"When the world has brought you down to your knees..."

[meandmyrockstar]

Who? live4themoment and meandmyrockstar
What? I'll be there for you.
When? The late afternoon after Jack's put in a room.
Where? Mt. Sinai Hospital
Rating: Probably pretty safe... There may be swearing

Comments

[live4themoment]

Jack gave a nod, careful to not get too overenthusiastic with it, because his head had that exploding feeling to it. They had given him some pain medication, but it hadn't quite gotten to the place where it was working yet. He was hit with a sudden wave of self-conciousness but there wasn't a lot he could do. He looked like shit. He didn't even need to see himself in a mirror to know that, because he always looked shit after the attacks like this. It put his body through the ringer and he was just glad he was finally in a bed where he could rest, and it was in a private room that was quiet and not to brightly lit. It was even looking a little grim with a huge bunch of flowers and a stuffed dragon Amelia had brought him. He had appreciated it beyond belief too, and hopefully he would be able to express that more to his sister later when he wasn't feeling like his head had been run over by a train.

But Amelia had gone for coffee now, and Jack was being treated the best he can until any tests results came back. "Take a seat..." he murmured quietly, but gesturing to the chair wasn't even that successful. His hand was shaking and he couldn't really feel it much so it just sort of dropped back down to his side. Fuck, he hated this. He hated when his body betrayed him and he had no battle to fight it.

[meandmyrockstar]

As she moved closer to Jack, Mandy could see how sick he looked. It was pretty full-on seeing him like that when the last time she'd seen him had been the weekend when he'd been more or less fine, just really tired. It was like a night and day difference. She took the seat Jack offered her, turning to look at him with concern. For a moment she wasn't entirely sure what to say. It was different when it was Blaine, because they'd been friends for a long time, and Mandy knew the specifics of his condition and what he needed from her when he had a fit, and in the aftermath. Jack's condition, while it had some symptoms in common, was not the same, and Mandy hadn't known him nearly long enough to know the best things to do and say.

Asking if he was okay would be stupid, because clearly, he wasn't okay. In the end, the first thing she asked was, "When did you start feeling bad, love?"

[live4themoment]

"Few days ago," Jack told her and gave a weak shrug. "Sometimes it never turns into anything. I refuse to live my life on a ticking time bomb, so there you have it. It's near impossible to tell the difference between being run down or sick." He had a quick glance down at himself. There was nothing about being in hospital that was attractive. The gowns looked as bad as they felt, but he had no room for protests. He was just glad he had a private room, and glad that, if he had embarrassed himself when he blacked out, no one had told him about it. There was a distinct chance of it, though, because when he came-to more lucidly in the ER, they had already changed from his clothes to a gown and Amelia had already taken his stuff home, promising she would bring it all back for him but wanted to get him stuff more appropriate for hospital in the meantime.

It was just strange for Jack to have his sister on the case this time, and not Leslie. And now, to have Mandy here too. It was a lot to process when his head felt like it was full of cotton wool. "Sorry, I only vaguely remember texting you. That doesn't mean I don't want you here. My short-term memory is just one of the things that goes when I'm like this. Don't take it personally if I don't remember things you say or ask you questions you've already answered. Leslie says it's CRAFT disease. Cant Remember a Fucking Thing."

[meandmyrockstar]

"That's totally understandable," Mandy replied gently, her voice soft, more out of habit when Blaine was sick than anything. She didn't want to make Jack feel worse by any means, and she got the feeling her usual loud, out there self would be more than he might really want to handle right now. "You can't just wait around to get sick... Well, I suppose there are some who would, but it doesn't sound like a good way to live to me." Her blue eyes glanced over Jack's tired face, and she shook her head. God, he looked so weak and exhausted, and she hated it for him. He was truly a sweetheart of a guy. He didn't deserve this. There wasn't really anyone Mandy could think of who did deserve it, but least of all this sweetheart of a guy.

"It's okay, love," she assured him, moving just a little closer, resting her hand gently on his arm without even realizing she was doing it. "I kick ass at remembering stuff for Blaine, but when it comes to day-to-day life, I can't remember a fucking thing most of the time, and I don't even have a good reason." She offered him a small smile as she watched him. "Is there anything I can get for you? I know Amelia's probably got it under control in kick-ass sister mode."

[live4themoment]

"Lucky bastards to take life so selfishly for granted," Jack murmured with a small scrunch of his nose. He knew what it was like to have his entire life revolving around an illness, and how all-encompassing it was on absolutely everything. He had no idea why anyone would choose to be like or want to be continuously sick. He spent his days wishing he wasn't. Not wishing it on anyone else by any means, but wishing it just wasn't him. Mostly he could be proactive about it, but days like this, he would give anything to be healthy and not stuck in a hospital bed again feeling sick and miserable.

