Dear Jude Part 1
Title: Dear Jude (Part 1/3)
Rating: R-PG13
Pairing:Max/Jude
Author:Medorikoi
Summary:Max writes home from Nam throughout his tour but something is wrong back in the world...
Dear Jude.
How awkward does that sound? So formal…My Dearest Judey, I guess you’ll be seeing it a lot, its only been two days, I’ve only been in Nam for a few hours and I am writing it. I almost wrote sooner actually…I just had this though in my head that the second I got here I would be bombarded with bullets, that it would just start and never end, but I am here, and I am still okay. Anyway, I almost wrote you earlier because we will probably never see each other again, at least not while I’m alive anyway. Don’t- I know you are going to say I am not going to die. That we were all pretending I was just going away on vacation, that I will be okay and come home…I can’t function thinking like that Judey, I don’t believe it, I am going to function like I am not going to get out of here alive. I won’t mention it again for you, but know that that is why I can tell you these things.
When we said goodbye it was good, I hugged everyone, everyone told me that they loved me, and I loved them back and its true and I don’t regret it but even as I drove off I knew what I should have said. Sure I love everyone, they are my friends, my family, but I have had so many friends and you are the first one that ever really mattered. I just wanted you to know.
Things are okay here, calm, wet. So no matter what I say don’t worry about me okay? Tell Lucy I love her. Tell everyone I am okay. Don’t show them this letter.
Love, Max
Dear Jude,
I am finally at an address you can mail me at, I put it on the back of the envelope. I don’t know how the mail would find me but everyone here seems to get mail from home so I guess it works- at least sometimes. I am still alive, joining up with my company today, they suffered heavy casualties on their last operation- guess they need replacements. Its still raining- I haven’t seen the sun since I got here- its like I will never be dry again.
I don’t know why I am telling you these things, I don’t want you to worry, I think- I think maybe I just don’t want to be forgotten. I’m still here. I’m still alive. Life goes on…and I am not a part of it. I’m sorry, thank you. For reading this, for letting me torture you like this. I’m a lot more open in letters than I am in person hu? I guess it is because there are no more repercussions. If I tell you everything the only person I hurt is you, you can worry. I on the other hand will never have to look you in the eyes and know that you know I am afraid. It is okay to have someone with a perfect knowledge of yourself, a prefect judge, if you will never see them again to let them judge.
I’m sorry. I guess I will always be sorry. I love you.
Love Max
Dear Jude,
Thank you for giving the address to everyone, its good to hear about the real world. When I am reading their letters its like I am there, or at least not here. I memorized all of them I’ve read them so many times. I wrote them all back, I told them I am okay, that the weather sucks, that I am safe for now, don’t tell them otherwise even when I tell you okay? My Judey, my unwilling diary. I don’t think I have ever written as much as I have in the last few days and all of it to you- I can’t tell the guys here, the ones I am suppose to fight with, the ones I am suppose to watch die. I cant bring myself to invest myself in people here because I know I couldn’t watch anyone at home die because I love them, if I loved these people it would kill me. I so wish you were here with me, I’m an idiot and sentimental and all of these things I never thought before I left but I miss you- I am so glad you are not here though Judey, I couldn’t watch you die here and live. I couldn’t.
It’s okay that you haven’t written me back. I understand. I’m torturing you and we both know it. I’m not acting like myself and I am utterly dependent on you and it isn’t fair. But I am going to keep writing you if it’s just the same to you. I can pretend you are reading and If you aren’t its okay, I will never have to know. Like I said before..i just need to tell someone and I have no one to tell. You are it for me Judey.
Love Max
Dear Jude,
I am sorry I haven’t written in a few days but I have been on an operation- no letters in or out- so much for easing into the war. You wouldn’t recognize me if you saw me Judey, my hair is short now, military cut, rifle in my arms, I haven’t shaved in days, haven’t bathed in two weeks. It almost makes me happy I wont have to come home, I think it would break Lucys heart if she saw me like this. I feel- or maybe I don’t feel- Jude, being here, seeing this is like killing part of myself, like childhood is being taken from me- not that I should still be a child but I sure as hell feel like one here.
I’m still okay, I’m alive, healthy. They feed me, two meals a day, I would ask for a package but I don’t think you are reading these letters are you Judey? I wonder do you check the dates on the envelope. Think to yourself yes, seven days ago Max was alive?
