Gay Bar
Went to Bourbon St. tonight. Supposed to be the hot place to meet ladies on a Friday night. Apparently I should have gotten there earlier because the ladies like to "nest." Let me explain the history of all this....
A few of you know I've been "bicurious" for awhile. Recently I've moved on from this somewhat allusive label and decided to, for better or worse, classify myself as omnisexual. I do not care for the term bisexual because of the obvious 50/50 split it implies, but also because of the stigma associated with it. Most people see bisexuals as "a phase" that will end in either homosexuality or heterosexuality. I do not see it this way at all. In fact I have arrived at this label in a very natural way. I discovered first my objective attraction to women aesthetically, followed by a slight sexual attraction, followed by an acceptance of this attraction and a willingness to explore it on a deeper level. I have always reserved "relationships" strictly for men, but in recent times decided that this could change. Afterall, my first sexual experience (and bear in mind it was as awkward and innocent as my first with a man--even preceded that) with a woman was with a best friend. This is a story I have relayed many times in college and have perhaps wished upon. It provided a gray area, a region of exploration that was not just for the sake of exploring (for there was some attraction), but was also not just for the sake of attraction (there was a strong friendship).
I do not consider this experience to be at all unique. Perhaps because it was in small town Ohio (which made it even more exciting), but it is something that I believe is becoming more common among women (and probably in the near future once in the stigma has faded--among men). I was once very confused by these experiences for they were before many male experiences, and were obviously a gray area. It was not just friendship, it was not just sisterhood, it was not just lust, it was something else--something maybe less defined and something less intense, but to me at age 17, it was a coming of age.
Now here I am six years later with not much more on my plate. I gave myself up to men--thinking they were all I was made for. I have been both extremely disappointed and excited by men, but now am at a place that is neutral. Now there is more in sight. Now I can be a little freer. Now I am out of school and living my life in the real world. I felt I could relieve myself a bit-- I could tell some friends and now strangers. I am officially "omnisexual." There was no "coming out" for it was a gradual process. I never had a defined moment when I declared my sexuality... it was much more fluid and still is. I think it is this way with a lot of women.
So tonight.. was a big hurdle for me. I finally decided I would show up at a place geared toward woman on woman and men on men interaction in the hopes of just becoming more comfortable with myself. I didn't expect much. I didn't even expect anyone to dance with me or give me their phone number. I knew from Goucher College in Baltimore what dykes were like. I knew they hated us longhaired lipstick types. I knew they hated me. I knew they wanted nothing to do with me. Now was the time to see how to break in without giving up who I was, both sides of it.
It was a lot better than I could have hoped for. I dragged my best friend from high school (the one I didn't make out with) there and she was a little cranky about it at first. I was at my wit's end. She had promised to go and I had not asked for much. I didn't understand what the big deal was... I thought she was open minded and that just because it wasn't her thing she could be a good sport. She quickly realized how nervous I was and decided to be more aggreeable.
We chit chatted with a gay guy in line on the way in. After a couple beers and some forced dancing to deep house we met up with said gay guy. He asked us if we were from Wisconsin. This sparked an entire discussion about the Midwest and how "wholesome" we looked and how much we (at least I) didn't care to be the Socal stereotype. This led to him introducing us to his gay friends (of whom one was a girl). Her name was Angela and she was a few years older. She quickly tagged me as "bicurious" and seemed annoyed. I wanted to explain and decided it was worthwhile discussion. She didn't seem to mind. I quickly laid out my history and intentions. She had a mixed reaction. She herself was a "lipstick," and had been "bisexual," but decided to become a full on lesbian and told me she could never have the same kind of relationship with a man. She admitted to being a little bitter. She had a lot of useful advice on the scene in San Diego and the scene in general. She seemed generally interested. I got her phone number.
It didn't seem to be anything. In fact she seemed a bit put off by my inexperience and youth, but she played along. She was very kind and told me I shouldn't let the dykes get to me because they are "jealous because you're beautiful and that is threatening." She may well have been lying to me, but my few experiences at Goucher College told me she was not. I always knew why the elite lesbians hate me. I still do. She just reaffirmed my knowing so that it's no longer self conscious.
It took a lot of courage for me to explore this scene and will still take some more, but I'm glad I did it. It's not like I fit in anywhere gay or straight because I'm in between and I'm pretty sure I always will be. A lot of people on both sides like to write us off as phases or confused or some other condescending paradox, but it's not a paradox at all to me. To me it is real and I believe it is to a lot of other people. We just haven't been able to say it yet. Feminism eclipses us. Gay Rights eclipses us. We're working on our own movement and it's slowly coming along, but coming along just the same.
