(no subject)
I tossed and turned on the lumpy couch I'd been laying on. Willow was off being taken care of by Oz. Dawn was kind of pouting in the corner, Faith was resting, Kennedy and Tessa were watching Morrigan.
So I was alone with my thoughts, and that was never a good thing. I couldn't stop thinking about Angel, when he'd turned into Angelus, when he pretended to be Evil to out Faith. And now, how he's supposedly going all crazy again. What if we can't bring him back this time. Was he even Angelus? I mean who could ... Oh God. Did he make his choice? Cordelia?
I felt sick. I got up quickly and ran to the bathroom, dry heaving for at least 10 minutes. I felt like my entire body was going to knots. I didn't know when I started crying, and I just curled up on the dirty bathroom floor. I know it was pathetic, I knew this realization was going to happen. Somehow I'd thought for sure, when it came down to it, he'd want me.
I think I'd been holding it all in, the looks that they'd shared, the years I'd missed. I felt like I was dying. I felt like I didn't care anymore. Once this was over, once Morrigan was safe and the first was gone. I was going to end it.
Then there would be no more pain. I wouldn't have to wonder. Maybe I'd be a peace again. Maybe she'd hold me again. Maybe I could feel his arms around me in heaven.
So I was alone with my thoughts, and that was never a good thing. I couldn't stop thinking about Angel, when he'd turned into Angelus, when he pretended to be Evil to out Faith. And now, how he's supposedly going all crazy again. What if we can't bring him back this time. Was he even Angelus? I mean who could ... Oh God. Did he make his choice? Cordelia?
I felt sick. I got up quickly and ran to the bathroom, dry heaving for at least 10 minutes. I felt like my entire body was going to knots. I didn't know when I started crying, and I just curled up on the dirty bathroom floor. I know it was pathetic, I knew this realization was going to happen. Somehow I'd thought for sure, when it came down to it, he'd want me.
I think I'd been holding it all in, the looks that they'd shared, the years I'd missed. I felt like I was dying. I felt like I didn't care anymore. Once this was over, once Morrigan was safe and the first was gone. I was going to end it.
Then there would be no more pain. I wouldn't have to wonder. Maybe I'd be a peace again. Maybe she'd hold me again. Maybe I could feel his arms around me in heaven.