yesterday.
5:07 PM Gabrielle: you have plans for tonight
?
5:08 PM me: i might send myself to the movies
5:09 PM Gabrielle: lol
send urself
5:11 PM me: i want to feel like i'm doing things without being hampered by the daunting task of meeting new people
in the event that there is no one else to go out with
5:14 PM of course, i always secretly want to meet new people. or rather, be met.
5:15 PM Gabrielle: hehe
i like it
5:16 PM kind of like reservations at a really great resturant for one.
5:19 PM me: yeah
exactly
today is one of those days in which i would like to feel utterly unlike myself
or out of my ordinary
I called A and said I was bored and needed attention, which in my head meant that we'd go out for drinks and have a revelatory conversation in which we both confess self-doubt and a need for friendship, and I rebuff his attempts to seduce me, or at least make it clear to him that he should NOT think that I am pursuing future sexual exploits with him. Really, I want him to divulge remorse about loves lost, particularly in regards to his male paramours, and congratulate me when I correctly diagnose his predilection for constant, hollow flirtations with the entire known universe as a manic plea for love. Because proving his humanity somehow validates my own. Naive logic, I know, but acting as if I know better is just results in cognitive dissonance.
We spoke; he was busy. In dulcet tones, he thanked me for calling. Immediately after I hung up, I realized that I neglected to make it clear that the attention I needed was not physical, so I'm pretty sure he thinks I want to sleep with him. (Whether or not I actually want to is irrelevant -- I'm not going to, and I hate boosting male egos.) I also got a text from crazyblinddate.com saying they had a match for me. That was wholly disappointing after waiting all day at work to hear from that website, only to get a date after no longer being near a computer and having purchased a movie ticket for one.
I went to the movies and saw The Class. I was distracted, and the movie's unsettling resolution frustrated me further.
It was while waiting for the train home, alone and counting my endless faults, that I realized I was days away from having my period. Raging hormones were undoubtly the cause for this ungodly burst of emotion. Plus, according to my supervisor at MoSex and fellow virgo, that is how we contrary, hyper-analytical, and indecisive virgos roll. This also explains a recent resurgence of self-flagellation for never had the guts to make a move on T, noting how much she and I still have in common and how she never returned my last facebook wall post months ago.
I spent $17 dollars on a crappy chicken quesadilla and a glass of middling Merlot to console myself at the diner across the street from my apartment. I went home, tried to dump my feelings online, and proceeded to fall asleep with eyeliner on.
Today is going to be better.