Fic: Thanks Sammy, I Love It
Pairing: Dean & Sam
Summary: The Samulet has been a symbol of Sam and Dean's brother bond and a part of their lives. This is its point of view of their greatest moments, their tragedies and their triumphs and most of all their love for one another.
Written for the Gencest Big Bang
My artist was the amazing txdora you can see their artwork on LJ and AO3
For as long as I can remember I belonged to two special young men with a bond, unlike anything that I have ever seen. I thought nothing could tear them apart until heaven and hell began their move and the two were ripped apart.
I first met Samuel Winchester when I was given to him by Bobby Singer I was meant to be given to his father John Winchester but fate had other plans and young Sam Winchester gave me to his big brother and the most important person in his life.
"Thanks, Sammy, I love it."
I found my place around the neck of Dean where I would stay, I had at last found my place I was a symbol of the bond between Dean and Sam Winchester never had a seen such a bond and I knew that it would only get stronger as time went on.
I was there for Dean when Sam left for Stanford I was there as they clung to each other neither wanting to let go until finally Dean pulled away and urged Sam to get on the bus. I was the only one to see the tear that fell from Dean's eyes as he watched the bus pull away taking Sam away from him. I was the only one who felt how grateful he was as the rain started falling so he could hide his tears.
"Take care baby brother," Dean whispered as he held Sam in his arms for what he knew would be the last time for a long time, not waiting to let Sam go not yet.
"You could come with me," Sam whispered into Dean's jacket as he drank in Dean's scent not yet ready to let go of Dean.
Dean was tempted oh he was tempted but he couldn't. "I can't leave dad and let's face it Sammy I would never belong in a place like Stanford. Never doubt how very proud I am of you, Sam."
Sam knew that Dean would say no and he had done his best to prepare himself for that answer but it still didn't stop the pain that went through his heart that he would be going on this journey without his big brother by his side.
Hunting was a big part of who Dean is. Hunting things and saving people that was who Dean was and Sam wouldn't have him any other way no matter how much he might hate the hunting life he would never force Dean to give up something that he truly loves.
"I understand Dean. Promise me that you will look after yourself and dad." Sam pleaded he might not get along with his dad but the last thing he wanted was to lose either of them.
"I will Sammy, I promise." Dean squeezed Sam one last time before he forced himself to remove his arms from around Sam. "You better get going, that bus isn't going to wait forever." The last thing that Dean wanted was for Sam to get on that bus and be taken away from him but if he held Sam back or stopped him it just might make Sam hate him.
At that moment Sam hated the bus and it was on the tip of his tongue to tell Dean that he wasn't going to Stanford.
Dean could read his little brother and he knew what he was thinking and he couldn't let Sam do it. "Don't Sam, we both need this is what you need to do. And if you turned down going to Stanford you would regret it and I don't want you to come to hate me for holding you back."
"I could never hate you, Dean, never." Sam knew that was one thing he loved Dean, he is his whole world he could never hate his big brother, never.
"Then you better get on that bus Sam." And with that Dean let Sam go and it was the hardest thing he ever had to do.
I felt Dean's pain as if it was my own as he continued on without Sam by his side but I also saw his pride as he bragged to others that his baby brother had gotten a full ride to Stanford he longed for Sam at his side but knew that this wasn't the life Sam wanted, hunting was Dean's life and he wouldn't force it on Sam not if it made him unhappy.
Then John went missing and Dean sought out Sam out at Stanford and I could feel Dean's joy at once again being reunited with his brother.
And his rage and pain as Sam lost someone he truly loved but so thankful that he had turned around to pull Sam out of the burning apartment.
Then the yellow-eyed demon returned and everything changed.
I was there as Dean held a dying Sam in his arms begging him to stay with him, his grief, agony, and pain my own.
Dean's cry of Sam still haunted me to this day.
"Sammy!" No no no no! This couldn't be happening he couldn't be losing Sam not now. He wouldn't let that bastard take another one he loves and certainly not Sammy, Sam who is his light. Dean could already fill the black hole engulfing him. "Sammy!"
Dean was dead inside his life ended the moment Sam's did. He didn't care about Azazel or his army; let the world end like his had.
I knew that Dean was desperate and in truth, I was as well I cursed my creator for locking away my powers, powers that I could have used to save Sam and maybe I could have avoided what was to come.
I should have known that Dean would do the same thing John had done for Dean himself and made a demon deal. Even if I had a voice I doubt Dean would listen to me as he sold his soul to bring Sam back but instead of the standard ten-year deal Dean only got a year and I knew why.
Azazel was just the start and yes I did get a great deal of pleasure of watching Dean fire the colt and kill that bastard dead.
Dean couldn't keep his deal from Sam for long and Sam reacted the way that I thought he would.
"Why Dean? I'm not worth your soul!" Sam didn't know how to respond to the fact that his brother had sold his soul for him condemning himself to hell unless they could find a way to break the deal.
Dean knew that Sam wouldn't be happy, hell he would probably be acting the same way Sam was right now if he was in his place. He had, he had felt rage and angry at their dad's choice in selling his soul to bring him back and yeah he wondered why he was worth such a sacrifice he understood when it had been Sam. "Don't you dare say that Sam. You are worth any sacrifice and that includes selling my soul. It is my soul and it was my decision to make. And nothing you can say will ever make me regret doing it. Hell if I had to I would do it all over again if it meant getting you back." Dean spoke from the heart. "And you can't tell me that you wouldn't do the same thing if it was me in your place."
Sam stayed silent they both knew that Dean was right he wouldn't hesitate a second in selling his soul if it meant getting Dean back. "You couldn't live with me living without you and now you are asking me to do the same thing. I don't know if I am strong enough Dean."
Placing down his beer Dean wrapped his arm around Sam's shoulders. "Hey, I know how you feel. And while I don't want to do anything that will cost me you and I won't stop you in trying to find a way to break the deal." A small grin appeared on Dean's face, "I doubt I could stop you, you can be a stubborn son of a bitch."
