OOC: LOG POST! Isshin gives Ichigo "the Talk"
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Who: Ichigo and Isshin!
What: Isshin thinks it's high time he and Ichigo had a "Grown-up Talk" ;)
Where: Ichigo's room
When: Uhm, a week or so ago, I suppose
Why: Because embarrassing Ichigo is awesome Isshin wants Ichigo to have all the facts so he can make good decisions. Obviously!
Rating: Maybe PG-13 for some...clinical terms.
Ichigo sat at his desk in his room, putting the finishing touches on his history paper. Once I'm done with this I can start on my algebra homework, he thought, excited to be almost done with his homework for the night.
Isshin carefully placed his ear against Ichigo's door and heard the sounds of rustling paper. Perfect. Taking a few steps back to allow himself enough distance to get some good momentum going, he launched himself feet-first into Ichigo's room, aiming to hit his son in the side and hopefully incapacitate him. It was very important he have this talk with his son, and he wasn't going to let Ichigo escape this time.
Ichigo heard a loud crash as his father burst into his room. He fell off his chair trying to dodge his father's sneak attack "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU FREAK?!" he shouted, jumping to his feet, readying himself for another assault from his dad.
Isshin picked himself up from the floor, grinning. "Daddy's here to give you the Talk!"
Ichigo stared at Isshin, eyes wide in horror.
"No....not the Talk....please no, anything but that!" he said, glancing around the room for an escape.
"Ichigo, it's long past time we did this!" His grin widened for a moment, then he dove to tackle Ichigo at the knees before he could make a break for it.
Ichigo shouted in surprise as Isshin tackled him to the ground. He groaned, realizing that there was no way out of this. "Okay fine! Let's just get this over with! Would you let me up or do we have to have the talk like this?"
Isshin chuckled and stood, dusting off his pants. He pulled out Ichigo's desk chair and sat, rubbing his chin in thought. He sat silently for a moment, then stood. "Hmm." He tapped his foot, then started pacing. "Hmmmmmm..."
Ichigo gaped at Isshin as he paced, certain that he was just dragging this out to torture him. "Well...." he said expectantly, wishing he was doing anything else but this.
Isshin rubbed the back of his head and gave a nervous chuckle. "Sorry, Ichigo. Daddy's never done this before..." He returned to the chair and sat again. "I'm just trying to decide how to start." He looked at Ichigo hopefully. "Well, let's see. Maybe...maybe you have some questions you want to ask me?"
Ichigo felt slightly sorry for his dad, but remembered that he was the one forcing this discussion on him, so his sympathy disappeared quickly.
"No I don't have any questions," he said awkwardly,"Uh......well I know about.....babies.....maybe you should start at the part.....right before babies? I dunno, you're the parent, you figure out how to start!" he crossed his arms and scowled.
Isshin cleared his throat and adjusted the collar on his lab coat. "Okay. Well..." He eyed Ichigo levelly. "Do you know what a 'clitoris' is?"
"No idea," Ichigo said, "but it sounds weird. What is it?"
Isshin rubbed his chin. "We-e-ell, when a man and a woman really love each other..." He paused. "Hmm. Maybe Daddy is getting ahead of himself. --Hahaha! It's a good thing I can practice this on you before I have to have this talk with Karin and Yuzu!"
Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Yeah, great, can't you hurry this along a bit? I have homework to finish!"
Isshin tapped his finger against his chin. "Maybe I should have brought some diagrams..." He slapped his hands down on his knees. "Okay! Daddy is ready now!" He put on a serious face. "Now, Ichigo. You're reaching an age where your hormones are going to be sending you a lot of messages. You're coming into your sexual maturity. Daddy just wants to make sure you are properly educated so you can make responsible decisions." He raised an eyebrow. "...Do you have anyone you like? Like like??"
Ichigo's eyes went wide and his face turned even redder. "Uhhhhhhhh, I dunno--wait a minute, what does that matter? Just tell me the important stuff so you can get the hell out of my room, you psycho!!!"
