i'm kinda confuzed.. but relieved
as it gets closer to my longest relationship i get more and more nervous.. brandon says that he wouldn't hurt me and that he loves me too much to leave me.. i wanna believe him so bad i really do.. i just can't do it.. i've heard it so many times.. but anywayz.. today was the best.. after me and brandon got into a scuffle (lol.. love ya babe) we had the best sex ever imaginable.. it was great.. hehe.. i dunno.. i think brandon liked it.. i really hate to say this but i kinda hope i'm not pregnant.. don't get me rong i want a baby but i don't want my family to disown me.. i think the main reason i keep trying to get pregnant is so i can b sure that brandon will atleast b in my life forever.. even if we're not together.. that makes me sound really bad but thats all i want.. i want him to b happy and if it takes havin a baby and not bein together then so b it.. thats wut i'll give him.. i don't care anymore.. i just want everyone to b happy.. but wut ever.. i'm so confuzed right now.. like i like this kid and shyt and i'm sure if he likes me or not but i guess he was checkin me out and shyt.. well i dunno wut to do.. i love brandon but i wanna take a break and date around a little.. then i can b happy with my decision to marry him.. i mean yea.. i kno he's the one for me but i'm 16.. i really can't b settlin down yet.. if he loves me as much as he says he does then he would give me some space.. i would do it 4 him.. he knos i'm comin back to him.. i dunno.. i just dunno how to say it.. this kid understands me.. he knos where i'm at with brandon and he respects it.. i wish i could talk about this but i don't wanna hurt him.. i love him so much but i wanna date other ppl.. he has these rules that he doesn't date the same girl twice but i honestly think i deserve a bendin in those rules.. i mean.. he "loves" me a lot and i kno he does and i love him a lot.. i just need this time to get my life set and ready to settle down.. i kno i want to marry him but i also kno that i'ma fuckin junior in high school and i deserve the right to flirt and not worry about my fiance leavin me.. or even date someone and b worry free.. i dunno wut else to say to that.. i love him more than life itself and i do wanna b with him forever.. just not startin now.. but i'm out.. *i love my babyboy 12-16-04*