never happy, this is going to be long...
i don't seem to be happy ever. what i think is happy,
is really just moments i'm not pissed, or depressed.
i hate that it's weird when i'm in a good mood. i hate
that being in a shit mood is normal for me. i don't know
what the fuck happened, or what point in my life i became
this way. i've always been a happy, energetic, care-free
person. and these past couple of years have just been shit.
every year, the less i feel happy. i don't get satisfaction
out of the same things i used to. nothing i do is ever fun
or entertaining to me. except music. i won't even go on because
it'll probably sound too trite, so fuck it. seriously though.
hanging out with my friends used to be the greatest thing in the
world. but nowadays, i don't feel the same way anymore. when i'm
home, i wish i was out. when i'm out, i wish i was home. what the
fuck. i'm sick of being alone. i have been for too long. but i'll
continue to be alone because life is fucking stupid and you have to
look like your in a fucking movie to get to anyone. i could be the
dumbest, meanest, most abusive jack off in the fucking planet, but
look 'soo hot' and have all these stupid fucking bitches hanging off
of my arms. i am not fucking invisible. i am HUMAN. i have FEELINGS.
i have EMOTIONS. i have an amazing PERSONALITY. but those are ignored
traits. fuck that. people think they know me, they don't. no one has
any idea of who i am, because i don't even fucking know. for some reason,
i can't get it out of my head that, in order to be happy, i need to be
with someone. maybe i'm right. being alone hasn't been any good. maybe
being with someone is the opposite. also, i only feel content with myself
when i make someone happy, or brighten up their day, or even just listen to
what they have to say. and if i have someone who i can make happy all the
time, then i'll be happy with myself. i don't know. another thing to tack
on to reasons i feel like shit. my parents give up so much, and give so much
to my brother and i, and how do we respond? we give them lip and talk back.
for the most part, we all get along very well, but i just can't break the
habit of rolling my eyes, or sighing whenever they ask me to do something.
i wish i was more like my dad. he is one of the most giving people i have
ever met. he's always helping people out, and not asking for anything in
return. he always makes people laugh. he always has a smile on. and he can
do pretty much anything. he can fix almost anything. i miss that fun, out-
going him. i hate seeing him in constant pain, constant suffering. why does
someone like him have to suffer? all he ever did was be what no one else is.
i often feel like i should be the one who is suffering. i would change spots
with him in a heart-beat. it brings me to tears sometimes just thinking about
all the bullshit he has to get through. all the weeks at the hospital alone.
all the pain he faces everyday. all the medication. just everything. i can
hardly remember back to when he wasn't so sick, that hurts. this is becoming
too normal. and my mom is always at his side. dropping everything to be with
him or to help him. she'll go days without sleep at the hospital with him.
and what am i doing? worrying about myself and my bullshit problems. i feel
so selfish a lot of times. i don't see why i'm so weak and down all the time.
i come from two of the hardest working, most determined, most unselfish people.
why am i like this? i feel like a let down to them. i just hope this is all a
little stage i'm going through because it is getting too unbearable. they say
high school is the best time of your life. if that's true. kill me now, because
i definitely missed out on the fun times and have nothing else to look forward to.
whatever, this is super super long, no one will read it, i don't care. shit i
needed to vent. fuck anyone who can't see what i'm worth, fuck anyone who judges
me because i don't get fucked up, i'm not a pussy. i have more balls to not touch
the stuff than you do. i don't like looking like a fucking jackass. i'm sick of
hearing these fucking lame speeches 'oh you'll find someone, you're an amazing
person, you just have to wait' shut up, i know. you don't think i fucking know.
i never understood why i'd get told all of those, and of how amazing i am, but no
one ever does anything about it. maybe they didn't mean it and it's just the
standard polite thing to say. whatever it is, i don't need it. i don't need your
fake pity. i pity myself enough. until i find what is missing, i'll turn to what
i know helps. music. makes my life seem like a movie. and in a movie, anything
can happen. shut the fuck up dan....now.
