self-absorbed internal struggle!
This post is just to remark upon how incredibly lucky and full of gratitude I am for my privileged life and upon how much I've grown in the past few years.
I have recently had a resurgence of nostalgia for audio cassettes and voice recorders, so when I went home last weekend, I dug up my old tapes from sophomore year of college. God, how sophomoric it was. Angst! Self-pity! Breathing into the mic! The experience has somewhat discouraged me from getting a new tape recorder (the old one broke at some point), but also help put things into perspective.
On January 4th of this year, I woke up in the most brilliant good mood, marveling at all the wonderful ways I had grown emotionally throughout college. I promptly regressed several days later, awash with internal guilt regarding wanting to sleep with a certain charming, skeezalicious boy again and feeling detached from two recent deaths (+ more guilt for inadvertently mentally prioritizing these things in that order). This continued for several weeks, ebbing and flowing as it does. I woke up two days ago in frantically overthinking Idon'tknowwhat and abruptly pulled myself out by just accepting the feelings and getting out of bed.
What I need to remember is to recognize and steady the ebb and flow of emotion. That sometimes you feel good and sometimes you feel bad, but bad (or sad or mad, to keep it simplistic) feelings are not grounds for self-hate. And self-hate is usually a gateway to not doing shit -- easily reversed by just getting up and doing shit.
goals for today:
- do the dishes
- run on the treadmill
- finish Mwazi profile for Studio
- exit survey for Shanta
- letter to Rebecca
- cook dinner
- unpack
goals for tomorrow:
- anything I don't complete today
- 2 job applications
- buy gifts and deliver thank you notes to SMH
Reading my friends' blogs, and analyzing what the bulk of their posts concern, judging what their chief struggles are, it becomes more apparent who is an extrovert and who is an introvert. Guess which one I am.
I have recently had a resurgence of nostalgia for audio cassettes and voice recorders, so when I went home last weekend, I dug up my old tapes from sophomore year of college. God, how sophomoric it was. Angst! Self-pity! Breathing into the mic! The experience has somewhat discouraged me from getting a new tape recorder (the old one broke at some point), but also help put things into perspective.
On January 4th of this year, I woke up in the most brilliant good mood, marveling at all the wonderful ways I had grown emotionally throughout college. I promptly regressed several days later, awash with internal guilt regarding wanting to sleep with a certain charming, skeezalicious boy again and feeling detached from two recent deaths (+ more guilt for inadvertently mentally prioritizing these things in that order). This continued for several weeks, ebbing and flowing as it does. I woke up two days ago in frantically overthinking Idon'tknowwhat and abruptly pulled myself out by just accepting the feelings and getting out of bed.
What I need to remember is to recognize and steady the ebb and flow of emotion. That sometimes you feel good and sometimes you feel bad, but bad (or sad or mad, to keep it simplistic) feelings are not grounds for self-hate. And self-hate is usually a gateway to not doing shit -- easily reversed by just getting up and doing shit.
goals for today:
- do the dishes
- run on the treadmill
- finish Mwazi profile for Studio
- exit survey for Shanta
- letter to Rebecca
- cook dinner
- unpack
goals for tomorrow:
- anything I don't complete today
- 2 job applications
- buy gifts and deliver thank you notes to SMH
Reading my friends' blogs, and analyzing what the bulk of their posts concern, judging what their chief struggles are, it becomes more apparent who is an extrovert and who is an introvert. Guess which one I am.