"I am going to find a way to break this deal," Sam vowed as he looked at his brother there was no way that he was letting Dean end up in hell, not because of him, not like their dad was.
+****+
I could sense Dean's distrust of the demon Ruby the moment she revealed who she was and I couldn't blame him demons had brought nothing but pain to my boys and oh how I wished I could keep them away from my boys.
Ruby, the blond demon who promised that she could help save Dean from his deal, I knew she was lying and Dean he didn't trust her but Sam, oh Sam he so desperately needed to believe that what she was speaking, that she could help him save Dean.
Sam's burning need to save Dean, that consumed him like an inferno I could understand I felt the same way myself. But I feared for Sam that his need to save Dean is blinding him to the danger that working with a demon could be.
Sam was desperate to save Dean just like Dean had been desperate to save Sam something that I couldn't fault either of them for. I had seen firsthand their love for one another, their bond went deeper than anything I had ever witness. Their souls were entwined, one half of the same soul. Soulmates were truly rare and no two could match the love and devotion Sam and Dean have for one another.
Loki or should I say, Gabriel, if I could I would be having some serious words with that wayward Archangel. I wondered if he could sense me. Sense what I really was? As I watched Sam suffer watching Dean die over and over again and Sam become more broken I wished that I could somehow break this world Gabriel had created it was slowly destroying Sam and I could see it in Dean’s eyes he was worried about his brother and he wished that Sam would tell him what was going on.
It took Sam a moment to place the song and he shot Dean his bitch face, “Dude. Asia?”
Dean grinned he loved making Sam give him that look, “Come on. You love this song and you know it.”
“Yeah, and if I ever hear it again I'm gonna kill myself,” Sam grumbled as he tossed back the covers.
Sam felt odd and disoriented “Man, I had a weird dream.”
Dean raised an eyebrow, “Yeah? Clowns or midgets?”
I wished I could tell Dean what was happening that this wasn’t some kind of nightmare Sam was having and while I knew that Gabriel was up to something I just wished that he could have found another way to do it.
Dean was growing worried about Sam, “Sam, I'm sorry, but I don't know what the hell you're talking about.”
Sam didn’t know how to explain it to Dean, the truth of it he didn’t really understand what was going on, “Okay, look. Yesterday was Tuesday, right? But today is Tuesday too.”
Tuesday after Tuesday Sam continued to live the same day over and over again.
Dean leaned back into the bench he was liking this side of Sam, “Sammy, I get all tingly when you take control like that.” Really he couldn’t help but flirt just a little with Sam it was just in his nature.
I could feel it that Sam was losing it, that he needed Dean to start believing him.
Dean and Sam face to face and in perfect synch, “Right, you're a mind reader. Cut it out, Sam. Sam... You think you're being funny but you're being really really childish! Sam Winchester wears makeup. Sam Winchester cries his way through sex. Sam Winchester keeps a ruler by the bed and every morning when he wakes up he...”
“Okay, enough!” Dean gave up and sat back in his seat he believed Sam when he said something was happening he just didn’t know what could
When Dean died and time didn’t reset I saw the light fade from Sam’s eyes and I was helpless to watch as the kind heart of Sam disappeared, he was an empty shell without Dean and I never felt so powerless.
I watched as Sam lost what made him human as he was consumed in hunting down Loki and I was so worried about him, I had already lost Dean I couldn’t lose Sam as well.
I knew that no matter how good of a hunter Sam is, and he and Dean are among the best that Sam wouldn’t find Gabriel unless he wanted to be found.
“How long will it take you to realize? You can't save your brother. No matter what.” Gabriel felt bad for Sam; he wondered how different things would have been if he and his brothers loved each other even half as much as Sam and Dean love one another.
“That doesn’t mean that I am not going to stop and nothing, no matter how many times you trap me in a time loop will stop me.”
Loki shrugged, “True. But that doesn't mean I should. Sam, there's a lesson here that I've been trying to drill into that freakish Cro-Magnon skull of yours.
“Lesson? What lesson?” Sam didn’t look impressed.
“This obsession to save Dean? The way you two keep sacrificing yourselves for each other? Nothing good comes out of it. Just blood and pain. Dean's your weakness. And the bad guys know it, too. It's gonna be the death of you, Sam. Sometimes you just gotta let people go.”
“Never.” Sam would never stop trying to save Dean, there were no lengths he wouldn't go to save his brother.
Gabriel let out a sigh, “I thought you would say that.” The Winchester brothers love for one another was a thing of beauty but it was also a dangerous thing and that had been the lesson he had hoped to teach Sam. He couldn't get involved that would alert his family to his presence and as much as he liked Sam and Dean and he was rooting for them to kick his big brother's asses he didn't want to be dragged into it.
He knows that Heaven and Hell want the apocalypse to happen and Sam and Dean are the key players, everything rests on their shoulders and they don't even have a clue to the burden they carry.
Gabriel studied the determined man before him and he really didn't want to go against Azazel's chosen one and Lucifer's perfect vessel, he didn't really want to find out if Hell's Boy King could match an Archangel. "Fine, I'll bring back Dean and stop the time loop."
The gun in Sam's hand never wavered, "Dean will be unharmed and he will remember none of this." Sam demanded rather than asked.
Gabriel rolled his eyes, "Yes, your precious Dean will be fine." Then Gabriel steeled himself, "It would do well to remember Sam that you can't save everyone and you can't save Dean from his fate. He is going to end up in hell. Dean’s your weakness. The bad guys know it too. It’s gonna be the death of you, Sam.”
“I don’t care and anyone who tries to stop me will learn how hard that is going to be,” Sam's mouth curled up into a snarl, "Do you want to try and stop me?" Nothing would stop Sam from saving Dean even if he had to take all on all of hell.
"Yeah, I'm not that crazy." With a snap of his fingers, Gabriel was gone.
The next thing Sam knew he was waking up in the motel room he had been sharing with Dean six months ago and Sam felt his heart pounding as his eyes landed on Dean alive and well.
