Eventually I'll learn to journal regularly again. One part busy, one part embarrassed (for not writing enough), one part forget and one part lazy
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You're not inadequate. I only write an entry a handful of times a year, and I'm far less busy than you are.
Poor Xan...I've never ever heard of abdominal migraines before. I'm glad he actually has a diagnosis now, and I hope the suggestions you got will help him.
As for your hospital experiences, holy cabbage. That sounds like the most intense pain I've ever heard of. are you feeling better after the antibiotics? And good for Curtis for standing up for you. "She needs to be somewhere she can be cared for, and that place is no longer the hospital" is the perfect thing to say in this circumstance. That's what's nice about having a partner; I love knowing that if I ever have a problem, I have someone to be my advocate. And while I don't tend to stand up for myself, I WILL stand up and advocate for my husband. We make a good team that way. :) But geez, people wonder why sick people hate going to the ER. The hospital experience is usually worse than whatever problem brought you there.
Z is just...I don't even have words for how clever that child is. I don't know how your house hasn't blown up yet.
For what it's worth, I think a big part of why Z and Tempest aren't close right now is because of the age difference. My sister is 5 years old than me, and we were never close as kids. (Well, except when I was an infant, she apparently liked to dress me up and play with me.) We just didn't have anything to talk about. I mean, when I was in sixth grade, she was a senior in high school. You just can't have an equal relationship when one person is just entering puberty and the other is graduating high school. Our parents always told us we were lucky to have each other, and we had family dinners and outings and such, but they never tried to force us to be close. Once I went to college, we actually started to develop a real relationship for the first time, as adults. And we've gotten along well since then; we're not super close, but we have a real friendship (and as you probably saw, she was amazing at the wedding!). Actually, the one thing that brought us together more than anything else was me being there when she gave birth. That really cemented our bond. So from my perspective, I think you guys should probably encourage family activities and spending time together, but don't try to force a relationship. Just let them bond develop naturally, and I think they'll get closer as they get older.
Xan coaching Z for a nurse, and then reading to her, is absolutely adorable!
We watched the movie "Alive" when I was in high scjool, and I remember it being absolutely terrifying. I'll have to watch the documentary and see it's better or worse than the dramatization.
I felt like I was lulled into a false sense of security by the first night with the super nice, kind doctor and nurses. They were all so lovely and caring and came back multiple times to make sure that what they were doing was actually improving the head pain and such. When the doctor released me he said I wasn't yet completely "stable" (I was still experiencing tachycardia, for one) but he could see that the hospital was not the best place for a mom in pain to be and wanted me to be home where I could rest properly. I mean how nice is that? Then the next time it was just a goddamn nightmare. I do not understand what was with that woman. I saw her ONCE prior to that, for about five minutes, when she insisted on giving me a shot "for migraines". I kept asking her questions about what it was and what it would do and how it works and she seemed very exasperated and irritated with my line of questioning. Eventually I just 'soft consented' to it by saying not telling her to stop and allowed her to give the shot. Then she left again, and I didn't see her for another 3+ hours. I kept telling her I didn't HAVE the headache then, I didn't need a shot for migraines at all, I was just afraid of the headaches coming back in the morning again... the real reason I was there was the incredibly horrific kidney pain that was worsening, and because I was *TOLD TO COME BACK* if this happened. In the end she acted like I made it up, I don't know. I directly asked her, "Why would the other doctor tell me to come back right away if it's not an emergency?" and she said very snidely, "I don't know, why would he?". I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. I was so stressed out. Just thinking about it makes my heart pound. I already do NOT do well in hospitals and was not in a good place by that point. Fuck.
Xan and Z are really close, even though he complains about her bugging him a lot, he actually spends a TON of time playing with her, tickling her, teaching her things, reading with her; every day and without even being asked. He absolutely adores him, and she adores him back. Tempest spends very little time with Z (moments, if that) because she doesn't "play" easily in that way. She's also not at all physically affectionate, not just with her but with anyone. So when she gets into her nightly routine of giving people kisses on the cheek, Z almost always refuses her flat out, and screams if Tempest gets away with a quick kiss. Tempest doesn't honestly seem to care either way, nor does Z, but it bothers me because I would like to see them be close and I worry that they aren't going to be. I think I just have to accept that I can't control that, and let things go as they may, but it's hard because I had such a hard time with my relationship to my brother and while IN NO WAY do I think even the tiniest part of it is my mother's fault or "not doing" or whatever, it hurts me, and I don't want my kids going through that too, you know? I also realize that's really overthinking the situation, but you know how anxiety goes.
I'm glad you had a good experience the first time, anyway. It's proof that there are many good doctors/nurses out there. But the second time....I don't even have words to describe that doctor. Why wouldn't she treat the kidney pain, if that's what the problem was? The kind of doctor who won't listen to patients should not be practicing, especially not in a chaotic situation like an ER, where patients are already stressed out.
I really do think that Z and Tempest will get closer as they get older. I know you want to avoid them ending up like you and your brother, but your situation was completely different. Your brother was much older than you; you have different fathers and he was dealing with the loss of his; you had health problems that required lots of attention, which is difficult for siblings. Not that any of this excuses his behavior toward you, but it helps explain why you have a strained relationship. (I *think* you've talked about all of this publicly before, but if I mentioned anything you're uncomfortable with, please delete this comment.) Z and T don't have any of those factors...there is the complication of Tempest being on the autism spectrum, but I've seen SO many examples of children loving their "different" sibling deeply and unconditionally that I find it hard to believe your kids will be any different.