The pain was just thrumming through him, and he was annoyed he couldn't string a sentence together without slurring. He tried to wet his lips like it was an attempt to get them to form the words better, but it was mostly a fruitless act. "No. No, seriously. Look, I know when someone lands in hospital, it's knee-jerk for everyone to offer to do shit, or bring shit, but I can never think of anything I need or want. I do this so fucking much, it's just second nature. And I apologise. I know this is awkward, and I have no idea what we're supposed to talk about. Small-talk probably generally evades me. I don't even know what the weather is like. I barely remember getting up and dressing myself this morning."

[meandmyrockstar]

"Some people have no idea what the bloody hell they have right in front of them... They're too busy fighting for attention." She had to listen carefully to understand Jack's words, but she was managing to make most of it out. It was like he'd told her. She could understand why people who didn't know what was going on might think he was drunk or something from the way he spoke.

"there's really no need for you to apologize, sweetheart," she assured him, patting his arm gently. "The weather's a bit on the chilly side, but that's beside the point. I'm not here to talk about the weather. I know I can't make you feel better, but I just wanted to be here. Small-talks a bit overrated anyway." With a warm smile, she gave his arm a little squeeze. "I'm pretty sure you and I made it past the small talk stage on the first not-date date thing... Whatever that was." She shook her head. "I'm here for you, love, so don't feel like you need to entertain." A small smile crossed her lips as she stood there next to him.

[live4themoment]

Jack just blinked tired and nodded. "Explains why I'm not friends with anyone like that. I would probably want to smack the shit out of them on at least a daily basis, and I'm not a violent person. I just couldn't stand to be around that shit. It's hard enough living it without moaning about it all the time. Moaning won't get you anywhere, nor will being an attention-seeking jerk. As tempting as it is..." Very tempting some days. What good did whining do, though? People never knew what to say in response to it, it wasn't going to fix things. Jack had only been sixteen when he was diagnosed with MS and it took many months for him to come to terms with it. He liked to think he was a better person for coming through the diagnosis with strength, but some days, it did just drag him down and he felt depressed that he would never have a normal life. Again, though, it was just yet another one of the many symptoms he could be laden with.

"You can take a seat if you want. You don't have to, please don't feel you have to. It's boring here, and people are going to be coming and going, poking and prodding me. Hospitals suck. Nothing will ever change that. I just... honestly don't know how long I'll be here. I... can't actually feel my legs right now," he admitted, sucking in a small breath. Every time that happened, he started to get worried he would exit the hospital in a wheelchair. Every time, it was a chance.

[meandmyrockstar]

"I wouldn't blame you if you did, and I'd probably help you with it, to be honest. Never understood the need some wanks had to try to get attention by faking sickness or trying to blow some stupid wee thing out of proportion... 'I've got a cold, I'm bloody dying!' or something like that. It's especially crap when there are people you care about around you who really do have serious illnesses and those people are being fucksticks about whatever imagined thing they've come up with that week. I've known people like that in the past, and how I didn't kill them, I'll never know." She took a deep breath, slowing herself down. Mandy was quite the feisty bitch when it came to people being assholes, especially about things like this.

She smiled at him warmly and pulled the chair up close to his bed so she could stay close by while she sat. "Sweetheart, if I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be. I mean... I don't want to be here in the sense that I'm sorry you're feeling bad, but I do want to be here for you." And then it was out that Jack couldn't feel his legs, and Mandy honestly didn't know what to say to that. It had to be terrifying. Was that something that was reversible, or was it something that could be permanent? She didn't know entirely how permanent damages from MS attacks could be, but she could only imagine how that must make Jack feel. Swallowing hard, she looked at him. "Has... Has that happened before?"

[live4themoment]

Jack just shook his head with a tired sigh. "Yeah, I don't get it. I hardly even like talking about it when I do have it. But then, I've never much liked talking about myself. And I heard that Blaine hasn't been doing well again. It must be something in the fucking water. Poor dude."

He looked down the length of the bed at his legs and shrugged a little. "Once or twice before. During the really bad ones where I was sick for months." It wasn't really something he wanted to admit to her, or even to himself, but being deluded was only going to set himself up for disappointment. He had to face reality. These sorts of symptoms generally meant it wasn't just going to be a passing attack. It could take him down for months, and he was pissed off about it. He had so many jobs booked, especially in the wake of the Kurt and Blaine photo breaking that he took. Now he would have to cancel them all, especially considering it was coming into summer and the heat could make him sicker. "Every time this happens, there's a chance it could be permanent."

[meandmyrockstar]

"You know... You're far more interesting than most of the guys I've known in the past, and yet you don't like talking about yourself... The boring ones love to go on at length about their presumed awesomeness." She remembered in particular a guy she'd gone out with once who'd carried on about his high school job in a supermarket, and his dog. She'd been bored to tears and had never called him again. Shaking her head, "No, he hasn't. He was doing a bit better for a while there, but it's kicked in in full force, and he had an awful fit. He's still recuperating himself."