No one knew Sam better than Dean so when he found himself with an armful of Sam and his arms wrapped tightly around him Dean knew that something had to happen, later he would ask but for now it felt good to have Sam in his arms.
I planned on having words with Gabriel when I can but for now, I was happy to see my boys reunited.
In the end, it wasn't me that sought out Gabriel he came to me.
The motel room was warded against all kinds of monsters but not against Archangels posing as Norse Gods.
Gabriel was silent as he moved about the room his eyes flickering back and forth between the two sleeping brothers as he moved towards his target.
"I thought that was you," Gabriel whispered as he lifted the amulet up. "All of heaven believes that you are lost I should have known that you would find your way to the perfect vessels of Lucifer and Michael. Since you've been gone Heaven has changed a great deal they want Dean Winchester in hell, John Winchester didn't break so they need another righteous man to break the first seal. Your boys are going to be up against all of hell and heaven and they will do anything to drive them apart, they need them doubting each other so keep a close eye on them."
+*****+
If I thought Sam was lost those six months that Dean was dead in the world Gabriel created it was nothing compared to Sam when he was failed to save Dean from being dragged to hell. Sam was lost and broken and Ruby had sunk her claws deep into Sam promising that she could help Sam get powerful enough to save Dean from hell and get revenge on Lilith for her role in taking Dean from him
Sam's fingers traced the amulet, the amulet that belonged around Dean's neck and not his. "It's just a little while until I get Dean back then you will be back around his neck,” Sam promised as he slipped the amulet underneath his shirt, for some reason he didn’t want Ruby to know that he had it.
“Ready?” Ruby asked a smile on her face.
“I am.” Sam would do whatever it takes to free Dean from hell even drink demon blood.
I wanted to tell Sam that she was lying, that Ruby was a pawn of Lilith's and she was using Sam to fulfill his role as Lucifer's perfect vessel. This wasn't the same Ruby that Dean and Sam had met and worked with something was off about her and yet I had a no way of telling Sam to be careful, not to trust her.
I was also waiting for the angels to make their move but thanks to Gabriel I now knew that they wouldn't until Dean broke in hell, I despised them for that. They were supposed to guard and protect humanity and to leave an innocent soul down in hell to be tortured and suffered until they broke was not what they had been made to do.
Heaven had changed.
The angels had changed so much since I was last there, sometimes I missed it and other times I would never give up the life I have with Sam and Dean. Still, I can’t help but wonder if this is why God left, he saw the road his children were heading down and couldn’t face it. I will be having words with him the next time that I see him.
Sam couldn’t breathe; there was no way that Dean was standing before him alive.
“Hiya Sammy.”
Sam didn’t even remember moving until Dean was in his arms and the moment he felt Dean’s arms wrap around him clinging to him just as much as he was clinging to Dean. Sam didn’t know how Dean was here all that matter was that he was there.
As Sam handed me over to Dean I knew how Sam felt we were complete now that Dean was back where he belonged with us.
+*****+
The first time Castiel appeared I was thankful that my powers had been muted so that he could not sense me. I needed to know if he was to be trusted, the Castiel I know is a warrior and loyal he would do as heaven commanded.
The moment Castiel called Sam an abomination I was enraged that was my Sam they were talking about. How they were so blind to the brightness of Sam’s soul, it shone brighter than any other soul I have seen, his and Dean’s and while Dean’s still carries wounds from his time in hell it still shines brighter than most souls I have seen.
I hated that I was forced to say silent as heaven and hell began playing my boys against each other and I hated it. I hated how Ruby poisoned Sam, used his need to get revenge on Lilith for her role in Dean being sent to hell and tortured there.
My boys were in heaven and I was so angry with the angels for messing with their shared heaven, Sam and Dean were soul mates and their heaven was a safe haven not to be messed with, angels were supposed to guard and protect souls not mess with their final resting place.
I watched helplessly as both sides poisoned Sam and Dean unable to do anything.
Then came a day I never thought would happen, I tried oh did I try to reach out to Dean to get him to stop and think about what he was doing as I hovered above the trash can dangling from Dean’s fingertips if I could speak I would be begging Dean not to do this.
I hit the bottom of the trash can and I never felt worse.
Sam felt like Dean had tossed him away in the trash next to the amulet, the very amulet that once meant the world to Dean.
‘Like I did.’
Sam didn't know that an already broken heart could break even more but he felt his cracked heart shatter completely as he bent down to pick the amulet out of the trash his hand wrapped tightly around it as if he was afraid to let it go and the symbol of his and Dean’s would vanish from his sight.
He couldn’t say anything as he watched Dean stalk out of the motel room; his eyes on the trash can where the amulet he gave Dean all those years ago as a Christmas gift.
Sam didn’t even realize he had moved until he was picking the amulet up out of the trash, “No. I refuse to let them win and drive us apart.” Slipping it over his head Sam tucked it under his shirt. He would keep it safe until the time came when he can return it to Dean.
When Dean wanted him back as well.
I could feel Sam's pain as if it was my own and how I wished that I could comfort Sam; reassure him that the bond between the two of them while stretched had not broken. I knew heaven and hell's plans and how I wish that I could warn them but I was just a necklace my power silenced by my creator and when I found him I would be having words with him.
+*****+
Sam was in the cage and Dean… Dean well he was existing but he was not living not with Sam in the cage and no way to save him without demon or angels help. Dean was doing what Sam asked him to do a live.
I was lost, alone tucked away in the bottom of Sam’s bag wrapped safely up in his purple dog shirt that he loved so much, tucked away in the trunk of the Impala for the first time I was without both of my boys.
I was forgotten, left alone in the dark Dean let no one not even himself touch Sam’s bag.
The next time that I saw the light was when Sam, my Sam, pulled back the zipper and unwrapped me from his favorite shirt, I could sense a presence on Sam that I hadn’t felt since Lucifer was locked away Death.
Death had done something to protect Sam I didn’t know how Sam was freed from the cage but he was back home with Dean and me.