Jude I still love you, if you read anything I hope it is that. I love you.
-Max
Dear Jude,
I wrote Lucy again and I finally asked her about you, just asked if you were doing okay, I didn’t want her to be suspicious that you didn’t respond that you don’t love me anymore. How melodramatic does that sound? Oh Jude the things you do to me. She sent me a sketch you did, it’s dated the day I left. It of us, you and me, and we are saying goodbye, holding on so tight that we would never have to let go- I’m practically wrapped around you. It beautiful Jude, I hope you don’t mind I have it now because I am not giving it back- I live within it- in the world. It’s safe in plastic in my pack.
I focus on the world out there because I can’t focus on here-now. I’m so scarred Jude- everyday rumors come in, where we are going, stories of midnight ambushes, of suicide detours they make us go on. There is a rumor that my company will have to patrol victory road at night, they own the night. Everyday there is gunfire, explosions, talk of death, which letter to you will be my last?
Dear Jude.
Sorry I haven’t written. I’m…alive…
Love Max
Dear Jude,
The rumors were right Judey, we were sent to patrol at night. The third night it happened, I don’t even know how, I never saw them. There was light, a burst of gun fire and then another. Two thuds, one on either side of me. Then only screaming.
There was so much blood, shot through the heart, I don’t think he ever knew It happened. His eyes were dead before he hit the ground. The thud that turned to screaming, he was on my right, shot through the knee, shrapnel, he was screaming and screaming. I couldn’t help him- he grabbed me, begged, screamed. I held him until the bursts ended and the medics came over. They gave him morphine but it didn’t help, nothing would stop his screaming. I don’t think I will ever stop hearing his screams. Another medic pushed me back, down next to the dead man, he wad talking, saying..something…I don’t know. I couldn’t understand him. Hands all over me-checking me but it wasn’t me- I was covered in their blood, the dead man and the one that couldn’t stop screaming, begging to die, then not to die. Jude I was in the middle, I should be dead, dead like them. The screaming marine died, he hemorrhaged, he never stopped screaming.
Thank god for that plastic Judey, I couldn’t stand it if this blood that covers me tainted the only part of the world I have left- that sketch is all I have left in the world- of the world- of you. It is the only thing left in existence that isn’t red.
Dear Jude,
It is thanksgiving. To think that this time last year I was at home with you. Safe. So young, Jude it think I age 10 years a minute here, how old am I now? We each got a Pepsi today, Happy Thanksgiving.
I enclosed a picture of myself, two of them actually. One with no shirt, smiling at the camera, at least I think it’s a smile. Maybe it’s a grimace. The other I didn’t know about when it was being taken- going through the jungle, I think you can actually see the deaths I have seen in my eyes. They told me to send them to my girlfriend, that either one would delay a Dear John letter, who could dump me when I look as sad as I do? Honestly I would love to get a Dear John letter from you Judey, just to hear from you yourself that you still exist, that the world I will never see again still exists. Then again does it matter? If I pretend you exist, that you care then I can live in that belief. Living is easy with eyes closed, but you know I know when it’s a dream.
I live in a dream, your strawberry fields Judey. -Love Max
Dear Judey,
Christmas day, no cease fire, no calm, no snow, no santa clause, no family, no you. I did get a letter from Lucy and one from Sadie, they both say everything is okay, to stay safe, to come home. They say your okay too. That’s as good a present as I can ask for. Jude, I am sick and tired of this, I am done being afraid, feeling like I am never going to be warm again, like nothing is ever going to be okay again. Nothing is real. I’m sick of writing to a person who doesn’t exist, at least not to me. I have forgotten the shade of your eyes, the exact resonance of your voice, of the wit you once pitted against me. My world has faded and I am so very afraid and at the same time I am not afraid at all. This may very well be my last letter i write to you Judey, my last letter to anyone. I have written the others, hell I even wrote my parents, saying I love them, all of them. Even if I don’t. I volunteered for an operation Jude and I don’t think I am coming back from this one. I was meant to die a long time ago and fate is about to catch up. We are going on foot through the jungle, recovering god knows what and coming back- the percent of casualties expected- Jude I love you. I love you as a friend. I love you as the person in my mind- the person I told everything to who will never judge me because he will never see me again and never wrote me. Judey I love you with everything I am- everything I was and everything I will never get to be. Jude I love you- I love only you. Forever. Goodbye Judey.
