all we can do is just stand here and play each hand we're dealt; forget the pain we felt
lj still exists?
there's no reason this can't go into a personal journal, i guess. as if someone's gonna google something random, happen upon this one entry and start crazy life-changes. but here's hoping? i don't know. i'm just compelled at the moment. i'm not even making sense to myself.
i do not understand the men that the universe brings into my life. none of them are ready for me. ALL of them feel like the most amazing person ever. all of them seem to desire my company, and all of them make me so happy.
why would you introduce me to one of these men TWO WEEKS after he confirms a facebook request for a (BARF) girlfriend? (when i say "you," i mean god, or the universe, or buddha, or whatever-the-fuck, just so we're clear.) why would you then have us establish a FUCKING INTENSE connection (and oh god, it was something) if you weren't going to give him the strength to end his already (ADMITTEDLY!) flawed "relationship"? ugh, and she's a STUUUUPID little GIRL. 19, shut the fuck up. really? HER?!??#!@?$ she posts cat wigs & "my teenage angst music as revenge for the music you overload me with" on his wall and i want to vomit. after we had ~*~OuR NiGhT**~ (kill me), i was informed that he needed to "see this through as best i can" because "she came over when i was sick this weekend and took care of me, and we talked about a lot." PLEASE. oh, fucking, PLEASE. if he'd let me, i would have done it too. better. it's only a title, boy. COME ON. and i know every girl thinks she's SOOOOOOoOo much better for him than she is, but guys, seriously - I'M SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER FOR HIM THAN SHE IS. we went to fucking HIGH SCHOOL together. he was my & my friend's cat's vet tech for over a year, and he's been trying to ask me out that entire time. we have DOZENS of the same friends, and OH, I CAN GET INTO EVENTS & BARS THAT ARE 21+. oh, and i smoke. OH, AND I WILL NEVER POST A CAT WIG ON YOUR WALL, OR MUSIC THAT I KNOW YOU HATE BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE YOU SENT ME TOO MUCH OF YOUR OWN. he truly blows me away and i have never wanted to understand a person more than i want to understand him. i'm trying to keep him around since there are obviously no wedding bells in their future; i'm trying to believe that i have no remaining eggs in his basket but oh, sweet jesus, my heart is still more broken than i care to admit. clearly.
why would you then bring me someone better - someone SINGLE and better, even! - and let us have the night we've both wanted since we met a year ago or more, only to then have him back out of not only "taking it slow" but also our well-established friendship?! is this a fucking joke?! you're not ready for a relationship. FINE. i don't want to be in a relationship for someone who isn't ready for one either. but ignoring my calls after you called me EVERY day for a month, saw me every week (at least) for a year, and telling me you're NOT disappearing? we can't even be FRIENDS? i'm begging you, universe - please, oh please, COME. ON. and what the fuck pussy excuse is that, "i'm not ready"?! who the fuck is ever READY? where are all the risk-takers, and why am i continually interacting with people who can keep me on my toes if they don't WANT to keep me on my toes? when is it MY TURN?
my ex-boyfriend just went on a 6 day vacation with his new (year-long) girlfriend, to rub salt in my wounds juuuuuuuust a smidge more. it's not like i want him back or anything like that - i will always have love for the guy, and his girlfriend is legit PERFECT for him - way more perfect than we ever were for each other - and i could not be happier for him. i know how he treated me and i know how much love is in that guy's heart, and i want him to give it to someone forever. i hope it's kayla. it's just...uggggghhhh, EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY and i'm sitting here with my emotions firing at warp speed with no consistency or timing whatsoever.
this is the part of the entry where i analyze all my character flaws, i suppose. what the fuck, though. I LOVE MYSELF. no, seriously, i think i'm awesome. not in like a "hey look at me i can do no wrong" way - i can definitely improve - but one of the things #2 has said about me more than once is that he loves that i'm just myself, no matter what, and you can take it or leave it but i'm always honest. i think that's fucking awesome. and i think it's more awesome that at least one other person on earth noticed this about me. i'm pretty messy (which i hate), and i comfort myself with food more often than i'd like to publicly admit (don't we all), and i probably could shed a few (50) pounds, but damn, why do the things i want keep slipping out of my hands?
i am at a complete loss. i want to see the rainbows & unicorns, i want to believe that if it's not him it's someone better & that what i'm going to get in the future will be worth all of what i'm feeling now. usually i can, but right now i just want to hate my life a little.