“I’m so sorry I left you alone in the dark. I should have told Dean where to find you.” Sam’s voice was full of apology as he cradled the amulet in the palm of his hands. “I will never leave you alone in the dark again.”
I knew that Sam meant every word of that promise and I made one of my own that I would do everything in my power to keep my boys safe that never again they would have to go through this.
+*****+
It was not an easy promise to keep trouble kept seeking out my boys the wall that Death had created to keep the memories of his torture and more at the hands of Lucifer shattered and I like Dean watched helplessly as Sam drifted further and further away from us as the ghost of Lucifer taunted and hunted him.
Dean is Sam’s anchor and without him, he was adrift. Dean is gone, Sam is broken his wall destroyed he has no anchor to call him back when the monster Lucifer haunts and overwhelm him I feared that there would be nothing left of Sam when Dean returned.
Amelia, I didn’t know what to make of the woman that Sam had met but I knew that Sam couldn’t be out hunting alone the ghost of Lucifer was hunting Sam more and more every day and I feared that one day soon Sam would be lost to me.
Then Dean came back, he was harder at times I didn’t recognize him Purgatory had changed him.
Then came the trails.
“Dean is so mad at me,” Sam whispered as he clutched the amulet in his hands, he felt so weak and he wanted Dean but he didn’t want Dean to see or know how badly the trails were taking on him. “I need to do this, to make amends for all the wrong I have done. I will make Dean proud of me.” Sam whispered.
I wish that I could speak and tell Sam that he had nothing to make amends for and that Dean was so proud of him.
I think Sam needed the comfort I offered him and he packed me in his pocket so I was there in the church when Sam and Dean shared a moment that I will treasure as I know that they will.
Sam could stay silent any longer, “You want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down. I can't do that again.”
Dean couldn’t believe that things had gotten so bad between them that he let Sam think that, “Sam...”
Sam wasn’t done, there were tears in his eyes as he told Dean what had been weighing on him, “What happens when you've decided I can't be trusted again? I mean, who are you gonna turn to next time instead of me? Another angel, another vampire? Do you have any idea what it feels like to watch your brother just...”
Dean couldn’t take anymore and moved towards Sam, “Hold on, hold on! Do you seriously think that? Because none of it, none of it, is true. Listen, man, I know we've had our disagreements, okay? Hell, I know I've said some junk that set you back on your heels. But, Sammy... come on. I killed Benny to save you. I'm willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you. Don't you dare think that there is anything, past or present that I would put in front of you! It has never been like that, ever! I need you to see that. I'm begging you.”
“How do I stop?” Sam asked sounding so broken as he squeezed his hand ignoring the blood that dripped out.
“Just let it go,” Dean told Sam.
“I can't. It's in me, Dean. You don't know what this feels like.” Sam sounded so broken and helpless.
Taking Sam’s hand Dean wrapped a bandanna around Sam’s cut just like he used to do when they were children, “Hey, listen, we will figure it out, okay, just like we always do. Come on.” Dean gave in to the temptation and pulled Sam into a tight hug, “Come on. Let it go, okay? Let it go, brother.”
+******+
I wondered when Sam would return me, to let Dean know that I was still with them. I heard what Dean said to the girls that made a musical about Chuck’s books.
“I don’t need a symbol to remind me how I feel about my brother.”
I had known that all along but I was happy to hear Dean say it out loud and I hoped that Sam heard it as well.
Amara came and Chuck returned.
Sam could feel it, “We're not gonna make it.”
There was no way that Dean was going to let that happened, he wasn’t leaving without Sam. “No, no, no. There's no quittin' here.
Sam could feel it the infection taking him over, “We're never gonna make it.”
“Sam, listen to me. That's not you talking, it's the fog.” There was no after everything they had gone through that Dean was just going to let Sam give up.
“You were gonna choose Amara over me. Over everything.” Sam found himself confessing his greatest fear.
Dean couldn’t believe what he was hearing, “Sam, No!”
A guilty look appeared in Sam’s eyes he hadn’t meant to say that he knows that while Amara has some kind of hold over Dean, his brother would still choose him. “Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that, Dean. I can't fight this, you gotta go. You got to get out before you get infected. Go before I hurt you!”
There was no way that was happening! Dean would rather die here alongside Sam then live without him again, “No. I'm not leaving you, ever! Stop this! You hear me, you dick?” Dean took in a deep breath, breathing in the fog to Sam’s horror.
Sam wanted to stop Dean but before he could a bright light appeared coming from Sam’s jacket pocket reaching in. There is no disguising Dean’s surprise as he pulls the amulet, the one that he had heartlessly dumped in the trash, out of Sam’s pocket. As he looks up at Sam he can finally breathe as he sees that Sam is healed, there are no black veins anywhere on Sam.
They would talk about this later.
+******+
“You kept it, after all of these years.” Dean looked at Sam. “Sammy, you have no idea how much I regret tossing it away. No matter how angry I was throwing it in the trash in front of you was a dick move. I’m sorry. Thank you for keeping it safe all of these years.”
“You’re welcome.” Sam knows that he failed in keeping his emotions out of his voice as he smiled at Dean.
“Come here.”
Sam let his eyes close as he sank into Dean’s hug.
A few moments later Sam and Dean broke apart and Dean moved to hang the amulet on the bare nail above his bed.
Sam could only stare at the amulet that hung in Dean’s room the spot he had made for it after he pulled it out of Sam’s pocket and realized that he had picked it up out of the trash all those years ago
The amulet that had bonded them until Dean tossed it away in the trash, the one that Sam longed to return to Dean and see it around his neck once more.
Once again I was with my boys and watching over the two of them until the time came for them to finally rest.
+*****+
“I know I did the right thing leaving you in the care of Sam and Dean,” Chuck stated as he looked down at the amulet in his hand, he could feel its love and devotion for the Winchester brothers. Chuck knew when he created Dean and then Sam’s souls that they were special and as he watched the two brothers clink their bottles of beer together with the Impala gleaming in the sunlight as Sam and Dean enjoyed the view of the lake.