I love you -Max
Rating: R-PG13
Pairing:Max/Jude
Author:Medorikoi
Summary:Max writes home from Nam throughout his tour but something is wrong back in the world...
Dear Jude.
How awkward does that sound? So formal…My Dearest Judey, I guess you’ll be seeing it a lot, its only been two days, I’ve only been in Nam for a few hours and I am writing it. I almost wrote sooner actually…I just had this though in my head that the second I got here I would be bombarded with bullets, that it would just start and never end, but I am here, and I am still okay. Anyway, I almost wrote you earlier because we will probably never see each other again, at least not while I’m alive anyway. Don’t- I know you are going to say I am not going to die. That we were all pretending I was just going away on vacation, that I will be okay and come home…I can’t function thinking like that Judey, I don’t believe it, I am going to function like I am not going to get out of here alive. I won’t mention it again for you, but know that that is why I can tell you these things.
When we said goodbye it was good, I hugged everyone, everyone told me that they loved me, and I loved them back and its true and I don’t regret it but even as I drove off I knew what I should have said. Sure I love everyone, they are my friends, my family, but I have had so many friends and you are the first one that ever really mattered. I just wanted you to know.
Things are okay here, calm, wet. So no matter what I say don’t worry about me okay? Tell Lucy I love her. Tell everyone I am okay. Don’t show them this letter.
Love, Max
Dear Jude,
I am finally at an address you can mail me at, I put it on the back of the envelope. I don’t know how the mail would find me but everyone here seems to get mail from home so I guess it works- at least sometimes. I am still alive, joining up with my company today, they suffered heavy casualties on their last operation- guess they need replacements. Its still raining- I haven’t seen the sun since I got here- its like I will never be dry again.
I don’t know why I am telling you these things, I don’t want you to worry, I think- I think maybe I just don’t want to be forgotten. I’m still here. I’m still alive. Life goes on…and I am not a part of it. I’m sorry, thank you. For reading this, for letting me torture you like this. I’m a lot more open in letters than I am in person hu? I guess it is because there are no more repercussions. If I tell you everything the only person I hurt is you, you can worry. I on the other hand will never have to look you in the eyes and know that you know I am afraid. It is okay to have someone with a perfect knowledge of yourself, a prefect judge, if you will never see them again to let them judge.
I’m sorry. I guess I will always be sorry. I love you.
Love Max
Dear Jude,
Thank you for giving the address to everyone, its good to hear about the real world. When I am reading their letters its like I am there, or at least not here. I memorized all of them I’ve read them so many times. I wrote them all back, I told them I am okay, that the weather sucks, that I am safe for now, don’t tell them otherwise even when I tell you okay? My Judey, my unwilling diary. I don’t think I have ever written as much as I have in the last few days and all of it to you- I can’t tell the guys here, the ones I am suppose to fight with, the ones I am suppose to watch die. I cant bring myself to invest myself in people here because I know I couldn’t watch anyone at home die because I love them, if I loved these people it would kill me. I so wish you were here with me, I’m an idiot and sentimental and all of these things I never thought before I left but I miss you- I am so glad you are not here though Judey, I couldn’t watch you die here and live. I couldn’t.
It’s okay that you haven’t written me back. I understand. I’m torturing you and we both know it. I’m not acting like myself and I am utterly dependent on you and it isn’t fair. But I am going to keep writing you if it’s just the same to you. I can pretend you are reading and If you aren’t its okay, I will never have to know. Like I said before..i just need to tell someone and I have no one to tell. You are it for me Judey.
Love Max
Dear Jude,
I am sorry I haven’t written in a few days but I have been on an operation- no letters in or out- so much for easing into the war. You wouldn’t recognize me if you saw me Judey, my hair is short now, military cut, rifle in my arms, I haven’t shaved in days, haven’t bathed in two weeks. It almost makes me happy I wont have to come home, I think it would break Lucys heart if she saw me like this. I feel- or maybe I don’t feel- Jude, being here, seeing this is like killing part of myself, like childhood is being taken from me- not that I should still be a child but I sure as hell feel like one here.
I’m still okay, I’m alive, healthy. They feed me, two meals a day, I would ask for a package but I don’t think you are reading these letters are you Judey? I wonder do you check the dates on the envelope. Think to yourself yes, seven days ago Max was alive?
Jude I still love you, if you read anything I hope it is that. I love you.