Moving here was the best decision I ever made. Finally going out to a gay bar tonight was the second.
A few of you know I've been "bicurious" for awhile. Recently I've moved on from this somewhat allusive label and decided to, for better or worse, classify myself as omnisexual. I do not care for the term bisexual because of the obvious 50/50 split it implies, but also because of the stigma associated with it. Most people see bisexuals as "a phase" that will end in either homosexuality or heterosexuality. I do not see it this way at all. In fact I have arrived at this label in a very natural way. I discovered first my objective attraction to women aesthetically, followed by a slight sexual attraction, followed by an acceptance of this attraction and a willingness to explore it on a deeper level. I have always reserved "relationships" strictly for men, but in recent times decided that this could change. Afterall, my first sexual experience (and bear in mind it was as awkward and innocent as my first with a man--even preceded that) with a woman was with a best friend. This is a story I have relayed many times in college and have perhaps wished upon. It provided a gray area, a region of exploration that was not just for the sake of exploring (for there was some attraction), but was also not just for the sake of attraction (there was a strong friendship).
I do not consider this experience to be at all unique. Perhaps because it was in small town Ohio (which made it even more exciting), but it is something that I believe is becoming more common among women (and probably in the near future once in the stigma has faded--among men). I was once very confused by these experiences for they were before many male experiences, and were obviously a gray area. It was not just friendship, it was not just sisterhood, it was not just lust, it was something else--something maybe less defined and something less intense, but to me at age 17, it was a coming of age.
Now here I am six years later with not much more on my plate. I gave myself up to men--thinking they were all I was made for. I have been both extremely disappointed and excited by men, but now am at a place that is neutral. Now there is more in sight. Now I can be a little freer. Now I am out of school and living my life in the real world. I felt I could relieve myself a bit-- I could tell some friends and now strangers. I am officially "omnisexual." There was no "coming out" for it was a gradual process. I never had a defined moment when I declared my sexuality... it was much more fluid and still is. I think it is this way with a lot of women.
So tonight.. was a big hurdle for me. I finally decided I would show up at a place geared toward woman on woman and men on men interaction in the hopes of just becoming more comfortable with myself. I didn't expect much. I didn't even expect anyone to dance with me or give me their phone number. I knew from Goucher College in Baltimore what dykes were like. I knew they hated us longhaired lipstick types. I knew they hated me. I knew they wanted nothing to do with me. Now was the time to see how to break in without giving up who I was, both sides of it.
It was a lot better than I could have hoped for. I dragged my best friend from high school (the one I didn't make out with) there and she was a little cranky about it at first. I was at my wit's end. She had promised to go and I had not asked for much. I didn't understand what the big deal was... I thought she was open minded and that just because it wasn't her thing she could be a good sport. She quickly realized how nervous I was and decided to be more aggreeable.
We chit chatted with a gay guy in line on the way in. After a couple beers and some forced dancing to deep house we met up with said gay guy. He asked us if we were from Wisconsin. This sparked an entire discussion about the Midwest and how "wholesome" we looked and how much we (at least I) didn't care to be the Socal stereotype. This led to him introducing us to his gay friends (of whom one was a girl). Her name was Angela and she was a few years older. She quickly tagged me as "bicurious" and seemed annoyed. I wanted to explain and decided it was worthwhile discussion. She didn't seem to mind. I quickly laid out my history and intentions. She had a mixed reaction. She herself was a "lipstick," and had been "bisexual," but decided to become a full on lesbian and told me she could never have the same kind of relationship with a man. She admitted to being a little bitter. She had a lot of useful advice on the scene in San Diego and the scene in general. She seemed generally interested. I got her phone number.
It didn't seem to be anything. In fact she seemed a bit put off by my inexperience and youth, but she played along. She was very kind and told me I shouldn't let the dykes get to me because they are "jealous because you're beautiful and that is threatening." She may well have been lying to me, but my few experiences at Goucher College told me she was not. I always knew why the elite lesbians hate me. I still do. She just reaffirmed my knowing so that it's no longer self conscious.
It took a lot of courage for me to explore this scene and will still take some more, but I'm glad I did it. It's not like I fit in anywhere gay or straight because I'm in between and I'm pretty sure I always will be. A lot of people on both sides like to write us off as phases or confused or some other condescending paradox, but it's not a paradox at all to me. To me it is real and I believe it is to a lot of other people. We just haven't been able to say it yet. Feminism eclipses us. Gay Rights eclipses us. We're working on our own movement and it's slowly coming along, but coming along just the same.
Moving here was the best decision I ever made. Finally going out to a gay bar tonight was the second.