They have earned their peace and I will still be with them watching over them in their shared heaven.
Summary: The Samulet has been a symbol of Sam and Dean's brother bond and a part of their lives. This is its point of view of their greatest moments, their tragedies and their triumphs and most of all their love for one another.
Written for the Gencest Big Bang
My artist was the amazing txdora you can see their artwork on LJ and AO3
For as long as I can remember I belonged to two special young men with a bond, unlike anything that I have ever seen. I thought nothing could tear them apart until heaven and hell began their move and the two were ripped apart.
I first met Samuel Winchester when I was given to him by Bobby Singer I was meant to be given to his father John Winchester but fate had other plans and young Sam Winchester gave me to his big brother and the most important person in his life.
"Thanks, Sammy, I love it."
I found my place around the neck of Dean where I would stay, I had at last found my place I was a symbol of the bond between Dean and Sam Winchester never had a seen such a bond and I knew that it would only get stronger as time went on.
I was there for Dean when Sam left for Stanford I was there as they clung to each other neither wanting to let go until finally Dean pulled away and urged Sam to get on the bus. I was the only one to see the tear that fell from Dean's eyes as he watched the bus pull away taking Sam away from him. I was the only one who felt how grateful he was as the rain started falling so he could hide his tears.
"Take care baby brother," Dean whispered as he held Sam in his arms for what he knew would be the last time for a long time, not waiting to let Sam go not yet.
"You could come with me," Sam whispered into Dean's jacket as he drank in Dean's scent not yet ready to let go of Dean.
Dean was tempted oh he was tempted but he couldn't. "I can't leave dad and let's face it Sammy I would never belong in a place like Stanford. Never doubt how very proud I am of you, Sam."
Sam knew that Dean would say no and he had done his best to prepare himself for that answer but it still didn't stop the pain that went through his heart that he would be going on this journey without his big brother by his side.
Hunting was a big part of who Dean is. Hunting things and saving people that was who Dean was and Sam wouldn't have him any other way no matter how much he might hate the hunting life he would never force Dean to give up something that he truly loves.
"I understand Dean. Promise me that you will look after yourself and dad." Sam pleaded he might not get along with his dad but the last thing he wanted was to lose either of them.
"I will Sammy, I promise." Dean squeezed Sam one last time before he forced himself to remove his arms from around Sam. "You better get going, that bus isn't going to wait forever." The last thing that Dean wanted was for Sam to get on that bus and be taken away from him but if he held Sam back or stopped him it just might make Sam hate him.
At that moment Sam hated the bus and it was on the tip of his tongue to tell Dean that he wasn't going to Stanford.
Dean could read his little brother and he knew what he was thinking and he couldn't let Sam do it. "Don't Sam, we both need this is what you need to do. And if you turned down going to Stanford you would regret it and I don't want you to come to hate me for holding you back."
"I could never hate you, Dean, never." Sam knew that was one thing he loved Dean, he is his whole world he could never hate his big brother, never.
"Then you better get on that bus Sam." And with that Dean let Sam go and it was the hardest thing he ever had to do.
I felt Dean's pain as if it was my own as he continued on without Sam by his side but I also saw his pride as he bragged to others that his baby brother had gotten a full ride to Stanford he longed for Sam at his side but knew that this wasn't the life Sam wanted, hunting was Dean's life and he wouldn't force it on Sam not if it made him unhappy.
Then John went missing and Dean sought out Sam out at Stanford and I could feel Dean's joy at once again being reunited with his brother.
And his rage and pain as Sam lost someone he truly loved but so thankful that he had turned around to pull Sam out of the burning apartment.
Then the yellow-eyed demon returned and everything changed.
I was there as Dean held a dying Sam in his arms begging him to stay with him, his grief, agony, and pain my own.
Dean's cry of Sam still haunted me to this day.
"Sammy!" No no no no! This couldn't be happening he couldn't be losing Sam not now. He wouldn't let that bastard take another one he loves and certainly not Sammy, Sam who is his light. Dean could already fill the black hole engulfing him. "Sammy!"
Dean was dead inside his life ended the moment Sam's did. He didn't care about Azazel or his army; let the world end like his had.
I knew that Dean was desperate and in truth, I was as well I cursed my creator for locking away my powers, powers that I could have used to save Sam and maybe I could have avoided what was to come.
I should have known that Dean would do the same thing John had done for Dean himself and made a demon deal. Even if I had a voice I doubt Dean would listen to me as he sold his soul to bring Sam back but instead of the standard ten-year deal Dean only got a year and I knew why.
Azazel was just the start and yes I did get a great deal of pleasure of watching Dean fire the colt and kill that bastard dead.
Dean couldn't keep his deal from Sam for long and Sam reacted the way that I thought he would.
"Why Dean? I'm not worth your soul!" Sam didn't know how to respond to the fact that his brother had sold his soul for him condemning himself to hell unless they could find a way to break the deal.
Dean knew that Sam wouldn't be happy, hell he would probably be acting the same way Sam was right now if he was in his place. He had, he had felt rage and angry at their dad's choice in selling his soul to bring him back and yeah he wondered why he was worth such a sacrifice he understood when it had been Sam. "Don't you dare say that Sam. You are worth any sacrifice and that includes selling my soul. It is my soul and it was my decision to make. And nothing you can say will ever make me regret doing it. Hell if I had to I would do it all over again if it meant getting you back." Dean spoke from the heart. "And you can't tell me that you wouldn't do the same thing if it was me in your place."
Sam stayed silent they both knew that Dean was right he wouldn't hesitate a second in selling his soul if it meant getting Dean back. "You couldn't live with me living without you and now you are asking me to do the same thing. I don't know if I am strong enough Dean."
Placing down his beer Dean wrapped his arm around Sam's shoulders. "Hey, I know how you feel. And while I don't want to do anything that will cost me you and I won't stop you in trying to find a way to break the deal." A small grin appeared on Dean's face, "I doubt I could stop you, you can be a stubborn son of a bitch."