-Max
Dear Jude,
I wrote Lucy again and I finally asked her about you, just asked if you were doing okay, I didn’t want her to be suspicious that you didn’t respond that you don’t love me anymore. How melodramatic does that sound? Oh Jude the things you do to me. She sent me a sketch you did, it’s dated the day I left. It of us, you and me, and we are saying goodbye, holding on so tight that we would never have to let go- I’m practically wrapped around you. It beautiful Jude, I hope you don’t mind I have it now because I am not giving it back- I live within it- in the world. It’s safe in plastic in my pack.
I focus on the world out there because I can’t focus on here-now. I’m so scarred Jude- everyday rumors come in, where we are going, stories of midnight ambushes, of suicide detours they make us go on. There is a rumor that my company will have to patrol victory road at night, they own the night. Everyday there is gunfire, explosions, talk of death, which letter to you will be my last?
Dear Jude.
Sorry I haven’t written. I’m…alive…
Love Max
Dear Jude,
The rumors were right Judey, we were sent to patrol at night. The third night it happened, I don’t even know how, I never saw them. There was light, a burst of gun fire and then another. Two thuds, one on either side of me. Then only screaming.
There was so much blood, shot through the heart, I don’t think he ever knew It happened. His eyes were dead before he hit the ground. The thud that turned to screaming, he was on my right, shot through the knee, shrapnel, he was screaming and screaming. I couldn’t help him- he grabbed me, begged, screamed. I held him until the bursts ended and the medics came over. They gave him morphine but it didn’t help, nothing would stop his screaming. I don’t think I will ever stop hearing his screams. Another medic pushed me back, down next to the dead man, he wad talking, saying..something…I don’t know. I couldn’t understand him. Hands all over me-checking me but it wasn’t me- I was covered in their blood, the dead man and the one that couldn’t stop screaming, begging to die, then not to die. Jude I was in the middle, I should be dead, dead like them. The screaming marine died, he hemorrhaged, he never stopped screaming.
Thank god for that plastic Judey, I couldn’t stand it if this blood that covers me tainted the only part of the world I have left- that sketch is all I have left in the world- of the world- of you. It is the only thing left in existence that isn’t red.
Dear Jude,
It is thanksgiving. To think that this time last year I was at home with you. Safe. So young, Jude it think I age 10 years a minute here, how old am I now? We each got a Pepsi today, Happy Thanksgiving.
I enclosed a picture of myself, two of them actually. One with no shirt, smiling at the camera, at least I think it’s a smile. Maybe it’s a grimace. The other I didn’t know about when it was being taken- going through the jungle, I think you can actually see the deaths I have seen in my eyes. They told me to send them to my girlfriend, that either one would delay a Dear John letter, who could dump me when I look as sad as I do? Honestly I would love to get a Dear John letter from you Judey, just to hear from you yourself that you still exist, that the world I will never see again still exists. Then again does it matter? If I pretend you exist, that you care then I can live in that belief. Living is easy with eyes closed, but you know I know when it’s a dream.
I live in a dream, your strawberry fields Judey. -Love Max
Dear Judey,
Christmas day, no cease fire, no calm, no snow, no santa clause, no family, no you. I did get a letter from Lucy and one from Sadie, they both say everything is okay, to stay safe, to come home. They say your okay too. That’s as good a present as I can ask for. Jude, I am sick and tired of this, I am done being afraid, feeling like I am never going to be warm again, like nothing is ever going to be okay again. Nothing is real. I’m sick of writing to a person who doesn’t exist, at least not to me. I have forgotten the shade of your eyes, the exact resonance of your voice, of the wit you once pitted against me. My world has faded and I am so very afraid and at the same time I am not afraid at all. This may very well be my last letter i write to you Judey, my last letter to anyone. I have written the others, hell I even wrote my parents, saying I love them, all of them. Even if I don’t. I volunteered for an operation Jude and I don’t think I am coming back from this one. I was meant to die a long time ago and fate is about to catch up. We are going on foot through the jungle, recovering god knows what and coming back- the percent of casualties expected- Jude I love you. I love you as a friend. I love you as the person in my mind- the person I told everything to who will never judge me because he will never see me again and never wrote me. Judey I love you with everything I am- everything I was and everything I will never get to be. Jude I love you- I love only you. Forever. Goodbye Judey.
I love you -Max