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[babyjames]

I don't know why I'm using this as my outlet, or why I even am going to try to begin voicing some of these concerns and thoughts lately...but I feel like I have to write down at least part of what I'm thinking about so I don't forget it later

Comments

[broadwaybard]

I completely understnad what you're going through. Maybe not the specific experiences that caused you to write this, but I know that I used theater and still use theater as a means of distracting myself and keeping busy. Sometimes I think that I would probably be able to communicate better with people and not get my words all jumbled up when I talk, had I not done theater. I guess the lighter side of things is that if you can't communicate through conventional methods, performance might be the best way, which I don't nescessarily think is a bad thing. And you always find those one or two people who you can truly connect with, regardless of whether or not you can talk to them on a "real" level. Plus, I think everyone in that theater department, no matter how involved or not involved they are, all have their own problems that haunt them everyday, and so they escape by elevating themselves into roles beyond themselves and belittling everyone else with their flaws. This is the reason why I am cautious to join a theater community, especially at Bard. Honestly, theater attracts fucked up people. Period. There may be some people without any real problems with themselves, but the theater also harbors a lot of nut jobs. So when you have a theater community within an already unconventional school... well, you know. I don't feel like being sucked into the politics and drama. It's not for me. I'm still majoring in playwrighting, but I can't deal with people trying to be better than me and egging me on to think something apart from the truth. Sometimes, theater just doesn't make me feel good, so distancing myself from this thing that I like to do helps a lot.

But I don't know where I was going. All I wanted to say was, Amen! You're not the only one out there feeling conflicted, and I hope you work things out.

[babyjames]

hey, thanks. I worked some things out today by talking to some professors and I think I am pretty well through it. I guess sometimes it builds up and I'm stressed out, but it is really assuring to know that a lot of other people are out there feeling the same things.
I think I just wish there was a way to do theater here without being caught up in the social construction. I know I can find a way to feel like I'm creating for the sake of art and not for egotistical and self-driven motivations to be a part of this whole heirarchy. I don't know.
But yeah, thanks.