"I am going to find a way to break this deal," Sam vowed as he looked at his brother there was no way that he was letting Dean end up in hell, not because of him, not like their dad was.
+****+
I could sense Dean's distrust of the demon Ruby the moment she revealed who she was and I couldn't blame him demons had brought nothing but pain to my boys and oh how I wished I could keep them away from my boys.
Ruby, the blond demon who promised that she could help save Dean from his deal, I knew she was lying and Dean he didn't trust her but Sam, oh Sam he so desperately needed to believe that what she was speaking, that she could help him save Dean.
Sam's burning need to save Dean, that consumed him like an inferno I could understand I felt the same way myself. But I feared for Sam that his need to save Dean is blinding him to the danger that working with a demon could be.
Sam was desperate to save Dean just like Dean had been desperate to save Sam something that I couldn't fault either of them for. I had seen firsthand their love for one another, their bond went deeper than anything I had ever witness. Their souls were entwined, one half of the same soul. Soulmates were truly rare and no two could match the love and devotion Sam and Dean have for one another.
Loki or should I say, Gabriel, if I could I would be having some serious words with that wayward Archangel. I wondered if he could sense me. Sense what I really was? As I watched Sam suffer watching Dean die over and over again and Sam become more broken I wished that I could somehow break this world Gabriel had created it was slowly destroying Sam and I could see it in Dean’s eyes he was worried about his brother and he wished that Sam would tell him what was going on.
It took Sam a moment to place the song and he shot Dean his bitch face, “Dude. Asia?”
Dean grinned he loved making Sam give him that look, “Come on. You love this song and you know it.”
“Yeah, and if I ever hear it again I'm gonna kill myself,” Sam grumbled as he tossed back the covers.
Sam felt odd and disoriented “Man, I had a weird dream.”
Dean raised an eyebrow, “Yeah? Clowns or midgets?”
I wished I could tell Dean what was happening that this wasn’t some kind of nightmare Sam was having and while I knew that Gabriel was up to something I just wished that he could have found another way to do it.
Dean was growing worried about Sam, “Sam, I'm sorry, but I don't know what the hell you're talking about.”
Sam didn’t know how to explain it to Dean, the truth of it he didn’t really understand what was going on, “Okay, look. Yesterday was Tuesday, right? But today is Tuesday too.”
Tuesday after Tuesday Sam continued to live the same day over and over again.
Dean leaned back into the bench he was liking this side of Sam, “Sammy, I get all tingly when you take control like that.” Really he couldn’t help but flirt just a little with Sam it was just in his nature.
I could feel it that Sam was losing it, that he needed Dean to start believing him.
Dean and Sam face to face and in perfect synch, “Right, you're a mind reader. Cut it out, Sam. Sam... You think you're being funny but you're being really really childish! Sam Winchester wears makeup. Sam Winchester cries his way through sex. Sam Winchester keeps a ruler by the bed and every morning when he wakes up he...”
“Okay, enough!” Dean gave up and sat back in his seat he believed Sam when he said something was happening he just didn’t know what could
When Dean died and time didn’t reset I saw the light fade from Sam’s eyes and I was helpless to watch as the kind heart of Sam disappeared, he was an empty shell without Dean and I never felt so powerless.
I watched as Sam lost what made him human as he was consumed in hunting down Loki and I was so worried about him, I had already lost Dean I couldn’t lose Sam as well.
I knew that no matter how good of a hunter Sam is, and he and Dean are among the best that Sam wouldn’t find Gabriel unless he wanted to be found.
“How long will it take you to realize? You can't save your brother. No matter what.” Gabriel felt bad for Sam; he wondered how different things would have been if he and his brothers loved each other even half as much as Sam and Dean love one another.
“That doesn’t mean that I am not going to stop and nothing, no matter how many times you trap me in a time loop will stop me.”
Loki shrugged, “True. But that doesn't mean I should. Sam, there's a lesson here that I've been trying to drill into that freakish Cro-Magnon skull of yours.
“Lesson? What lesson?” Sam didn’t look impressed.
“This obsession to save Dean? The way you two keep sacrificing yourselves for each other? Nothing good comes out of it. Just blood and pain. Dean's your weakness. And the bad guys know it, too. It's gonna be the death of you, Sam. Sometimes you just gotta let people go.”
“Never.” Sam would never stop trying to save Dean, there were no lengths he wouldn't go to save his brother.
Gabriel let out a sigh, “I thought you would say that.” The Winchester brothers love for one another was a thing of beauty but it was also a dangerous thing and that had been the lesson he had hoped to teach Sam. He couldn't get involved that would alert his family to his presence and as much as he liked Sam and Dean and he was rooting for them to kick his big brother's asses he didn't want to be dragged into it.
He knows that Heaven and Hell want the apocalypse to happen and Sam and Dean are the key players, everything rests on their shoulders and they don't even have a clue to the burden they carry.
Gabriel studied the determined man before him and he really didn't want to go against Azazel's chosen one and Lucifer's perfect vessel, he didn't really want to find out if Hell's Boy King could match an Archangel. "Fine, I'll bring back Dean and stop the time loop."
The gun in Sam's hand never wavered, "Dean will be unharmed and he will remember none of this." Sam demanded rather than asked.
Gabriel rolled his eyes, "Yes, your precious Dean will be fine." Then Gabriel steeled himself, "It would do well to remember Sam that you can't save everyone and you can't save Dean from his fate. He is going to end up in hell. Dean’s your weakness. The bad guys know it too. It’s gonna be the death of you, Sam.”
“I don’t care and anyone who tries to stop me will learn how hard that is going to be,” Sam's mouth curled up into a snarl, "Do you want to try and stop me?" Nothing would stop Sam from saving Dean even if he had to take all on all of hell.
"Yeah, I'm not that crazy." With a snap of his fingers, Gabriel was gone.
The next thing Sam knew he was waking up in the motel room he had been sharing with Dean six months ago and Sam felt his heart pounding as his eyes landed on Dean alive and well.
