"I can't do the little things I hold so dear. 'Cause it's all those little things that I fear."

[justbeingaqueen]

Who: justbeingaqueen and couturejourno
What: Fashionistas Anonymous
Where: Kurt's apartment
When & Time: Morning after THIS
Rating: Open for now, likely swearing

Comments

[justbeingaqueen]

"Finn and me went through a lot to build a relationship between us. It wasn't ever easy, we didn't get each other and it got to a point where I stopped trying with him. Then our folks got married, and we had no choice really. We're chalk and cheese... beyond that. But I love him. I never didn't love him, I just didn't want him anywhere near me. We all said extremely horrible things to each other the night of that fight, Finn and me included. Mr Schuester, I don't know... had his own agendas. I guess he thought he could right some wrongs with the world getting us all friends again when he knew he was dying, but he was never there when I needed him. All the reunion did was push me over the edge," Kurt said with a small sigh.

He was just amused by this whole thing and watched Leslie quietly for a few moments. "Well, I'd introduce you formally, but he's been really sick and his head is still a bit fucked. It's best to wait. He phases in and out of things, so he might not even remember you if he did meet you right now. He was literally only discharged from hospital less than twenty four hours ago."

[couturejourno]

"Is it one of those things where half of the fight wasn't even really because of what you were fighting over, if that makes sense? Like you were fighting about one thing, but really angry or hurt about something else?" Leslie asked. "Pretty presumptuous bastard if you don't mind my saying so, thinking that his death would be this huge thing that would bring the whole world together again."

"Well, I'd rather he was actually aware when I meet him, so I'll wait," she replied playfully. "Well, I say that, but then again, for his sake, it might be better if he didn't see me making a total ass of myself."

[justbeingaqueen]

Kurt sighed and folded his hands over in front of him so he could look down at them. "Possibly. But I was in a really, really bad place that night. Someone had just sent me photos of Blaine kissing one of my friends, and it felt like my whole world was falling apart. That's basically what started the whole thing. I exploded, I punched Blaine in the face. I screamed at a hell of a lot of people that night, and yes, a lot of it was probably old wounds being sliced open because I was so hurt. I went through a lot in high school, and even though I buried a lot of it away, I perhaps never even really healed from it. A lot of it's hazy now. I crashed my car that night, banged my head. Wrote myself off with drink a few nights the following week until my parents intervened. The drug habit started shortly after that, around the time I heard Blaine had left for England. Mr Schue's problem was clearly that he didn't stop to think that some of us had been through too much in the past to want it brought back like that without warning. But he was always a selfish fucker like that."

"I think you would just be one of many, man fangirls making a fool of themselves around him. It is best you wait, though. The protective streak in me really wants him to get more sleep so he doesn't end up sick again. I'm not sure my own stamina could take that right now," he murmured.

[couturejourno]

Kurt's words broke Leslie's heart. It was such a change from the Kurt she'd known for ages... The Kurt that was the mask he was hiding behind. "Fuck, Kurt... Honey, you're a master of hiding things, then. I had no idea. I mean, I knew you used some recreational stuff when you partied, but I didn't know how involved it was, or why... No wonder things have been so rough for you since then. And then the reunion just dropped everything right back in your lap when you'd never had time to deal with it in the first place."

"I'll restrain myself and wait, then," Leslie replied, only half joking. "Dear God, I can't believe it... Blaine fucking Anderson right here in the flesh."

[justbeingaqueen]

"I didn't want to deal with it, but Blaine made it impossible for me to avoid me. We got stuck in the school, see. Someone locked us down so we would deal with everything, and it went to complete and utter shit. I coped about as well as any drug addict would, and then the next thing I knew, Blaine's having a fit next to me it was the most scariest fucking thing I had ever experience. It was just... all rapidly downhill from there," Kurt admitted and brushed the edge of his thumb over his forehead before adjust the silk gloves covering his wrists.

He gave a small tilt of his head, resting his tongue between his lips. "It's probably fortunate it wasn't in the actual flesh. You never know with Blaine. He could have just as freely come down here half naked than he could in... Superman pyjamas. I will forever deny anyone connected to me ever wears said attire. At least it's a step up from Buzz."

[couturejourno]

"What the hell?!" Leslie asked, her eyes locked on Kurt's in absolute shock. "So they basically kidnapped you and forced you to stay in your school? That can't be legal. What a crock of shit. Oh, honey, I can't imagine... You hadn't kept up with his career enough to know why he supported those charities, I take it?" she asked.

"God, I would've been entirely unladylike right here in your kitchen, babe... Drool and all. Your poor husband... Oh, God... Buzz? Please tell me you don't mean he used to dress in Buzz Lightyear clothes regularly."

[justbeingaqueen]

Kurt bit down on his lip a little harder this time, only just short of drawing blood. "No, I didn't keep up with his career at all. I knew he was famous and I knew he was a rockstar in England. That was it. I wasn't able to deal with anything to do with Blaine, so I didn't. I completely ignored his existence save for a couple of times where it made me fly off the deep end all over again. But that's beside the point. No, I didn't know about his charities, let alone why. I didn't know he was epileptic, and it's been extremely hard for me to cop with and understand."