seriously, just...why though? WHY?
there's no reason this can't go into a personal journal, i guess. as if someone's gonna google something random, happen upon this one entry and start crazy life-changes. but here's hoping? i don't know. i'm just compelled at the moment. i'm not even making sense to myself.
i do not understand the men that the universe brings into my life. none of them are ready for me. ALL of them feel like the most amazing person ever. all of them seem to desire my company, and all of them make me so happy.
why would you introduce me to one of these men TWO WEEKS after he confirms a facebook request for a (BARF) girlfriend? (when i say "you," i mean god, or the universe, or buddha, or whatever-the-fuck, just so we're clear.) why would you then have us establish a FUCKING INTENSE connection (and oh god, it was something) if you weren't going to give him the strength to end his already (ADMITTEDLY!) flawed "relationship"? ugh, and she's a STUUUUPID little GIRL. 19, shut the fuck up. really? HER?!??#!@?$ she posts cat wigs & "my teenage angst music as revenge for the music you overload me with" on his wall and i want to vomit. after we had ~*~OuR NiGhT**~ (kill me), i was informed that he needed to "see this through as best i can" because "she came over when i was sick this weekend and took care of me, and we talked about a lot." PLEASE. oh, fucking, PLEASE. if he'd let me, i would have done it too. better. it's only a title, boy. COME ON. and i know every girl thinks she's SOOOOOOoOo much better for him than she is, but guys, seriously - I'M SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER FOR HIM THAN SHE IS. we went to fucking HIGH SCHOOL together. he was my & my friend's cat's vet tech for over a year, and he's been trying to ask me out that entire time. we have DOZENS of the same friends, and OH, I CAN GET INTO EVENTS & BARS THAT ARE 21+. oh, and i smoke. OH, AND I WILL NEVER POST A CAT WIG ON YOUR WALL, OR MUSIC THAT I KNOW YOU HATE BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE YOU SENT ME TOO MUCH OF YOUR OWN. he truly blows me away and i have never wanted to understand a person more than i want to understand him. i'm trying to keep him around since there are obviously no wedding bells in their future; i'm trying to believe that i have no remaining eggs in his basket but oh, sweet jesus, my heart is still more broken than i care to admit. clearly.
why would you then bring me someone better - someone SINGLE and better, even! - and let us have the night we've both wanted since we met a year ago or more, only to then have him back out of not only "taking it slow" but also our well-established friendship?! is this a fucking joke?! you're not ready for a relationship. FINE. i don't want to be in a relationship for someone who isn't ready for one either. but ignoring my calls after you called me EVERY day for a month, saw me every week (at least) for a year, and telling me you're NOT disappearing? we can't even be FRIENDS? i'm begging you, universe - please, oh please, COME. ON. and what the fuck pussy excuse is that, "i'm not ready"?! who the fuck is ever READY? where are all the risk-takers, and why am i continually interacting with people who can keep me on my toes if they don't WANT to keep me on my toes? when is it MY TURN?
my ex-boyfriend just went on a 6 day vacation with his new (year-long) girlfriend, to rub salt in my wounds juuuuuuuust a smidge more. it's not like i want him back or anything like that - i will always have love for the guy, and his girlfriend is legit PERFECT for him - way more perfect than we ever were for each other - and i could not be happier for him. i know how he treated me and i know how much love is in that guy's heart, and i want him to give it to someone forever. i hope it's kayla. it's just...uggggghhhh, EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY and i'm sitting here with my emotions firing at warp speed with no consistency or timing whatsoever.
this is the part of the entry where i analyze all my character flaws, i suppose. what the fuck, though. I LOVE MYSELF. no, seriously, i think i'm awesome. not in like a "hey look at me i can do no wrong" way - i can definitely improve - but one of the things #2 has said about me more than once is that he loves that i'm just myself, no matter what, and you can take it or leave it but i'm always honest. i think that's fucking awesome. and i think it's more awesome that at least one other person on earth noticed this about me. i'm pretty messy (which i hate), and i comfort myself with food more often than i'd like to publicly admit (don't we all), and i probably could shed a few (50) pounds, but damn, why do the things i want keep slipping out of my hands?
i am at a complete loss. i want to see the rainbows & unicorns, i want to believe that if it's not him it's someone better & that what i'm going to get in the future will be worth all of what i'm feeling now. usually i can, but right now i just want to hate my life a little.
seriously, just...why though? WHY?