No one knew Sam better than Dean so when he found himself with an armful of Sam and his arms wrapped tightly around him Dean knew that something had to happen, later he would ask but for now it felt good to have Sam in his arms.
I planned on having words with Gabriel when I can but for now, I was happy to see my boys reunited.
In the end, it wasn't me that sought out Gabriel he came to me.
The motel room was warded against all kinds of monsters but not against Archangels posing as Norse Gods.
Gabriel was silent as he moved about the room his eyes flickering back and forth between the two sleeping brothers as he moved towards his target.
"I thought that was you," Gabriel whispered as he lifted the amulet up. "All of heaven believes that you are lost I should have known that you would find your way to the perfect vessels of Lucifer and Michael. Since you've been gone Heaven has changed a great deal they want Dean Winchester in hell, John Winchester didn't break so they need another righteous man to break the first seal. Your boys are going to be up against all of hell and heaven and they will do anything to drive them apart, they need them doubting each other so keep a close eye on them."
+*****+
If I thought Sam was lost those six months that Dean was dead in the world Gabriel created it was nothing compared to Sam when he was failed to save Dean from being dragged to hell. Sam was lost and broken and Ruby had sunk her claws deep into Sam promising that she could help Sam get powerful enough to save Dean from hell and get revenge on Lilith for her role in taking Dean from him
Sam's fingers traced the amulet, the amulet that belonged around Dean's neck and not his. "It's just a little while until I get Dean back then you will be back around his neck,” Sam promised as he slipped the amulet underneath his shirt, for some reason he didn’t want Ruby to know that he had it.
“Ready?” Ruby asked a smile on her face.
“I am.” Sam would do whatever it takes to free Dean from hell even drink demon blood.
I wanted to tell Sam that she was lying, that Ruby was a pawn of Lilith's and she was using Sam to fulfill his role as Lucifer's perfect vessel. This wasn't the same Ruby that Dean and Sam had met and worked with something was off about her and yet I had a no way of telling Sam to be careful, not to trust her.
I was also waiting for the angels to make their move but thanks to Gabriel I now knew that they wouldn't until Dean broke in hell, I despised them for that. They were supposed to guard and protect humanity and to leave an innocent soul down in hell to be tortured and suffered until they broke was not what they had been made to do.
Heaven had changed.
The angels had changed so much since I was last there, sometimes I missed it and other times I would never give up the life I have with Sam and Dean. Still, I can’t help but wonder if this is why God left, he saw the road his children were heading down and couldn’t face it. I will be having words with him the next time that I see him.
Sam couldn’t breathe; there was no way that Dean was standing before him alive.
“Hiya Sammy.”
Sam didn’t even remember moving until Dean was in his arms and the moment he felt Dean’s arms wrap around him clinging to him just as much as he was clinging to Dean. Sam didn’t know how Dean was here all that matter was that he was there.
As Sam handed me over to Dean I knew how Sam felt we were complete now that Dean was back where he belonged with us.
+*****+
The first time Castiel appeared I was thankful that my powers had been muted so that he could not sense me. I needed to know if he was to be trusted, the Castiel I know is a warrior and loyal he would do as heaven commanded.
The moment Castiel called Sam an abomination I was enraged that was my Sam they were talking about. How they were so blind to the brightness of Sam’s soul, it shone brighter than any other soul I have seen, his and Dean’s and while Dean’s still carries wounds from his time in hell it still shines brighter than most souls I have seen.
I hated that I was forced to say silent as heaven and hell began playing my boys against each other and I hated it. I hated how Ruby poisoned Sam, used his need to get revenge on Lilith for her role in Dean being sent to hell and tortured there.
My boys were in heaven and I was so angry with the angels for messing with their shared heaven, Sam and Dean were soul mates and their heaven was a safe haven not to be messed with, angels were supposed to guard and protect souls not mess with their final resting place.
I watched helplessly as both sides poisoned Sam and Dean unable to do anything.
Then came a day I never thought would happen, I tried oh did I try to reach out to Dean to get him to stop and think about what he was doing as I hovered above the trash can dangling from Dean’s fingertips if I could speak I would be begging Dean not to do this.
I hit the bottom of the trash can and I never felt worse.
Sam felt like Dean had tossed him away in the trash next to the amulet, the very amulet that once meant the world to Dean.
‘Like I did.’
Sam didn't know that an already broken heart could break even more but he felt his cracked heart shatter completely as he bent down to pick the amulet out of the trash his hand wrapped tightly around it as if he was afraid to let it go and the symbol of his and Dean’s would vanish from his sight.
He couldn’t say anything as he watched Dean stalk out of the motel room; his eyes on the trash can where the amulet he gave Dean all those years ago as a Christmas gift.
Sam didn’t even realize he had moved until he was picking the amulet up out of the trash, “No. I refuse to let them win and drive us apart.” Slipping it over his head Sam tucked it under his shirt. He would keep it safe until the time came when he can return it to Dean.
When Dean wanted him back as well.
I could feel Sam's pain as if it was my own and how I wished that I could comfort Sam; reassure him that the bond between the two of them while stretched had not broken. I knew heaven and hell's plans and how I wish that I could warn them but I was just a necklace my power silenced by my creator and when I found him I would be having words with him.
+*****+
Sam was in the cage and Dean… Dean well he was existing but he was not living not with Sam in the cage and no way to save him without demon or angels help. Dean was doing what Sam asked him to do a live.
I was lost, alone tucked away in the bottom of Sam’s bag wrapped safely up in his purple dog shirt that he loved so much, tucked away in the trunk of the Impala for the first time I was without both of my boys.
I was forgotten, left alone in the dark Dean let no one not even himself touch Sam’s bag.
The next time that I saw the light was when Sam, my Sam, pulled back the zipper and unwrapped me from his favorite shirt, I could sense a presence on Sam that I hadn’t felt since Lucifer was locked away Death.
Death had done something to protect Sam I didn’t know how Sam was freed from the cage but he was back home with Dean and me.
“I’m so sorry I left you alone in the dark. I should have told Dean where to find you.” Sam’s voice was full of apology as he cradled the amulet in the palm of his hands. “I will never leave you alone in the dark again.”