Isshin wagged a finger. "Now, Ichigo. No need to be embarrassed. Daddy's just trying to help. I'm sure there must be some girl in your class that you like..." He eyed Ichigo carefully. "Oho! Or is it some boy? That's okay, too! Daddy's hip!" He winked and flashed a thumbs-up.
It took every ounce of self control to keep from tackling Isshin and pounding him with all his might. Instead of doing this, he let out a strangled yell and began banging his head against the wall.
Isshin sighed and flapped a dismissive hand. "Okay then, don't tell Daddy... The point is, when you have someone you really really like, you're probably going to want to express your affection in a physical way." He paused. "...Is it that Ishida boy?"
"STOP IT, STOP IT JUST-" Ichigo couldn't take much more of this. "FINE, YOU WANNA KNOW?! I'VE BEEN DATING RUKIA FOR MONTHS, SHE'S VERY SPECIAL PERSON AND I-" Ichigo suddenly realized what he was saying.
"OH DAMNIT!" clapping his hand over his face.
Isshin blinked. "What? You. And...Rukia-chan?" For a moment his lip seemed to tremble. His eyes became large and liquid. "And...neither of you said anything to Daddy?" A sudden thought seemed to strike him, and he snapped his fingers. "Could it be...were you worried I wouldn't approve? Haha, oh Ichigo! You know I think of Rukia-chan like a daughter!" He clapped Ichigo on the shoulder. "Of course Daddy approves! This is great! Now she can be a part of the family officially!!!" He gave Ichigo a grin bordering on psychotic.
"Stop that, jeez, it's not like I said we're engaged or anything, we're just...seeing each other." He blushed and shifted awkwardly. "And what does that have to do with this stupid talk anyway?!" He glared, losing all patience with his nutty father.
Isshin cleared his throat and tried to replace the grin on his face with a stern look. The results were mixed, and made him look more than a little insane. "Now, Ichigo. I want you to be completely honest with Daddy. How much have you and Rukia-chan done together?"
Ichigo wondered dimly if it were possible to die from blushing too hard. He recoiled from his father, backing into the wall and sliding down onto the floor. "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A CREEPY OLD PERVERT?! YOU'RE JUST AS BAD AS URAHARA!" Ichigo shouted, teeth bared, looking quite deranged.
You should really just tell him or he'll never leave you alone, he said to himself, at this point desperate for a way to make Isshin leave. Ichigo stared at his lap. "We've...kissed," he mumbled.
Isshin raised an eyebrow. "Only kissed?"
"YES!" Ichigo shouted, putting his hands on his hips and glaring. "Rukia and I are just fine taking it slow!"
"So in other words, you needed Daddy's wisdom!!!" Isshin rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, Daddy was going to talk about sexually transmitted diseases, but I think we can skip over that for now. Rukia-chan's a good girl, so you won't have to worry about that." He rubbed his hands together. "Okay. We'll get right into the good stuff!"
"I didn't need your crackpot wisdom, I just...didn't want to get into all that stuff...I'm only 16 after all, geez!" Ichigo puffed up his chest defensivly and turned away, shuddering to think what kind of "good stuff" Isshin was refering to. He blushed. Again.
Isshin took a deep breath. "We-e-ellll...let's talk about sex!" He flashed a big smile at Ichigo and began to talk more quickly. "You probably know the basic jist of sexual intercourse, right? The boy's penis becomes erect when he's aroused--hahaha, I know you know about that, I've seen you walking around in the morning!--and he inserts it into the girl's vagina, and usually there's thrusting or a variation thereof until one or both of them have an orgasm! The boy's ejaculate is what contains the sperm, which may make the girl pregnant. Of course, that's a very simple explanation. I'm sure you wonder a lot about more specific stuff, and Daddy will answer any questions you might have!" He sat eagerly forward in his chair.
Ichigo's eyes grew wide with horror as Isshin went on and on. What horrified him more than the many blush-worthy words Isshin used was the fact that he did in fact have questions, ones he was terrified to ask lest more humiliation ensue.
"Uh....how exactly does the guy.....I mean what does a girl...look like?" he closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead furiously, awaiting futher embarrassment.