"Husband? No, no... there has been no eloping. I turned down his proposal. Or I basically threw the ring at him and wanted him to bleed from it, but that's another story. Not Buzz clothes, he had Buzz pyjamas that he lived in when we dating in high school. At least, he lived in them when he didn't need to be out in public. They were his favourites, and they were so well-loved, they were all faded but... damn, they drove me wild. I used to give him crap for them, but secretly, I thought he was gorgeous in them. They sat so well in all the right places."

[couturejourno]

"Oh, wow... Kurt, I can't imagine what a shock that must've been. I mean, hell, seeing someone have a fit for the first time would be bad enough if you knew it was coming, but if you had no idea, and didn't expect it..." She shook her head, picking at the finger food on the dessert plate in front of her.

"Oh, shit!" Leslie said, slapping her hand over her mouth. That was not the word she'd meant to say, and she turned a bright pink shade as it hit her what she'd said. "I meant to say boyfriend, and husband came out... Please, ignore me..." Still, she couldn't help the small smile on her face at Kurt's memories of Blaine's Buzz Lightyear pajamas. "Sounds like you've remembered everything, sweets," Leslie finally said softly.

[justbeingaqueen]

Kurt hummed softly in agreement, though his face was mostly unreadable by this point. "Plus I was coming down from a major high that my system basically didn't cope with. I was withdrawing, hadn't had any sleep, and hadn't eaten. I never in my life could have had any way to prepare myself for seeing that happen to him. I thought he was dying. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Then he had another one the following morning and it was basically what completely flipped me out. I was atrocious. I left him there on the floor of the school corridor and just ran. After that, everything is extremely hazy. I hardly remember anything."

He pressed his lips together in a faint smile. "I haven't forgotten anything about Blaine. I've just locked it all away because it hurt beyond my capacity to remember. When we broke up, it was like I lost half of me. Some days now, it's hard for me to believe he's there. It's like I've imagined him or hallucinated him."

[couturejourno]

"Kurt..." was the soft reply from Leslie as she shook her head in disbelief. "You poor thing... That's... That's far too much for a reunion. It's no wonder things went so off in your head." Her hands rested flat on either side of her mug as she just looked at Kurt, eyes full of concern and heartache simply at knowing what her friend had gone through. She looked down into her tea quietly, unable to begin to wrap her mind around it all.

The love that Kurt still held onto for Blaine was obvious. It tugged at Leslie's heart, even, and she hadn't ever been much for love and committed relationships. She got all the love she needed from her friends, and the rest of her needs were purely of a non-committed physical nature. But she couldn't deny that there was something that touched her about how much Kurt clearly loved Blaine, and how long he'd had the memories, even if he'd ignored them. "That's... That's incredible," she admitted finally.

[justbeingaqueen]

Kurt just started to feel tired them. His head and eyes got heavy and he looked down at the table-top. It took a lot out of him to talk about this side things. It still ached inside and digging up pieces of his past he had buried so deeply took a lot of work. But his therapists encouraged him to with people he trusted, if he felt like he could. And Leslie had an interest in Blaine, she was Kurt's friends, and she had to understand Blaine was in Kurt's picture... with that needed to come a lot of understanding and being filled in on the backstory. It wasn't just a case of two celebrities hooking up after meeting on a red carpet.

"I'm still trying to figure out what it is. I'm still stuck in terrified mode. It's not so much that he's come back to me, it's trying to deal with everything that comes with what that means. Blaine's so... he's the most beautiful person in the world, inside and out. I have caused him a lot of pain, and I need to fix that. It's just hard when inside, I feel nothing but broken," he murmured.

[couturejourno]

"I think it's beautiful that the two of you still love each other, even if it's not the way you imagined back then," Leslie murmured before polishing off her cup of tea. "Thank you," she said softly, realizing that this couldn't be an easy thing for Kurt to do. "I mean for sharing with me. I know you didn't have to, but it means a lot to me."

Linking her fingers together, Leslie leaned forward, resting on her elbows. "Honey, you look exhausted... If you want to go back upstairs and cuddle up with your man, I can go and catch up with you later."

[justbeingaqueen]

Kurt just nudged the remainder of his tea aside with his forearm and nodded. He was getting overtired, and there was that niggly teary feeling starting to make itself known. "I think I might. I'm really sorry, darling. I haven't slept much and I know I'm not the best of company. Can I make it up to you when I get back? I'll be going away tomorrow for a little while. To the beach with Blaine. We need privacy and time alone. It's indefinite how long we'll be away for the moment. He needs to recuperate and... so do I. New York is too easy to engulf me right now."

[couturejourno]

Standing up and offering Kurt a smile, Leslie nodded slowly. "Sure thing, sweetheart... I'm always around, so we'll have ourselves a meet up again when you're feeling better. Take care of yourself, okay?" She leaned over to offer Kurt a gentle hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Call me if you need anything."