I knew that Sam meant every word of that promise and I made one of my own that I would do everything in my power to keep my boys safe that never again they would have to go through this.
+*****+
It was not an easy promise to keep trouble kept seeking out my boys the wall that Death had created to keep the memories of his torture and more at the hands of Lucifer shattered and I like Dean watched helplessly as Sam drifted further and further away from us as the ghost of Lucifer taunted and hunted him.
Dean is Sam’s anchor and without him, he was adrift. Dean is gone, Sam is broken his wall destroyed he has no anchor to call him back when the monster Lucifer haunts and overwhelm him I feared that there would be nothing left of Sam when Dean returned.
Amelia, I didn’t know what to make of the woman that Sam had met but I knew that Sam couldn’t be out hunting alone the ghost of Lucifer was hunting Sam more and more every day and I feared that one day soon Sam would be lost to me.
Then Dean came back, he was harder at times I didn’t recognize him Purgatory had changed him.
Then came the trails.
“Dean is so mad at me,” Sam whispered as he clutched the amulet in his hands, he felt so weak and he wanted Dean but he didn’t want Dean to see or know how badly the trails were taking on him. “I need to do this, to make amends for all the wrong I have done. I will make Dean proud of me.” Sam whispered.
I wish that I could speak and tell Sam that he had nothing to make amends for and that Dean was so proud of him.
I think Sam needed the comfort I offered him and he packed me in his pocket so I was there in the church when Sam and Dean shared a moment that I will treasure as I know that they will.
Sam could stay silent any longer, “You want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down. I can't do that again.”
Dean couldn’t believe that things had gotten so bad between them that he let Sam think that, “Sam...”
Sam wasn’t done, there were tears in his eyes as he told Dean what had been weighing on him, “What happens when you've decided I can't be trusted again? I mean, who are you gonna turn to next time instead of me? Another angel, another vampire? Do you have any idea what it feels like to watch your brother just...”
Dean couldn’t take anymore and moved towards Sam, “Hold on, hold on! Do you seriously think that? Because none of it, none of it, is true. Listen, man, I know we've had our disagreements, okay? Hell, I know I've said some junk that set you back on your heels. But, Sammy... come on. I killed Benny to save you. I'm willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you. Don't you dare think that there is anything, past or present that I would put in front of you! It has never been like that, ever! I need you to see that. I'm begging you.”
“How do I stop?” Sam asked sounding so broken as he squeezed his hand ignoring the blood that dripped out.
“Just let it go,” Dean told Sam.
“I can't. It's in me, Dean. You don't know what this feels like.” Sam sounded so broken and helpless.
Taking Sam’s hand Dean wrapped a bandanna around Sam’s cut just like he used to do when they were children, “Hey, listen, we will figure it out, okay, just like we always do. Come on.” Dean gave in to the temptation and pulled Sam into a tight hug, “Come on. Let it go, okay? Let it go, brother.”
+******+
I wondered when Sam would return me, to let Dean know that I was still with them. I heard what Dean said to the girls that made a musical about Chuck’s books.
“I don’t need a symbol to remind me how I feel about my brother.”
I had known that all along but I was happy to hear Dean say it out loud and I hoped that Sam heard it as well.
Amara came and Chuck returned.
Sam could feel it, “We're not gonna make it.”
There was no way that Dean was going to let that happened, he wasn’t leaving without Sam. “No, no, no. There's no quittin' here.
Sam could feel it the infection taking him over, “We're never gonna make it.”
“Sam, listen to me. That's not you talking, it's the fog.” There was no after everything they had gone through that Dean was just going to let Sam give up.
“You were gonna choose Amara over me. Over everything.” Sam found himself confessing his greatest fear.
Dean couldn’t believe what he was hearing, “Sam, No!”
A guilty look appeared in Sam’s eyes he hadn’t meant to say that he knows that while Amara has some kind of hold over Dean, his brother would still choose him. “Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that, Dean. I can't fight this, you gotta go. You got to get out before you get infected. Go before I hurt you!”
There was no way that was happening! Dean would rather die here alongside Sam then live without him again, “No. I'm not leaving you, ever! Stop this! You hear me, you dick?” Dean took in a deep breath, breathing in the fog to Sam’s horror.
Sam wanted to stop Dean but before he could a bright light appeared coming from Sam’s jacket pocket reaching in. There is no disguising Dean’s surprise as he pulls the amulet, the one that he had heartlessly dumped in the trash, out of Sam’s pocket. As he looks up at Sam he can finally breathe as he sees that Sam is healed, there are no black veins anywhere on Sam.
They would talk about this later.
+******+
“You kept it, after all of these years.” Dean looked at Sam. “Sammy, you have no idea how much I regret tossing it away. No matter how angry I was throwing it in the trash in front of you was a dick move. I’m sorry. Thank you for keeping it safe all of these years.”
“You’re welcome.” Sam knows that he failed in keeping his emotions out of his voice as he smiled at Dean.
“Come here.”
Sam let his eyes close as he sank into Dean’s hug.
A few moments later Sam and Dean broke apart and Dean moved to hang the amulet on the bare nail above his bed.
Sam could only stare at the amulet that hung in Dean’s room the spot he had made for it after he pulled it out of Sam’s pocket and realized that he had picked it up out of the trash all those years ago
The amulet that had bonded them until Dean tossed it away in the trash, the one that Sam longed to return to Dean and see it around his neck once more.
Once again I was with my boys and watching over the two of them until the time came for them to finally rest.
+*****+
“I know I did the right thing leaving you in the care of Sam and Dean,” Chuck stated as he looked down at the amulet in his hand, he could feel its love and devotion for the Winchester brothers. Chuck knew when he created Dean and then Sam’s souls that they were special and as he watched the two brothers clink their bottles of beer together with the Impala gleaming in the sunlight as Sam and Dean enjoyed the view of the lake.
They have earned their peace and I will still be with them watching over them in their shared heaven.