(no subject)
I went for a drive today, all by myself. After such a full weekend of being high, getting sunburned, and being with tons of people non-stop, I just wanted to be alone and think for a moment.
So I drove for about an hour, just up and down the curvy county highway through the hills and the little towns with one stoplight and the green fields and pretty trees that have finally flowered...and it was cloudy but turned more grey as I kept driving, oddly enough, as I turned back towards school I realized I'd been driving in front of the stormy weather. I'd been going towards the sunshine.
I feel like I want to take back every word out of my mouth sometimes, so I can just decide whether I should've even said it at all, or said it a different and better way. I felt like this a lot this weekend, like I noticed after everything I said that I wished it'd come out differently or I'd just kept my mouth shut.
And PMS this time comes in the form of contemplation and meloncholy lapses that hit me so abruptly I can only drive on...listen to my sad songs I miss listening to these days, and think back on what has happened, what will happen, and what I wish could happen. My imagination has been out of control lately, giving me images of things that are too adorable for reality, to happen to me out of the blue. And really, the things that actually happened this weekend, are nowhere near what they should have been to put me in a mood like this.
Sometimes I feel incredibly trapped here. Physically, emotionally, figuratively, I have nowhere to escape and just think things through the way I want to, without being influenced or distracted or annoyed. I want so many things to happen, but I can't make myself admit enough to actually take any immediate action or do a single thing about my frustrations.
Lying outside in the grass, listening to whatever music they had, laughing and just chatting with people, and watching everything in its currently pleasant state, was the best time I had all weekend. It's just so much nicer than sitting in here on my computer with the shades down and the dirty floors and the smell of stale grilled cheese and wishing on things that don't happen to someone so solitary.
I only wish the feeling of euphoria that spring brings could last, and I wish things could stay as pleasant as they appeared to be. But I know that tomorrow only brings the stress of my friends feeling neglected by new friends and separate activities, the Opera, the crusher, my parents coming soon, papers to write, research to do, people to call, overdue time-sheets to go sign, scenes to perform, lines to learn, plays to read, books to read, presentations to be planned, meetings to attend, and plans to be made. I'm not ready for it all.
So I drove for about an hour, just up and down the curvy county highway through the hills and the little towns with one stoplight and the green fields and pretty trees that have finally flowered...and it was cloudy but turned more grey as I kept driving, oddly enough, as I turned back towards school I realized I'd been driving in front of the stormy weather. I'd been going towards the sunshine.
I feel like I want to take back every word out of my mouth sometimes, so I can just decide whether I should've even said it at all, or said it a different and better way. I felt like this a lot this weekend, like I noticed after everything I said that I wished it'd come out differently or I'd just kept my mouth shut.
And PMS this time comes in the form of contemplation and meloncholy lapses that hit me so abruptly I can only drive on...listen to my sad songs I miss listening to these days, and think back on what has happened, what will happen, and what I wish could happen. My imagination has been out of control lately, giving me images of things that are too adorable for reality, to happen to me out of the blue. And really, the things that actually happened this weekend, are nowhere near what they should have been to put me in a mood like this.
Sometimes I feel incredibly trapped here. Physically, emotionally, figuratively, I have nowhere to escape and just think things through the way I want to, without being influenced or distracted or annoyed. I want so many things to happen, but I can't make myself admit enough to actually take any immediate action or do a single thing about my frustrations.
Lying outside in the grass, listening to whatever music they had, laughing and just chatting with people, and watching everything in its currently pleasant state, was the best time I had all weekend. It's just so much nicer than sitting in here on my computer with the shades down and the dirty floors and the smell of stale grilled cheese and wishing on things that don't happen to someone so solitary.
I only wish the feeling of euphoria that spring brings could last, and I wish things could stay as pleasant as they appeared to be. But I know that tomorrow only brings the stress of my friends feeling neglected by new friends and separate activities, the Opera, the crusher, my parents coming soon, papers to write, research to do, people to call, overdue time-sheets to go sign, scenes to perform, lines to learn, plays to read, books to read, presentations to be planned, meetings to attend, and plans to be made. I'm not ready for it all.