Insane in the membrane
this sunday.. the barbazon modeling thing.. so nervous.
ok, so girls, dont go to new fairfield tanning near shaws.. went there today to get my eyebrows waxed and they totally fuzzed it up. I had to spend like 2 hours waiting at Salon Depalma to have them fix it for me.. at least it was free because the owner there rocks and wants me to go to beauty school so i can come work for her =D That would be awsome.
Maybe thats what I'll do.. beauty school. But stay in New Fairfield? Doubt it.. but maybe. God who knows.
And soon, tomorrow, i have to face my fucking step mother.. oh well. shit will happen as it will.
anyways..
yeah. so someone was a dick to me today.. actually 2 people where.. in indirect ways but still. im not stupid. ugh. I hate this shit.. putting trust in people and then they totally let u down. WHY?
nothing i can do about it i guess besides learn from it.. im trying to look at everything as a learning experience lately. If people only use 10%of their brains, there has to be hidden meaning in things we overlook.
for example:
someone calls you to hang out. They know you have weed. someone who usually wouldnt call you to chill. but someone you have put trust into.
I see this as : they only want to chill out of the blue because they know i can get them and their friends high. What do i learn from it? I could be cynical and say.. OH people only use you for what you have. OR i could look at it and say.. maybe this person isnt as.. whats the word.. i dont want to say 'mature' but.. they're still in that phase of their life where drugs and kid shit are still the most important thing in their lives, and they'll step on their friends toes to get it.. because hey, it isnt a big deal! I admit yeah, i still smoke a lot of weed. yeah, i still would do coke if i could get it.. but im not like OMG GUYS LETS GET HIGH OMG. It's fun. It's.. kind of part of my life. But i am concerned about my future right now, not pot. I'll kick it will my friends or by myself and puff, but i do it because it brings me peace. Not because its 'the cool thing to do.' and it isnt my top priority. But anyways, back to the lesson. I guess from that example i gave you, my concluded lesson learnt would be that this person isnt a bitch or an asshole or anything. I just shouldn't spread myself too thin for them, because i might misplace my generousity and they may take it for granted and not appreciate it fully.
I don't know. I'm making myself sound like a saint here, jesus christ. But.. hey. No one here really KNOWS me, i dont think. And im ready to come out of my shell now, at least slowly. Underneath all the overdoses, pill popping, bitchiness, aggression, and everything else that puts people off, I would give someone the shirt of my back if they needed it. I don't know. I am gaurded.. i've learned from an early age that sometimes people are just too sick to change. They will always be that way, and they can hurt you. So i want to tell everyone to fuck off, take their problems somewhere else and stop loading them on me because I have enough of my own. But underneath that is a part of me (a part few people have been able to pull out) that seriousely just wants to help people. Because I know that people who are sick and hurt you just need someone to show them that its okay, everything will be okay in the end.
It's hard to help people when its at your own expense.. because you get the aftermath, their pain, their suffering, their hassels. But somehow I'm strong enough to stomach it.
But.. funny thing is.. I keep giving and giving and giving.. or at least trying and wanting to.. and i havent found anyone who has been able to pull out my softer side completely. Sad thing is I cant tell if im holding it in and not letting them, or if i havent met someone strong enough to handle me and all of me yet. Heh.
I sound insane. But maybe I am. Everyone is insane, to some extent. Chasing after someone you know you'll never have. Having impossible dreams that won't come true. Trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results and never getting them, but trying again and again anyways.
Insane isn't necissarily bad. Its our human side. It lets us have impossible dreams and have faults.
Because perfect isn't perfect, it's boreing. And depressing. And it isn't about finding the perfect person, its about finding someone who is imperfect to the world, and seeing them perfectly.
ok, so girls, dont go to new fairfield tanning near shaws.. went there today to get my eyebrows waxed and they totally fuzzed it up. I had to spend like 2 hours waiting at Salon Depalma to have them fix it for me.. at least it was free because the owner there rocks and wants me to go to beauty school so i can come work for her =D That would be awsome.
Maybe thats what I'll do.. beauty school. But stay in New Fairfield? Doubt it.. but maybe. God who knows.
And soon, tomorrow, i have to face my fucking step mother.. oh well. shit will happen as it will.
anyways..
yeah. so someone was a dick to me today.. actually 2 people where.. in indirect ways but still. im not stupid. ugh. I hate this shit.. putting trust in people and then they totally let u down. WHY?
nothing i can do about it i guess besides learn from it.. im trying to look at everything as a learning experience lately. If people only use 10%of their brains, there has to be hidden meaning in things we overlook.
for example:
someone calls you to hang out. They know you have weed. someone who usually wouldnt call you to chill. but someone you have put trust into.
I see this as : they only want to chill out of the blue because they know i can get them and their friends high. What do i learn from it? I could be cynical and say.. OH people only use you for what you have. OR i could look at it and say.. maybe this person isnt as.. whats the word.. i dont want to say 'mature' but.. they're still in that phase of their life where drugs and kid shit are still the most important thing in their lives, and they'll step on their friends toes to get it.. because hey, it isnt a big deal! I admit yeah, i still smoke a lot of weed. yeah, i still would do coke if i could get it.. but im not like OMG GUYS LETS GET HIGH OMG. It's fun. It's.. kind of part of my life. But i am concerned about my future right now, not pot. I'll kick it will my friends or by myself and puff, but i do it because it brings me peace. Not because its 'the cool thing to do.' and it isnt my top priority. But anyways, back to the lesson. I guess from that example i gave you, my concluded lesson learnt would be that this person isnt a bitch or an asshole or anything. I just shouldn't spread myself too thin for them, because i might misplace my generousity and they may take it for granted and not appreciate it fully.
I don't know. I'm making myself sound like a saint here, jesus christ. But.. hey. No one here really KNOWS me, i dont think. And im ready to come out of my shell now, at least slowly. Underneath all the overdoses, pill popping, bitchiness, aggression, and everything else that puts people off, I would give someone the shirt of my back if they needed it. I don't know. I am gaurded.. i've learned from an early age that sometimes people are just too sick to change. They will always be that way, and they can hurt you. So i want to tell everyone to fuck off, take their problems somewhere else and stop loading them on me because I have enough of my own. But underneath that is a part of me (a part few people have been able to pull out) that seriousely just wants to help people. Because I know that people who are sick and hurt you just need someone to show them that its okay, everything will be okay in the end.
It's hard to help people when its at your own expense.. because you get the aftermath, their pain, their suffering, their hassels. But somehow I'm strong enough to stomach it.
But.. funny thing is.. I keep giving and giving and giving.. or at least trying and wanting to.. and i havent found anyone who has been able to pull out my softer side completely. Sad thing is I cant tell if im holding it in and not letting them, or if i havent met someone strong enough to handle me and all of me yet. Heh.
I sound insane. But maybe I am. Everyone is insane, to some extent. Chasing after someone you know you'll never have. Having impossible dreams that won't come true. Trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results and never getting them, but trying again and again anyways.
Insane isn't necissarily bad. Its our human side. It lets us have impossible dreams and have faults.
Because perfect isn't perfect, it's boreing. And depressing. And it isn't about finding the perfect person, its about finding someone who is imperfect to the world, and seeing them perfectly.