Funny Things To Lighten The Mood
I realize I've posted a lot of kinda down and gloomy things, so here are some fun things to read and have a laugh or two about! Enjoy!
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped!
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Sex is like Fishing, the less you get the more you brag!
Friends dont let friends drink and take home ugly men
Youre only bad if you're caught So that makes me a good girl RIGHT
GUYS ARE LIKE ROSES WATCH OUT FOR THE PRICKS
A peach is a peach,
A plum is a plum,
A kiss ain't a kiss without some tongue,
So close those precious eyes,
And give your tongue some excercise!
So you're the bitch that told the bitch that I'm the bitch, well listen bitch, it takes a lot to be a bitch, so you're the bitch, bitch!
If you need a nickel,
I'll give you a dime,
If you need a man,
Bitch don't mess with MINE!
If you want a high performance woman, I can go from zero to bitch in 2.1 seconds!
Kids in the backseat cause accidents,
Accidents in the back seat cause kids!!
Don't let the boys look up your dress,
they'll say your cute,
they'll say your fine,
And nine months later,
they'll say it ain't mine!
He's teaching her arithmetic,
He said it was his mission,
He kissed her once,
He kissed her twice and said,
Now that's addition
And as he added smack by smack
In silent satisfaction,
She sweetly gave the kisses back and said,
Now that's subtraction
Then he kissed her, she kissed him,
Without an explanation,
And both together smiled and said,
That's multiplication.
Then Dad appeared upon the scene and
Made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away
And said, Now that's long division
I'm not opinionated I'm just always right!
I'm PMSing and I have a gun, I'm sorry did you have something to say?
Okay well thats enough for now, and thats all I have really! lol So I hope those made your day a little better and a little brighter! Sorry so long! I'll write more opinions or what not tomorrow!
Love Always and Forever,
Kristen
xoxo
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped!
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Sex is like Fishing, the less you get the more you brag!
Friends dont let friends drink and take home ugly men
Youre only bad if you're caught So that makes me a good girl RIGHT
GUYS ARE LIKE ROSES WATCH OUT FOR THE PRICKS
A peach is a peach,
A plum is a plum,
A kiss ain't a kiss without some tongue,
So close those precious eyes,
And give your tongue some excercise!
So you're the bitch that told the bitch that I'm the bitch, well listen bitch, it takes a lot to be a bitch, so you're the bitch, bitch!
If you need a nickel,
I'll give you a dime,
If you need a man,
Bitch don't mess with MINE!
If you want a high performance woman, I can go from zero to bitch in 2.1 seconds!
Kids in the backseat cause accidents,
Accidents in the back seat cause kids!!
Don't let the boys look up your dress,
they'll say your cute,
they'll say your fine,
And nine months later,
they'll say it ain't mine!
He's teaching her arithmetic,
He said it was his mission,
He kissed her once,
He kissed her twice and said,
Now that's addition
And as he added smack by smack
In silent satisfaction,
She sweetly gave the kisses back and said,
Now that's subtraction
Then he kissed her, she kissed him,
Without an explanation,
And both together smiled and said,
That's multiplication.
Then Dad appeared upon the scene and
Made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away
And said, Now that's long division
I'm not opinionated I'm just always right!
I'm PMSing and I have a gun, I'm sorry did you have something to say?
Okay well thats enough for now, and thats all I have really! lol So I hope those made your day a little better and a little brighter! Sorry so long! I'll write more opinions or what not tomorrow!
Love Always and Forever,
Kristen
xoxo