When Jack admitted that this was usually a lead up to being really sick, and that the numbness in his legs could be permanent, Mandy tried like hell to imagine it, and it broke her heart. To imagine going through this over and over again, and never knowing when might be the time that something was worse than before? It was horrible. Mandy knew the feeling of watching it in Blaine, and now watching it in an even more present sense in Jack was just as heartbreaking. "I did some research on MS, but there's a lot I still don't know... Like how they treat it when you've had an attack and stuff like that. But I've still got a lot of reading to do... The thing about being a PA is it seriously limits your time to read what you want to read. Too busy keeping up with what's going on worldwide in reference to your boss. Which I love, and I wouldn't have it any other way, but... I'm not exactly a walking plethora of information."

[live4themoment]

Jackson raised his eyebrows a little. "You work for a rockstar, who's now married to one of the biggest designers in the world. You're moving up in the world from boring guys it seems. There's not a whole lot about myself I feel like talking about much, so it suits me. Amelia said Kurt's been worried, but it was bad. Blaine's been out of it. It sucks. I wouldn't wish stuff like that on anyone."

"Um," he began with a rub of his hand over his face while he worked to try and get his brain working a little. It wouldn't cooperate much, but he had been in this boat so many times, it did retain in his memory. He uncurled the IV line where it was hooked under his elbow and then rested his head against the pillow for a little bit when a wave of lethargy overcame him. "Steroids. That's how they treat the attacks. Something called Methylprednisone. They'll put me on a drip of that for about five days straight. It's what they call an immunosuppressant, and stops the inflammation response in the affected parts of the brain, neuro-system... whatever. When that flares up, it causes the attacks, and when the attacks happen, they can cause more permanent lesions on the frontal lobe of my brain. That's what they find when they diagnose MS. It's those lesions that fucked up the normal body responses and cause the symptoms. When there is a flare up, the whole body can be affected. Now it's just a matter of waiting until after the medication to see if it relieved the inflammation and that's just causing the problems, or if there are additional lesions I could be stuck with. If there are more, I'll have more permanent problems, like my legs for example. We just need to hope there aren't more of those lesions... they'll check by an MRI when everything settles. Unfortunately, the fucking stuff can make me feel sicker than the MS for the days I have it. I hate it, and it feels like ice cold water being fed into my veins."

[meandmyrockstar]

"That's different, though," Mandy explained. "That's family, more or less at least. A very talented family, but family nonetheless. But the guys I've gone out with or tried to, at least, for the most part have been pretty full of their own self-importance, and ended up being bloody boring. Well, you're a sweet guy, and ridiculously talented behind a camera, so there's at least that you could talk about, right? It has been. The worse the fits are, the more time it seems to take him to get over it. His brain has to sort of catch itself back up, and then there's the physical side of any hurt he may have done while he was having the fit."

"That sounds... Fucking awful," Mandy finally said, for lack of a better way to describe it. She swallowed against the lump that was just starting to form in her throat. What the hell kind of higher power, or fate, or karma, or whatever allowed a guy as sweet as Jack to live with the constant possibility that something like paralysis could happen to him. She watched his tired face. "I hope it's all just temporary," she added, though it sounded lame, even as she said it."How long does it usually take before they can tell by the MRI? Is it usually right after the steroids, or not until you're feeling better?" Pausing, it hit her that he might really not want to talk about this, and she added, "If I'm being overly nosy, I'll shut up, and we can talk about something else. I'm sure you'd much rather not have to explain this right now. It's just... I want to understand it better... So I know what's going on."

[live4themoment]

Jack gave a slight shrug. "I haven't dated in ages. Years. A few bad experiences, and I just gave up bothering. And I would say yes to that, but the sort of work I do is hushed until it releases, so I can't really talk about it. It's all in contracts. You leak a designers latest line prematurely, and you'll never work in this universe again. It's a cutthroat industry." He nodded. "When Blaine wasn't doing so good the night Leslie interviewed them, he was really out of it after the fact. He and I spoke, but I could see it was a struggle for him to even just get his mind working."

"It's not fun," he confirmed. He didn't actually know for sure how he felt talking about this to someone who was mostly a stranger. Leslie knew just about everything, and all the good, the bad and the ugly that came from when he fell sick. He knew he had to let Amelia in on that too, even if that was a process in itself. He just was not used to letting new people close to him when he was like this because it embarrassed him. He did know there was no reason to be embarrassed because people were worried about him and wanted to help, but they were hang ups he had for a long time, and he could never shake the self-consciousness that came when he was at his worst. His body completely betrayed him and there was no way he could feel attractive or interesting when he could barely get his words out easily or his most basic of bodily functions were failing him. "I don't know. It's different every time. It's a process. That's why they put me in this ward, so they can poke and prod me and neurologically monitor everything going on to see if it's just another hitch in the road, or it's going to leave more permanent damage."