Isshin looked puzzled for a moment, then the little internal light bulb switched on. "Oh! You mean a woman's genitals!" He tapped his chin, muttering to himself. "I knew I should have brought diagrams..."He grabbed up a notebook and a magic marker from Ichigo's desk, and by way of explanation began scribbling out a picture worthy of Rukia, (though thankfully sans bear- or bunny-ears). And, of course, there was the subject matter...never in a million years would Rukia be drawing...that.
Ichigo glanced at the sketch his father was doing, and gulped, intimidated by its strangeness. "Is that really....huh." he tilted his head to the side and squinted, trying to process what he was looking at. "So does it go in....there?" he asked, pointing at the center of Isshin's drawing.
Isshin nodded enthusiastically. "Most of the time!" He flipped the drawing around and pointed further down. "Now, if two people love each other enough and are really comfortable with each other, the girl might let him--"
"Wait, WHAT?!?!" Ichigo shouted, staring wide-eyed and disgusted at his father. "But isn't that...EW, YOU'RE A SICKO, YOU KNOW THAT?!??!" He tore the drawing out of the notebook and crumbled it angrily. "GET OUT, YOU CREEP!"
"Oh." Isshin rubbed the back of his neck. "Maybe Daddy should've waited a little bit longer on that part.
"Okay, forget that! What other questions do you have?"
"NONE! LEAVE!!! NOW!!!" he bellowed, picking up his desk chair and brandishing it at Isshin. "YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE FOR ONE NIGHT!"
Isshin pouted. "But Ichigo! We were having such a nice talk!"
"NOW!!!!!" He hurled the chair at his father, hoping it would hurt. A lot.
Isshin ducked, the chair narrowly flying over his head. Unfortunately, the dresser drawer that followed it hit its mark. Stunned, he staggered backwards out of Ichigo's room.
Ichigo was preparing to throw another dresser drawer at Isshin when he retreated out of Ichigo's room. "That outta teach you to be such a gross old man!" he shouted after him, panting slightly as he returned his possessions to their rightful places.
Once he caught his breath, he surreptitiously picked up the crumpled piece of paper and smoothed it out against his knee, studying it intently. "I wonder what this little knobby thing on top is..."
Who: Ichigo and Isshin!
What: Isshin thinks it's high time he and Ichigo had a "Grown-up Talk" ;)
Where: Ichigo's room
When: Uhm, a week or so ago, I suppose
Why: Because embarrassing Ichigo is awesome Isshin wants Ichigo to have all the facts so he can make good decisions. Obviously!
Rating: Maybe PG-13 for some...clinical terms.
Ichigo sat at his desk in his room, putting the finishing touches on his history paper. Once I'm done with this I can start on my algebra homework, he thought, excited to be almost done with his homework for the night.
Isshin carefully placed his ear against Ichigo's door and heard the sounds of rustling paper. Perfect. Taking a few steps back to allow himself enough distance to get some good momentum going, he launched himself feet-first into Ichigo's room, aiming to hit his son in the side and hopefully incapacitate him. It was very important he have this talk with his son, and he wasn't going to let Ichigo escape this time.
Ichigo heard a loud crash as his father burst into his room. He fell off his chair trying to dodge his father's sneak attack "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU FREAK?!" he shouted, jumping to his feet, readying himself for another assault from his dad.
Isshin picked himself up from the floor, grinning. "Daddy's here to give you the Talk!"
Ichigo stared at Isshin, eyes wide in horror.
"No....not the Talk....please no, anything but that!" he said, glancing around the room for an escape.
"Ichigo, it's long past time we did this!" His grin widened for a moment, then he dove to tackle Ichigo at the knees before he could make a break for it.
Ichigo shouted in surprise as Isshin tackled him to the ground. He groaned, realizing that there was no way out of this. "Okay fine! Let's just get this over with! Would you let me up or do we have to have the talk like this?"
Isshin chuckled and stood, dusting off his pants. He pulled out Ichigo's desk chair and sat, rubbing his chin in thought. He sat silently for a moment, then stood. "Hmm." He tapped his foot, then started pacing. "Hmmmmmm..."
Ichigo gaped at Isshin as he paced, certain that he was just dragging this out to torture him. "Well...." he said expectantly, wishing he was doing anything else but this.
