A Clean Start
It always feels nice to start fresh. What this livejournal will be used for is Posting things I'd rather not show to many people||writings|art|concepts As an expression of feelings and dramas in life and my inquiries on the things around me as well as being honest with myself Venting Anything else I feel like posting Getting more involved in the lj community because I need more to do when I'm bored on the internet I hope I don't die on this one, though. I would really like to write more to keep my mind pumping and continuously expand my vocabulary|knowledge|dexterity with words. But I usually don't, because of a lack of inspiration or never knowing where I want to start or how to continue to keep it engaging for the reader. Then again, usually, I'm my own reader. Which isn't very helpful, because I'm not really interested in reading my own writing. I'd rather see other people's take on what I come up with. Unfortunately, I'm also shy of showing others or asking if anyone's interested. In this day in age, reading is the last thing on a majority of the general public's mind. At least, I think, with all this make-it-easier technology. It's kind of depressing.
At the moment, though, I'm lacking in inspiration for anything. I think it's attributed to this hectic bit of life going on right now. It seems like I never get a break. Unfortunately, I won't be going out of state for college this year like I had wanted. It really sucks that just as I thought I was in the clear and was on my way to nothing but joy, since my entire senior year of high school was nothing but shit and conflict, it seems like God just smacks me right down. Everytime I manage to pick myself up. I've also learned that everything that glitters isn't gold. It's a concept I've always known in my mind, but, I'm actually experiencing it with my move-in with my dad. Not to say that he's at fault for everything he does, but somethings just cut deeper than he probably intends. People tell me not to take everything too personally and to calm down, as he's probably just not sure how to react to having his first daughter, but it's hard to take some of the things he says, since I'd like to come off as the "perfect daughter". Even though I'm conscious of the fact that there is no such thing as a perfect person, I can't seem to come to terms with it. I can admit my faults. I'm messy with my room, I can be lazy and dislike cleaning up after other people, I'm forgetful, my posture is bad, I don't say "yes sir" or "no ma'am" to those my senior. And there's probably a plethora of others that people can see, that I don't because I'm so used to my habits and myself that I just don't pay too much attention to how they may affect to people around me. Is that a bad thing? I'm not sure. I feel like I'm lacking guidance, which leads me to think that I'm lacking knowledge, which makes me nervous of whatever move I make. And even worse is the fact that there seems to be a communication barrier between my father and I. He works all day and comes home and locks himself in his room to either sleep or work. I'm understanding of his extensive workload and all, but sometimes I'd just really appreciate it if he would respond to my inquiries about his day with more than one sentence, and that's all I hear from him for the rest of the day. Being stuck in a house for 24+ hours straight every day without much human communication does things to you, I swear. My level of anxiety has gone up because I'm never sure of what he's thinking. He once told me, when I'd first got here, that he was observing what I was doing for some weeks and he was pretty much unsatisfied with what I was doing. And I cried. How was I supposed to know what was expected of me if he never said anything? Is it wrong of me to feel like shit when I'm being criticized out of nowhere about my habits and things, when I'm given no hint or idea that there's something I should or shouldn't be doing? He told my brother to "get on me" when I do something that he doesn't like, and really, that bothers me even more. Why couldn't he just tell me, "hey, come do the dishes," or "hey, come put this thing that you left out back in the refridgerator|cabinet". And he expects me|my brother and I to clean up after him. My dad tells me to tell him when he messes up too, and he does, but I don't even have the heart to talk to him about much. I haven't yet reached the point where I can say, "yes. I'm comfortable here, this is home, and this is my dad and I can talk to him about anything." We're supposed to go out to Dave and Busters or the movies today. I hope that some father-daughter time will help this rift. As for my mother. Well, she called me last night, and after a convo, I'm actually way more relieved over my college situation. Much more relieved than I had been the past week. No I wasn't satisfied with having to attend, or rather, take online classes for a community college. It made me quite disappointed with not only myself, but my fate in general. Negativity has been stirring around me like hurricane winds and keeping my stomach in knots if I don't have anything to distract myself with for thought. She also gave me some enlightening advice.
I really appreciate it. And it's so nice to hear her being caring and compassionate, with all that we went through my senior year of high school. She wants to get me enrolled in a local university, and at this point, I'm all for it. She tells me she'll even get me transportation. Hopefully the counselors are understanding of my situation and I can enroll. I don't really want to go to a community college, nor stay stuck in this house for the entire school year. Honestly, it doesn't really feel like a home here. It seems barely lived in. Like it's missing something. And my dad always needs it to be clean. Maybe a family is what it needs. Something living and thriving inside. It's always cold, literally and figuratively. But nonetheless, the stress of it all has been increasingly inhibiting on my productivity and my imagination. I don't feel confident in a lot of things that I was confident in, such as my art, my personality, my ideas [that I generally am pulling out of my ass lately, since I don't have as many], just general things that didn't bother me as much. And it seems every time I think about the things above, and the fears of my dad's thoughts, I come close to crying. Maybe I care too much. I don't know. I just wish it would end. I would really like a break.
