just have to get this out
That phone call was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to hear. "She has been missing since Wednesday night". Missing? What does that even mean? That could mean anything, and that is the scariest thing, is not even knowing. I had the worst time sleeping, I was already exhausted. I hated not knowing. I was relieved to find out the next morning that they had found you. But it wasn't even real relief, it really just meant that there is more to come. It's not over and I can't even begin to see the end, or even the turning point.
Sometimes I wonder what even goes through your head. You are throwing your life away. All you know is how to be sick, to not be well. To take drugs. To just think if you can make it through the day. You are 20 years old. It is time to grow up. It is time to take control of your life. It is up to you. You have the support of your family. Maybe not quite your immediate family, but your extended family is there for you when you want the help. But you have to want it. It has to start with you. I want to give you money to put you in rehab. I will pay for it if I have to. I have the money. I just need the commitment from you. I want to know that you are going to get better. I miss the times we had when we were younger. My mom hated how your family broke my heart. Sometimes I was so bitter that your mom kept us apart for trivial reasons. I wish we had more times together when we were younger. When life was more simple. You were the one person that I always thought of first to go to basketball camp with or do anything with, you were always my best friend, my second half. I looked up to you so much. I cannot stand the thought of you not being here. But in reality you really haven’t “been here” in years. I miss the times we would just sit and giggle about nothing. God I always wanted to be just like you. I thought the world of you. You had everything. Everyone wanted to be like you, or at least be around you. You were so popular and cool and you didn’t even know it. You never tried to impress anyone or put on an act for anyone. You were just great just being yourself. You’re smart, beautiful, fun, laid back, you just have something about you that people are drawn too. God I miss that too. I think I can still see it, but that part gets smaller every day, it gets harder and harder for me to see every time I see you. But I know it is still there. Now there are just so many layers outside of that. I want to help you scrape off those layers and leave them behind. But I know there is only so much I can do. How can I even begin to help if you don’t even return my calls. I am worried about you more than you can ever imagine. My eyes well with tears whenever I think about it. I don’t see it getting better any time soon and that scares the hell out of me. What is it going to take? When is it going to get better?
Sometimes I wonder what even goes through your head. You are throwing your life away. All you know is how to be sick, to not be well. To take drugs. To just think if you can make it through the day. You are 20 years old. It is time to grow up. It is time to take control of your life. It is up to you. You have the support of your family. Maybe not quite your immediate family, but your extended family is there for you when you want the help. But you have to want it. It has to start with you. I want to give you money to put you in rehab. I will pay for it if I have to. I have the money. I just need the commitment from you. I want to know that you are going to get better. I miss the times we had when we were younger. My mom hated how your family broke my heart. Sometimes I was so bitter that your mom kept us apart for trivial reasons. I wish we had more times together when we were younger. When life was more simple. You were the one person that I always thought of first to go to basketball camp with or do anything with, you were always my best friend, my second half. I looked up to you so much. I cannot stand the thought of you not being here. But in reality you really haven’t “been here” in years. I miss the times we would just sit and giggle about nothing. God I always wanted to be just like you. I thought the world of you. You had everything. Everyone wanted to be like you, or at least be around you. You were so popular and cool and you didn’t even know it. You never tried to impress anyone or put on an act for anyone. You were just great just being yourself. You’re smart, beautiful, fun, laid back, you just have something about you that people are drawn too. God I miss that too. I think I can still see it, but that part gets smaller every day, it gets harder and harder for me to see every time I see you. But I know it is still there. Now there are just so many layers outside of that. I want to help you scrape off those layers and leave them behind. But I know there is only so much I can do. How can I even begin to help if you don’t even return my calls. I am worried about you more than you can ever imagine. My eyes well with tears whenever I think about it. I don’t see it getting better any time soon and that scares the hell out of me. What is it going to take? When is it going to get better?