[meandmyrockstar]

There was a feeling for Mandy that she honestly had no idea what this was between them. The last time she'd seriously dated someone, it had been her high school sweetheart, and that had ended by her choice. There had never been anything wrong with the guy, but she just hadn't been in a place where she was ready for something like that. That was years ago now, almost so long that it was hard to believe sometimes that it had been her. "I know you probably get told all the time that maybe you just didn't try dating the right girl, and it probably drives you crazy, but let Blaine around you long enough, he'll constantly remind you how amazing love is, and how you should never give up on it." She smiled faintly. "He's never been that sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll kind of rocker. He hates drugs, and he's never cared all that much for the idea of sex with someone who wasn't Kurt. His brain literally just short circuits, so it's like the wiring has to repair itself every time."

"It doesn't look it, love," she replied softly, giving his arm a pat. "I've got everything crossed it's just a bump in the road for you." It was hard to imagine the concept that you never knew when your brain might turn in on itself and just paralyze you one day for no reason other than that some stupid illness had decided to wreak havoc on you. Some illness that couldn't be cured, and could only have its symptoms treated at times. There was a hell of a lot of discrepancy between the best case and worst case scenarios, and Mandy's heart hurt for Jack, lying there in the bed and not knowing which was coming. "At least with that Scotsman blood you've got running through your veins, there's no question there's a fighter in you."

[live4themoment]

"I've tried medicinal marijuana in the past. Free ride to get high, but fuck, it worked a little, but just ended up getting nauseated and hungover when it wore off. For all the drugs they shove into me for this thing, I don't think I'm much of a fan myself. Side effects suck, and I can't even remember the last time I was drunk but I do know that was a total disaster too. I'm a buzzkill on all those fronts. Sure you still want to bother hanging out with me?" Maybe it was only half a joke. It was the truth, though. Jack couldn't indulge in a lot of things people would call recreational activities. Or, he could, but he would pay for it tenfold later and it just wasn't worth it, as far as he was concerned. "I'm thinking Blaine's probably in the same sort of boat. You're on regular meds, mixing it with anything beyond a Diet Coke can just suck. Plus, he's probably not even allowed much caffeine. That's an epilepsy trigger. I know, they cut it out of my diet when they thought it was what might be wrong with me."

He gave her a slight smirk at this, though it didn't quite eventuate and turned into more of a grimace. "Pretty sure William Wallace didn't have MS, or Scotland would probably be annihilated right now." He was thirsty, and without really thinking about it - stupidly - reached to pick up the cup of water they left on the table beside the bed for him. He didn't even manage to get any sort of hold on it, and promptly spilt the whole thing all over his front and lap, the cup bouncing off the bed and onto the floor. After a moment of shock at being doused in water, Jack just dropped his head back onto his pillow in frustration, swearing harshly at himself for being an idiot. This right here were the things he hated the most about this, in losing the most basic of functions. And having an audience? He just wanted to cry.

[meandmyrockstar]

"Oh, God, I hate weed," Mandy replied. "Whoever told me that it was way better than drinking, and I wouldn't get a hangover was a lying bastard and I wish him a lifetime of weed hangovers, each worse than the last. It was just as bad as an alcohol hangover, in my opinion. I've never done anything stronger than weed, though. Losing the job of my dreams really wasn't worth it to me." She smiled at him with a small shake of her head. "Yes, darling. I'm sure. Absolutely sure." Sure, Mandy could get her drink on with the best of them, but in recent years it had become a bit of a rarity, only really happening when most of Blaine's entourage got together to have a few beverages, and ended up smashed. "He is. And the poor love can't even be the designated driver. He isn't. He has a cup of tea or coffee usually first thing, and then lets it go from there on througout the day."

She couldn't help the grin that spread over her face, and she shrugged. "You may have a point. But just the same... You've got the fight in you. Never met a Scotsman yet who doesn't. And this is from years of working with Elliot and wanting to bitchslap him on the regular. Bastard's lucky I still love him like the obnoxious surrogate brother he is." As the cup slipped, Mandy could see it coming, and reached out quickly to try and stop it, but to no avail as the water covered Jack, soaking through his hospital gown quickly. "It's okay," she reassured him. "I'll get some paper towels from the bathroom if you want to press the call button for the nurse so they can get you another gown?" She knew Jack was upset and embarrassed, but she was used to things like this with Blaine, and dropping the water hardly phased her as much as being concerned that he was okay, and that he have a bit of his dignity restored with a dry gown as quickly as possible.