At the moment, though, I'm lacking in inspiration for anything. I think it's attributed to this hectic bit of life going on right now. It seems like I never get a break. Unfortunately, I won't be going out of state for college this year like I had wanted. It really sucks that just as I thought I was in the clear and was on my way to nothing but joy, since my entire senior year of high school was nothing but shit and conflict, it seems like God just smacks me right down. Everytime I manage to pick myself up. I've also learned that everything that glitters isn't gold. It's a concept I've always known in my mind, but, I'm actually experiencing it with my move-in with my dad. Not to say that he's at fault for everything he does, but somethings just cut deeper than he probably intends. People tell me not to take everything too personally and to calm down, as he's probably just not sure how to react to having his first daughter, but it's hard to take some of the things he says, since I'd like to come off as the "perfect daughter". Even though I'm conscious of the fact that there is no such thing as a perfect person, I can't seem to come to terms with it. I can admit my faults. I'm messy with my room, I can be lazy and dislike cleaning up after other people, I'm forgetful, my posture is bad, I don't say "yes sir" or "no ma'am" to those my senior. And there's probably a plethora of others that people can see, that I don't because I'm so used to my habits and myself that I just don't pay too much attention to how they may affect to people around me. Is that a bad thing? I'm not sure. I feel like I'm lacking guidance, which leads me to think that I'm lacking knowledge, which makes me nervous of whatever move I make. And even worse is the fact that there seems to be a communication barrier between my father and I. He works all day and comes home and locks himself in his room to either sleep or work. I'm understanding of his extensive workload and all, but sometimes I'd just really appreciate it if he would respond to my inquiries about his day with more than one sentence, and that's all I hear from him for the rest of the day. Being stuck in a house for 24+ hours straight every day without much human communication does things to you, I swear. My level of anxiety has gone up because I'm never sure of what he's thinking. He once told me, when I'd first got here, that he was observing what I was doing for some weeks and he was pretty much unsatisfied with what I was doing. And I cried. How was I supposed to know what was expected of me if he never said anything? Is it wrong of me to feel like shit when I'm being criticized out of nowhere about my habits and things, when I'm given no hint or idea that there's something I should or shouldn't be doing? He told my brother to "get on me" when I do something that he doesn't like, and really, that bothers me even more. Why couldn't he just tell me, "hey, come do the dishes," or "hey, come put this thing that you left out back in the refridgerator|cabinet". And he expects me|my brother and I to clean up after him. My dad tells me to tell him when he messes up too, and he does, but I don't even have the heart to talk to him about much. I haven't yet reached the point where I can say, "yes. I'm comfortable here, this is home, and this is my dad and I can talk to him about anything." We're supposed to go out to Dave and Busters or the movies today. I hope that some father-daughter time will help this rift. As for my mother. Well, she called me last night, and after a convo, I'm actually way more relieved over my college situation. Much more relieved than I had been the past week. No I wasn't satisfied with having to attend, or rather, take online classes for a community college. It made me quite disappointed with not only myself, but my fate in general. Negativity has been stirring around me like hurricane winds and keeping my stomach in knots if I don't have anything to distract myself with for thought. She also gave me some enlightening advice.
I really appreciate it. And it's so nice to hear her being caring and compassionate, with all that we went through my senior year of high school. She wants to get me enrolled in a local university, and at this point, I'm all for it. She tells me she'll even get me transportation. Hopefully the counselors are understanding of my situation and I can enroll. I don't really want to go to a community college, nor stay stuck in this house for the entire school year. Honestly, it doesn't really feel like a home here. It seems barely lived in. Like it's missing something. And my dad always needs it to be clean. Maybe a family is what it needs. Something living and thriving inside. It's always cold, literally and figuratively. But nonetheless, the stress of it all has been increasingly inhibiting on my productivity and my imagination. I don't feel confident in a lot of things that I was confident in, such as my art, my personality, my ideas [that I generally am pulling out of my ass lately, since I don't have as many], just general things that didn't bother me as much. And it seems every time I think about the things above, and the fears of my dad's thoughts, I come close to crying. Maybe I care too much. I don't know. I just wish it would end. I would really like a break.