Think of it this way: If your mother had tried to force you and your brother to be friends when you were younger, do you think that would have made a difference in your relationship? Do you think it would have been better? My guess is that it would have made you guys even more resentful of each other. On the other hand, did your parents do anything to encourage your deep bond with your sister? Or did it just happen naturally, without any forcing? Sibling relationships are just going to happen however they happen, and the best you can do as a parent is to be loving and supportive. I also realize that while that makes logical sense, that doesn't really make a difference in the anxiety. Explaining things is nice, but feelings are tricky buggers, and don't go away easily. *hugs tight*
Poor Xan...I've never ever heard of abdominal migraines before. I'm glad he actually has a diagnosis now, and I hope the suggestions you got will help him.
As for your hospital experiences, holy cabbage. That sounds like the most intense pain I've ever heard of. are you feeling better after the antibiotics? And good for Curtis for standing up for you. "She needs to be somewhere she can be cared for, and that place is no longer the hospital" is the perfect thing to say in this circumstance. That's what's nice about having a partner; I love knowing that if I ever have a problem, I have someone to be my advocate. And while I don't tend to stand up for myself, I WILL stand up and advocate for my husband. We make a good team that way. :)
But geez, people wonder why sick people hate going to the ER. The hospital experience is usually worse than whatever problem brought you there.
Z is just...I don't even have words for how clever that child is. I don't know how your house hasn't blown up yet.
For what it's worth, I think a big part of why Z and Tempest aren't close right now is because of the age difference. My sister is 5 years old than me, and we were never close as kids. (Well, except when I was an infant, she apparently liked to dress me up and play with me.) We just didn't have anything to talk about. I mean, when I was in sixth grade, she was a senior in high school. You just can't have an equal relationship when one person is just entering puberty and the other is graduating high school. Our parents always told us we were lucky to have each other, and we had family dinners and outings and such, but they never tried to force us to be close. Once I went to college, we actually started to develop a real relationship for the first time, as adults. And we've gotten along well since then; we're not super close, but we have a real friendship (and as you probably saw, she was amazing at the wedding!). Actually, the one thing that brought us together more than anything else was me being there when she gave birth. That really cemented our bond.
So from my perspective, I think you guys should probably encourage family activities and spending time together, but don't try to force a relationship. Just let them bond develop naturally, and I think they'll get closer as they get older.
Xan coaching Z for a nurse, and then reading to her, is absolutely adorable!
We watched the movie "Alive" when I was in high scjool, and I remember it being absolutely terrifying. I'll have to watch the documentary and see it's better or worse than the dramatization.
*hugs tight* I love you!
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Then the next time it was just a goddamn nightmare. I do not understand what was with that woman. I saw her ONCE prior to that, for about five minutes, when she insisted on giving me a shot "for migraines". I kept asking her questions about what it was and what it would do and how it works and she seemed very exasperated and irritated with my line of questioning. Eventually I just 'soft consented' to it by saying not telling her to stop and allowed her to give the shot. Then she left again, and I didn't see her for another 3+ hours. I kept telling her I didn't HAVE the headache then, I didn't need a shot for migraines at all, I was just afraid of the headaches coming back in the morning again... the real reason I was there was the incredibly horrific kidney pain that was worsening, and because I was *TOLD TO COME BACK* if this happened. In the end she acted like I made it up, I don't know. I directly asked her, "Why would the other doctor tell me to come back right away if it's not an emergency?" and she said very snidely, "I don't know, why would he?". I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. I was so stressed out. Just thinking about it makes my heart pound. I already do NOT do well in hospitals and was not in a good place by that point. Fuck.
Xan and Z are really close, even though he complains about her bugging him a lot, he actually spends a TON of time playing with her, tickling her, teaching her things, reading with her; every day and without even being asked. He absolutely adores him, and she adores him back. Tempest spends very little time with Z (moments, if that) because she doesn't "play" easily in that way. She's also not at all physically affectionate, not just with her but with anyone. So when she gets into her nightly routine of giving people kisses on the cheek, Z almost always refuses her flat out, and screams if Tempest gets away with a quick kiss. Tempest doesn't honestly seem to care either way, nor does Z, but it bothers me because I would like to see them be close and I worry that they aren't going to be. I think I just have to accept that I can't control that, and let things go as they may, but it's hard because I had such a hard time with my relationship to my brother and while IN NO WAY do I think even the tiniest part of it is my mother's fault or "not doing" or whatever, it hurts me, and I don't want my kids going through that too, you know? I also realize that's really overthinking the situation, but you know how anxiety goes.
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I really do think that Z and Tempest will get closer as they get older. I know you want to avoid them ending up like you and your brother, but your situation was completely different. Your brother was much older than you; you have different fathers and he was dealing with the loss of his; you had health problems that required lots of attention, which is difficult for siblings. Not that any of this excuses his behavior toward you, but it helps explain why you have a strained relationship. (I *think* you've talked about all of this publicly before, but if I mentioned anything you're uncomfortable with, please delete this comment.) Z and T don't have any of those factors...there is the complication of Tempest being on the autism spectrum, but I've seen SO many examples of children loving their "different" sibling deeply and unconditionally that I find it hard to believe your kids will be any different.
Think of it this way: If your mother had tried to force you and your brother to be friends when you were younger, do you think that would have made a difference in your relationship? Do you think it would have been better? My guess is that it would have made you guys even more resentful of each other.
On the other hand, did your parents do anything to encourage your deep bond with your sister? Or did it just happen naturally, without any forcing?
Sibling relationships are just going to happen however they happen, and the best you can do as a parent is to be loving and supportive. I also realize that while that makes logical sense, that doesn't really make a difference in the anxiety. Explaining things is nice, but feelings are tricky buggers, and don't go away easily. *hugs tight*
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