spring cleaning
So...today was day 7 of the cleanse that i am doing. i started doing this cleanse because i was illin', i had visited the land of excess a few too many times, my inner fat kid had flared up and i was mowwing whatever came my way in a thoughtless manner. i felt as though i needed an emotional pause and a habit reset. i am a dabbler in trying various diets to see how i feel, but this was more pointedly to allow a time of detox on all levels. as part of the cleanse i have reinstated a daily sit as well as reading a passage or two per day from my favorite buddhist author, pema chodron.
i have been amazed at how physically energized and emotionally clear i have felt since about day 3. i work hard. if i had to wager a guess i would say that i clock something like 10-15 miles at fast walk loaded up with plates 4 days a week. even with that hard work my energy levels have been maintained, or even increased. in terms of emotional clarity my sadness has been sharp but warm and not permanent. i suppose sadness is what got me here to cleanse. sadness was what was driving my excess and voracious snacking and laziness.
it is not until i changed my patterns of eating, and being really, that i was able to catch myself medicating with food. i am something of a snack master.....or is it food addict. no seriously. i have many checks and balances that i maintain at all times to ensure that i don't slip into a downward spiral. health is always at the forefront for me. however, sometimes i stumble. and stumble i have. honestly though, every time i stumble deep i feel like there is a innate defense mechanism that kicks in and helps me through the storm or at least guides me in a direction back to health. this cleanse arose for me that way. a friend, whose opinion on health, wellness, and most other stuff i know to be sound and good, mentioned this cleanse. for me that was all it took. i bought the book and jumped in deep.reckless without the wreck because it just felt right. that deep seated me knew it was needed and she laid banana peels out to have me slip in the right direction.
day two was hard. i had the kind of headache that induces nausea and i had school all day. that was poor planning on my part for sure. if i offered any advice for those trying a cleanse i would say make sure that day two is a chill and do nothing as possible for you. i was ruined by half way through my 2nd class. i had to leave realizing that bed was all i was capable of. when i got home i was confronted very clearly with my habits surrounding food. my pain leads me to sadness, as it is hard to escape. and sadness is a reason to baby myself, watch reality television and eat yummy chocolate or popcorn or mango slices or whatever my current crack is. but on day 2 i couldn't eat anything. i had already eaten my lunch and dinner was hours a way and was only juice after all. so i did hunker down with some "bad girls club" but it simply opened the tremendous empty sadness that i was running from. snacks were missing. i couldn't alter my brain chemistry with chocolate or any other treat. i had to feel. i am thankful for those moments. they were more clear than i had been in months. sadness is not a harsh spiky thing. it is soft, clear and instructive. it is also anything but permanent. i get lost in cycles of eating away or escaping from sadness in various ways and that process simply delays, intensifies and buries the root sadness. this 3 week removal of old habits along with awareness practices have given an unexpected gift. i have been feeling my floods of emotion rip through, be it angry or sad. i have been able to more clearly communicate with jon when they are happening instead of reacting from a place of uninformed reaction.
incredibly, me, the crazy snack bitch, has been everything but preoccupied with food. i do look forward to my daily allowed foods (this cleanse is not harsh like a juice or water cleanse...there is actual eating involved), but i haven't had any serious longings or moments of preoccupation. i have noticed that aromas of herbs, flowers, and foods have been filling me up in a much more satiating way than before. rosemary, god bless it! another more minor habit that i have noticed is just how snacky the snack master is. she is very very snacky. in the mornings and evening the options are a smoothie or juice. in order to make fruits and veggies into either of these one must handle them in solid form and cut them up etc. i am not supposed to eat solid foods until lunch, or snack if i must in the early afternoon. so i am not supposed to put the bits in my mouth...nope....but woah. i actually usually put everything in my damn mouth. i now see the impulse clearly, a nearly subconscious movement. i have had to take food out of my mouth several times when it has gotten there due to autopilot snack-a-thon. but i have been gaining bits of control back from that autopilot and that is empowering. i am talking about food here, but this awareness spirals out into my life in general. awareness breeds awareness,
the author lists all kinds of reasons for why to do this cleanse from a more biological standpoint, and i agree with many even if i think his language is a bit flowery. i am not going to mention these because i can link to the book. i just know that this cleanse, on day seven, has already given me gifts. it has relieved some social anxiety, added sparkles back to my eyes, i feel like i can radiate my smile outwards and laugh more from my belly. i have tried other cleanses and failed due to the restrictions or hunger. this one is sustainable and i am thankful for the opportunity to follow it through until the end. smoothies are yummy and the lunches are actually totally delicious. i am honestly of the mind that choosing a way that suits you and doing a little bit of spring cleaning is a very good idea. there are a million cleanses out there. all of the authors sound like they know what they are talking about..this one gave me a gut feeling and i went for it and i am grateful that i did. it has been unraveling the links between my physical, emotional and spiritual bodies and taken me off the emotional roller-coaster of self medication. how could that be bad?