Isshin rubbed the back of his head and gave a nervous chuckle. "Sorry, Ichigo. Daddy's never done this before..." He returned to the chair and sat again. "I'm just trying to decide how to start." He looked at Ichigo hopefully. "Well, let's see. Maybe...maybe you have some questions you want to ask me?"
Ichigo felt slightly sorry for his dad, but remembered that he was the one forcing this discussion on him, so his sympathy disappeared quickly.
"No I don't have any questions," he said awkwardly,"Uh......well I know about.....babies.....maybe you should start at the part.....right before babies? I dunno, you're the parent, you figure out how to start!" he crossed his arms and scowled.
Isshin cleared his throat and adjusted the collar on his lab coat. "Okay. Well..." He eyed Ichigo levelly. "Do you know what a 'clitoris' is?"
"No idea," Ichigo said, "but it sounds weird. What is it?"
Isshin rubbed his chin. "We-e-ell, when a man and a woman really love each other..." He paused. "Hmm. Maybe Daddy is getting ahead of himself. --Hahaha! It's a good thing I can practice this on you before I have to have this talk with Karin and Yuzu!"
Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Yeah, great, can't you hurry this along a bit? I have homework to finish!"
Isshin tapped his finger against his chin. "Maybe I should have brought some diagrams..." He slapped his hands down on his knees. "Okay! Daddy is ready now!" He put on a serious face. "Now, Ichigo. You're reaching an age where your hormones are going to be sending you a lot of messages. You're coming into your sexual maturity. Daddy just wants to make sure you are properly educated so you can make responsible decisions." He raised an eyebrow. "...Do you have anyone you like? Like like??"
Ichigo's eyes went wide and his face turned even redder. "Uhhhhhhhh, I dunno--wait a minute, what does that matter? Just tell me the important stuff so you can get the hell out of my room, you psycho!!!"
Isshin wagged a finger. "Now, Ichigo. No need to be embarrassed. Daddy's just trying to help. I'm sure there must be some girl in your class that you like..." He eyed Ichigo carefully. "Oho! Or is it some boy? That's okay, too! Daddy's hip!" He winked and flashed a thumbs-up.
It took every ounce of self control to keep from tackling Isshin and pounding him with all his might. Instead of doing this, he let out a strangled yell and began banging his head against the wall.
Isshin sighed and flapped a dismissive hand. "Okay then, don't tell Daddy... The point is, when you have someone you really really like, you're probably going to want to express your affection in a physical way." He paused. "...Is it that Ishida boy?"
"STOP IT, STOP IT JUST-" Ichigo couldn't take much more of this. "FINE, YOU WANNA KNOW?! I'VE BEEN DATING RUKIA FOR MONTHS, SHE'S VERY SPECIAL PERSON AND I-" Ichigo suddenly realized what he was saying.
"OH DAMNIT!" clapping his hand over his face.
Isshin blinked. "What? You. And...Rukia-chan?" For a moment his lip seemed to tremble. His eyes became large and liquid. "And...neither of you said anything to Daddy?" A sudden thought seemed to strike him, and he snapped his fingers. "Could it be...were you worried I wouldn't approve? Haha, oh Ichigo! You know I think of Rukia-chan like a daughter!" He clapped Ichigo on the shoulder. "Of course Daddy approves! This is great! Now she can be a part of the family officially!!!" He gave Ichigo a grin bordering on psychotic.
"Stop that, jeez, it's not like I said we're engaged or anything, we're just...seeing each other." He blushed and shifted awkwardly. "And what does that have to do with this stupid talk anyway?!" He glared, losing all patience with his nutty father.
Isshin cleared his throat and tried to replace the grin on his face with a stern look. The results were mixed, and made him look more than a little insane. "Now, Ichigo. I want you to be completely honest with Daddy. How much have you and Rukia-chan done together?"
Ichigo wondered dimly if it were possible to die from blushing too hard. He recoiled from his father, backing into the wall and sliding down onto the floor. "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A CREEPY OLD PERVERT?! YOU'RE JUST AS BAD AS URAHARA!" Ichigo shouted, teeth bared, looking quite deranged.
