AM I ALONE IN HERE?
mann. FUCK BLURTY! those stupid hoes cancelled my journal on there bc I wasnt 18..I wanted to killll somebody! but anyways. I havent made an entry into anywhere in a pretty long time. I guess heres the news. <3Mikie and me are cool, I actually still like him but I probably wont be going out with him again...were just back to where we were before we went out, which is alrite with me. Except we never kiss...which sucks, but oh well. He slapped my ass the other day and I was like YEYA! I was kidding though**... Our relationship is symbolized by that Baby Bash and Frankie J song that I love so much Suga Suga...but I dunno whats going on with us...its almost as complicated as this next one. For about 2 weeks Ive been talking to J-MO on the phone. He first called or actually hold on! this is the story: ok Emma was staying the night and my parents werent home so we had gotten back from a party that we went to with Kelby, but it was boring so we left. When we got back here we got on yahoo and J-mo was talking to me and telling me to look at his webcam and stuff and after like 2 hours of that he says I g2g and just leaves like that I was like...whatever, FUCK IT! me and Emma were really tired by then and so we decided to go to sleep...it was like 3 somthing. So after I get in bed and try n go to sleep my phone starts beeping and I thought Emma was tryn to be funny and set my alarm so I pushed the button but it didnt stop, turns out J-mo texted me and said Hey...so I was like um ok, but I said Hey back to be nice. Then he gets me back and says Call me so I go ask Emma if I should call and she says yeah and I told her to come in my room but she wouldnt I WAS LIKE DAMMMMIT! Then after I called him we talked for like an hour and both of us had church in the morning so we decided we should go and hung up. I wasnt getting my hopes up by telling myself that it was just a one night thing and he wouldnt be calling back...but he did the next night and the next and the next and still is calling back. We get along great, its really weird actually. I never knew like anything about him before him and G! then I got to know a little bit and now that Ive been talking to him its weird bc hes nothing like what I thought he would be...but its not bad, hes reallly talkative. But I just wanna know whats going on with me and him. Ive talked to G! and she says it sounds like he likes me but it just dosent seem like it In a way he just seems like he needs sombody to talk to. And seriously...WHY WOULD HE LIKE ME? exactly. I get that question going and yeah...but anyways. It'd be cool if he liked me or if he didnt Im cool with whatever. But if I fuck this upIm going back with *That Boy Shaggy*
yeah...hes fuckin cool no matter what. well when hes not all coked up, he tells me he loves me every time I talk to him but whats sad is that he loves what he calls the white more than me. Which is the one reason in the world why I wouldnt go back with him, because I used to be so happy with him, its just all his drama that got me. Im alot stronger than I used to be though. oh yeah...heres the latest on Jay. He ran away Tuesday night. He told Emma he was going to before he did, she let it slide which is probably for the best. But I'll admit he scared the shit outta me because I was courious to see if he really did it so I called him. When his mom answered I knew what a huge mistake I had just made. His mom started to cry when she found out it was me and told me how shes just trying to help him and he hates her for it. Its funny but I know exactly what shes going through, accept he dosent hate me for it, he loves me for doing nothing, and not caring and I think that hurts me just as bad if not worse. Me and Emma called everybody we knew to try to find him, because with this guy its not a matter of where he is its a matter of how he is, dead or alive. Thats how real he makes shit. I think with me and Emma all his suicide attemps finally came to realization that we could loose this guy. Her one of the closest friends she ever had. and Me the guy that changed my outlook on life and the one who changed my ways. He always told me he'd quit for me, and that I was the reason he went to rehab but it never made sense to me because he never stopped. Well I just talked to him for a really long time and hes home and alive and safe, but not happy still. x-I doubt he remembers but-x. He's told me the only way he'll be happy is with me. He's told me the only way he can survive with out coke is by hearing my voice. He's told me he loved me...the bad thing is. I hate who he is but I love him. I want to tell him that bad. The other night I just realized it, I was stairing at my screne saver(all my saved pictured running across the screne over and over again) and listening to Hows It Going To Be by Third Eye Blind. I realized I couldnt just throw this guy outta everything I have because he did so much good and bad to me, hes a person I'll never forget and I know later in life I may regret not talking to him as much. Hes the only guy I've ever said I Love You to...<3
well...theres my YWA paper for this month...no really I just got in the wirting mood when I was writing this and its supposted to be a drama so...thats DAMN DRAMA rite there! gosh. Hes going to read this. Fuck. I hope he does, he needs to. Im out. *HI AARON! gimme my cd's...connect 4 FoReVeR!