just being him and his mommy? "We just need to take it slow with him. He is a smart, smart kid, but he's also extremely emotional and in tune with people. It could go either way, we just need to be prepared."

"It is. It's also family tradition for boys to not walk away without a name sound like a law firm. Benito Noah Angelo Lorenzi. It might sound like a mouthful, but I liked how it sounded. He just thinks he's named after Noah off the Ark because the dude was cool with all the animals and got to have giraffes as pets. Hence the little musical Noah with his Ark he has on his dresser, even if he's a Jewish kid. He's never slotted specifically into any structure. I wanted him brought up as open as I could so he could make his own choices on things when he's older. I knew I could explain it to him when he was old enough. He doesn't know what your real name is. He just knew you as Puck at first. Maybe that's something you can talk to him about when you're ready?" Her hands were rested protectively over the swell of her stomach and she once again looked over at the little stream of paper being fed out of the fetal monitor to make sure the readings still looked normal and the tiny heart was still beating inside her.

[jewhawk]

"We'll get through it together," he promised her, his voice sure, though his heart wasn't. He was torn between gratefulness for what could be his chance to actually be a dad every step of the way, and fear that his daughter's life would be cut short, or that Benny wouldn't handle it well. "No matter which way it goes, we'll just have to deal with it. If it goes badly, though, Dani, I want you to try to hand the reins over to me as much as you can. I know he's your baby boy, but I don't want you to stress out anymore than you already are with the baby. I know that's going to be hard, but I'm telling you, I'll protect him the best that I can."

"Hey, Noah and the Ark works for Jewish kids, too. It was my favorite story when I was a kid, too, actually. My grandfather used to tell it to me all the time to remind me where my name came from. My middle name's Ezekiel... I don't know if I ever told you that, but I'd never stick that one on a kid. Especially not a girl. But I'd really like to be the one to tell Benny about his name." Puck's own hand rested near Dani's, as if to remind both her and their daughter that he was there, he wasn't going to go away or let this baby down as he had by failing to be around for Benny. "Do you have any family traditions about naming girls?" he asked her as his thumb gently brushed the skin of her belly.

[alittletoolegal]

Dani was terrified that the prospect of handing the reigns to anyone, not just Puck. It wasn't something she ever did easily if she could help it. She always tried to keep control of everything herself as much as she could. Being weak or vulnerable was just something she pushed aside to get the job done for her and Benny, it was so knee-jerk now to keep doing that. But even though her first pregnancy had been tough too, it was different this time. This time it wasn't just her she had to protect through it, it was her and Benny, and maybe stopping and resting was the best thing for Benny so she didn't get more sick and put herself at stupid risk. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, her life could be at risk with all of this if she wasn't careful, not just their baby's. "How do I know I can... how do I know you be able to cope?" It wasn't even a matter of trust. If she didn't trust in him not to slip in his past habits, she wouldn't have let Benny close to him in the first place. It all boiled down to trying to shield Benny from as much as she possibly could.

"He just adores animals. I don't think it's to the point he'll ever end up a vet or anything, but I think as soon as he's old enough to get his own place, he'll at least want a puppy or kitten. The zoo is one of his favourite places to visit, and he's such a smart kid that he remembers everything about all the animals you learn on those little plaques in front of the displays. He blows me away some days," she said, getting a little teary from a mix of hormones and emotions as she thought about how proud of their son she was. "No, no traditions. I was named after my paternal grandmother, but my older sister who passed away was named after my maternal one. It was a Jewish name, so I guess it's sort of a tradition. Mom would love if I picked a Jewish name to follow that tradition."

[jewhawk]

Puck took one of Dani's hands in both of his, thumbs brushing the back of her hand gently with all the tenderness due the mother of a man's children, on top of that of a man who was just very much in love. She didn't feel the same, but that didn't deter the feelings in Puck's heart. He loved her deeply, and maybe a part of him always had. He could remember a night many years ago, before their whole group had fallen apart in the very early part of his relationship with Dani, when Blaine had looked at him while Dani and Kurt were talking, and told him that she was different... That it was plainly obvious all over Puck's face that Dani wasn't like the other girls to him. He'd never out and out admitted he was in love with her, and maybe, in some ways, he'd been too immature to really understand love then. But he did know that he loved her now more than ever before, and he loved the family that they'd created together, regardless of how it had happened. "Because Benny is my whole world, Dani. Benny, and now our little girl. And whether you feel the same about me or not, so are you. I'm not pushing you, and I respect what you said to me before, but all three of you? You're my family, and I will do anything within my power to protect you, and to make this as stress free as possible."

"He blew me away telling me about the stuff he read about the animals after we'd been to the zoo that day with Blaine and Ellie. He did remember all of it, and he was so excited about it. I loved getting to go with him. One of the first conversations we had was about our favorite zoo animals. It was awesome." He smiled at that memory as his hand still kept it's spot, resting on Dani's belly. "I'd love giving her a Jewish name, too," he replied, glancing around the room. "Are they gonna come in here like gangbusters if I take out my phone to look up names on?"