is really just moments i'm not pissed, or depressed.
i hate that it's weird when i'm in a good mood. i hate
that being in a shit mood is normal for me. i don't know
what the fuck happened, or what point in my life i became
this way. i've always been a happy, energetic, care-free
person. and these past couple of years have just been shit.
every year, the less i feel happy. i don't get satisfaction
out of the same things i used to. nothing i do is ever fun
or entertaining to me. except music. i won't even go on because
it'll probably sound too trite, so fuck it. seriously though.
hanging out with my friends used to be the greatest thing in the
world. but nowadays, i don't feel the same way anymore. when i'm
home, i wish i was out. when i'm out, i wish i was home. what the
fuck. i'm sick of being alone. i have been for too long. but i'll
continue to be alone because life is fucking stupid and you have to
look like your in a fucking movie to get to anyone. i could be the
dumbest, meanest, most abusive jack off in the fucking planet, but
look 'soo hot' and have all these stupid fucking bitches hanging off
of my arms. i am not fucking invisible. i am HUMAN. i have FEELINGS.
i have EMOTIONS. i have an amazing PERSONALITY. but those are ignored
traits. fuck that. people think they know me, they don't. no one has
any idea of who i am, because i don't even fucking know. for some reason,
i can't get it out of my head that, in order to be happy, i need to be
with someone. maybe i'm right. being alone hasn't been any good. maybe
being with someone is the opposite. also, i only feel content with myself
when i make someone happy, or brighten up their day, or even just listen to
what they have to say. and if i have someone who i can make happy all the
time, then i'll be happy with myself. i don't know. another thing to tack
on to reasons i feel like shit. my parents give up so much, and give so much
to my brother and i, and how do we respond? we give them lip and talk back.
for the most part, we all get along very well, but i just can't break the
habit of rolling my eyes, or sighing whenever they ask me to do something.
i wish i was more like my dad. he is one of the most giving people i have
ever met. he's always helping people out, and not asking for anything in
return. he always makes people laugh. he always has a smile on. and he can
do pretty much anything. he can fix almost anything. i miss that fun, out-
going him. i hate seeing him in constant pain, constant suffering. why does
someone like him have to suffer? all he ever did was be what no one else is.
i often feel like i should be the one who is suffering. i would change spots
with him in a heart-beat. it brings me to tears sometimes just thinking about
all the bullshit he has to get through. all the weeks at the hospital alone.
all the pain he faces everyday. all the medication. just everything. i can
hardly remember back to when he wasn't so sick, that hurts. this is becoming
too normal. and my mom is always at his side. dropping everything to be with
him or to help him. she'll go days without sleep at the hospital with him.
and what am i doing? worrying about myself and my bullshit problems. i feel
so selfish a lot of times. i don't see why i'm so weak and down all the time.
i come from two of the hardest working, most determined, most unselfish people.
why am i like this? i feel like a let down to them. i just hope this is all a
little stage i'm going through because it is getting too unbearable. they say
high school is the best time of your life. if that's true. kill me now, because
i definitely missed out on the fun times and have nothing else to look forward to.
whatever, this is super super long, no one will read it, i don't care. shit i
needed to vent. fuck anyone who can't see what i'm worth, fuck anyone who judges
me because i don't get fucked up, i'm not a pussy. i have more balls to not touch
the stuff than you do. i don't like looking like a fucking jackass. i'm sick of
hearing these fucking lame speeches 'oh you'll find someone, you're an amazing
person, you just have to wait' shut up, i know. you don't think i fucking know.
i never understood why i'd get told all of those, and of how amazing i am, but no
one ever does anything about it. maybe they didn't mean it and it's just the
standard polite thing to say. whatever it is, i don't need it. i don't need your
fake pity. i pity myself enough. until i find what is missing, i'll turn to what
i know helps. music. makes my life seem like a movie. and in a movie, anything
can happen. shut the fuck up dan....now.