You should really just tell him or he'll never leave you alone, he said to himself, at this point desperate for a way to make Isshin leave. Ichigo stared at his lap. "We've...kissed," he mumbled.
Isshin raised an eyebrow. "Only kissed?"
"YES!" Ichigo shouted, putting his hands on his hips and glaring. "Rukia and I are just fine taking it slow!"
"So in other words, you needed Daddy's wisdom!!!" Isshin rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, Daddy was going to talk about sexually transmitted diseases, but I think we can skip over that for now. Rukia-chan's a good girl, so you won't have to worry about that." He rubbed his hands together. "Okay. We'll get right into the good stuff!"
"I didn't need your crackpot wisdom, I just...didn't want to get into all that stuff...I'm only 16 after all, geez!" Ichigo puffed up his chest defensivly and turned away, shuddering to think what kind of "good stuff" Isshin was refering to. He blushed. Again.
Isshin took a deep breath. "We-e-ellll...let's talk about sex!" He flashed a big smile at Ichigo and began to talk more quickly. "You probably know the basic jist of sexual intercourse, right? The boy's penis becomes erect when he's aroused--hahaha, I know you know about that, I've seen you walking around in the morning!--and he inserts it into the girl's vagina, and usually there's thrusting or a variation thereof until one or both of them have an orgasm! The boy's ejaculate is what contains the sperm, which may make the girl pregnant. Of course, that's a very simple explanation. I'm sure you wonder a lot about more specific stuff, and Daddy will answer any questions you might have!" He sat eagerly forward in his chair.
Ichigo's eyes grew wide with horror as Isshin went on and on. What horrified him more than the many blush-worthy words Isshin used was the fact that he did in fact have questions, ones he was terrified to ask lest more humiliation ensue.
"Uh....how exactly does the guy.....I mean what does a girl...look like?" he closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead furiously, awaiting futher embarrassment.
Isshin looked puzzled for a moment, then the little internal light bulb switched on. "Oh! You mean a woman's genitals!" He tapped his chin, muttering to himself. "I knew I should have brought diagrams..."He grabbed up a notebook and a magic marker from Ichigo's desk, and by way of explanation began scribbling out a picture worthy of Rukia, (though thankfully sans bear- or bunny-ears). And, of course, there was the subject matter...never in a million years would Rukia be drawing...that.
Ichigo glanced at the sketch his father was doing, and gulped, intimidated by its strangeness. "Is that really....huh." he tilted his head to the side and squinted, trying to process what he was looking at. "So does it go in....there?" he asked, pointing at the center of Isshin's drawing.
Isshin nodded enthusiastically. "Most of the time!" He flipped the drawing around and pointed further down. "Now, if two people love each other enough and are really comfortable with each other, the girl might let him--"
"Wait, WHAT?!?!" Ichigo shouted, staring wide-eyed and disgusted at his father. "But isn't that...EW, YOU'RE A SICKO, YOU KNOW THAT?!??!" He tore the drawing out of the notebook and crumbled it angrily. "GET OUT, YOU CREEP!"
"Oh." Isshin rubbed the back of his neck. "Maybe Daddy should've waited a little bit longer on that part.
"Okay, forget that! What other questions do you have?"
"NONE! LEAVE!!! NOW!!!" he bellowed, picking up his desk chair and brandishing it at Isshin. "YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE FOR ONE NIGHT!"
Isshin pouted. "But Ichigo! We were having such a nice talk!"
"NOW!!!!!" He hurled the chair at his father, hoping it would hurt. A lot.
Isshin ducked, the chair narrowly flying over his head. Unfortunately, the dresser drawer that followed it hit its mark. Stunned, he staggered backwards out of Ichigo's room.
Ichigo was preparing to throw another dresser drawer at Isshin when he retreated out of Ichigo's room. "That outta teach you to be such a gross old man!" he shouted after him, panting slightly as he returned his possessions to their rightful places.
Once he caught his breath, he surreptitiously picked up the crumpled piece of paper and smoothed it out against his knee, studying it intently. "I wonder what this little knobby thing on top is..."